Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (45 page)

Sex Magic and Compulsive Sex

It is not the amount or type of sex someone has that determines sexually compulsive behavior, what the media is fond of calling “sex addiction”; rather, it’s the obsession with having sex at the expense of most everything else. People living with this compulsion describe their need for sex the way people addicted to physical substances describe their needs. They feel out of control, unable to stop, obsessed with an elusive physical high they believe comes from sex. Sexual compulsives don’t get high from the sex—they get high from the power. One woman described this as the power of getting someone to want her, to give her attention. It was about the chase, not the sex. The sex was the least of it—she said she felt empty afterward and wanted to get away as fast as she could. Sexual compulsives may even put themselves in real physical danger, because
surviving that danger increases their feeling of power and, therefore, the high; it’s an adrenaline rush. Not surprisingly, many sexual compulsives were sexually abused as children. They seek to restore the power that has been drained, blocked, or dragged down in their sexual energy centers by putting themselves in situations that make them feel powerful in relation to sex.

Sexual compulsion is often treated the way alcoholism or drug addiction is treated—by strict abstinence from sex. But sex is not like alcohol or drugs. It’s more like breath and food. According to Taoist philosophy, the triple generators of life are food, breath, and sex. So completely shutting down one’s sexuality during the recovery period is like saying, “I am powerless over food so I will never eat again” or “I caught a virus from breathing so I will never breathe again.” We need to make the distinction between sexual activity and sexual energy. Certainly, abstaining from some forms of sexual activity can be a healthy choice—in the case of sexual compulsives and in many other cases. But that does not mean shutting down our sexual energy.

The more conscious we become of our sexual power, the more we are able to use it as a force for healing, for loving, for creativity, and for right action. Tantra and sex magic offer us the opportunity for personal and planetary transformation. When we are conscious of ourselves as alive, loving, erotic beings, we walk in the world with a greater awareness. We are appreciative of everyone else’s alive, loving eroticism. We are more able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. We stop feeling so separate.

Sex Magic in the Workplace

Instead of less sex in the workplace, I think we need more. More conscious use of sexual energy, that is. Despite all the laws against sexual harassment in the workplace, it doesn’t seem to be going away. Why? Anything repressed will express itself in its darker form. So, a law saying “sexual expression of any kind is inappropriate in the workplace” sets up that workplace for rampant inappropriate displays of sexual expression. Instead of a ban on sexual expression, I’d like to see workplace seminars on the conscious use of sex in business.

Sex magic in the workplace does not involve intimate contact with the nearest sexually desirable person. My friend Marcy worked from home doing phone sales. Most of the people to whom she sold were men. She told me that whenever she sensed that a sale was slipping away, she would start doing Kegels as she continued her pitch. She reported that eighty to ninety percent of the time, the call turned around and she made the sale. Unwired sex magic strikes again!

Instead of repressing your sexuality in your workplace, how can you use your sexuality to help you accomplish your goals? Whether your workplace sex magic is wired or unwired, your conscious use of sexual energy will not only help you be more effective in your job, but it will also make your job a lot more pleasurable. On your way to work tomorrow, send some sex magic ahead of you. Do some circular breathing and start an erotic fantasy to get your sexual energy running. Kegel that energy up your body, out your heart center, and into your day. You can even imagine it landing on your boss’s desk and coming back to you in the form of a raise. A few moments of sex magic on your way to work can help make your highest hopes a reality. As Annie Sprinkle is fond of saying, “If you make love to the Universe, the Universe makes love to you.”

Sex Magic for World Peace, Part 1

Any Tantric ritual—solo, partner, or group—can become a healing ritual when it is performed on behalf of someone else, be they across the room, across town, or across the ocean. Years ago, Louise Hay taught me the technique of sending love to people and places that needed healing. As I learned more, I began sending orgasmic energy as well.

