Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (4 page)

Although I learned Tantra in lovely, peaceful, wooded retreats, I don’t live in one. I have a penchant for big, boisterous, loud, overwhelming cities. I love my periodic retreats to the beach or the woods, but I can’t seem to stay away from the big city. Sadly, it’s very hard to do a three-day, under-the-stars, open-air Tantric ritual with a hot tub in New York City. It just doesn’t happen. So whenever I tried to create a ritual like that in New York, I would inevitably feel frustrated and stupid. There had to be a way to practice Tantra authentically, effectively, and ecstatically in environments of concrete and steel.

Before I could figure out how to practice Tantra in urban (and suburban) environs, I first had to ask, “What is the essence of Tantra?” I knew it wasn’t just about being in nature. Being in the midst of quiet woods or by a roaring ocean was healing and nurturing, but it wasn’t nature alone that produced the passion, creativity, and ecstatic peacefulness I had found in my workshops. Nature provided me the opportunity to slow down, breathe more deeply, drop my emotional armor, and simply be more
conscious
of the beauty in each moment of the day.

Consciousness. That was it! The difference between my ordinary urban life and my wooded Tantric retreats was
consciousness
. If I could be completely conscious and present in each moment, it wouldn’t matter whether I practiced Tantra in Bali or on the Bowery. Not only would location not matter, neither would strict adherence to “traditional” Tantric practices. Anything I performed with complete consciousness would be completely alive, authentic, and transformative. It was this theory that launched my search for a new kind of Tantric practice. In the pages to come, I’m going to share with you what I found: a flexible, conscious, urban Tantric practice that you can use, enjoy, exploit, adapt, expand, fold, spindle, or mutilate, as long as it works for you and brings you joy.

Introduction
WHAT IS TANTRA, ANYWAY?

Tantra is a vast and ancient subject. One could devote one’s entire life to it and still have only scratched the surface. But you do not have to devote the rest of your life to the study of Tantra in order to enjoy its pleasures and perversions. You can begin to experience the yummy stuff right away. You won’t need to go out and buy a lot of expensive stuff or change your wardrobe or learn to speak Sanskrit.

Tantra
is a Sanskrit word that means “loom” or “weaving.” Tantra can also mean “a continuous process,” “the carrying out of a ceremony,” a system, a theory, a doctrine, or a section of a book. As such, the word Tantra can simply refer to a treatise on any subject at all. So you’ll often see it used in the titles of books that have nothing to do with the kind of Tantra we’re talking about.

Even when we use the word Tantra to refer to the spiritual practice that includes sex, we’re likely to find many hundreds of texts about that alone. Many are still untranslated or even undiscovered. Many of the Tantric teachings were never committed to writing at all. They were transmitted by word of mouth—from guru to disciple, often conditionally upon the disciple’s promise of compete secrecy.

No one knows exactly when Tantra began. Some scholars believe the earliest texts were written three to five thousand years ago. The form of Tantra we’ll be exploring began in India in the early centuries AD when the popular religions were Hinduism and Buddhism. The numerous sects of these religions all believed that enlightenment—by which they meant release from an endless cycle of rebirths—involved the renunciation of worldly pleasures. Each sect had its own opinions on which pleasures should be the most conscientiously avoided and how best to avoid them.

Tantra was quite deliberately different. Tantra promised enlightenment in a single lifetime to those who cultivated pleasure, vision, and ecstasy instead of avoiding it. Tantra, then, was not only a spiritual pursuit but also a kind of sociopolitical revolt, aimed at least in part at breaking down India’s strict caste system. Tantra in India in the early days probably resembled the social revolution in America in the 1960s: experimentation with sex and drugs; group ecstatic rituals with music, dancing, and sex; loving whomever you choose regardless of race or background; and questioning the moral, ethical, and philosophical precepts of the day.

