Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (8 page)

Mara’s Letter to Brad

May 14, 2010

Hey Brad,

My life has certainly gotten more interesting over the past week.  Tagg and I are still meeting for coffee after his training sessions, but it seems as though we’ve reached another level in our relationship.  I hope this doesn’t offend you, Brad.  I’ve been alone for almost nine years and until now, that was okay; there was really no one I found worthy enough to follow you.

But Tagg is different.  He’s vulnerable and honest and he makes me laugh.  And, that’s a pretty big feat.  Sure, I was always cheerful when you were around; I was young and unaware of life’s unfairness.  But, the past eight years had knocked the wind out of me.  Once the shadow of your death had crossed my heart, the sun was always rising behind me.  I found myself turning back, trying to recapture our passion in my memories, while simultaneously tiptoeing forward through the dark.

When I was throwing myself into my work, I could keep my sorrow stowed away, digging them up when I was by myself.  Since Tagg came into my life, I don’t feel so much sorrow.  Brad, of course I still miss you.  If I could turn back time and take that trip down the shore, I’d do it in a heartbeat, but that’s not going to happen and Tagg is here.  He kissed me and I kissed him back.  Brad, I’m sorry, for you, that I did it, but… it was wonderful.  To be back in somebody’s arms again was like lying on the beach on a cool, cloudless day, the sun providing warmth as a cozy blanket over our bare skin.

Tagg is my sun, Brad.  He comforts me with warmth and tenderness and he allows me to soothe him as well.  He was as lonely as I was and now, well, we’re two friends who are a little less lonely now.  I hope you can understand.

 Until next time, Bradley…

***

My closet was definitely lacking in ‘cool’ clothes.  All my good stuff was at my house in Somers’ Point; this closet held my fat-boy shrouds.  They consisted of mostly sweats and size thirty-eight jeans.  I was happy to find that the thirty-eights were way too big, but what good did that do me today?  Most days, my sweats were fine.  Even recently, I had only needed workout clothes and my sweatpants were perfect attire for that.  However, today I felt like a teenage girl with nothing to wear to the mall.  Yet I was an almost forty-year-old man with nothing to wear to the mall.

I remembered, though, that when I had first moved into this house, I hadn’t gained any weight yet.  Where could I have put those clothes?  I got down on my hands and knees and ransacked every pile in my closet.  It was in the farthest corner that I had found a plastic bin labeled, Tagg’s Clothes, written in my mother’s handwriting.  I don’t even remember putting it there.  Come to think of it, I have no recollection of buying any of the stuff I’d been recently wearing.  All this time, Mom had still been taking care of me.  What a disappointment I must have been.  Her only son not only cheats on his loyal wife and indirectly causes her death, but then he isn’t even capable of taking care of himself anymore.  What must she think of me?  I made a mental note to apologize for being such a loser and to thank her…immensely.

I found a pair of size thirty-four jeans mixed in with all of my thirty-twos.  I slid the larger size on easily, but I didn’t think I was yet ready to attempt the jeans I’d worn at my sexiest.  When I was a household name.  Hidden at the bottom of the bin were two pairs of size thirty waist jeans.  I could only recall wearing them only immediately after my move to Sparta.  I had dropped some weight right after Crystal’s death and found that my super old jeans from the 80s were unfathomably fitting me again.  Nevertheless, that was only for a brief period, before I found beer and chips were an accommodating emotional Band-Aid.

I had paid a visit to Starbuck’s before picking up Mara for our trip to the Rockaway Mall.  On the entire drive over, my fingers were anxiously tapping on my steering wheel.  This trip wasn’t a date, but considering that I haven’t been out with a member of the sweet-smelling gender in nearly a decade, it sure felt like one. 

When I arrived at Mara’s house, she was already out on her front porch, leaning against the railing, unintentionally arousing me.  I got out of the car and practically ran to the passenger side to open the door before she did.  I was determined to prove my gallant side.  After she slid in to the seat, I glided, ever so smoothly ( I actually tripped as I passed the front of the car) around the ‘Vette to my side of the car.

“I picked up a latte for you.” I tapped her coffee lid to signify which cup was for her.

“Thanks Tagg.”  She took the coffee out of the cup holder and put it carefully to her lips.  “Non-Fat?”

