Until Angels Close My Eyes (17 page)

“It was a good visit. Thank you for all your help.”

Neil nodded, shut his eyes and grimaced with pain. “Sorry,” he said moments later. “They’ve given me enough morphine to stop an elephant, but it still hurts.”

Leah thought she might burst into tears. “Mom only got to talk to Dr. Nguyen for a few minutes. She said the drug you’ve been taking hasn’t worked,”

“I know. It doesn’t look good for me, honey.”

“Stop that kind of talk!” Roberta said with a stamp of her foot. “Your doctor will think of something. I’ll make sure she does.”

Leah saw resignation on Neil’s face. He turned his head toward Ethan. “I need you to watch out for things at the house while I’m laid up.”

“I will be there.”

“If you need anything—if anybody needs anything—you call Harold Prentice, my attorney. You understand?”

“We will,” Leah said.

“Now, you all go on home tonight. I don’t want you hanging around this place.”

“Fat chance!” Roberta dragged a chair over to Neil’s bedside. “I’m spending the night right here with you.”

“You need your rest, Robbie.”

Ignoring Neil’s words, Leah’s mother said, “Leah, I do want you and Ethan to go back to the house. Both of you stick to your regular schedules. School tomorrow for you, young lady.”

Infuriated, Leah shook her head. “I want to stay, too.”

Her mother stood, took Leah by her elbow and dragged her into the hall. “I won’t have Neil thinking we’re on some kind of death watch.”

“But what if—”

“I’ll call you if there’s any change. You can be here in a matter of minutes. Now please, do as I ask.”

Leah felt torn. She knew her mother was right. Neil needed the kind of moral support that came with people going about their normal routines. “All right,” she said reluctantly. “But call me if anything happens.”

Leah and Ethan said goodbye and left the hospital, but once back home, Leah got
scared. “What if he dies?” she asked Ethan. “What if I can’t talk to him again?”

Ethan put his arms around her and rested his chin on her bent head. “Do not think such terrible thoughts, Leah. Neil’s in God’s hands, and God will decide what’s best for him. I have an idea,” he added softly. “Why don’t we bundle tonight? Just as we did on New Year’s Eve.”

“Here, in front of the fireplace?”

Ethan lifted her chin with his forefinger. “I would like to hold you tonight, Leah. I would like to be close to you and feel you close to me.”

Without hesitation, she nodded. Some Amish customs made perfect sense, and on this night she wanted to be in Ethan’s arms more than anything. “Hold me, Ethan,” she whispered. “I’m so cold. Please, hold me.”

A
s the days dragged by, the three of them fell into a routine. Leah’s mother spent nights at the hospital on a cot in Neil’s room, remaining through the day until Leah got out of school. Then Leah relieved her mother, who went home to rest, freshen up and deal with phone calls and mail. In the evenings Ethan drove Roberta back in her car and visited until ten o’clock; then he and Leah drove together to the house in Leah’s car.

Leah could hardly concentrate on her classes, but fortunately her teachers cut her a lot of slack. Sherry sent her cheerful notes at school and mailed a card to the house.
Leah began to appreciate what a good friend Sherry was and swore she’d be more available to do things with Sherry once Neil had returned home.

However, Dr. Nguyen gave them little hope that Neil would ever go home. “His liver function keeps falling,” the doctor said outside Neil’s room on Thursday.

“Do something!” Roberta demanded.

“We’ve done all we can,” the doctor said, looking upset. “The cancer’s invaded other parts of his body. It’s everywhere now, and we can’t stop its progression.”

Roberta stifled a cry. Tears swam in Leah’s eyes. Ethan gripped Leah’s hand so hard that it throbbed. “I just can’t believe there’s nothing else you can do,” Roberta said.

“I wish there were. Doctors like to heal patients, Mrs. Dutton, not watch them die.”

Leah’s mother looked resigned. “What’s going to happen now?”

“He’ll gradually slip into a coma,” Dr. Nguyen said, “which may last a day or a week. But eventually he’ll simply stop breathing. I’m sorry. So very, very sorry. He put up a good fight.”

“A fight that he can’t win is no fight at all,” Leah’s mother said bitterly.

One afternoon Leah was alone in the room with Neil when she heard him say her name. She dropped the magazine she was reading and leaned over his bed. “Yes? Are you in pain? Do you want me to call a nurse?”

“No. I want to talk to you.”

“I’m listening.”

“It won’t be long now, Leah.”

“Please, Neil, no—”

“Now, don’t you fall apart on me. I’m not afraid to die, Leah. I know where I’m going from here. But I sure hate leaving you and your mother alone.” He sighed deeply. “I need you to watch out for your mother once I’m gone.”

Leah wanted to say, “Mom’s able to take care of herself,” but didn’t.

“I know you think she’s strong, but she needs you. I love her,” Neil said softly. “And don’t you ever doubt for a minute that she loves you. She may not have always expressed it in ways you understood, but she’s tried to do what was best for the two of you.”

Leah had to admit that she and her mother had gotten along much better since Leah had learned the truth about her real father and grandmother. Hearing about her mother’s early struggles had helped Leah to understand her mother’s proclivity for marrying and divorcing. “You helped make her different,” Leah said. Neil had made
both
their lives different.

“No,” Neil said. “I only helped make her feel safe.” He closed his eyes and Leah thought that he might have fallen asleep, but soon his voice came again. “And watch out about Ethan, too.”

“But why?”

“He’s Amish, honey. It’s in his blood.” Neil reached for her hand. “I don’t want your heart broken.”

“Ethan wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Not intentionally. But sometimes circumstances come up against us like a brick wall. Circumstances we can’t do anything about.”

