Until I Found You (29 page)

“I know what they’re not.”

“So do I.” She wasn’t here for money, prestige, or power. She liked her job and was happy doing it. Her career was the one area of her life where she maintained a modicum of control. “What are you accusing me of?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything.”

“Then what—”

“I’m worried about you!”

She didn’t understand at all. She and Nick had some schedule issues, but those could be resolved with a little compromise. She knew she’d asked a lot from him, but the sudden pressure seemed unreasonable. If he could hurl questions, so could she.

“Why are you so worked up about this? I know we haven’t
had much time together, but that’ll change now that the party’s over. I promise.”

A skeptical look crossed his face. “You can’t make that promise. You don’t know what Eve will ask next.”

“Neither do you.”

“I know this kind of life.” His voice sped up. “I lived in a world just like this place. I know what happens. People go further than they ever intended. They take more, do more, need more. It’s like an addiction.”

Kate finally understood. Nick hated his past and wanted to protect her, but he was imposing himself on her life, pulling her away from something she loved. Well intentioned or not, she resented his interference. “You don’t want me to work for Eve, do you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s where this is going. You think Eve’s Garden is worldly. That it’s wrong to emphasize beauty—”

He jammed his hands in his pants pockets. One knee jutted forward and he scowled. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Well, I’m not.”

Air hissed out of his nose. “Trust me, Kate. Men are visual creatures. We enjoy looking at beautiful women.” He hammered his chest with his index finger. “
I
enjoy looking at beautiful women—especially you. Eve’s doing men a favor. You can sell skin cream all day long, and I’ll be proud of you. But you have to know
why
you’re selling it. Is it because you believe in the product, or just need a job? Or do you think God put you at Eve’s Garden for a purpose?”

None of those reasons resonated.

Not a one.

So why was she here—quarreling with Nick and close to tears, angry enough to scream, and hurting as if she’d been stabbed or hit by a knife hurled by a trusted partner?
Moonlight fell from the sky, casting shadows among the trees and turning Nick into a demanding stranger.

“It’s not
what
you do,” he insisted. “It’s why. We’d have the same conversation if you wanted to go to medical school or deliver Bibles to lost tribes in the Amazon. It comes down to just one question—”

“Maybe for you!” She hated his smugness. Right now, she hated him. “I have
a lot
of questions.”

“I know.”

“Oh no, you don’t!” How could he? He was always so sure of himself, so confident that he’d land on his feet. Trembling, she marched up to him and went toe to toe, their faces inches apart. “I don’t have all the answers like you do.
I’m scared all the time.”

He gripped her upper arms inside the tux coat. “I’m asking just one question. Is your faith in God or is it in Eve Landon?”

“It’s—It’s—”
Neither
. Her faith was in herself and her own abilities—in things she could see, hear, feel, and taste. Suddenly she was back on Leona’s deck looking at Mount Abel, feeling the pulse of nature and full of hope and doubt and everything in between. It seemed that she could have the security of Eve’s Garden and be in control, or she could have Nick, a man who forced her to travel unfamiliar roads. Those roads terrified her, because they were full of cliffs, blind curves, and obstacles like condors eating roadkill. She felt emotionally raw, laid bare, hollow, and stripped to an infant-like neediness. What was wrong with wanting to be safe and secure?

Tightening his grip, he lifted her ever so slightly. “If you believe with your whole heart that God wants you here, then take the job.
Fight for it.
But if God isn’t in it, get out now. This place is an accident waiting to happen.”

“So you won’t support me if I stay?”

“I’ll love you forever.” Crushing her against his chest, he pressed her head tight against the collar of his shirt. “Nothing can change how I feel about you.
Nothing.
I’d take a bullet for you, walk on hot coals. I’ll watch chick flicks and hold your purse at the mall. When babies come, I’ll rub your feet, and when we’re old and gray, I’ll love you even more than I do now. But I can’t stand here and say, ‘Do whatever makes you happy,’ because
happy
is temporary. I want us to have more, Kate. I want us to have joy.”

She clung to him, her fingers knotted in his shirt and her nose inhaling the scent of his skin. She wanted to make the same bold declarations—to say that she’d have his babies and scratch his back, ride the Harley, and not ever nag. But she didn’t have the courage to trade the world she understood for one she didn’t.

His throat twitched against her temple. For another moment, he held her close. Then his arms relaxed and he stepped back, releasing her completely. “I’m going back to Meadows.”

Kate held back tears. “Tonight?”

“Yes.”

