Upside Down (18 page)

“Hey, gorgeous, where are you going? I thought you
’d stay. No, I hoped you’d stay.”

“Sorry, Mark. I’ve got to go
,” I kissed his sleepy eyes. “Thank you for everything. Today is Saturday. Let’s get together. I’ll call you later.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

His yawn muffled half of his reply. I laughed at his dazed expression, then, kissed his lips.

“
Go back to sleep, sweetie.”

* * * *

All those feelings of being safe and protected started to vanish the moment I left Mark’s arms. The further I got from his house, the more insecure I felt. My doubts returned with a vengeance. Instead of that annoying little voice in my head telling me to be more careful with my battered heart I heard a cacophony of voices – all telling me to disappear, to get as far away from Mark as possible.

When I got to my apartment, I wasn’t so sure I had done the right thing telling Mark about my parents
, or staying so late or even having slept with him.

“Now, he knows I’m vulnerable
and he might have gotten the wrong idea about my real feelings for him,” I told myself.

The problem being – I didn’t know what my real feelings were. I didn’t understand what was going on in my life any longer. Everything seemed upside down.

I took a quick shower and got some sleep. After a couple of hours’ worth of rest, I got up, prepared breakfast, sat down to eat and to decide what to do next with my life. It took me forever to finish that breakfast but, by the end, I knew what I had to do. It was the only decent thing to do. I had always prided myself on my honesty. It was about time I used some of that honesty to evaluate my own situation.

I dialed
a number and Mark picked up the call almost immediately.

“Good morning, gorgeous.”

“You sound peppy today, Mark.”

“I had the best night yesterday, that’s why.”

I hated myself for what I was going to do to him. I hesitated and almost changed my mind. Finally, I took a deep silent breath.

“Mark, could you come by my apartment? I need to talk to you.”

“Absolutely. I can be there in thirty minutes. Is that too early?”

“No, that is great. Thanks.”

“You sound serious, Carol. Is everything OK? Did you talk to your parents?

“No! I’m fine, Mark. Everything is fine. I just wanted to talk to you. That’s all.”

I didn’t want to have that conversation over the phone. It was going to be hard enough to talk to Mark in person.

“If you say so.
I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Less than twenty minutes later, Mark was at my door. I greeted him and giggled to cover up my feeling of awkwardness. The giggling sounded even worse.
I took him to the sofa and knelt on the floor in front of him, between his legs. I put my hands on his thighs and absent-mindedly stroked them. I stared down, on my hands, instead of into his inquisitive stare.

“Carol, you’re making me nervous. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Mark. I’ve never wanted to, but I have to tell you some stuff that will hurt you. And I don’t know how to start,” I lifted my eyes to him hoping he could read my anguish in them.

“You look tormented. Please, just be blunt, then
.”

“Mark, you’re a great guy and we’ve had a lot a fun together. But, I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve always been honest with my partners and I’ve always been faithful. I wouldn’t treat you with less consideration.
”

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and
to give him a chance to say something. When he didn’t react, I had to go on.

“
So, I have to tell you. Last Thursday, I had sex with another person. I hadn’t plan to, by the way. I was taken by surprise but I should have stopped it before it went too far. I know. The thing is,” I begged his forgiveness, with my eyes, my hands on his thighs, my voice and my mind, for what I was about to say. “I’m attracted to this person. Against my better judgment, I must add. I can’t help myself, though. I’m torn between you two. I like you. I like being with you. I like the way you make me feel.”

My voice died away. That was all the speech I had been able to prepare. I didn’t want to tell Mark, at that point, the most important fact in that equation – that I was attracted to a woman. I had been very careful about the phrasing of my little confession. Things were about to get very ugly between us and very sad for him without my adding salt to his wounds.

Silence fell in the room for what seemed like an eternity. The tension in the air was palpable. A million different emotions shone in his emerald green eyes until they were as dark as the rainforest.

“Basically, you are telling me that you like me, but you slept with another guy, and now you don’t know which one you prefer. Is that
it or did I forget something?”

“
Yes, if I were a very blunt, insensitive person. I’m going for the exact opposite here, Mark. I’m trying to do the right thing by you.”

“The right thing, in my opinion, would have been for you
not
to have fucked around.”

“I know you’re angry but don’t be unfair. It happened only once. I didn’t sleep around.”

“No, you didn’t sleep around. After having sex once with this guy, you felt so guilty, you went to a sex club hundreds of miles away! God only knows what you did there!”

“Club Desire doesn’t count as sleeping around. It’s a Fantasy Island, Mark
, where nothing is real. You know that. You’ve been there!”

“I don’t understand you, Carol.
”

“That
’s the thing, sweetie. I haven’t been able to understand myself lately.”

“So, let me get
this straight. You said you were attracted to this guy; that you didn’t expect to have sex with him, but did it anyway last Thursday. You also said you’ve been trying to figure things out
lately
. That means you’ve been attracted to him for a while. Did you meet him before or after I told you I loved you? How long have you been attracted to him?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t know, actually. What does it matter?”

“It matters because, in my opinion, there are two explanations for your behavior. Either, your feelings for him are older and then had nothing to do with my saying that I loved you; or, you’ve developed these feelings after I told you that to avoid facing your real feelings for me. You are afraid of commitment, Carol. That much is very clear to me. Is it clear to you?”

I opened my mouth to refute his argument but let it drop open without a word. He might not be that wrong, after all. I needed time to consider those possibilities.

