Upside Down (26 page)

He inhaled and kissed the top of my breasts that peaked at him through the cleavage. But they were chaste kisses. I caressed his hair and continued speaking, holding him close to my heart.

“Mark, I thought I had made up my mind up to five minutes ago. No, strike that. Up to yesterday. I want to be honest with you, so I need to speak the truth.”

He must have sensed the seriousness of the topic because he stopped playing with the buttons in my blouse and sat straight up, staring at me.

“I had a chance to talk to the person. In fact, I spent a lot of time with that person last week and over the weekend. I’ll spare you the details but I found out I have feelings for this person.”

I didn’t know how to best explain the whole situation to him. I wanted to say Cindy was the person I had gotten involved with but couldn’t find a way to do so. He noticed my discomfort and offered to help. Not in a very nice way, I must add, but understandable under those circumstances.

“Carol, for heaven’s sake. Enough already of this ‘the person’ nonsense. Who the hell is he? I think I deserve to know.”

“Yes,
absolutely. I was getting there.”

“Cut to the chase, then.”

“It’s Cindy. Cindy O’Rourke.”

“Cindy?! Cindy, the receptionist!? How could you?” he shouted and
I braced myself for the storm because I thought he was pissed off at me for having hidden the fact that I had slept with a woman, not a man. He surprised me, again. He was very pissed off, but at something I hadn’t expected. “You’ve known her for what? Two months?”

“You’re more upset with me because I don’t know her for very long than because she’s a woman. Is that
it?”

“Yes, Carol, obviously. I don’t care if you have your eyes set on a girl or a guy. I’m upset because you’ve risked something so good that has been going on between us for
almost two years on the off-chance of getting down and dirty with somebody you’ve just met.”

“Mark, I haven’t thought of it like that. You are right. I’m sorry,” I grabbed his hand and he didn’t yank it free. It was an excellent sign. “It’s just that it feels like I’ve known Cindy for much longer
than that. My feelings for her are so intense I forget they are recent.”

I waited but he didn’t reply. I continued.

“Besides, our relationship has changed very recently, too. Up until this morning, I thought I had decided to end things between us. Then, I saw you at the office and I doubted my decision. Still, I thought I was only being coward. Now, here I’m with you and seeing you hurt, I’m sure of something else,” I held both his hands and looked him deeply in the eyes. “I’m falling in love with you, Mark. This much I’m sure. I’m also sure that I don’t want you to suffer. I don’t want to lose you, either.”

He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me against him with such a strong grip that he knocked the air out of my lungs. I caressed his broad shoulders and back until I
ran my fingers through his soft hair. He kissed me, I kissed him back. We lay down together on the couch and for a minute I dreamed I could make love to him. Then, reality and my conscience pulled me up from the delicious sea of lust. I stopped caressing him and he raised to look at me.

“What?”

“I told you - I thought I had decided to be with Cindy up until this morning.”

He sat up again and ran a hand through his messed up hair.

“Oh, god! You haven’t really decided, have you?”

I just shook my hair.

“Do you love her?”

“I think I’m falling for her.”

“Does she love you?”

“I don’t know. She says it’s too
soon to know.

“Well, that’s something I agree with her about.”

We sat there for a while, in silence, thinking. Suddenly, Mark stood up, looked at me and said. “OK. I’ve had it. I don’t know how, and I don’t care, but you’ve got to make-up your mind, Carol. I can’t go on like this. I’ve told you that before. That’s why we decided on a break, after all. That’s why I took a week off. I don’t know what else I can say or do.”

I looked up at his clouded expression and my eyes got misty. I hated that weak version of myself who had caused so much pain for everybody. I stood up and put my hands on his shoulders.

“This weakling little thing who can’t decide if she wants to stay or go is not me, Mark. You know that. I know that. I need to find my way back to my old self. Please forgive me and give just a little more time. Can you do that?”

He sighed and put his hands on mine, squeezing them a little.

“I can’t say ‘no’ to you, can I? Don’t take too long, please.”

“I’
ll try not to.”

I left his house feeling miserable. The taxi ride was short but seemed to last forever. I was emotionally exhausted when I got home, so, I went straight to my bedroom, undressed and lay down. I thought I was going to have trouble going to sleep but I did it quite easily.

At first, I thought it was real. I thought Iris Pinkman wasn’t dead and I was meeting her again. Then, I remembered she was really dead and it had to be a dream. She smiled serenely and shook her head.

“There are so many things we don’t understand in this world, child. Life and Death are just two of them. I died but I’m still myself.
I still love the ones that stayed behind.”

We were sitting on a bench in the middle of a fantastic
, colorful garden. She put an arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder.

“Did you love
your husband, Iris?”

“Very much, my dear. He was my first true love and I thought he’d be the last. We had a very good marriage and a happy life together. When he passed away, I thought I’d never love again.”

“But you did, didn’t you? You loved Bob, too. How come?”

“Freckles, I think I’ve never met two people who had so little in common. Yet, I loved them both, deeply. And both of them made me
extremely happy in their own way.”

“Oh, Iris. You’re not helping me,” I whined.

She seemed to know my problem without my saying anything at all.

“Don’t be such a crybaby. It doesn’t suit you. It never had. You’re a strong-willed woman and you know exactly what you want. You never let one or two social conventions and old customs stop you before. Why would you let them do it now?”

“I think I’m getting soft in my old age.”

“Nonsense.
Trust your heart and go after your dreams. Your heart has never failed you before.”