The sex, drugs, and rock and roll analogy does not stop there. The basic Hindu Tantric rite (Maithuna ritual) for the ordinary worshiper required the presence of several couples and their guru. Drugs were often smoked or drunk. There was food: fish, meat, grains, and wine. Then came the sex. A lot of sex. These rituals could go on for days. It was common for participating couples to exchange partners or to participate with temple prostitutes. The purpose of the rituals was not to enjoy greater intimacy with a spouse, but to achieve and experience the kind of oneness with a sexual partner that might be had between an individual and the rest of creation. Hence, “weaving” the two together.

Even in the early days, there were levels of Tantric practice ranging from “Tantra lite” to “all Tantra, all the time.” For those seriously committed to Tantra’s stated goal of achieving bliss in a single lifetime, there were intensive ritual programs involving ecstatic meditations, the chanting of mantras, complex yogic postures, mental visions (yantras), ceremonial intercourse with highly initiated partners (
dakinis
or “vessels of divine energy”), and eventually the ability to practice divine intercourse with oneself.

Ritual sex was a physicalization of the Tantric view of the creation of the world: Shiva (the god of pure consciousness) joining in sexual love with Shakti (the goddess of pure energy) gives birth to the world. I love this image—it is the most erotic beginning-of-the-world story I have ever heard. But its implications are far greater than that. Tantra views life as an ongoing process of creation; an ongoing marriage of consciousness and energy
at every level of existence
. The very essence of Tantra is contained in a few words—an excerpt from the
Vishvasara Tantra:

What is Here is Elsewhere
.

What is not Here is Nowhere
.

This is one of those statements about which volumes have been written. I think there’s sufficient power in its simplicity: what is spiritual is physical. What is physical is spiritual. If consciousness exists in my mind, it exists in my body. If energy exists in my body, it exists in my mind. Thus, at the heart of Tantra is the elimination of duality. In Tantra, we don’t divide good and evil, matter and spirit, or male and female into opposing camps. In fact, Tantra is the only spiritual path I know of that has always acknowledged the sexes as equally powerful, everywhere, all the time.

The Tantric belief that to feel sexual excitement is to experience a taste of divine energy was a profound and revolutionary thought. It was then and it still is today. Where Tantra came from or how exactly it was practiced is a lot less important than what Tantra has given us: the notion that sex can be sacred, and that all of life can be both included and celebrated on the path to enlightenment. Inclusiveness and celebration are key factors in Tantra’s increasing popularity today. However, Tantra is still misunderstood by many people.

Ten Myths about Tantra

Let’s take a look at some of the myths that surround Tantra so that we can more fully understand what Tantra is and what it is not.

MYTH #1: TANTRA IS A RELIGION
. If it were, I wouldn’t be doing it. You do not have to join any group, take any vow, or say any special words to practice Tantra. You do not have to swear allegiance to anyone, and nothing bad will happen if you do it “wrong” or differently from other people who practice it. (Interestingly enough, the word religion derives from Latin words meaning “a healing of the wounds of separation,” or “a making whole.” So if that’s what you’re looking for from a religion, then yes, you could certainly find that in Tantra.)

Tantra is a spiritual practice. In an effective spiritual practice, the spirituality comes to you. You open yourself up to it—you don’t have to chase after it. Or, as I like to think of it, the spirituality
does
you; you don’t have to do
it
.

MYTH #2: TANTRA HAS TO BE DONE BY A MAN AND A WOMAN
. Oh, this is a biggie. This one has kept more queer people out of Tantra than any other myth. How did this myth start? Probably because the practice of Tantra, being the path of acceptance of everything, has always embraced opposites: good/evil, sacred/profane, higher/lower, earthly/spiritual, yin/yang, light/shadow. In embracing these opposites, Tantra is able to accept and contain “all that is,” which means not only the opposite poles but everything in between the poles. In our Western society, however, most everything is regarded as either/or, and there’s not much in between. Nothing is more polarized than gender. Therefore, the Western mind reasons, if Tantra unites opposites, it must require “opposite” genders. As if there were such a thing as opposite genders! Gender is not two bins into one of which everyone must be dumped. It is more like a rainbow
spectrum along which everyone can find the particular shade of color that looks the best on them.