I dedicated orgasmic energy to ending apartheid in South Africa. I sent love and orgasms for years. Maybe the orgasms helped, maybe not. But every time I sent the people of South Africa an orgasm, I was reminded of the healing that was needed there. There is nothing like being erotically focused on something to make you more aware of it. I paid more attention to what was going on there; I sent money; I did whatever I could to support my sexual prayers.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could focus some of our excess sexual energy on healing the planet instead of focusing on personal romantic dramas that bring us pain? We each possess an unlimited amount of sexual energy. Each of us has enough to support a deeply intimate relationship plus enough to keep us healthy, happy, and whole. On top of that, we each have more than enough sexual energy left over to donate to the healing of someone else.

You have learned many ways to circulate sexual energy within yourself, with a partner, or throughout a group. Now let’s expand that. Pick one of your favorite Tantric techniques or visualizations. Pick a place in the world that could use some healing. Now adapt the exercise you chose so that you direct as much love and bliss to that place as you would normally give to yourself or to a partner. You can send your sexual energy to a country or to a group of people or to just one person in need of spiritual, emotional, or physical help.

Before you begin, state your intention. Make it as inclusive and as open as possible. For example, if I want to send sex magic/healing to the Tibetan people living in exile or under the yoke of Chinese dictatorship, I may not know what kind of healing is actually required. Instead of saying, “I dedicate my sexual energy to anything that gets the Chinese out of Tibet,” I would say, “I dedicate my sexual energy as a physical prayer for peace and healing for the people of Tibet. May this healing occur in whatever form is in the highest good for the people of Tibet and for all concerned.”

Don’t be afraid to ask for outside help. Call in spirit helpers on behalf of your beneficiary. Spirit helpers include gods, goddesses, angels, devas, fairies, and so on. Call both your own spirit helpers as well as those of your beneficiaries. Ask that your sexual energy join all the energy in the Universe that also desires healing for your person or country or situation.

Think universally, fuck locally!

After you have made your dedication, let go of it. Trust that your intention is manifesting at exactly the right time, in exactly the right place, and in exactly the perfect manner. You do not need to focus on it at every moment during your sex magic ritual. If you did, you wouldn’t be conscious and present in your ritual. Do what you would do in any Tantric ritual—focus on the sexual energy. I like to return to the thought of my dedication just before or just after the moment of orgasm. I like to visualize or feel my intention becoming manifest. This is my personal choice and may not be right for everyone.

Dedicating your orgasms to include a purpose beyond your own pleasure will remind you that your sexuality is a sacred and a powerful tool of transformation. You can dedicate your orgasms and/or sexual energy as a prayer for a wide variety of reasons, such as the following:

* You can ask for wisdom about work, school, or a relationship, or for help in making a decision.

* You can send orgasmic energy to help heal a friend’s illness, the AIDS crisis in Africa, your own depression, and so on.

* You can dedicate an orgasm to someone in gratitude for the help they gave you, to your parents on their anniversary, or to a world leader who is working on behalf of peace and justice. Better yet, dedicate an orgasm to a world leader you do
not
feel is doing the right thing.

* You can simply dedicate your orgasm to your own highest good and for the highest good of everyone on the planet.

Sex Magic for World Peace, Part 2

I practice a powerful meditation I learned from the Dalai Lama. It is a Tibetan Buddhist meditation called Tonglen. In Tonglen, you breathe in all the pain and suffering of the world and breathe out peace, prosperity, and happiness.

Breathe the suffering of the world into your heart and breathe out happiness, bliss for all beings
.

When you inhale, take upon yourself the suffering of other sentient beings. Then when you exhale, give your prosperity, your virtues, your happiness to all sentient beings
.

—His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Tonglen is a method for awakening the compassion inherent in all of us. The Dalai Lama points out that whatever suffering exists in the world comes from cherishing one’s own interest; whatever happiness exists comes from cherishing the welfare of others. Tonglen is a method for overcoming our fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart, both of which conditions arise from cherishing ourselves over others.

