Unspoken - Kiss of the Wolf Spider, Part I (16 page)

“Yes but you
hurt me and I told you I didn’t like it ….”

“I’m sorry but
I did it because I loved you ….”

Was he stupid?
Couldn’t he comprehend that the day I ‘told’ his secret was the day I’d figured
out his lie! Could he possibly still expect me to believe that his actions had been
motivated by love? That was the wrong answer! Not what I wanted to hear.

Between sobs, I
managed to say, “Well I’m sorry you’re in prison. I didn’t know you’d go to
prison … but I hated what you were doing to me. I’m sorry I told your secret
...  but you were making my life terrible and….”

Like a sad
little boy he said, “Well you promised not to tell, Jane, and you
did
break
that promise. So now I’m a prisoner and I’ve lost everything.…”

“I’m sorry,
I’m sorry…” I wept and hugged him.

“Time’s up!”
Miriam decided we’d been together long enough.

We looked at
each other – two pathetic, broken people and said our farewells.

Later Miriam
told me that when we left she was furious, since I was now apologizing for his
crimes. She believed that my dad had used the visit to continue to manipulate me
and to increase my burden of guilt.  She suspected that the prison psychologist
had used Mrs Byrne’s pliability for his own ends and it was all about Mr Dirk
Farrell and his rehabilitation, not actually mine.

 Miriam said
she would fight against all the psychologists if they tried to make me to go
back there. I loved her so much when she got on the phone to Mrs Byrne and
said, “Jane Farrell is also my client and I will make sure she knows that she
will never have to consent to another prison visit - ever!”

 
So much for my
psychotherapy!

A few weeks
later I went home with Debbie to spend a weekend with the Barkers. Saturday was
lazy and relaxed. On Sunday after breakfast we attended their Sunday service.
After some lively praise and worship, someone read from the book of Job. This Job
was a really faithful man of God who endured terrible suffering without cursing
God. I was surprised to hear that God let his
good
people suffer too!

Sunday 28
April 1991

I don’t always
enjoy church but today Pastor Pete said some interesting things about anger and
blame. With everything that’s been going on with my dad I found it quite
useful.

 He said we
should accept blame and repent when we’re guilty but never let the
Deceiver lie to us and
heap condemnation on us when we’re not in the wrong! I think that’s been
happening to me.

He said sometimes bad
things like accidents and illnesses just happen, even to good people and we
don’t know why, but often it is because of sin , but not always your own.  His
sister died because a drunken driver hit her car. He said sin always hurts
someone! I guess that’s what happened to me. I got hit by a truck load of other
people’s sins!

He said we all
carry the consequences and scars of sin ( our own and other people’s ) in our
hearts and on our bodies.

You can think
of sin like a huge, heavy, stinking bag of garbage on your shoulders. It weighs
you down and can make you ill. You can keep looking at the bag, exploring
what’s inside it, feel its weight and cling to it because it’s yours. It
contains your guilt, your hurt, your pain, your rightful anger, your bad stuff,
your sins. Or you can forgive others, repent about the rotten stuff you did and
dump it at the cross of Jesus. Then you walk away tall and unburdened, choosing
not to lift it up again!

When an altar
call was made in church today I decided to respond. I didn’t go up to the front
of the church, but deep inside I decided to dump my anger and hatred and
bitterness at the foot of the cross. I don’t want to walk around holding on to
all the stuff that’s happened to me. I need to be set free to start over. I
hope it’s true. I need it to be true!

Saturday 9
November 1991

It’s 8 months
since that horrible prison visit and I’m doing okay! Pastor Pete’s  teaching is
helping me to get on with life.

It was my 17
^th
birthday this week. Tyler gave me such a lovely gift. Earrings and a beautiful
box of chocolates.

He’s still ‘my
man’. I adore him and he’s my best friend. We hold hands, go for walks, play
board games and watch TV together but he never tries to make the relationship
sexual. I love him so much and I’m so grateful.

About the Author

Sharianne Bailey was born in Africa but lives in New Zealand with her husband.
She is an English graduate, a reading teacher and writer. Her life is enriched
by the presence of lovely friends, dear family and beautiful mountains covered
in snow in winter. She loves to see people come to wholeness through God’s
grace and wisdom.

Kiss of the Wolf Spider
is her debut  novel.

It is available as both a  single book and as two shorter books,
Unspoken
and
Redeemed
.

Unspoken
has been produced as an e-book with
Redeemed
to
follow shortly.

See more at
www.authorshariannebailey.com

or connect with

Sharianne Bailey-Author on facebook.