Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (38 page)

I began by reading the quote from Osho on the subject of the three basic elements of higher sex that I shared with you in
chapter 1
. When I finished, both Tantrikas and BDSM players were eagerly nodding agreement. Then I noticed that everyone was nodding. I had momentarily forgotten Tantra’s guiding principle: the elimination of duality. Paradoxically, the very principles that make the apparently opposing sexualities of Tantra and BDSM seem so different are the things that make them so similar.

As the weekend progressed, it became increasingly more fascinating and fun to see all the ways in which Tantra can enhance the practice of BDSM, and vice versa. Here are some actual questions I’ve been asked by Urban Tantra workshop participants, followed by the answers for each:

I get stage fright before I walk into a dungeon. I think about how much it is going to hurt. I love it once I start. But because of this fear, I don’t play as often as I’d like. Can Tantra help me?

You are someone who needs to prepare more than usual before playing. Bottoms often wait for a top to take the lead in a scene. Your scene starts before you leave for the dungeon. Think of your BDSM scene as a Tantric ritual. Take responsibility for your own preparation. Before you leave home, chill out by doing the Bottom Breath (see
chapter 4
). This will help calm your fear. Then warm up: raise some endorphins and a feeling of personal power by doing a few karate chops. Or scream underwater. Or better still, do the Cathartic Meditation (see
chapter 4
).

Come together with your top in negotiation. In addition to talking about what you definitely would like, what you definitely don’t want, and what you might be willing to try, negotiate a longer warming-up period for the rock and roll stage of your scene. Agree on a safe word. In your negotiations, also agree on how your top will treat you during the afterglow. You might want something like the kind of care provided by the giver in the Erotic Awakening Massage rituals (see chapters 16 through 18). A note for your top: a grounding hug is an excellent way to bring your bottom back to earth without losing the state of altered consciousness the two of you have spent so long building.

I’m a top. I’d like to be able to read my bottom more easily—to be more intuitive. Any tips?

Learn how to play at the Resilient Edge of Resistance (see
chapter 5
). No matter what kind of physical or emotional scene you are doing, you can coax more and more out of your bottom if you stay at your bottom’s Resilient Edge of Resistance.

In order to stay at this ever-shifting edge, stay conscious. This simply means being in a relaxed state of awareness, with a quiet mind. Then you are able to focus gently and easily on what’s going on in each present moment.

Use your breath to keep your attention focused on your intentions. Match your breath to the frequency and depth of your bottom’s breath. This will bring you to a physical awareness of what they are feeling. Observe how and where their energy is moving. Are they undulating their hips and making low, guttural sounds? Then their energy is in the first or second chakras. Are they tossing their head and making high-pitched squeals? Then their energy is in the upper chakras. We build energy in BDSM in the same ways we build energy in Tantra. It’s a dance of heart/upper chakra energy with genital/lower chakra energy. Keep both fires stoked with the appropriate mix of hard and soft play. Your bottom will think you can read his or her mind.

There is a top in my community that I’d love to play with. Everyone I know recommends him highly. But I just can’t bring myself to play with someone I don’t know well. Can Tantra help me to be more trusting?

Yes it can. In the come together/negotiation part of your ritual, do more than talk. Connect on body and spirit levels by eye gazing and using the Circular Breath. Negotiate while sitting in the Pose of Recognition with hand balancing. Play the mad/sad/glad/scared game to increase intimacy between you (see
chapter 13
). A few minutes of the heart position will also get your energy moving in a circuit between you. Pass this information along to your dream top … respectfully. If this top is as good as you hear he is, he’ll love learning some new techniques.

One of my bottoms loves to jump in at the deep end with heavy sensation play right from the start. But another just can’t handle that. I need some innovative tips on how to warm up my more fragile bottom
.

First determine what kind of sensations the bottom likes. Thuddy? Tingly? Stinging? Sharp? Are you trying to deliver lighter strokes with the heaviest piece of equipment you have? Your fragile bottom may see that imposing tool and experience any sensation coming from it as too painful (see the “Props: Mild to Wild” chart in
chapter 11
). Start with an inoffensive, silly prop that delivers a milder sensation, and work your way up to harder strokes with heavier equipment. Stay at the Resilient Edge of Resistance. Drop your judgments about what is or isn’t a “proper” BDSM prop. It won’t spoil your tough top image if you carry a long, pink ostrich feather into the dungeon.

I can’t stay in bondage very long without getting claustrophobic. I always ask to be released sooner than I want to be and sooner than my top would like. Any advice?

Try using the Bottom Breath and keep your focus on your breathing (see
chapter 4
). Don’t use an energizing breath, and don’t allow your fear to dictate the way you breathe. Short, rapid inhalations and exhalations will only make you more anxious.

Keep some part of your body moving. Even if most of your body is immobilized, there is always something you can move—your PC muscle, for example. Follow the example of my dance teacher Luigi after he was paralyzed in a car accident (see
chapter 7
).

I have a serious foot fetish. I fear that no one in either the Tantric or BDSM community will take me seriously. Where do I fit in?

