Unintentional Virgin (21 page)

Without giving it much thought Jax jumped out of bed and joined her in the shower. He needed to be close to her. He stepped into the shower, and she looked up, surprised. Her hands unconsciously went first to cover her chest and then her stomach. 

He reached for the bar of soap and lathered it up in his hands. “Put your hands down.” 

Karma looked at him and hesitated before dropping her hands to the side. He was going to make this girl believe she was beautiful if it was the last thing he did. 

Jax came up behind her, wrapping one of his hands around her waist and pulling her closer to him. Her ass brushed his cock, which was now very much awake, and a jolt of pleasure surged through him. Her head dropped against his chest as he rolled her nipples between his soapy fingers. Karma rocked herself slowly back and forth. A soft moan escaped her lips. 

The stream of hot water beaded down her chest as Jax used his hands to wash every crevice of her body. 

Grabbing her by the elbows, Jax turned her around and pressed her against the wall in the shower. “You’re so fucking sexy.” He ran his hand down her stomach. 

“You make me feel sexy,” Karma said and relaxed against him. 

Jax stood in the doorway of his bedroom, one shoulder propped against the frame, watching as Karma picked her clothing off the floor in the hallway. They’d spent all day in bed and now she was ready to go home. 

Jax watched as Karma pulled her sweater over her head. She stepped into her jeans and jumped side to side pulling them over her hips.

“You know you don’t have to leave. You could stay the night.” Jax lifted a hand to smooth back a strand of her hair from her face. 

Karma looked up at him, startled. “Really? Are you sure, you don’t have to feel obligated.”  

“Yes, really. That is if you want to, and by no means do I feel obligated. Trust me, it’s pure selfishness on my part. I love the idea of waking up with you in my arms.”

She slipped her arms up around his neck, smiling. “Well, we do only have one more day together.” 

Jax stiffened. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

Karma dropped her arms to her side, frowning. “Jax, our time ends tomorrow. We agreed. Let’s not make this more difficult than it has to be.” 

“Karma, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t give a shit if three weeks or three years have passed. If you want to get rid of me I’m afraid you’re going to have to work a little harder than that.” 

She sucked in a deep breath and her face dropped. Jax felt his chest tighten. Maybe she really didn’t want to pursue the relationship. Had he just imagined she felt the same way he did? 

Karma looked down at the carpet and then back at him.  “Jax, I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” Jax demanded. 

Karma leaned against the wall and sank down till she was sitting on the ground. When she looked up at him her eyes glistened with tears. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t jeopardize it.”

Jax stared at her. He heard her words, but they didn’t make a lick of sense to him. He felt like screaming, or even begging, but she looked so distressed he held his tongue. “Make me understand, Karma.” He sank down across from her. 

“Did you ever want something so badly it caused an ache deep inside of you?” Karma asked her chin quivered. 

“You,” Jax said. The strength of possessiveness in his voice surprised him. 

She looked up at him, draped her hands loosely around her knees, and then looked out toward the living room. “Jax, you’re the first person in my life to make me believe in myself. You’ve made me see a lot of things about myself that I needed to see. You make me feel sexy, interesting, and wanted. But you also made me see that I needed to make a lot of changes. To stop being so afraid.”

Jax raised his head and studied her. “Why is that a bad thing?”

“It’s not. It’s a wonderful thing. I just can’t risk tainting it. I’d rather have an incredible memory than be shattered weeks, months, or even years down the road when we realize the relationship was built on an illusion.” 

“What if it’s not? What if it’s as real as me and you?”

“You can’t promise me that.” 

“No, I can’t promise you that. But I can promise you that just the thought of never seeing you again drives me mad. I’ve never felt this way before, Karma. I’m fucking crazy about you. You’re the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed. Jesus, that sounds corny but it’s true.”

Their eyes met. Karma brushed away a tear. “I’m sorry, Jax.” 

She pushed herself to standing, grabbed her keys off the counter, and ran out the door in her bare feet. 

He jumped up and ran after her, yelling her name, but she never looked back. 

