Until I Found You (24 page)

“You can’t be surprised,” he said in a mild tone.

She stared into his eyes with the bleakness of a moonless night. “No. I’m not.”

“I love you,” he said again, prompting her to say it back, though he knew she wouldn’t. A moment ticked by, then another. A log thudded in the fireplace, a sign of the dying flames and cooling embers.

Kate raised her chin, then exhaled as if she were cooling a spoonful of soup. “You know I care for you.”

What did he say to lukewarm caring, except that it wasn’t enough? And yet it was all she had to give, and he had vowed to go at her pace, not his. At a loss, he tightened his grip on the water bottle, crushing it before he tossed it into the trash can.

Kate pushed away from the table and stood, turned her back on him, and went to the window. She meant to hide, but the glass reflected the twist of her mouth and a sheen in her pale eyes. He thought of the Eve’s Garden poster in her office and the slogan about putting the “you” in beautiful, and he wondered if she knew how beautiful she was to him.

A minute ticked by. When she turned around, her face was composed but her stance reminded him of a deer aware of a hunter. She was fearful, frozen, and ready to run. “I’m sorry, Nick. You deserve more from me. I’m just so confused.”

He wasn’t a hunter, so why was she afraid? He deliberately made his voice tender. “It’s okay to be confused.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Sure, it is. Everyone goes through rough times.”

“I know that,” she said. “But I can’t stand the uncertainty. Four months ago I was at Sutton and I knew what to expect. But then everything changed. First because of you, then because of God. For the first few weeks, everything in my life fit perfectly. Then Leona fell and you weren’t there. Neither was God.”

“I let you down. The speeding ticket—”

“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t feel this way because of anything you did. And it’s not because Leona fell. I know people make mistakes and bad things happen. I’m not looking for a pie-in-the-sky kind of God, but I
do
want a God I can understand, one that doesn’t disappear when I need Him most.”

“I understand.”

“How can you? You’re so sure of your faith. You never have questions or doubts.”

“That’s not true.” No way would he let her put him back on a pedestal. “Those first months of Christianity were tough for me. I practically lived on Sam’s couch, because every time I turned around, I was tempted to hit the road and do something stupid. When things are hard, I’m still tempted.”

There was a trucker bar called the Black Dog Lounge down by the interstate. Nick wasn’t an alcoholic and didn’t miss drinking. What he missed was the mindless escape into noise, dim lights, and empty conversation. In a place like the Black
Dog, a man could forget his insignificance. As foolish as it was, that kind of escape occasionally tempted him the way graffiti tempted boys like Colton.

Kate swiped a strand of hair away from her face. “Everything is changing again, and I don’t understand why. I just know that today I made a decision. It’s big, and it involves you.”

Whatever she had to say, he wasn’t going to like it. “What is it?”

“I’m going back to Sutton.”

“Sutton?”

“Yes.”

“But why?”

“I need the money to pay for Leona’s care.”

“Kate—”

“There’s more to it.” She leaned against the windowsill, her arms stiff and bent at her sides. “Golden West is close to both Sutton and my condo. With Julie on leave, the Eve’s Garden proposal is a mess. There’s no one to fill in except Brad, and he’s not right for this account. The
Clarion
is the only responsibility I can hand off—if you’re willing to run it without me.”

Nick had been afraid she’d ask him for nothing. Instead, she’d asked for the greatest gift of all—freedom. But how much freedom? Was she severing the emotional cord between them, stretching it to the point of breaking, or just putting him on hold? Somehow he managed to control his voice. “I see the practical side. What I don’t understand is how you feel about it. Do you
want
to go back?”

“I want to go back to pay for Golden West and to stop the time pressure I’m under. But I hate to ask you for a favor.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“What?”

He paused to reframe the question. “Do you want to go back because you miss it?”

She didn’t answer immediately. He waited, watched, and finally spoke for her. “You do, don’t you?”

“Maybe . . . A little.” She sighed. “I just don’t know.”

With her back reflecting in the window, she seemed to be walking away from Mount Abel instead of toward it. It was a fitting picture of a woman caught between opposing needs in opposing worlds. As much as Nick wanted to ride to her rescue, he couldn’t do a thing to help her—except hit the brakes on his own desires and put Kate’s needs before his own.

Lord, I can
’t do this. I can’t let her go.

Except that’s what he had to do. He could push for his own way, but someday Kate would resent him for holding her back. He’d be the bad guy—the hunter who shot the deer so he could mount its head on a wall. He didn’t want a trophy. He wanted Kate to come to him freely. “You need to do this,” he said in a tight voice. “I’ll help any way I can.”