Tonglen can be a particularly powerful form of sex magic. Instead of breathing into and out of my heart, I breathe into my pussy and out my heart, or into my heart and out my pussy. I activate my Kundalini energy to connect with and help alleviate the suffering of all those who I feel are in great need of healing, especially those suffering from sexual abuse and sexual violence.

Tonglen is not some airy-fairy visualization. You really send your happiness out. You really take on the suffering of others. Tonglen is very powerful; you may want to start small. You could begin the practice by taking on the suffering of one person you know to be hurting—someone you wish to help. For example, if you know of a child who is hurting, you breathe in all the pain and fear of that child. On the wings of your outgoing breath, you send the child happiness, joy, or whatever might relieve their pain.

Once you’re comfortable with performing Tonglen for one person, increase the scope of your ritual. Perform your Tonglen for a family, a neighborhood, a region, a nation, a continent, and the planet itself, keeping in mind that you are quite literally breathing in the pain and suffering of people, not the abstract idea of pain and suffering. Move outward slowly and pick your suffering carefully, particularly if you are doing my sex magic variation on the practice.

Tonglen may seem peculiarly masochistic, but I assure you it doesn’t feel that way. Tonglen gives me a healthier perspective on the world. It makes me feel like I
am helping people in some small way and that makes me feel stronger, more capable, and more connected to all the beings on the planet.

Try it. Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us.

Sex and Death

You’ve probably heard or experienced for yourself that sexual arousal is one of the most common reactions to the death of a loved one. While many people feel ashamed of this reaction, from a Tantric perspective, the turn-on not only makes sense, it’s totally natural for two very good reasons:

* The body knows it needs a powerful release of tension and emotion, so it wants sex.

* Death and grief make us feel lost and disconnected. Sex makes us feel alive and brings us back home to our bodies.

When it comes to death, sex and orgasm do more than relieve grief and pain. Orgasm is often referred to as “the little death.” Similarly, death is sometimes called “the ultimate orgasm.” Earlier in this book, I detailed my experience of leaving my body and visiting my dead friends during my first Erotic Awakening Massage. That experience taught me like nothing else the depth of the connection between death and orgasm. Letting go as completely as we can in orgasm is as close as we can get to death without actually dying. In the afterglow of an orgasm, you get a taste of what it is like to have your soul temporarily released from the earth trance, which your mind experiences as reality.

Ram Dass, author, teacher, and longtime spiritual seeker, had a massive stroke in 1997. He is now exploring the spiritual landscape of aging and dying. He calls death “ripening into God.” His description of the meditations he is using to prepare for death sound very similar to what happens to us in orgasm:

When you deepen into a moment, you disappear—at least the solid “you” that you’re used to experiencing disappears. Everything around you—maybe it’s a palm tree, dripping water, cars honking, people racing past you—everything feels ecstatic when you free yourself into the moment. You recognize your interconnectedness, and all these things in a moment can become mystical doorways for the soul. In this state you can’t worry about the past or the future and you can’t worry about “me,” because you can no longer find a separate
“me.” In the moment we become free from the Ego’s desires and open to the Soul. We interrupt the Ego melodrama. The soap opera takes a break for a message from our sponsor: God.

The conscious use of orgasm to prepare for death may not answer questions like “What happens at the precise moment of death?” or “What happens after we die?” but I can tell you from personal experience that the conscious use of orgasm can alleviate much of our fear of death. At the risk of sounding macabre, I’ve come to love practicing death.

You need only be clear and committed in your intention to know something more of death. Given clarity of intention, you can perform a ritual/mediation with the consciousness you have developed thus far in Tantra. You are likely to have revealing, rewarding experiences. Keep in mind that the more sexual energy you raise, the more likely you are to have full, rich orgasmic experiences that leave you with the timeless, egoless, bodiless feeling of an after-death experience. Your practice of death is less about what you do than how you do it. You can use any and many Tantric techniques to raise this energy. The Erotic Awakening Massage ritual is a particularly effective path to this end. While you are designing your Erotic Awakening Massage ritual, keep the following principles in mind: