Untangle My Heart (Tangled Hearts) (9 page)

He reached for both her hands and kissed them. “You had nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t back then. I pretended things were fine even though every day I spent with him was slowly killing me. The only highlights of my day were the few hours of quiet time I had with Tony. Once he got over his colic, he was a wonderful baby. I used to spend hours reading or just talking to him.” A tear spilled from her eye and landed on their joined hands.

“I’m sure you were a wonderful mother.”

She nodded and sniffled. “One day shortly after I announced my pregnancy, Mario came home and tripped over a toy Tony had been playing with earlier that night. I hadn’t yet gotten around to cleaning up and there were toys scattered around the room. Mario went ballistic and raised his hand to hit Tony. I freaked and attacked Mario. I knocked him down and he blacked out for a second—probably from the alcohol he’d consumed before he came home. I used that time to grab Tony and took off in the car. I was barely out of the driveway when Mario was off following me. He chased us down Roosevelt Boulevard. I wove in and out of traffic while Tony screamed in his car seat.”

Her chest heaved as she envisioned the accident as though it happened moments ago, and she breathed through her nose to calm herself. Even Edward’s arm around her couldn’t stop her from shaking.

“You don’t have to continue,” he whispered, placing a kiss at her temple.

More tears spilled down her cheeks. “It’s all right. I haven’t remembered all the details in a while.” She squeezed his hand for support. “Mario caught up with us and kept ramming the back of the car. I tried to shake him off, but he was a better driver and I couldn’t. I was approaching a light when it turned red. I braked but he didn’t. He pushed me right into the middle of the intersection, where a large delivery truck was coming through. The truck hit the back of my car and wiped out Mario’s car. I’m told both Tony and Mario died instantly.”

“Bloody Christ,” Edward said, rocking her as she cried into his chest. “I can’t imagine what you went through.”

“It wasn’t easy but I survived. I had a broken arm, leg, and some ribs. I lost everything that day, including the baby I was carrying. It took me a while, but with therapy and support from my family and friends I got my life back on track.”

“You’re remarkable.”

Kate didn’t think so, but she didn’t argue. She did what she needed to do in order to survive. What other choice did she have? Sure, she could have let the grief consume her—and there were plenty of times it had. But, thanks to her stubbornness, she fought and clawed her way out of the darkness. While the sadness hit her at times—like during holidays or birthdays—it wasn’t that often. She’d learned to handle it, but never forgot or stopped blaming herself for her part. And wish—oh how she wished things had been different.

“How often do you come here?” he asked, referring to the cemetery.

“Every time I visit my parents. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Tony. Occasionally I dream about him, although that’s gotten better over the years.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

He continued to hold her until the trembling subsided. He tipped up her face and pushed a stray curl aside. “Tony would be six if he were alive.”

She nodded.

“Is that why you feel close to Lucas? Does he remind you of Tony?”

“He reminds me of how I imagine Tony would be at the same age. I feel a kinship with Lucas because he also lost his family in a car accident.”

“Does seeing Lucas bring back all the memories?”

She shifted on the bench. “Some. I see a lonely little boy who lost his family. There will always be a gap in my life without Tony, but being around Lucas is helping to make that gap a little less painful.”

“As long as it’s not causing the pain to resurface.”

“There’s a lot of bitterness I’ve worked hard to deal with all these years. Sometimes, though, I can’t and have to feel the pain. The memories keep me focused and prevent me from making the same mistake.”

“Which is why you’re pushing me away,” he said, searching her eyes.

“It’s not you, it’s entirely me. And that may seem cliché, but I really mean it. I won’t allow myself to be tied down to someone again. I won’t be hurt like I was.”

“Is that what you think, that I would beat you?”

“No. I know you wouldn’t do that. Besides, I’ve taken self-defense classes and you’d have a hell of a time fighting me off. But seriously, I can’t risk getting tied to someone emotionally. And I think we both know you’re the love-them-and-leave-them sort.”