Jax stood outside his door and watched as her car peeled out of the parking lot. He kept hoping she would stop and turn around, but she never so much as paused. 

What the hell just happened? After twenty minutes of mentally willing her to come back he slammed the door shut. With shaking hands he poured himself a drink.  

He should have just kept his damn mouth shut.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Three Weeks Later

Karma strolled into the kitchen and stretched, smiling.  Morning sunlight filtered through the open slats of the blinds on the linoleum floor. She finally had her own place, and it felt wonderful. It was small, but big enough for her and Eva. Moving out hadn’t been as stressful as she thought it would be. Her father was supportive and for her sake attempted to hide his tears when she put the last box of her worldly belongings in her car and slammed the trunk shut. When they hugged good-bye the three of them cried like babies. Her dads were a couple of softies. 

“Coffee?” Eva asked, biting into a slice of toast. 

Karma debated. She did need a pick-me-up. She was exhausted from working and then staying up late to study for midterms. “Sure, why not.” She grabbed a mug out of the cabinet and poured herself a fresh cup from the coffeemaker. She stared at the picture on the fridge before opening it to grab the milk. Her heart ached every time she saw the reminder of her time with Jax. The first few days he had called her every day, but she never answered. She knew if she didn’t make a clean break, she would never be able to let go. During the last three weeks, she’d made a lot of progress. Switched therapists, got a job, moved into her own place, and even started going on long walks for exercise. What she hadn’t been able to do was forget about Jax. 

 She plopped down across the table from Eva. “I was thinking we should stop by the club tonight.” 

“Where Jax works?” Eva raised an eyebrow and tapped her red nails on the side of her cup. 

“Yeah, he’s probably moved on by now, but I just feel like seeing his face.”  

“Well, this should be interesting. I’ll give Marc a call and see if he wants to meet up.” 

Karma took a sip of the bitter coffee and added more sugar. “How’s he doing?” 

Eva shrugged. “We’ve just been hanging out. He’s not ready to move on, and honestly, it’s nice to have a male friend who doesn’t want to jump my bones.” 

“I wonder how Jax will react when he sees me.”

“Guess we’ll soon find out.” Eva stood up and put her plate in the sink. 

The doorbell rang, startling both of them. Karma set her cup down and opened the door.
Great.

“Hey, sweetie. I wanted to bring you a housewarming present.”

Karma pulled the door open, and her mother walked in, looking distastefully around the apartment. “I guess it could be called quaint. I can’t believe your father is allowing you to live in this neighborhood.”

“He’s not allowing me to do anything, Mother. I’m twenty years old.” 

“You are, aren’t you? I guess I forget that sometimes. I don’t like the reminder that I’m getting old.”

“Mom, you haven’t met Eva yet. My roommate.” 

Eva stepped out of the tiny kitchen and into the living room, extending her hand. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Well, aren’t you just a hot little number. Karma, you should take some pointers from this girl. You really need to do something, sweetie. I mean you’re not getting any younger, and if you don’t trim down no one’s going to want you.”

Eva’s mouth dropped open and looked from Karma to her mother. 

Karma rolled her eyes. 

Eva placed her hand on her hip. “Oh no, you do not talk to my friend like that! I don’t care who the hell you are.” 

“Eva, it’s not worth it. My mother is a selfish bitch who only seems to feel better about herself if she is belittling me. It doesn’t bother me anymore.” 

“I don’t know why you’re getting so huffy, Karma. You know I only say things for your own good. Your father spoils you rotten and is blinded when it comes to you. I just want you to look your best.”

“No, Mom, you want me to be you. Newsflash, I’m not you. I’ll never be you, and I thank god every day I’m nothing like you. No matter how good you look, you’re never happy. And honestly, I feel sorry for you. Instead of enjoying your life you’re always making others feel bad about themselves, abusing drugs to take you away from your miserable reality, and no one can love you because you’re too ugly on the inside.” 

Her mother stood there, her mouth agape. “I came here to bring you a present, and this is what I get?” She pushed the bag toward Karma. 