“But—”
We had plans. Tomorrow is special to you.
Somehow everything had changed. Not only did Kate wonder if she could ever match Nick’s faith, she had fresh doubts about blending their lives into one. Even so, she couldn’t bear to sever the tie with so much unsaid. “Give me a minute to explain to Eve. I’ll go with you.”

“No.”

His response cut to her heart. “Don’t leave,” she pleaded. “Not like this. ”

“It’s necessary.” He studied her for several seconds, his expression unreadable. “Eve wants to talk to you about something. You need to hear it.”

“What is it?”

“It’s her place to explain.” He raked his hand through his hair, leaving furrows that didn’t close. “We both have some thinking to do. I’m going up to Mount Abel for the weekend. I’ll be at the Clarion on Monday.”

With the finality of those words, the last knife missed her ear and sliced her heart in two. Fighting tears, she slipped the tuxedo coat off her shoulders and handed it to him. He stared down at the black cloth, then into her eyes. They were inches apart, but the rift between them was a mile wide. Kate craved resolution, but she couldn’t sprout wings and fly across the divide. Tonight Nick had fought for her, and she’d pushed him away with both hands. If she couldn’t be the woman he wanted, they didn’t have a future.

“So,” she said in a flinty voice. “This is it. You’re leaving.”

“Yes, I am.” After a final lingering look, he flung his coat over his shoulder and sauntered down the path to the parking lot.

Fighting tears, anger, and a longing so deep it made her physically ill, she watched his every step until he vanished into the dark.

N
ick barely restrained himself
from burning rubber as he drove away from Eve’s Garden. He’d been a breath away from pulling Kate into his arms and kissing away the nonsense. There was something to be said for staking a claim—reminding her of the elemental connection between a man and a woman, but then where would they be? She had to come to him of her own volition—fully and freely, not because of passion fueled by anger. Passion in a relationship ebbed and flowed like the tide touching the shore. Love didn’t change. It was like the ocean—vast, stormy, deep, and enduring.

Nick wanted love.

And, as he told Kate, he wanted joy.

He feared now he was losing her
—
not to Eve Landon but to her own fear. For a moment in the garden, he’d remembered Kate trapped in the BMW and too afraid to jump. If Nick hadn’t pulled her free, she would have died. In much the same way, he wanted to yank her away from Eve Landon but couldn’t. This time Kate had to make the leap for herself.

“Lord, I can’t stand it!” His roar reverberated in the cab
of the truck, blasting over the traffic noise and shattering the last of Nick’s self-control. “She’s in trouble and I can’t help her. I’m losing her.”

A red light stopped him from punching the gas, but he gave full voice to an obscenity. The foul word masked the searing pain in his chest where Kate had ripped out his heart. He meant what he’d said about loving her no matter what she did for a living, or where she worked; but that same love demanded that he speak the truth as he saw it. No way could he stand back and watch the woman he loved turn into Eve Landon.

But it was her choice—not his. This was between Kate and God. And that meant Nick had to set her free to choose her own path.

“No!” he shouted to God. “I can’t do it!”

With rebellion hot on his tongue, he steered onto the 405. Every mile took him further from Kate and the joys he wanted to share—a home, children, a dog with a silly name. “Is that asking too much?” he muttered. “I’ve done everything right. A solid year of celibacy! A solid year of trusting you to make me a better man. And look where I am.”

Furious.

Brokenhearted.

Terrified.

The weight on his shoulders increased with every mile, pressing down like a grindstone turning wheat into dust. Suddenly it was all too much. He was sick to death of
trying
to do the right thing,
trying
to please God,
trying
to live his faith. He was human, for crying out loud! What more did God want from him? It didn’t matter anymore, because he was done fighting the good fight. He needed relief, and he knew where to find it. He hadn’t gotten drunk in a year, but he sure was in the mood now. He wanted to listen to Nirvana
and pound down Jack Daniels until he was drunk—not just drunk but stupid drunk.

With numbness beckoning, he sped toward the Black Dog Lounge. He was coasting down the Meadows off-ramp when his phone rang. He saw Sam’s number and ignored it.

Sam called again.

Nick ignored it again but started to worry. It was late. Maybe something was terribly wrong. Maybe one of the kids had cracked his skull open and Sam needed him. Muttering to himself, he stopped at the far edge of the Black Dog parking lot and called his brother. “What’s going on?”

“I know it’s late,” Sam said. “But I figured you’d be awake. If you’re not doing anything tomorrow, how’d you like to put in a sprinkler system?”