I kissed her wrinkled face and lay down my head on her lap like I used to do when I was very little and we sat outside, in the summer, to watch the stars. I looked up and the sky had turned dark but the million little lights shining back at us were more beautiful than any other night sky I had ever seen. I closed my eyes to savor her soothing presence.

When I opened them again, I was back at the bar at Club Desire. It was a dream, so I wasn’t surprised at the change of scenery. Iris had disappeared. I saw Jean-Paul Morgaut instead. I was a little uncomfortable and didn’t know how to act around him. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask him. At the same time, I didn’t want to talk to him at all. I didn’t know what to say or how to treat him.

“Don’t worry, my dear. I didn’t expect you to come running and hug me like an old uncle. I know there many things you want to know and we may have other chances in the future to talk.”

I just stared back at him, open-mouthed. He smiled back and, suddenly, his face transformed. It lost all its wrinkles and lines and he looked like a thirty-year-old man again. He was stunning. That was the man my father had met. That was the man he had fallen in love with. So had my mother. I couldn’t blame them.

“I’m flattered.”

“Can you read my mind?”

“I guess. I’m still learning how this afterlife thing works. I wasn’t exactly a religious man, you know. For example, I never know how much time I’ll have when I meet someone. So, excuse me for being direct.”

“Please, go ahead.”

“The other day, at the Club, I wanted to apologize to you for having caused you so much pain, in the past. That was never my intention, our intention. But, I
loved Bill and Kate as much as I loved my wife, Simone.”

“How?”

“I loved each one in a different way but with the same intensity and I was equally happy with each one of them. If I had the chance, I’d do it all over again, the same way. I would never trade one day I spent with them for anything in your world or in this one I’m in now. Bill, Kate and Simone were my Paradise, my safe haven.”

His words we
re very similar to those my parents’ had used. I still didn’t know what to say.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just listen. Listen to me, to your old nanny and to your heart. Most of all, listen to your heart. Brains can be too logical and bodies are usually too selfish.
Hearts are true to ourselves and closer to our souls.”

Next morning, after I took a shower, I sat down for my breakfast and remembered to check my cell phone. I had left it inside my purse during the night and didn’t hear it ring. There were some business emails and some messages but I got pissed off when I saw the number of missed calls from Cindy’s phone. Not to mention the endless text messages. I dialed my voicemail service and listened to her first two messages. Then, I hung up. I called her cell and she answered after the third ring.

“Carol! Finally. What happened? Why didn’t you answer my calls? I was…”

“Cindy, listen to me and listen very carefully,” I
cut her off. There was no doubt my tone was demanding. “I don’t like to be cornered. I don’t like possessive people, either. I’m not an object. Nobody owns me.”

“I know that. I was just…”

“Don’t interrupt me. You were worried because I told you I would have dinner with Mark. If you don’t trust me, then, there’s no possible future for us. Do you get this?”

“Yes,” she answered in a small voice.

“Fine. Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Great. Now, you walked into this mess with eyes wide open. You knew quite well I had something going on with Mark for a while, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect. Now, you and I are on the same page. We both know where we stand in this. Agree?”

“Yes.”

“So, I’ll tell you what happened yesterday because you deserve my honesty, the same as Mark.”

I told her everything. I told her about dinner, wine, the kisses and my conversation with Mark.

“I’m in love with him, Cindy. I had told you that. I think I’m falling for you, too. That much I had also told you. Last night didn’t change anything. I’m just as confused as I was before.”

“Can I speak freely now?”

“Please.”

“I also thought you had made up your mind, Carol. I must agree with Mark. I can’t go on like this. I don’t cheat and I don’t tolerate cheating from other
s,” before I could say anything, she added. “I’m not saying you cheated. It’s just that you can’t have us both. You need to choose.”

“I know and I will.”

“Don’t take too long. Hearts are very fragile things that once broken can never go back to the way they were before.”

“Do you mean you have feelings for me, too?”

She hesitated and I held my breath because it would have made a lot of difference to me.

“I don’t know. I’m still not sure. I just know that I spent a hell of a night thinking about you and Mark together. It wasn’t pretty. I hated myself for that, too.”

“That’s a start,” I laughed and she let out a dry laugh. “Don’t hate yourself too much, Cindy. You’re such a sweet, sweet girl. And, by sweet, I don’t mean nice.”

“You are unbelievable,” she
grudgingly said. “See you later, gorgeous.”

Then, I knew we were fine.

“See you.”

The next couple of days were a torture for me. I was sure they weren’t any better on Mark and Cindy. I still felt torn between the two and incapable of choosing one over the other. I n
oticed they seemed to resent each other, too - understandably so, I told myself. They were very professional and worked together but the tension in the air was palpable. It wasn’t healthy. It was driving me insane.

By Thursday afternoon, I had had enough of it all. My birthday party would happen in a week’s time and I set that as my deadline. I called Dave in London and asked if I could go visit him and Jerry for some days.

“That would be brilliant.”

“Oh, gosh! You’ve stayed too long in London,” I joked
because of his choice of word.

“You’re right, girl! That’s why we’re coming back!”

“Oh, my God! You are? I’m so happy I think I’ll cry.”

“Don’t you dare, Caroline Anne Sullivan.”

We both laughed until we were out of breath.

“Oh, Dave, you always make feel good. No matter what.”

“That’s my goal in life, honey. I meant it to be a surprise, you know. We were going to show up at your dinner party with all our bags and stuff. You’ve ruined that, now.”