“Maybe if you kept your insults to yourself, I would actually enjoy your company for once. But somehow I doubt it.”

Her mother’s face paled. Unsteadily she walked over to the futon and sat down on the edge. Eva looked at Karma and then walked down the hallway to her room, leaving her alone with her mother. 

Karma looked in the bag and almost threw it across the room. “Are you kidding me, Mom? Diet pills and a scale? That’s my housewarming present?”

“I’m sorry.” Her mother rubbed her hand on her forehead. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep making things worse between us. That’s not what I want, Karma.”

Karma walked over to the garbage can and dropped the bag into it. Her new shrink had told her she needed to confront her mother. Get her feelings out in the open and try to move forward. That she either had to push her mother out of her life or accept her for the flawed creature she was. 

“Mom, I can’t do this anymore. I love you, but it’s really unhealthy for me to have you in my life. I’m trying to pull myself together. I really am, and it’s so hard because no matter how many steps I take in the right direction, in the back of my mind I still hear all the ugly hurtful things you’ve said to me throughout my entire life. I don’t understand why you don’t love me. How can you despise your only child? I don’t understand your logic, and I don’t think I ever will be able to.”

Her mother looked up. “You think I don’t love you? Karma, you’re the only thing in this world that I love. I love you more than life.” 

“You sure have a funny way of showing it.” Karma crossed her arms over her chest. 

“I just want you to be perfect. So you can find the happiness I’ve never been able to find.” 

Karma walked over and sat next to her mother. She didn’t know if she wanted to throttle her or hug her. She looked like she was about to break. “No one is perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. I don’t know, Mom, I think your modeling career completely screwed you up. You’ve always had to live up to some ideal body type. A fantasy, that’s all it is. It’s not reality. I used to go to bed every night praying that I would wake up as beautiful as you. And every morning I woke up to the same face. Each day, it seemed to get uglier and uglier. And then you would reinforce my thoughts with your insults. I wanted to claw my face off.”

Her mother covered her mouth. “Oh Karma, I’m so sorry. What have I done?” 

Karma was surprised to see tears stream down her mother’s face. For the first time in her life, she actually felt sorry for her mother. But she wasn’t going to let that stop her. 

“I need you to love me for who I am. Not who you want me to be. If you can’t do that I’m going to have to push you out of my life for good. I’m sorry, but for once I am choosing my happiness over yours.” Karma wiped the tears from her face. “What you see is what you get. And I’m starting to see that what I have to offer is pretty damn great.”

Her mother threw her arms around her and sobbed into her hair. Karma tensed, not sure what to do. Her mother never hugged her. “I can’t lose you, baby.” 

“Then you’re going to have to make some changes. Any time you insult me, I’m going to tell you to leave. I don’t want to hear any more about my weight, my nose, or not being smart enough. I really can’t take it.” 

Her mom nodded her head. “Okay. Maybe we could go to therapy together too?”

Karma pulled back from the hug. “Why don’t we just try spending time together? Like a normal mother and daughter? I was about to go for a walk, would you like to join me?”

Her mom pulled a tissue out of her purse and dabbed her eyes. “I’d like that.”

They took turns washing their face in the bathroom. Karma let her mother wear a pair of her sneakers since she was walking around in six-inch heels. 

They walked mostly in silence. Every once in a while they would make awkward small talk. 

It was a start. 

Chapter Thirty

Jax hated coming to the club now. Being there reminded him too much of Karma, but when he tried to quit his brother-in-law guilted him into staying. Of course, the extra money was nice too. 

Three weeks had passed since Karma walked out of his life. It was crazy. The three weeks he’d spent with her went by in the blink of an eye. The three weeks apart from her felt like an eternity. He’d given up trying to call her. However, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He couldn’t stop wanting her. 

He wondered how much time would have to pass before he would be able to drive in his truck and not picture her leg pressed against his or remember the way her lips seared his skin. 

An ID was pushed in his face. He grabbed it, turned it over, and tilted his head toward the door. He glanced at his watch; this night was never going to be fucking over.