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“Damn, dude. That’s rough. I wouldn’t want to be on your mom’s bad side,” he says, grabbing a couple of shot glasses and bottle a whiskey from the cabinet. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but she isn’t wrong. I’m not going to lie. What you did was probably the shittiest thing anyone could have done in that situation. I know that you’ve had issues since that whole Carrie thing, but honestly, why you let one crazy bitch control the way you look at every woman is beyond my comprehension.” He shakes his head. “What did Kelvin say to you?”

I recount my conversation with Kelvin and proceed to tell Alex all about my nightmare. “Then Ashley grabbed him and told him that he didn’t have a daddy, that he didn’t need one because she loved him enough. It felt so real, man. I woke up sweating. I can’t let that happen. I know I’m an asshole, but I need to fix this.”

“All I can tell you is that she isn’t going to take you back with open arms. This last month hasn’t been easy on her. I had dinner with her and Quinn last weekend for her birthday, and I got to hear straight from the source what she’s been going through. She’s just starting to get over the nausea, and she’s got the new job on her plate as well. Quinn also told me that she wants nothing to do with you. Ashley has no intention of ever seeing you again, man. You’ve got your work cut out for you. I don’t know if you’re going to be able to fix this.” He sighs. “It might be too late.”

It suddenly feels as if someone is sitting on my chest, and I can barely breathe. I remember how Ashley looked the last time I saw her—so sick and run-down. I’d wanted to take her to the hospital she looked so bad. To think that she’s spent the last month sick like that turns my stomach.

“Why did she get another job? I have more than enough money to support them.”

“Seriously, man?” he asks, shaking his head. “Have you been listening to me? She wants nothing to do with you, including your money. Jesus… Thank God you have an amazing arm because sometimes you’re really stupid.”

God, I really
am
stupid. How could I’ve fucked this up so badly that she’d rather work two jobs than come to me for help? Yup, the Asshole of the Year award goes to me.

“Any suggestions on where to start?” I ask.

“How about with an apology?”

Chapter 5

Tanner

The more I think about it, the more I see that Alex has been one hundred percent right from the very beginning. I wish I’d been able to see it sooner. The only way back to Ashley will be on my knees. But how can I possibly begin to apologize for what I’ve done? I try to put myself in her shoes and think about how scared she must be. She’s fucking pregnant and thinking she’s going to be bringing this child into the world alone. When I replay the last time we spoke in my mind, I want to kick my own ass for the things I said to her. I was a fucking dick. Somehow I have to make this right.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking of ways to win her back, and I’ve drawn a blank every time I’ve tried to figure it out, so I decide to go with a simple “I’m sorry.” Every second I waste trying to make up my mind on how to say sorry is a second longer that Ashley doesn’t get to hear it, and this apology is long overdue. I try to think of what I would want to hear from someone if the situation were reversed, and I can’t think of a single thing, so I decide on the truth.

I pick up a birthday card and some flowers on the way to her house, hoping that they’ll at least get me in the door. I doubt they’ll help much, but at least I have something to pin my hopes on. Better than showing up empty handed. I’m thankful the doorman doesn’t stop me on my way in. I guess there isn’t a no-admittance list anywhere. Either that or Ashley really thought I’d never show up here and never bothered to put me on it.

My palms are sweating profusely. I don’t think I was even this nervous on draft day. I wipe my free hand on my jeans before exiting the elevator, and my heart rate picks up as I walk down the hallway toward Ashley’s door. I don’t expect this reunion to go over very well, but I hope I’m not being naïve in thinking there’s a chance it could. I stand in front of the door for a minute or two, trying to gain some semblance of composure before realizing it isn’t going to happen. I take a deep breath and knock. Everything seems quiet behind the door, and I’m just starting to think that maybe no one’s home when I hear a slight shuffling. Then the door opens.

There she is, just as beautiful as I remember. Everything fades away but Ashley. I can’t think about anything other than the sight before me. She’s dressed casually, wearing a pair of black leggings and a long gray sweater. Her long brown hair hangs in loose curls. There’s definitely a glow about her, but I also still see the effects of her recent illness. She’s thinner and paler than when I last saw her but still stunning. She stands there, staring at me, her expression a mix of emotions. Her presence instantly makes my dick hard. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about anything sexual right now, but I can’t help it. It’s Ashley, and she’s always brought out the best in me when it comes to sex. I just hope my dick gets the message that he needs to calm down before he makes
his
presence known and this apology gets even more difficult for me.

“Hello, Ashley.”

“What are you doing here?” Her mouth is turned down into a frown, and her voice is hard, a tone that doesn’t match her beauty. The look in her eyes conveys nothing but contempt. Well, at least that helps alleviate my hard-on.

“I was hoping we could talk,” I say, grateful my voice doesn’t waver and give away the fact that the look she’s giving me scares me shitless. Call me stupid, but I wasn’t excepting to be greeted with this much venom.

Her expression makes the look that Ma gave me the other night seem like a smile. I’d known she was mad at me, but I definitely hadn’t thought she could hate me this much. I feel the weight of my guilt on my shoulders even more now. I really need to fix this, but it’s going to be way harder than I’d anticipated.

“Talk about what?” she snaps.

“Us,” I answer. I straighten my spine, steeling myself for her anger and forcing myself to look her in the eye, knowing full well that I won’t find any kindness there.