Some Tantric
asanas
(positions) and
mudras
(gestures) are designed to balance the male and female aspects of the partners in a Tantric ritual. In my experience, this can be done between any two partners. Everyone has some male/masculine/yang qualities, and everyone has some female/feminine/yin qualities. The proportions can change on a daily basis. Bringing them together and balancing them before making love is not an exercise about gender, but rather an act of inner balancing and centering that helps us open ourselves to deeper intimacy.

MYTH #3: TANTRA IS COUPLES THERAPY FOR WHITE, MIDDLE-AGED, MIDDLE-CLASS, APOLITICAL, WOO-WOO, NEW AGE WORKSHOP JUNKIES
. Tantra is practiced in a wide variety of styles by a wide variety of people. Contrary to popular notion, Tantra is primarily concerned with inner mystical experiences, not relationships. In the twentieth century, Tantra was reintroduced in the West by a few brave sex, gender, spiritual, and political radicals who ventured to India in search of an active spirituality that would embrace and empower everyone in all aspects of life, including the sexual and political. The practice of Tantra was once considered a supremely revolutionary act. It can be equally revolutionary today in the face of the current cultural rise of fundamentalist sex and gender politics.

MYTH #4: TANTRA AND BDSM DO NOT MIX
. Do you think Tantra and BDSM are about as opposite as you can get? Remember, Tantra is based in paradox. You can enhance your Tantric practice by borrowing not only conscious sex techniques but also sensation-producing devices from the world of BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism). Both Tantra and BDSM are erotic arts of consciousness. Both arts add intensity to life and sex. Both embrace a wide variety of powerful, consensual practices. Both Tantric and BDSM rituals are about raising erotic energy. Both practices involve conscious giving and receiving. Both encourage risks—be they physical or emotional. Both erotic arts encourage personal freedom, individuality, and imagination. (For more on Tantra and BDSM, see
chapter 19
.)

MYTH #5: THERE’S NO REAL FUCKING
. Trust me, you’ll get to fuck, whatever that might mean to you. You can fuck as much and as long as you want to. If you are a man, you may appreciate that you will be able to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating, which means you can fuck a lot longer.

But the fact is, sex is a lot more than fucking. Sexual energy exists well beyond your genitals. Tantric sex is a full-body/full-spirit experience. People who practice Tantra are less genitally focused. When your entire body is pulsing and vibrating with pleasure, you’re more likely to talk about the atoms in your body dancing to the rhythm of the universe than you are to describe the experience as a great fuck.

MYTH #6: IT TAKES TOO LONG
. What’s with those endless rituals? Well, it does take longer to create a gourmet meal than it does to microwave a frozen dinner. But you won’t have to quit your job or give up your gym membership to practice Tantra. It may mean that you have to turn off the TV. One of the payoffs of a Tantric life is that you will probably find that your priorities change toward more pleasurable and meaningful relationships and activities.

Not all Tantric experiences involve rituals—long or short. However, I will be encouraging the use of ritual in this book. Ritual has been given a really bad rap. Rituals simply focus energy. Your ritual might be simple or wildly elaborate. In Tantra, you can create both a ritual and a ritual space that suit your style—and your schedule.

MYTH #7: YOU HAVE TO STUDY FOR YEARS TO GET IT RIGHT
. There is no absolutely right way to do Tantra. More importantly, Tantra is not about being right. It’s about being happy.

Sometimes I think there are just two kinds of people in the world: those who want to be right and those who want to be happy. It is impossible to satisfy people who want to be right unless you give them exactly what they want, exactly the way they want it. On the other hand, it is very easy to satisfy people who want to be happy. They are flexible, open to new ideas, and they don’t have a fixed idea as to the way happiness “must” be achieved. The more creative the path to happiness, the better they like it. Does this sound like you now—or the way you would like to be? If so, you’ll love Tantra.

It is true that your Tantric practice will deepen the more you do it. Nevertheless, most people will feel something pleasurable and new right away. Drop your expectations. If you think that Tantra will immediately make you a sex god/dess or will instantly repair a neglected relationship, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Similarly, if you’re thinking, “This works for other people, but it won’t work for me,” you’re defeating yourself before you begin.