He flinched. “I suppose I deserve that. That’s pretty much how it’s been until recently. You’d be amazed at how being a cancer survivor causes you to re-evaluate your life and make changes.”

“And what about your cancer? I know you’re fine now, but what if it comes back?”

“There’s always a level of risk that it will come back or I could develop some other form. The chances of recurrence are lowered with every day and year that passes.”

Her stomach tightened. “But it’s a possibility.”

“There are no guarantees. I’m getting tested regularly, and my doctors are confident it won’t come back, but I can’t tell you it never will.”

“I see.”

“And that’s a problem?”

Was it? If Mario had gotten sick and died, she’d like to think she would have been able to handle it better than what happened. But because it didn’t go down that way, she wasn’t sure of anything.

“It’s something else to worry about. I already lost a husband. What if we got involved and you got sick?”

“I’ll deal with any recurrence of the cancer should it ever come to pass. I choose to live in the moment and not worry about things I can’t control.” He squeezed her hand. “I’d like to live in the moment with you.”

“Maybe, but for how long? How long before you’d start feeling restless and cheat on me? Then we would hate each other, and I don’t think I could bear that.”

“As dysfunctional as my involvements have been, I’ve never cheated on anyone. There are no guarantees with any relationship.”

“I know. That’s why I’d rather not even start one.”

“Instead of taking a chance that it may actually work out?”

She searched his face for a sign that he was playing her and found nothing but honesty. Unfortunately, she couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear.

“That’s the way it has to be,” she said in a quiet but firm voice.

“I see. I guess that’s it, then.”

“I’m sorry, Edward.”

“So am I.” He rose. “Will you be all right getting back to the house? I need to walk a bit.”

“I’ll be fine.”

He gave her a look full of longing and regret before walking away.

She watched his retreating form and her heart wanted to call him back and take back everything she’d said. But her head was in control now and stopped her from giving in to that foolishness. She needed to let him go—even if it was the last thing she wanted.

****

Edward gazed down at the cards in his hand and with a disgruntled groan turned them over. “I fold.”

“That’s the sixth time you’ve folded. You’re off your mark today,” Charles said and collected his winnings.

Edward scowled. “So it seems.”

“But your loss is our gain, so thanks,” Mark added, his fingers playing with the pile of chips in front of him.

Although poker was Edward’s game of choice at the casinos, he hadn’t felt like joining his brother and Mark to play this particular Sunday afternoon. But with the women at Karen’s baby shower, the men decided to strike up a game at Charles’s place. Mark asked if they could help him move all the gifts to his house later. Since Edward was stuck there for another few hours, he may as well have another drink.

“I’ll sit the next few hands out.” He went into the kitchen to get another beer.

After popping off the lid, he took a swig, leaning against the counter while the amber liquid slid smoothly down his throat. It was his third beer and he hoped he would start feeling its effects soon. But all the alcohol in the world couldn’t dull what he’d been feeling since learning about Kate’s past yesterday.

“What’s bothering you?” Charles called from the doorway.

“Nothing. I’m just having an off day.”

“Rubbish. We’ve lived on two continents for so long you’ve forgotten we can always tell when something’s bothering one another. You weren’t yourself at dinner last night and now this.”

Edward sighed and dragged his hands down his weary face. “Are you aware that Kate was married and had a child?”

“No, I wasn’t.”

Edward gave him an abbreviated version of the story.

Charles grabbed another beer and leaned against the counter. “Bloody hell. That’s an incredible story. I don’t believe she went through all that. She seems to have gotten through it well.”

“I guess that depends on your perspective,” Edward said with a cynical shrug. “Because of what she went through, she refuses to consider the thought of getting involved with me, or with anyone for that matter.”

“But you had been involved during your stay here last summer. How was that different?”

“I presume it was because she knew I was returning to London. At that time, there weren’t plans for me to move here permanently. We both knew those weeks were temporary, which suited us both fine.”

“And now it doesn’t?”

“No. At least not for me.”

“You can’t make her feel something for you if she doesn’t.”