“I know,” Leah said. “Like getting cancer.” She recognized those kinds of circumstances all too well. But loving Ethan was
her choice. “Are you saying falling in love is like getting sick?”

Neil smiled. “Sometimes it seems that way … but no. Falling in love is a good thing.”

“I know that Ethan and I have a lot of things going against us. I didn’t set out to care about some Amish guy, you know.”

“I believe you. Too bad we don’t always get to pick who we love. Sometimes love just happens to us, whether we’re looking for it or not. But finding the right person at the wrong time can be a problem. Lots of things have to come together before love, and the person we love, are just right for us.”

Leah wanted to keep talking about herself and Ethan, but she knew Neil didn’t have the strength for it. “Maybe you should rest.”

“Not yet.” His breathing sounded labored. “One more thing.” He gestured toward the drawer of his bedside table. “Open it.”

Leah discovered a small wrapped box. “What’s this?”

“Part of your graduation gift. I had your mother bring it here so that I could give it to you.”

“But I don’t graduate for two months.”

“I won’t be there, Leah.”

“Maybe you will,” she countered stubbornly. “You could fool your doctors and go into remission again.”

He slipped his hand over hers. “That’s not going to happen, honey. I won’t be around for a lot of things in your life. I’ll miss your wedding day when that rolls around. But I promise I’ll be looking in on you when you walk down that aisle.”

Until then, Leah had never considered that she’d have no father to give her away. Tears of sadness and regret filled her eyes. “Then I’ll walk alone.”

“Sh-h-h. Don’t cry now. Just open that box while I can still see your face.”

With trembling fingers, Leah opened the box. Inside was a gold charm of a diploma, sparkling with a ruby chip. “For your bracelet,” Neil said.

“Thank you. I-It’s beautiful.”

“No—thank you,” he said with difficulty.
“I’m so proud of you, Leah. You’re smart. You have a good, kind heart. Do something wonderful with your life.”

Neil drifted off to sleep, and Leah bowed her head and cried.

Leah and Ethan went to the hospital coffee shop that evening, ordered hot chocolate and sat at a corner table. Leah felt weary to her bones. Neil had not awakened again all afternoon or evening.

“I’m sorry,” Ethan said. “I know this waiting cannot be easy for you.”

“It isn’t easy for you, either,” Leah said. “I keep thinking back to Rebekah’s death. It happened so suddenly. And with Neil, we’ve known for months that he was sick, but I’m not any more ready for him to die than I was for Rebekah.”

Ethan reached across the table and laced his fingers through hers. “We cannot change what God has ordained, Leah. We may not understand why, but even if we knew why, knowing would not stop it.”

“It just isn’t fair. And it makes me mad,” she said.

Ethan smoothed her cheek with his palm. “But miracles happen also. You are proof of that.”

Ever since Neil’s hospitalization, Leah had suppressed fears about her own health. She would go for another checkup at the end of May. “But what if—?”

Ethan silenced her with a shake of his head. “You will be fine. I believe this with all my heart.”

Not wanting to speculate about it, she asked, “Tell me something to make me happy. I’m so tired of talking about cancer and dying.”

Ethan looked thoughtful. “Dr. Prater has offered to send me to a special school this summer in Indianapolis so that I can learn more about veterinary medicine.”

Leah sat up straight. “Really? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“He only just mentioned it yesterday.”

“Indy’s not that far away. Hey, you could even commute from our place.” She felt a mounting excitement.

Ethan grinned. “You are like a horse with a bit in its teeth—off and running. I am not sure I will go.”

“Why not? It sounds like a good idea. You like working with animals. Maybe you could be a vet like Dr. Prater.”

“It is much like college for you—a choice, but not one I’m sure I want to make.”

“You should seriously think about it,” Leah said, her heart hammering. Ever since their visit to Eli’s, she had been afraid Ethan would leave. Now it appeared that he had a perfect reason to remain. Besides, the Amish needed veterinarians, so it wasn’t as if he could never return to his community. Why, she believed that even Jacob Longacre might approve of Ethan’s becoming a doctor for animals. If Ethan stayed the summer and attended the school, then continued working with Dr. Prater, she could stay around too. They would be together.

Leah cleared her throat. “Well, I think it’s a great opportunity, and you should really think hard about it.”

Ethan stared pensively out the window. “I will, Leah.”

On Friday Neil slipped into a coma. Leah got the call at school. She ran out of the
building, hopped into her car and sped to the hospital. Ethan arrived less than an hour later, still muddy from a field. “I was helping Dr. Prater with the birth of twin calves,” he explained.

Roberta took Neil’s hand into hers and kissed his palm. “We’re here, honey,” she told him. “We’ll be here until you leave.”

Leah experienced déjà vu. Hadn’t she just stood by Rebekah’s deathbed only months before? Hadn’t she felt these same emotions, numbness, anger, fear, and unbearable sadness? How much grief could a person take?

She asked Ethan, “What should I pray for?”

“Pray that his passing is gentle. And quick.”

She bowed her head but couldn’t form the words—not even mentally. She didn’t want Neil to die. She didn’t want to let him go.

The three of them stationed themselves around Neil’s bed. They talked to him, touched him, watched his body shut down. Machines performed the tasks of his diseased organs. Time became fluid as the
hours melted into one another. Still there was no change in Neil’s condition. Nurses brought two sleeping chairs into the room for Leah and Ethan, and then very early in the morning, Leah was startled awake by the high whine of Neil’s heart monitor. She leaped to her feet to join her mother, already bent over Neil’s motionless body.