“Thank you.” The trace of a smile lifted her lips, but the sign of appreciation quickly faded. “I’m asking a lot of you.”

“I offered. Remember?”

“Yes, but that was before . . . before we had feelings for each other.” When a blush tinted her cheeks, he hoped she was reliving every kiss, every embrace. The power of attraction was on his side, and he wouldn’t let her forget it. He approached her slowly, watching for a particular spark in her eyes, the look that said she wanted to be kissed. He saw the look, but Kate lowered her face to hide it. Instead of holding her the way he wanted, he clasped her stiff arms and waited.

When she looked up, her eyes had a sheen. “I’m sorry, Nick. I need time.”

“It’s all right.”

“No, it’s not. I know how I feel about you. It’s more than just caring. But I don’t know if I
should
feel that way. Your faith defines you. If I can’t share it, I have to wonder if we belong together.”

The words punched him in the gut. He loved Kate. Regardless of what she thought or believed, his feelings wouldn’t change. She didn’t need to be perfect for Nick to give her his heart. On the other hand, she still needed God more than she needed him. And that meant she had to seek God for herself. If Nick had a quarrel with anyone, it was with God—not Kate.

He touched her cheek. “I’m here, Kate. No pressure.”

“Thank you.” Another weak smile tilted her lips. “If I can be
me
for a while, maybe I can get my life under control again.”

Nick almost laughed at the irony. No wonder Kate was struggling. Christianity was about
relinquishing
control of one’s own self, one’s will—especially when the “will” wanted to hang out at the Black Dog Lounge or to cling to pride and run from God. Suddenly he saw the crux of Kate’s dilemma. She was afraid to trust, and who could blame her? Her entire life had been full of accidents. Going back to Sutton wasn’t good or bad, right or wrong. It was a life choice only Kate could make. Nick could only stand at her side, encouraging her, and loving her while she made up her own mind.

“We’re in this together,” he promised her.

“I’m glad.”

“Me, too.”

When longing glistened in her eyes, he matched his mouth to hers. Her arms wrapped around him, and they kissed until she broke away to rest her head on his shoulder. “I should leave.”

Knowing she was right, he helped her with her coat and
walked her to the car, wishing with every step that she’d turn around and say she’d changed her mind about returning to Sutton. But she didn’t. Instead, she drove away, leaving him alone on a moonless night looking up at a mountain that seemed very far away.

E
ve landon walked
into Sutton Advertising on Valentine’s Day with a bodyguard at her side and a smile on her perfect face. A self-declared romantic, she wore a red cashmere sweater, white slacks, and dangling heart-shaped earrings. A necklace showed off diamond hearts, but what most inspired Kate’s admiration was Eve’s poise. The woman oozed self-assurance.

Kate, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck about today’s presentation. Where was the confident woman she used to be—a woman who was comfortable in both her professional and personal relationships? Nothing had been right since she moved back into her condo. The stress of the presentation robbed her of sleep; so did the drop in advertising at the
Clarion
.

Nick insisted he could handle the situation until she returned, but she still felt guilty. He called almost every day at four o’clock. They bantered like the good friends they were, but his declaration of love echoed in unexpected moments of silence, those awkward pauses where Kate detoured around
the big messy feelings that refused to be sanitized into mere friendship.

She didn’t want to be Nick’s friend.

She wanted to be
the one.

She especially wanted to be that special person today, because it was Valentine’s Day. In a place like Sutton, where creative people thrived on outdoing each other, a holiday turned into a game of can-you-top-this. Giant teddy bears, balloons, custom-made candy, and exotic flowers sat proudly in several cubicles. Except for a half-eaten bag of chocolate hearts, Kate’s desk was among the empty ones. She had no right to expect another declaration of love from Nick, not when she hadn’t returned the first one, but she had hoped for something.

There were flowers everywhere, even on the reception desk, where Eve stopped to inhale the fragrance of a dozen red roses. Trying to appear confident, Kate approached her and offered a handshake. “Welcome to Sutton.”

Ignoring Kate’s outstretched hand, Eve pulled her into a hug. “Let’s not be formal, dear. You and I are friends, and we both know you’re a bundle of nerves.”

“I am,” Kate admitted with a laugh. In a few minutes she and Brad would present their plan for the national campaign. Kate had worked hard, but with the turmoil in her life she didn’t trust her instincts. On the other hand, she trusted Nick and he’d come up with the U word she’d finally chosen for the slogan.

Eve lasered her with a shrewd stare. “Nerves are good. It means you care. I like that in a person.”

Kate glowed with the praise, but it did nothing to ease her anxiety as they walked toward Roscoe’s office, making small talk about Valentine’s Day and the abundance of flowers and balloons. When they reached the open door, Eve laid her hand
on Kate’s arm. “Before we get started, I want you to know how much I appreciate your dedication.”