Every fetish—from toes to tampons and plushies to playpens—can be enjoyed Tantrically. In Tantra, we strive to become the taste, feel, sound, and smell of our sensual experiences. If you love feet, dive deeply into their worship. Go into it totally. Find partners with tired toes in either the Tantric or BDSM community who will appreciate your devotion. Don’t worry about fitting in. Drop your expectations of how you will be received. Don’t judge yourself or allow others to judge you. Above all, drop your desire to understand why feet affect you the way they do. Conduct your foot worship with respect and consciousness and good manners, and you will be welcomed in more places than you can imagine.

I have been exclusively a top for ten years. I’m feeling out of balance. How might I use Tantra to explore bottom space?

Find yourself a switch (a partner who is comfortable either as a top or a bottom) and negotiate a scene that will be the BDSM equivalent of the Pose of Giving and Receiving position (see
chapter 13
). Go totally into topping and then totally into bottoming. Notice what bottoming is like for you and share that with your partner. Repeat the exercise, noticing the sense of commitment you have when you are topping. Try to move toward that sense of commitment to bottoming. Good bottoms pay attention to what their tops want from them. Using your experience as a top, pay attention to your own body responses to bottoming. Use the witnessing technique (see
chapter 4
).

My lover and I don’t include genital sex in our BDSM play. Can I use Tantric techniques to give myself an orgasm during a scene?

Tantra and BDSM share the opportunity for extended full-body orgasmic states. In both Tantra and BDSM, these orgasmic states are created using a wide variety of techniques that go beyond genital stimulation. Practicing the Firebreath Orgasm and the Clench and Hold will open neural pathways in your body that, once opened, stay open. These newly opened energy pathways will allow more and more pleasurable sensations of all kinds to flow throughout your body. Once you can easily do the Firebreath Orgasm and the Clench and Hold, you can incorporate them into whatever kind of scene you like. While you are being flogged, for example, you can have a full-body energy orgasm by breathing sexual energy up your chakras, followed by a Clench and Hold.

I
am a serious S/M player. I have a crush on someone who is far more Tantric than kinky. Is this worth pursuing? What can we do together that we would both enjoy?

Sure, it’s worth pursuing, provided both of you are willing to be creative.

The Erotic Awakening Massage offers many opportunities to give and receive pleasure of varying style and intensity. Modify it to include your individual preferences.

In the next chapter, you’ll find an Erotic Playsheet and directions on how to use it. It will help you to create an erotic encounter that will give each of you pleasure without asking either of you to compromise too radically.

As you can see, the yin and yang of Tantra and BDSM can be a delicious dance of conscious touch and intimate relating. Be creative. Borrow your favorite elements of each. Avoid the inclination to label your creation as a modified version of either. It’s all sacred sex, and the style, intensity, and components of your creating will probably change daily. In the next chapter, you’ll see how you can create rituals that will match your moods and fulfill your desires.

With so many Tantric techniques available to you, how do you decide which techniques to use, and when? In this chapter, you’ll learn to design Tantric rituals that fit your particular lifestyle and erotic tastes—rituals you can actually do in the time you’ve got. After all, life does have that sometimes pleasing, sometimes annoying tendency to present us with one surprise after another. Some are juicy and delightful; others are painful and difficult. No matter what kind of surprise happens to find you, you can use sex to celebrate it or help heal it. You accomplish this by creating erotic time that suits the mood you actually are in, as opposed to the mood you think you
should
be in order to enjoy sex.

A solo ritual is relatively simple to create, as you need only be concerned with pleasing yourself. If you have a partner and want to be sexual with them, things can get more complex. The two of you might try to come together after a busy day in the big city only to find yourselves in entirely different moods. This could lead to sex that is a compromise in which no one gets their needs met. That kind of sex can be worse than no sex at all; so over time, many couples find their sex lives fading away. Tantric rituals help you bring life, joy, and a much-needed sense of humor back to your sex life.

Whether you are planning to enjoy a Tantric ritual with your partner or by yourself, your first step is to figure out how you are feeling. This may not be as easy as it sounds. Try it. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right at this moment?” Are you in touch with your feelings, or are you more or less clueless? Now ask yourself, “What would I enjoy sexually right now?” On my good days, I have a pretty clear idea of what would make me all wet and tingly. I can also pinpoint exactly how mad, sad, glad, or scared I am. On my stress-filled, less-than-great days, those questions make me hopelessly frustrated, and I am likely to growl, “I don’t know. I’m having a hard day. I’ll get back to you!”

The Erotic Playsheet

I’ve put together an Erotic Playsheet. It helps me get back in touch with my feelings and desires on less-than-clear days. It’s a set of questions that you—or you and your partner—can answer prior to sex to get a better idea of how you are feeling and what you might want. The Erotic Playsheet is divided into two sections: how you are feeling, and which erotic activities you might enjoy. Make it part of your preparation. Breathe. Relax and take your time. The Erotic Playsheet is a gentle guide; it’s not a test. Answer as many questions as you can, but leave it blank if you honestly don’t know the answer or if you’re not interested in a particular activity. The Erotic Playsheet is simply a tool for locating your feelings and desires so that you can better honor them.