“There is no us, Tanner. Remember?” she practically growls at me, shaking her head.

“There will always be an us, Ashley. I’m so sorry that I lost my head when you told me. There’s no excuse for how I have handled this, and I need you to know that I’m sorry.” I hope she can sense the sincerity pouring out of me. My empty hand reaches out to her almost instinctively. I just want to touch her, comfort her.

“You’re sorry?” she asks with disbelief, her eyebrows arching with accusation as she steps out of my reach and eyes my hand as though she wants to break it.

“Yes, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said to you. I’m sorry for how I acted. I’m sorry that I haven’t been here for the last four weeks. I’m sorry for everything.” Being here now, begging for forgiveness like this, is a huge reality check. I would’ve never thought it was possible for a person to experience so many feelings at one time. Guilt, shame, remorse, fright—they’re all here, swirling around inside me. The only thing holding everything together is the little bit of hope I’m still clinging to.

“So you think that saying you’re sorry and bringing me flowers is going to make everything better?” Her voice grows harsher. A coldness has taken over her gaze, and her body is tense. She looks down at the flowers in my hand with aversion, as if they’re a rotting animal rather than a bouquet. Now I know for sure that this encounter isn’t going to pan out well for me at all.

“I know it’s not going to fix everything, but it needs to be said. I am sorry. There aren’t enough words to tell you how sorry I am,” I say, holding out the flowers toward her. “The flowers are for your birthday. I’m sorry I missed it.”

She cocks her head to the side and studies me with a puzzled expression. “You’re unbelievable,” she huffs and turns away from the open door, walking farther into the condo. I don’t know whether I should follow her or not, so I hover in the doorway, trying to figure out what’s going on. She returns, her fist clenched around something I can’t make out.

She points to the flowers and says, “I don’t want that gift, and I don’t want the last one you gave me either.” She pushes her fist into my chest, and I realize she’s holding the BMW keys.

“Ashley, I’m not taking those. The car was a gift,” I tell her, gently pushing her fist back toward her. The sensation I get when I wrap my fingers around her hand, even for that brief instant, makes me feel alive again.

“I don’t want it. It’s been sitting in the garage for the last month rotting away. Take it or continue to let it rot there. I don’t care either way, but I’m not driving it.” She snatches her hand from my grasp and rolls her eyes.

“Your old car isn’t safe. Please tell me that isn’t what you’ve been driving around in.” I’d bought her that new car because I’d been worried about something bad happening to her in that old piece of shit. Was she really carrying our baby around in that death trap now?

Our baby… Holy shit!
For the first time, everything clicks together in my brain.
Our.
I want her, and I want our baby. I want this life with her. No matter what she throws at me, nothing will stop me from making things right. Not now. Not when I finally see things clearly.

“Tanner, please don’t act like you care. Your time for caring is over, so if you’re done making yourself feel better with this apology, I have things I need to do,” she says, pushing me toward the door.

I lay the flowers and birthday card on the console table next to the doorway and stand my ground, forcing her to lean into me as she continues to try to push me into the hallway. “I’m not going away that easily, Ashley. And the car was a gift for you to do with as you please, regardless of what happens between us. I want you to have it. If you want to let it sit in the garage, that’s your decision, but I want you to be safe. I
need
for you to be safe, so I’d prefer you use it.” I hope the steely resolve in my voice masks my fear.

I’ll stop at nothing to get her back, but based on everything I’ve seen today, it’s going to be an uphill battle. She can barely stand the sight of me, and I’m scared to death she’s just going to keep pushing me away. But I can’t show her that fear. I don’t want her to think that I’m ever going to stop fighting for her.

“What you want doesn’t matter to me anymore. It was your decision to end our relationship. You should stand by your decisions. I stand by mine, which is to keep you as far away from my life as possible.”

Seeing that things are going nowhere for now, I let her strong-arm me through the doorway at last.

She puts her hands triumphantly on her hips as I come to a halt in the hallway. “Oh, and please keep your little messenger to yourself. I don’t need to be pushed out of your life. I left weeks ago, and I have no intention of coming back.” She slams the door so fast I don’t have the chance to question her about her parting comment. What messenger? What the hell is she talking about?

I know I shouldn’t be surprised by her anger. I expected as much but damn… That did not go well at all. I guess it could’ve been worse. At least she didn’t slam the door in my face right off the bat. I’m not going to let this get me down though. I didn’t get to where I am in life by letting a little hard work get in my way. She’s definitely worth the hard work. I created this mess myself after all. Now, it’s time to fix it.

“You throw like a girl, Uncle Tanner,” my niece tells me.

“I don’t throw like a girl, Maci. You just catch like one, so I can’t put much force behind this Frisbee.” I laugh at her.

“Throw it harder,” she yells, running toward the other side of the little open field in the park. I give the disc a good chuck and watch her chase it down past a small building.

When Maci doesn’t return with the Frisbee, I head over to help and make sure she’s okay.

“Maci, did you find it? What’s taking so long?” I ask, rounding the corner of the building, finding the bathrooms and water fountains there. On the far side, I see Maci crouched down, talking with a little boy who’s sitting on the cement outside the ladies’ room.

“Sorry, Uncle Tanner. He was sitting here by himself, waiting for his mommy to come out of the bathroom. I didn’t want to leave him alone. They taught us in school that the buddy system is the best way to stay safe.” My sweet little niece. She really is a special soul.