“It’s my job. I love it.” Even with the added stress, the actual design work was an oasis for her.

“Yes,” Eve agreed. “But you also have a life. How is Nick?”

“He’s fine.”

“Good,” Eve remarked. “And your grandmother?”

“Excellent.” Leona’s shoulder and ribs were almost completely healed, and she was benefiting from daily therapy. “She’s still at Golden West, but we moved her from the nursing section to one of the apartments.” Kate didn’t have to worry about Leona’s being alone or getting to physical therapy or doctor’s appointments, and Leona had taken full advantage of exercise classes, the book club, and shopping trips to the local mall. She also appreciated having a call button by her bed.

“I’m glad to hear it.” Eve gave a mock shudder. “Aging is both a war and an art form, isn’t it?”

Without knowing it, she had touched on the theme of today’s presentation. Kate’s jaw almost dropped at the coincidence, but she schooled her features into an enigmatic smile. There was no point in tipping her hand now. She wanted Eve to be wowed by the unexpected, not disappointed because her expectations were too high.

As they walked into the office, Kate saw Roscoe and Brad seated in the informal meeting area furnished with glass tables and leather armchairs. The men stood and greeted Eve. With her earrings flashing in the cool glow of fluorescent light, she settled into the chair with a straight-on view of the wall-mounted monitor. Roscoe’s assistant delivered a refreshment tray, and the four of them talked a bit about the entire project.

The butterflies in Kate’s stomach calmed but only slightly.
Finally Roscoe cued her to start. “Let’s see what you’ve come up with.”

With perspiration dampening her palms, she picked up the remote and launched the presentation. Lively music filled the room and the first of a series of full-color photographs shimmered on to the screen. It showed the profile of a teenage girl admiring a bouquet of bright Gerbera daisies. The slogan at the bottom read:

Eve’s Garden

Put the You in Unique

Next came a young woman holding a single red rose, then a bride with a massive pastel bouquet. The slogan never changed, but the pictures shimmered through the stages of a woman’s life.

A mother-to-be wore a leotard printed with pink and blue pom-poms.

A career woman in a tailored suit peeked over funky reading glasses to admire an exotic purple orchid.

Midlife was depicted by a grandmother, mother, and small child in a field of orange California poppies.

Last came old age. Of all the ads, this was Kate’s favorite. It showed an elderly woman under the willow tree from the first Eve’s Garden ad.

The slideshow closed with the women and children together in a lush garden and a final phrase that captured Eve’s mission. It read,

Be You . . . Be Beautiful . . . Be Happy.

As the screen went blank, Kate held her breath in anticipation of Eve’s reaction. Roscoe nodded his approval and Brad winked, but only Eve’s opinion mattered. Wearing her poker face, the actress stared at Kate for several seconds. Chin high
and back straight, Kate stared back until Eve broke into a wide grin and jumped to her feet. Clapping wildly, she gave a one-woman standing ovation. “Bravo, darling. Bravo! It’s perfect.”

Kate gave a little fist pump and shouted, “Yes!” She’d be cool and professional later. Right now, she was thrilled. For the first time in weeks, she felt like herself.

Eve sat down, crossed her long legs, and focused on Kate. “I love how you tied beauty and aging together in such an emotional way. This is perfect for the antiaging products, too. What do you think of”—she made air quotes—“‘Put the You in Youthful’?”

“I like it.” Kate traded a glance with Brad to include him. “We thought of a lot of ‘you’ words. Enthusiasm, Universal . . .”

“Rejuvenation,” Brad added.

“Who thought of Unique?” Eve asked.

Kate blushed a little. “That came from Nick.”

Eve gave her a knowing glance, then graced Brad with a smile. “I’m sorry to ignore you, Brad. I’m sure you helped.”

“A little.” He tossed off a shrug. “You’ll see my role when Roscoe goes over stats and target markets.”

Kate could hardly contain her excitement. With the Eve’s Garden account, Sutton Advertising had a lucrative, long-term contract. Roscoe wouldn’t have to consider layoffs, and Kate could return to Meadows with a clear conscience—except the moment was bittersweet. She loved moments like this one, where words, pictures, and a purpose came together in perfect harmony and in a big way.

Roscoe cleared his throat, then glanced between Brad and Kate. “We still need to go over Brad’s part of the presentation, but Eve told me earlier she has to cut this short. She
and I have something else to discuss, so why don’t you two take a break?”

As Kate stood, Eve caught her eye. “I’d like to speak with you before I leave. Could we meet in your office?”