“Wow, Mark. You’ve got me. I don’t know what to say. You might be right. I need time to think this over.”

“You do that
. Then, let me know what you’ve decided,” he sounded cynical. “I have to warn you, tough. I won’t wait forever. I’ve said ‘I love you’ twice already.”

“You also
said you didn’t expect to hear it back.”

“
That was before. I said that when there were only the two of us in the picture. Now, you’ve brought this other guy in. And you don’t even want to tell me who the hell he is,” he raised his hand when I tried to protest. “Please, don’t insult my intelligence, too. That is very clear. I can only assume I know him and you’re trying to avoid a confrontation.”

He stopped and waited for a reply from me. When I offered nothing, he laughed but it was a humorless, dry sound.

“Nothing? Seriously, Carol?
See what I mean? I can’t go on like this. I have my pride, you know. I don’t know how long I can wait for you to decide.”

Before I could reply, the intercom
buzzed. I frowned but answered it.

“Yes
?”

“Carol, it’s your mother and
I. Can we come up?” my father asked.

They were the last people I wanted to face then but I had no choice.

“Yeah, sure.”

I turned to Mark and
, at that moment, I realized I needed his support. It was a strange feeling for me. I wasn’t used to feeling vulnerable but I just couldn’t deal with my parents on my own.

“Mark, I know you’re mad at me right now. Rightfully so. But could you stay with me while my parents are here?”

It was probably the most difficult thing for me to ask of him and he read it in my eyes because he didn’t hesitate to agree.

“Absolutely. You can always count on me
, Carol.”

The doorbell announced my parents and I opened the door to let them in. Greetings were understandably awkward and I made the introductions before leading them to the living room.

“Would you like some coffee or something to eat?” I asked as the proper hostess that I had been raised to be.

My parents declined and looked around the room. I had decided I would let them do the talking, so I sat down beside Mark on the small
er couch. They were obviously uncomfortable with his presence but I wasn’t about to make them feel better about anything, much less that. After a long silence, my mother decided to talk.

“You have a beautiful apartment, dear. I believe this is the first time your father and I visit, isn’t it?”

“And whose fault is that, mom?”

“There’s no need to be rude to your mother, Carol. We came here to talk to you.”

“By all means, talk, dad!”

They looked at me and then at Mark
sitting beside me as if I needed a hint.

“Oh, you
’re worried about Mark, aren’t you? Don’t be. I’ve asked him to stay.”

“Sweetie, we have some rather delicate issues to discuss. Are you sure you don’t prefer doing
so in private?” my diplomatic mother suggested.

Before I could answer, Mark held my hand in his, raised it to his lips and kissed the back.

“Mrs. Sullivan, I assure you anything you have to say to Carol will remain strictly between the four of us. Besides, we don’t keep secrets from each other, right, pumpkin?” he looked at me, smiling.

There it was. The million-dollar sparkling grin that didn’t reach his eyes. The fake smile that could fool almost anybody – except me.

“That’s right, love,” I returned his sly tongue-lashing. After all, two could play at that game. “No secrets. Besides, mom, Mark has always been here for me. He’s my safe haven.”

This time my words and my tone were sincere and Mark got that. He leaned towards me, planted a sweet, chaste kiss on my lips and whispered in my ear so that only I could hear him. “Thank you.”

I squeezed his hand in response and turned back to my parents. “So, what is this big announcement you have to make? Does it have anything to do with your being at Club Desire?”

My mother sat upright, fidgeting while my father cleared his throat, patted the hands she kept clasping and unclasping on her lap.

“I’ve got it, honey,” he told her in a low, reassuring voice. “Carol, all those years ago, when I first got to Angola, the situation was much worse than I had thought it would be. There was a cruel civil war, crime rate was staggering and many times doubted I would be able to see either one of you again. Life was almost unbearable and I was miserable but couldn’t go back on my commitment,” he hesitated for a moment and my mother took over the narrative.

“That was the first and main reason we never considered taking you to Africa with us.
But, at the end of that first year, when your father came to Boston to visit I noticed there was something else going on with him there. He didn’t tell me but I knew he wasn’t the same man who had left us months before. I loved him to death and didn’t want to lose him to whatever was going on thousands of miles away from home. I was selfish for deciding to go back with him but I honestly thought it would be for a short while. I just wanted to find out why my husband had changed so much?”

“I was very young but I remember seeing you two together then. You looked as in love as ever.”

“The changes were very subtle and took place mostly in our bedroom. Nobody would have noticed but me.”

I made a face at the idea of my parents having sex and Mark nudged me. I looked at him.

“What?! I know my parents have sex, Mark. I’m not a child. I just don’t like being reminded of that, OK?”

“I know it’s an uncomfortable topic, sweetie, but it’s essential to the whole story. As your mother was saying, she noticed the changes and got worried. I wasn’t ready to talk about Africa. I was also afraid your mother would leave me if I
told her what was going on. I also couldn’t help behaving differently. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say that I had become more forceful and demanding in my sexual appetites.”

“I was shocked at first. Then, I was outraged. Finally, I got curious.
Still, your father would tell me nothing about what was going on.”

They looked at each other and it was so obvious they were taking a long stroll down memory lane that I kept my bitter remarks to myself.
I turned to Mark to find out he was staring at me. There was so much love in the depths of his green eyes. It was breathtaking. I had to admit it to myself even if I wouldn’t confess it to him. He mouthed ‘are you all right?” and I nodded.