“Just like you order it everyday, even though I know you prefer it with whole milk and sugar.” I couldn’t help but smile at her pretty face.

“So, did you enjoy Spin class?  Sorry I didn’t get to talk with you after class.  I don’t usually get bombarded with questions from the members.  It was crazy.”  Her energy was exuberantly bubbly.

“Oh, no problem.  Spin class was…different.”

Mara gave a teasing pout.  “You didn’t like it?’

“I enjoyed spending an hour gawking at the beautiful instructor while I sweat my ass off.”  I gave her a trifling wink.  It had been a long time since I’d flirted with anyone.  I was actually enjoying the playfulness I felt with Mara.  She must have been enjoying it also, because she was blushing.

After a few moments, her skin returned to its normal color and she revealed some inside information.  “Do you know why all the women in Spin class came up to me last night?”

I shook my head, but they were women; I had a good idea of what was on their minds.

“They wanted to know about you.  Where have you been?  What have you been doing?  Are you ever going to make another record?  How do I know you?”

I tried to keep from enjoying this too much; it was hard to keep from laughing.  “What did you say to them?”

 “I told them that I was hired to train you and you live in the area.” Simply stated, she told them the truth. 

“That’s all?”

“Of course.  It’s not their business to know what you have been doing.”

“Thanks, Mara.”  It was nice to know that I could probably trust her with most anything.  But deep down I was wishing she’d told them that she had this huge crush on me, or something to that effect.

“You’re welcome.  I will tell you, though, Tagg, they still want you.  Those women were restraining themselves during class, but they were extremely… fervent… in their interest in you.”

“What about you?

Mara’s ‘deer in the headlights’ expression told me to forget I had asked anything.  We both ignored it and Mara continued what she was trying to say.  “I think, Tagg, the more you get out of your house, the more likely people are going to be inquiring about your public… and private life.’

“Hmmm. I hadn’t at all been thinking about that.  When I was heavier, it was harder for anyone to recognize me, I guess.”

“And that ghastly beard you had going on, don’t forget about that.”  How could I?  It was my security blanket.

Mara and I both chuckled at that.  “I guess I shouldn’t start wearing my contacts again?”

“Do you not want to be recognized, Tagg?” Mara inquired seriously.

“I’m not sure, Mara.  I’m still a bit…” I needed to think of the right word, “apprehensive about it.”

“Well,” she shrugged, “let’s take it one day at a time.  And, for the record… I like your glasses.”

There was no hiding my smile now; I was grinning from ear to ear.  “I believe you’ve mentioned that before.  They make me look educated,” I raised my eyes above the rim of my glasses and turned in her direction. “I believe you had said.”  Again, I teased.

“I did say that, didn’t I?”  Mara played back.

After a thoroughly enjoyable twenty-minute drive, we were at the mall.

“So Mara, where do I go?”

Mara chuckled.  “Well, where did you shop before… you know… you went underground?”

“Don’t laugh, but my assistant, Kim, had always bought my clothes.  Before that, probably my mom did…or my dad, rather.  He was always into clothes.  I guess my loungewear was jeans and an old t-shirt.  I don’t have much fashion sense.”

“Okay, well, then, why don’t we start at the Gap?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

The first thirty minutes at the Gap went fairly well.  I tried on one pair of jeans, found that the thirty-twos fit perfectly, and bought ten pairs.  Then I searched for t-shirts, picked one out in every color and checked out.  I was no-nonsense when it came to clothes.  Luckily, my dark blue All-Stars still fit, because I really wasn’t up to buying a new pair of everyday sneakers. After the fairly easy first part of the shopping extravaganza was complete, the chaos began.  I wanted to buy Mara a slice of pizza and a coke, because we were hungry and Mara mentioned getting a bite to eat at the mall.  I’ve actually never done that; growing up as Auggie Holland and Kenya Taggart’s child, a normalcy like hanging at the mall was not on our intriguing to-do list.  Then, as a celebrity myself, I found it nearly unimaginable to frequent customary hangouts.  Nonetheless, I thought it’d be fun to have lunch in the food court, with Mara. 

It wasn’t. 