She nodded. “It’s the third cubicle on the right.”
The one without flowers or balloons.

Kate and Brad left together. As soon as they reached the hallway, he stopped and offered his hand. “Congratulations, Kate. You get full credit.”

“No, I don’t. You helped and so did Julie in the beginning.” And so had Nick.

“I bet you get a promotion.”

“Maybe.” She grinned, then realized accepting a promotion would mean living in Los Angeles permanently. It meant giving up Meadows, and in a way, the relationship she had with Nick—or didn’t have. Geography wasn’t the problem; people in love overcame obstacles all the time. It was a question of her heart, what she believed and loved most. She loved Nick, but she loved her work, too. Being at Sutton made her feel secure, while being with Nick seemed to demand one risk after another.

Brad clapped her on the shoulder. “Congrats again. I’m glad you came back.”

“Me, too.”

He walked away, and Kate headed to her cubicle. Flowers scented the air, and red, white, and pink balloons hovered in bunches everywhere she looked. Approaching her office, she spotted a new delivery. Someone in an office close to hers had received a massive bouquet of black and white balloons. She wondered if the colors were a joke, an anti-Valentine after a bad breakup. Drawing closer, she realized they were in
her
office, and a siren was going off.

The receptionist came out of the space wearing a silly grin. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Resist what?”

“You’ll see.” Still chuckling, the girl hurried away.

Kate rounded the corner, saw the source of the commotion, and broke into a wide smile. Nick hadn’t ignored Valentine’s Day after all. The balloons were attached to a toy police car, a reminder of the speeding ticket and his promise to go slow with her.
Oh, Nick . . .
She’d sent him a funny little card, but she’d read a hundred mushy ones before deciding to play it safe. Suddenly melancholy, she opened the envelope that held a card with a glossy picture of a red rose. There was no printed message, only Nick’s familiar handwriting.

Dear Kate,

There’s no way I’m going to let Valentine’s Day go by without telling you how I feel. There are no secrets between us, only things still unsaid. I respect your choices—you know that. And I’ve got your back here in Meadows—you know that, too. What you don’t know is that I understand the need to go slow, to search, to wander in the dark, groping blindly for answers because you can’t see what lies ahead. Do you remember that social sabbatical I talked about it? It ends April 9th. I really do understand the need to seek until you find. I’m not patient by nature—you know that, too. But I am in love with you, and that makes all things possible.

Love, Nick.

Tears pushed into her eyes, but she blinked them back. Was she crazy for not walking out of Sutton and straight
into Nick’s arms? So what if she didn’t fully understand this thing called faith? No one had all the answers.

It was almost four o’clock and time for him to call.
Lord? Are you there? I
can’t stand this confusion!
The prayer flew through her mind like a bird crossing an empty sky, growing smaller and smaller until it disappeared from sight. That’s how her relationship with God had been since New Year’s Eve. Distant. Random. Faded. Aching inside, she set down the card and pressed the button on the police car to set off the siren.

“That’s certainly unique.”

She turned and saw Eve studying the balloons. “Are these from Nick?”

“Yes.”

“Interesting color scheme. Did you two break up?”

“No. But it’s complicated.”

“It’s only as complicated as you want it to be.” Eve indicated that Kate should sit, then took the chair next to the desk. “What’s the problem?”

“Problem?”

“Yes. With Nick. Why didn’t he give you roses or chocolates?” Eve lowered her voice. “Or lingerie.”

Eve would never understand Nick’s personal choices, so Kate focused on what Eve
could
understand—the struggle to balance love and a career. “Nick’s ready to settle down, but I don’t know if I am. He wants . . . everything. I’m not sure how much of myself I want to give up.”

“Oh, darling—” Eve gripped Kate’s hand in both of hers. “A man who wants everything will destroy you. To borrow your own phrase, he’ll take the ‘you’ out of . . . you.”

Kate shook her head. “Nick’s not like that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Eve lifted one of her famously arched brows. “In that case, you ought to be with him—not here at Sutton. The fact you
are
here, tells me you have doubts.”

Not in Nick but in God.
Kate wasn’t about to share her faith crisis with Eve. The actress was famous for sampling different religions, and Kate couldn’t defend herself. “I’m just trying to sort things out.”

“Well, good,” Eve said. “Because I have an offer for you.”

“An offer?”

The actress grinned like the Cheshire cat. “Before I say anything else, I want you to know I talked to Roscoe. He expected to lose you anyway, and he knows I can do more for you than he can. He gave his blessing.”

“For what?” Kate couldn’t put the pieces together, and Eve’s smug expression didn’t offer any clues.

“Eve’s Garden is expanding into EG Enterprises. I want you to be the new director of marketing.”