“Her feelings don’t have anything to do with her decision. She feels something for me. I see it, I sense it.”

Charles turned to face his brother. “And what about your feelings? Are you in love with her?”

Edward met his gaze. “I have feelings for her that are different than what I’ve felt for other women. But is that love? I haven’t the slightest. How did you know you were in love with Meghan?”

“I think I knew all along but didn’t realize it until the day she fought off a mugger who held a knife to an elderly neighbor of hers.”

“Right. I remember you telling me about that.”

“When she called me, I couldn’t get to her fast enough. And when I reached her, I didn’t want to let her go. I remember feeling very proud of what she’d done and terrified of what could have happened. I couldn’t imagine her not being in my life. I knew then I’d fallen for her.”

Edward shook his head. “Bloody fucking brilliant.”

“Is that how you feel for Kate?”

“It’s more like a cross of wanting to throttle her, hold her, and screw her brains out all jumbled together.”

Charles raised an eyebrow. “Wow, she really has you worked up.”

“That’s putting it mildly. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve dated other women, almost slept with one, but it only made it worse. The more I try to push Kate out of my mind, the more she’s there.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Then, there’s the orphan she’s befriended.”

“An orphan?”

“His name’s Lucas and he lives at the orphanage Kate’s helping organize a Christmas party for. He’s six and has struck up a friendship with Kate.”

“Competition, dear brother? For your attention, that is,” Charles added.

“Hardly. But the boy is the same age as her son would have been had he lived. I think she’s transferring her feelings onto this child.”

“So what if she is? Is that a bad thing?”

“I’m not sure.”

No, Edward wasn’t sure of anything concerning Kate. He hadn’t spent any time with children since he’d been one and wasn’t sure how to handle her newfound friendship. It certainly wasn’t going to make it easier to resolve things with her—not that he’d be able to regardless of the boy.

“A wise person once told me to ride things out with Meghan and see what happens.”

Edward tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “For fuck’s sake, don’t use my own words against me. What the hell did I know?”

“Apparently enough because I took your advice and it worked.”

“You and Meghan were meant to be together. I’m not so sure about Kate and me.”

“Give her some space. Based on what you’ve told me she can’t feel pressured or coerced into a relationship with you. She needs to come to that realization herself.”

Yeah, he could use some space as well—both physically and emotionally.

“You’re right. We both could use some time apart right now. I was thinking about heading out to Vegas for a few days this week to check on the Morrison account. Is there any new business out there you want me to work on while I’m there?”

“I think something came across my email late on Friday. I’ll check and let you know.” Charles patted him on the shoulder. “Come, if you’re going to Vegas, you’d better practice your game, otherwise you’ll lose your shirt.”

****

“The final gift and it’s a huge one, too.” Kate pushed a large box over to Karen, who was perched in a white wicker chair decorated with pink and blue tulle. The box was so big that both Kate and Meghan had to help Karen unwrap what turned out to be a double stroller, a gift from Karen’s parents.

Finished, Kate returned to her seat and poured coffee from the carafe in the center of the table. She picked at the piece of cake that had been placed there while gifts were being opened. Thank goodness the baby shower was over. The weekend had been exhausting and she felt drained. All she wanted to do was to lie in a hot bath with classical music playing in the background. Later, she would call Lucas.

Meghan slid into the seat next to her and took a sip of water. “Whew, I’m glad that’s over. Now we can wait for the men to get here and haul all this stuff over to Karen and Mark’s place.”

“I think she got most of what was on her baby registry, although I don’t have a clue where they’re going to put all the stuff,” Kate said.

“I know. It’s a good thing they have two houses.”

“Have you started thinking about your registry yet? It won’t be long before we’ll be having your shower.”

“Not yet. I wanted to wait until after the ultrasound, which is in a few weeks. I’m hoping to find out the sex of the babies so I can decide what colors to make the room.”

“Let me know if you want any help. I can’t see Charles going with you to pick out breast pumps,” Kate said with a laugh.