Even with my ugly, black eyeglasses, too many people were recognizing me.  I had women between the ages of twenty and fifty stopping me.  ‘Are you Tagg Holland?’ ‘Aren’t you that Holland guy?’  ‘Hey, where’ve you been the past ten years?’ ‘How come you guys haven’t done an album in a while?’  Then, the clincher, ‘Oh, can I have a picture with you?’  I tried to smile, but mainly I just kept my head low.  So many people, though, were taking pictures of us with their phones.  It was ludicrous.  Ten, fifteen years ago, there were no camera phones.  Someone would actually have to have a camera on his/her person to get an impromptu shot.  It was very disconcerting.  No doubt, I felt violated.  At that moment, I actually had empathy for the young pop sensations.  For them, it must be hell to go out in public.

In any event, Mara recognized my anxiety and suggested we pick up a pizza and eat it at her house.  A better idea all around.  We ended up sitting at a little table set out on her back deck; it’s backdrop, the great wilderness.  Actually, it was just a wooded section of Jefferson, but it was filled with bears, deer and all the wonderful little critters that hang in the forest.  Mara’s place was peaceful, and being with her gave me peace of mind – something I hadn’t had in many, many years.

That night, while I was waiting for my computer to boot up, the phone rang.  I saw on the caller id that it was my mother.

“Hey Mom, how are you?” I got a glass of seltzer out of the fridge and sat back down at the computer.

“Tagg, baby, I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by in a couple of days.  Your dad called me and told me about his visit.  Did he and Ronnie rough you up, dear?”

I stifled a laugh.  “No Mom, they didn’t rough me up.  It was all good.  I’m actually thinking about giving it a shot.”

“You are?  Oh darling, I think that’s a wonderful idea.  What changed your mind?  Certainly not Auggie.  You usually do the opposite of what he tells you.”

“No I don’t Ma.” I leaned back in my chair, feeling mighty good about myself.

“Sure you do.  You never tell him no to his face, but you usually end up doing the exact opposite he asks of you.   Although, I hear you shot right back at him.”

“Well, it was embarrassing.  I’m a thirty-eight year old man and my daddy was yelling at me in front of my friends.”  I mocked.

Mom chuckled.  “I understand.  Auggie said Mara was with you?”

“We had a session.  Of course, with Dad here, it never happened.”

“Things seem to be progressing past just trainer/client, I see?”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s all over the internet.  Haven’t you seen it?”

“What?”  I brought my attention back to my computer screen.  Right there on Yahoo’s main page was the headline – TAGG HOLLAND PARADING THROUGH THE MALL WITH UNKNOWN GAL PAL.  I put my hand to my forehead.  Under the headline was a picture of me with my arm around Mara.  Someone must have snapped the shot when I was trying to hastily lead Mara out of the mall, to avoid the commotion I was stirring.  “Great.”  I groused.  “Just what Mara needs.  She’s such a private person, she doesn’t need this.”

Mom tried to calm me down, but the attempt was futile.

“Listen, Mom, I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure honey, but don’t let this get you down.  You’ve been in the spotlight before, you used to eat it up.”

“Yeah, Mom.  I’ll talk to you.”  I hung up with my mom.  I was a different person than I used to be.  I don’t think I’d ever crave or accept the attention I used to receive.  I liked my music.  I enjoyed singing and I might have even liked jamming with Ronnie, Johnny and Matty, but I doubted I could last anymore in a life style that sucked the life right out of you.  It just wasn’t me.

 The call to sing again had stricken powerfully.  After nights of lying awake at night, pondering my future, I woke up one morning and decided, yes, I want to give it a try.  I felt I had no choice but to call Ronnie and acquiesce.  We ended up deciding to re-open my studio in the basement of my Somers’ Point home.  I hadn’t been there in such a long time that I could feel the Ghosts of Christmas Past greeting me at the door, and I wasn't even there yet.  I would have to find the courage to open that door, but if I were going to move forward, opening doors, no matter how harrowing a task, would be inevitable.  Closing some would be even more difficult.

 The band made the decision to begin playing together immediately, so we were heading down the shore this weekend.  Today. I had just finished loading my car with my luggage, when Mara pulled up the drive.  This was the part I was dreading.  Saying Goodbye to Mara.

Mara and I had gotten close over the past two and a half months.  Not only was she doing an awesome job training me (I was actually looking pretty ripped), but our friendship was beginning to deepen.  We would take a morning jog together, everyday.  We’d go for coffee after every run. And, we had been suddenly gaining insight to one another on a different level.  She had become my best friend.  So saying goodbye to her today was going to be piercingly painful.

