VEILED MIRROR (17 page)

His own need clamored for release, but he hung on until her muscles began to ease. Then he let go and rode the wave that broke over him, swamping his senses.

A
distant ringing somewhere in the house awakened Jason. Beth spooned close to him, with his urgent morning hard-on pressed against her rump. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to roll her over, kiss her awake, and slide into her. He would have done it too, but that damn ringing wouldn’t stop.

The phone. The ringing was the phone. He sat up and reached for his briefs. The ringing stopped.

“Good morning,” Beth said with a sleepy smile.

“Good morning.” He leaned over to kiss her but she turned her face away and he only grazed her cheek.

“You don’t want to do that,” she said.

“I don’t?” He nuzzled her neck. “I’m pretty sure I do, actually.”

“Morning breath,” she said, slipping out of bed and heading for the attached bath.

“You don’t … or do you mean me?” But she was already in the bathroom with the door shut.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat staring at the door. The dumb guy slowly subsided as his real brain struggled to life.

He’d done it again. Making love with Beth had seemed so right last night. She’d wanted him as much as he’d wanted her—but now it was morning, and in the clear light of day he could see that nothing had changed. He still had a dangerous job. She still needed stability, now more than ever. What she didn’t need was the added stress of wondering if he was going to be shot today.

But he couldn’t dump her on the morning after again. And if he were honest, he didn’t think he could do it, anyway. The grief he’d felt when he’d believed she’d died in the accident, the terror when he’d thought she’d drowned, had shredded his soul. Beth said she wanted their friendship back. He wanted that too, but he wasn’t good enough at lying to himself to pretend that was all he wanted. He was pretty sure he couldn’t go back to thinking of her as just a friend.

What am I going to do?

The short-term answer was that he was going to protect her from whatever maniac was trying to kill “Ellie.” He’d stick as close to her as a leotard on Catwoman.

And after that?

He had to be honest with her.
No more lies. No more half-truths.
She deserved better. Beth came out of the bathroom, her face ashen.

Jason went to her, wrapping her loosely in his arms. “What’s the matter?”

“I just realized: I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in days.”

Jason grinned. “Thank you. How is that a problem?”

“Ellie didn’t come to me. She’s been coming less frequently, and I …” She shuddered and turned her face from him. “Maybe she’s gone for good.”

He gently tipped her face back up to his. “She was with me last night. I don’t know anything about this stuff, but I don’t think she’s moved on yet. We haven’t caught the guy who did this. And she said coming to me was difficult for her. She’s probably just sleeping in.”

Beth gave a short surprised laugh. “You’re probably right. She didn’t show up for a while after talking to me in the mirror last time, either.”

“You mean that time I caught you arguing with yourself in the parlor, you were really talking to her?”

“Yeah. She can be a real nudge.”

She started to head for the clothing on the floor, but he snagged her before she could retrieve her discarded tee-shirt.

“It’s late, and Maria—”

“Maria already knows.” He gestured to the closed door. “We forgot to shut the door last night.”

“Oh no!” She looked at the now closed door.

He chuckled at her reaction. “I’ve never seen a woman blush all over like that.” He sat on the bed and guided her to stand between his spread knees, holding her close with his hands on her butt. She had a great ass, and he loved squeezing it.

She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed, but not with any real conviction. “We don’t have time for this. The memorial is at two, and people will be coming over for the wake afterward. We have to get ready.”

“Maria and I arranged everything. All you have to do is show up.” He kissed her belly, then said, “We need to talk.”

She stiffened in his arms. “You’re leaving after the funeral, aren’t you?” Her voice sounded dead. She tried to push away, but he held her in place.

“No. I’m not leaving. Not until we find Chris and Ellie’s killer.”

She softened under his hands. “I thought …” She bit her lip and wiped a tear off her cheek.

“You thought I was going to dump you again, like last time?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“Beth, I’m sorry I hurt you before. I thought it was best for you.” He was talking to her navel. It was easier than seeing the pain in her eyes. “You have to understand. I work undercover. Sometimes it’s dangerous. Hell, I got shot less than a month after I saw you! You told me you wanted stability and predictability after moving around all those years. I can’t give you that.”