Nick clenched his teeth so hard they throbbed. He’d been ready to go to the emergency room, maybe donate blood. Instead, Sam was babbling about landscaping.
Grass. A yard. Kids—
the kind of life Nick wanted with Kate and might never have. He couldn’t stand the thought of spending tomorrow with his happy brother and his happy wife and happy kids. If Sam needed his help, the sprinkler system would have to wait. Nick pushed a polite “I can’t” through his clenched teeth, but his anger leaked out in a tense sigh.

Sam paused. “You’re in trouble.”

“I’m fine.” He’d lied, but so what?

“You don’t sound fine.”

Hiding from Sam was like playing hide-and-seek when they were kids. Sam knew all of Nick’s favorite hiding places. “You’re right. I feel like garbage. Eve Landon is about to make Kate vice president of her new corporation. Kate wants it, Sam. Badly. She’s confused and God—God’s not paying attention.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know enough.”

“No, you don’t. You’re angry and—”

“You bet I’m angry!” He flung the truck door wide and leapt to the cracked asphalt. “I’m stinkin’ furious, and you know what else? I’ve had it with playing by the rules. I’ve done everything right—
everything.
And look where it got me. Kate’s about to make the biggest mistake of her life,
and I can’t stop her.
I’ve had it, Sam—”

“Slow down—”

“No! I’ve had it with slowing down. I’m headed to the Black Dog and I’m going to get drunk enough to—”

“It won’t help,” Sam interrupted. “Remember Calexico?”

Yes, Nick remembered. He’d been a Christian for a month when grief and shame had crashed down on him. Afraid he’d slip into his old ways, he had ridden the Harley for hours, escaping into speed and noise instead of a bottle or female company. That ride ended in Calexico, a border town near Baja, where he checked into a ratty motel and finally called Sam. His brother had told him to read Psalm 139. That night, Nick had memorized it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

Now Sam was yammering again, this time about patience and hope, but Nick couldn’t listen. “I have to go.”

“Wait—”

He clicked off the phone, tossed it in the truck, and slammed the door. He couldn’t stand his brother’s advice right now. With his blood hot in his veins, he strode into a vacant lot full of weeds, cans, and broken bottles. A semi whizzed past, fouling the air with diesel as the brake hammered and the truck slowed. The yellow running lights glowed against the night, and the headlights swept through the dark while the truck navigated the on-ramp, its gears
shifting and engine roaring until the red taillights disappeared over a hill.

Silence descended. There was no other traffic on the road, no one at the gas station on the corner. There was nothing except a sky lit by a thousand stars, the stinking asphalt highway, and the mountains silhouetted by the full moon. His breath rasped through his nose, a sign of physical life, though his spirit was gasping for air of a different kind. He couldn’t do this—not anymore. He wanted so badly to save Kate from Eve—to be her knight in shining armor.

But he couldn’t. He wasn’t God.

He could only choose to trust and believe in the God who had graced him on the top of Mount Abel, the God whose name was . . .

King of Kings.

Lord of Lords.

Jesus Christ.

And the great
I AM
.

With those eternal words booming in his mind, Nick fell to his knees.
Faith
. It all came down to believing that God was who He said He was, and that He could be trusted even when the earthly circumstances seemed grim.

His breathing deepened, and his mind began to clear. In a way, he’d done exactly what he had warned Kate to avoid. Instead of trusting God, he’d been ready to take matters into his own hands and escape at the Black Dog Lounge. Groaning at his own sin, Nick looked again at the black velvet sky, welcomed forgiveness, and released Kate into God’s hands. The weight lifted off his shoulders and his entire body relaxed. Breathing deep, he settled back into his own skin, then went to his truck and called his brother.

“Hey,” Sam answered. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. I am now.”

“Good, because I was about to hunt you down. You want to talk about it?”

“No. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Nick was truly at peace. Surely the God who had saved a wretch like him would fight for a wonderful woman like Kate. “I’m headed up to Mount Abel. The reception’s spotty, so don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure? Being alone might not be a good idea. Gayle and the boys would love to see you—”

“Liar.” Nick grinned. “You just want me to dig ditches for the sprinklers.”

“Fine,” Sam jabbed back. “Leave me with a mile of sprinkler pipe and no help. But, Nick, I really am worried about you.”

“Don’t be. I’m good.”

“Are you sure, because if you’re not—”

“Hey, Sam,” Nick replied, laughing now. “Man up. You worry too much.” With his brother sputtering at the friendly jab, Nick clicked off the phone and went home to get his camping gear.