“Mara, you didn’t have to come by.  I told you I would swing by your house when I was done.  I wouldn’t leave without seeing you.”

“I know, but I couldn’t just sit there.  I thought I’d see if you needed any help.”

As Mara closed the space between us, I pulled her toward me with my hands on her waist and kissed her passionately.  Her arms, outstretched, wrapped behind my neck as I moved my hands to both sides of her face.  It was a poignant kiss.  And she was crying.  I felt the moisture beneath my hands.  Using my thumbs, I ineffectively wiped her tears.  She couldn’t stop.  “Mara.”  I felt a lump rise up into my throat, while embracing her with all my strength.  I did not want to let her go.  Evidently, my hug was too strong, because I heard Mara gasp beneath me.  “I’m sorry.” I said as I loosened my hold around her.

“You’ve gotten pretty strong there, Tagg.”  She playfully squeezed my bicep muscle.

“I know.  What am I going to do without you?” I joked.

“You know what to do. Just keep up with the push-ups and pull-ups.  Keep running.  You’ll be fine.  I have faith in you.” She actually took me seriously, when I really didn’t know how I’d get by emotionally without her. She had thought I’d be lost without her workouts.

My expression fell flat, my tone, serious.  “I don’t think that’s what I meant, Mara.  I mean, truly, what will I do without you?  You have been my lifeline these past months.  I think I’m afraid to be without you.”  I took a dramatic pause.  “You put the laughter back in my life.  Without you, Mara, I’d still be sitting in that recliner everyday.  Reliving that nightmare over and over and over.  I’m not sure I’ll get by each day.”

Mara put her palm to my face.  “Tagg, you’ll get through each day the same way you have been.  With your head held high. I haven’t been your lifeline, sweetie, I just happened to be by your side while you started living again.”  Mara tapped my chest with her fingertips.  “In here… I will be with you. Besides, you can always call me.”  Then she laughed,  “Plus, you’re only going to be a few hours away.  I love the Jersey Shore.  I can’t wait to visit.”

Why didn’t I think of that?  “You’re right.   We won’t be rehearsing all the time.  You can come down every weekend.  Or, if you prefer, I can come back here on the weekends.”  Then I had a sudden thought, one I didn’t really think through thoroughly, but wished for anyway. “Mara, why don’t you come with me now? Stay with me.   I have plenty of room?”

“Tagg, I have my job here.  Even if I could get coverage for my classes, my clients are counting on me.  I can’t just cancel.  I would let them down.  Besides, what would I tell my mom?”

“Tell her you met the man of your dreams and you’re moving in with him.” I hoped, suddenly remembering she had recently pushed me away, not wanting to be my rebound person.

Mara started laughing.  Not the reaction I was hoping for or expected. I thought, at least, she would let me down easily.  “You know, Tagg, you always were the man of my dreams… when I was fourteen.” Bang. “Then I met Bradley.”  Shot right through the heart.

I tried to keep the energy light, but still, I sighed.  “And at that time I was no longer the object of your nightly wishes?”

“No.  I guess not.”  Mara gazed down at the ground.  She seemed to do that whenever she seemed uncomfortable. “I’m sorry.  That’s not really what I meant.”

“It’s okay, Mara.  I was teasing.  I know you love Brad.  If he were still alive, I know you wouldn’t even dream of kissing me.”

Mara nodded.  Then she sighed.  “But… he’s not alive.”

She didn’t embellish, so I couldn’t really gather what she had meant.  He’s not alive, so I do dream about you?  He’s not alive, but I still dream about him?  I figured I wouldn’t press the issue.  I didn’t want to cause her stress; she had been so kind to me.  “Mara, visit me when you can?” I took on a serious tone, now.  “I cherish your friendship, I really do.  And as soon as we’re settled with a rehearsal schedule, I’ll let you know so we can work out a schedule of our own.  Promise me, Mara.  Promise me this isn’t goodbye.”

“I promise you that.”  I took her into my arms again and held her head against my chest.  I stroked her silky, dark-brown hair with my hand and kissed the top of her head.  She looked up at me and kissed my mouth.  “I’ll see you soon.”  We parted.  And, as I was getting into my ‘Vette, I turned to her and blew her a kiss.  She caught it.