“And so you left. You made the decision for me, and you left.” Beth pushed again, and this time he let her go. She stepped out of his reach and sat down next to him, not touching, and pulled the sheet across her lap.

Now he had no excuse not to look her in the eye, except he could smell the scent of sex on her, and he began to stiffen in response.
Not now
, he told his body, but it wasn’t listening. He shifted so he faced her and tried to keep his attention on the conversation. “I thought I should leave and let you get on with building the kind of life you said you wanted.”

Beth looked away from him, saying nothing.

“Nothing has changed,” he continued. “My job is still dangerous, and you’ve had more grief than any one person should have to bear. You shouldn’t have to worry about what might happen to me.”

“So you
are
dumping me. Again. Only this time you’re putting it off a few days.” She stood up and paced over to the window. “You’re right. Nothing
has
changed. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, part two. God, I am an idiot!”

The hard edge in her voice finally dampened his libido. “No, you’re not an idiot, and I am
not
dumping you.”

She turned and looked at him, doubt written across her face. “It sure sounds like it.”

“I admit, I don’t see how this will work between us. Cops have one of the highest divorce rates in the nation, and—”

“Who said anything about marriage?” She cut in, looking appalled.

Her expression stung, even if he hadn’t been suggesting that kind of commitment. “Well, nobody. I was just saying, to illustrate how difficult being with an agent can be.”

“Good.” She crossed her arms. “I don’t think it’s any secret that I like you, Jason. You’re very special to me. That’s why it hurt so much when you left. I thought our friendship didn’t matter to you.”

Jason swallowed hard. It had mattered. A lot. “I thought …”

“That I needed protecting. That you knew what was best for me.”

“Based on what you’d told me—”

“—And on you wanting to keep your secrets.” Beth shook her head. “Don’t do that again, please? I want to be able to trust you.”

She wants ‘to be able to’ trust me. That means she doesn’t trust me now.
The idea stabbed sharply even though she had every reason not to. “I want that, too.”

She pursed her lips and glanced at the clock on the bedside table. “Oh Lord, look at the time!” She scooped her clothes up off the floor and peeked out the door, then scurried down the hallway.

The room suddenly felt very empty.

Beth slipped into her
room without being seen, and leaned against the closed door. Her emotions were a jumble. Her heart beat rapidly and she felt giddy, elated, and terrified. She’d had the best sex of her life last night, and the best sleep she’d had in a week. And Jason wasn’t trying to run away again.

Not yet
, a cynical part of her whispered.
Wait until the murders are solved. Then see what he says. He’s FBI, after all. And Chris’s friend.
Now that he believed there really had been a murder, two murders, he’d want to make sure they were solved. He’d say whatever he had to, to stick around until then. And if he could get a little on the side at the same time, so much the better.

Beth buried her face in her clothes, feeling ashamed.
It’s not fair to think such things of him.
She’d swear he meant it when he said he wanted her to trust him.

He’s an undercover agent. Lying and keeping secrets are second nature to him.

Beth shook her head. That wasn’t fair. Jason hated fraud.

The worst part of it was, even if he was playing her, she didn’t want it to stop. Even though it was late, and she had things to do before the service, it had been all she could do not to jump him just now. She hadn’t been blind to his erection, and the lingering scent of last night’s love-making had been a promise of what she could have had again this morning.

Beth raised her head and dumped the clothes in the hamper, started the water running in the shower. She’d give him a chance. She’d meant what she’d said. The connection they had was a gift, and she wanted to keep it. Sleeping with him might not be the best way to preserve that, but they’d already crossed that line. There was no undoing it. Not that she wanted to. She’d enjoy it as long as it lasted.

She stepped into the shower, letting the warm spray stream over her head, soothing her tangled thoughts. She wanted to trust him again. She’d give him a chance. But she’d keep her eyes open. If she’d learned one thing from her childhood, it was that there was no such thing as permanence. Unfortunately, the illusion of it was very seductive, and sometimes she wasn’t sure if even false hope wasn’t better than no hope at all.

Jason and Beth arrived
early at the mortuary. He went over things one last time with the staff, then joined her in the chapel. She was standing next to the open casket.

He made himself look at Chris. The mortuary had done a great job with makeup, but the body lying there wasn’t his friend. The animation that had made him special and unique was gone.
I hate this.
Viewing this empty mannequin was worse than having a closed casket.

And yet.
I don’t think I would have believed he was really gone if I hadn’t seen him.
He stared, searching the face for a trace of his friend. It was so like Chris, but it wasn’t.

Beth took his hand, pulling his gaze to her. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m fine.”

Her look said she knew he was lying, but she just gave his hand a squeeze and pulled him to the back of the room, near the doors.

A few minutes later, people began to arrive.

Jason stood close to Beth as the various townsfolk drifted in to pay their respects but he didn’t touch her. He wished he could continue holding her hand or put an arm around her, but everyone still thought she was Ellie, and he knew he couldn’t make it look like a brotherly gesture. He wasn’t sure if it was her he wanted to comfort, or himself.

The room was so full of flowers that the sweet scent filled the mortuary chapel. By two o’clock the room was full. No relatives had shown up. The Pontifores hadn’t been very prolific, and Chris and Palmer were the last of the line. Palmer had been too busy preparing for his overseas missionary trip to come, so he’d sent his accountant, Bob Anderson, to convey his sympathies. But there was no lack of people who cared.
Chris made a lot of friends here.
Nearly the entire small town of Jimson Weed had turned out to honor their friend.

The only people I have connections to are in law enforcement
. They were good men and women, but it wasn’t a very diverse community.

Reverend Douglas indicated it was time to begin, and Jason sat next to Beth and Maria in the front pew. For the next twenty minutes they sang the selected hymns, and listened to the minister’s hope filled words of the afterlife.

I wonder what the good reverend would say if he knew that Ellie had been hanging around?
And then,
I wonder if she’s here?
Jason glanced around the room and was grateful not to see any mirrors.

When the minister finished, he invited those present to share their memories of Chris. A raw ache filled his chest as several people spoke, painting a picture of the man Jason had known since college, a man who was generous, playful, and kind. One man spoke of a time when he’d been out trail riding, and then had trouble getting his horse back into the horse-trailer by the side of the road. Chris was driving by, on his way to a fancy dinner somewhere, and had stopped to help, not caring if he got his suit dirty. “He didn’t think he was better than folks because of his money. He was regular people, and a good neighbor.”

Douglas looked to see if either he or “Ellie” wanted to speak. They both declined with a shake of the head. Jason knew that Beth had no stories she could tell, and he was
not
going to bare his raw grief to these people. He’d kept it under control so far, he wasn’t going to lose it now. But he couldn’t stop the montage of memories that flashed through his mind. Chris laughing, a perfect golden boy flirting with the girls on the beach; scarfing pizza and beer in college; late night philosophy discussions when they were both full of shit; Chris arranging a “scholarship” for a mutual friend whose parents had died suddenly.

All of that goodness gone.
Jason bowed his head as tears filled his eyes and grief choked his throat. His hands fisted on his thighs. Anger was easier.
I’ll get the bastard who did this, Chris. I swear.

Douglas closed the service with a prayer.

Afterward, the mourners filed out, shaking the pastor’s hand and hugging “Ellie” as they left. When they’d all gone, Beth sat down again, slumping in the chair. “I’m exhausted,” she said. “And we’re not even done yet. There’s still the wake to get through.”

Beth had decided against a graveside ceremony. Instead, Chris’s friends would soon reassemble at Chris and Ellie’s ranch. Maria had already left to oversee the final preparations.

Jason sat down next to her. “I know.”

“Pretty soon well have to do this all over again, for Ellie.”

“All in good time. You don’t have to say goodbye to her just yet,” he murmured, taking her hand the way he’d wanted to all afternoon.