Vicious Circles (14 page)

“Let’s go meet your friends now,” I said in a hurried voice.
 

“What?” He snapped his head in my direction and looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. “Fallyn, they can wait another day, come on.”
 

“We’re not going to do anything but go back to my place and sit around the table. Maybe we should get out and spend some time with your friends.” My stomach was doing flips. I had seen the group of guys before in passing, but I’d never actually spoken to any of them. I didn’t know what had come over me but Mason seemed to like it.
 

He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed the top of it lightly. “We’ll go meet the guys then. You’re right.”
 

I stopped the car at a random gas station and switched seats with Mason. He drove us back to the place I’d just picked him up from and parked outside. We sat silently for a moment. Mason was excited I wanted to meet his friends and I was nervous. They didn’t know the Fallyn who was homeless and broken. They would only know the Fallyn who was an actor and was broken. The latter was far worse than the first.
 

“They’ll love you,” Mason reassured me as we left the safety of my car and climbed a flight of stairs.
 

I stood behind him when we reached the door. I could hear laughing and just plain noise coming from inside as Mason turned the handle and led me in slowly. A chorus of voices welcomed him back but all attention went to me. I waved slightly and mumbled a hello. Mason pointed out everyone, named them and I was greeted with a hug each time.
 

“It’s nice to meet you,
finally
.” The tall one named Dave was his best friend and the roommate I’d always avoided like the plague.
 

I smiled. “It’s nice to meet you all.”
 

Dave threw an arm around Mason. “I’m so proud of you man…an actual girlfriend. I can’t
fucking believe it.”
 

I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. Meeting his friends wasn’t the big ordeal I’d made it out to be and they accepted me like I had been around for years. We stayed late in the day, just sitting around and talking. Dave had plenty of funny stories to tell me about Mason
which was endearing and saddening all in one. I envied them mostly. I’d never had anything close to what Mason and Dave had until Lynn and still I felt like there was a part of myself that no one should ever know. The part that felt small and inconsiderate, the part that told me I couldn’t function without popping pills.
 

We left around dinner time after a round of hugs and goodbyes. Mason was in a state of euphoria the entire way back to my apartment.
 

“I told you they would love you,” he said smugly.
 

“Yes, you’re always right. Aren’t you
special.”
 

He squeezed my thigh. “I detect a hint of sarcasm. Dave really likes you. He pulled me aside and told me so.” His eyes glittered in the street lights as we passed them.
 

“That’s good. That means you have to keep me around.”
 

“I wasn’t planning on letting you go anyway.” He smiled at me and it made me want to cry. He was beautiful, sitting in the driver’s seat of my car with his messy hair and faded t-shirt.

***

There were those moments when Mason scared me a little. He was a perfectionist and did everything to its fullest, on his terms of course. I rarely saw the side of him that worried me which was just a-OK with me. It was raining and it just never rained in LA. He’d been working on an independent movie for a few weeks and it was almost as if the character he was portraying had started to eat away at him a bit. He showed up at my place, far too intoxicated to walk straight.
 

He was sitting on the top step with his hands threaded through his hair when I opened the door. I realized we wouldn’t have a good night when I sat down next to him.
 

“I just want to sit here.” He didn’t bother to look at me.
 

“Then why were you just banging on my door like a maniac?”
 

“I’ll come in eventually. You can go in.”
 

I wanted to punch him in his face when he acted like an asshole. “Mason, you are just obliterated. Why would you get so wasted when you know you have to work tomorrow?” I leaned down to try and see his face.
 

He turned suddenly and scared the shit out of me. His eyes were bloodshot and the look on his face was not pleasant. “Get off my fucking back, Fallyn! I just said I would be in soon.”
His reaction didn’t shock me really. I’d seen him in that state once before. “Fine asshole. Sit out here by yourself.” I stood and walked back into my apartment. He wouldn’t last long outside, alone. He didn’t like to be alone when he drank that much.
 

Mason was not an alcoholic and he didn’t drink all the time but sometimes, his mind got to him and he thought too much. The other guys weren’t much help because they all drank as a group and no one had the balls besides Dave to tell Mason he’d had enough. Then again, it didn’t matter. Mason didn’t listen to anyone.
 

“I did something,” he said, finally coming inside. “I don’t know why.”
 

My heart skipped a beat. “What are you talking about? Come on, I made you some coffee.” I took his hand and helped him to the kitchen table.
 

“I kissed another woman.”
 

I froze, one hand on the coffee pot, one hand gripping the counter for dear life. My chest started to rise and fall quickly as my breathing sped up. The chair scraped the floor and I heard the uneven thuds of his boots as he made his way to me. His hands gripped either hip too tightly. The smell of whiskey and whatever else he’d
drank followed him.
 

“Don’t touch me,” I warned him softly.
 

“I’m sorry baby…so sorry. It just happened.”
 

The only thing I could do was cry. So many things crossed my mind, like hitting him, kicking him or throwing him out but I couldn’t do any of them. My head fell forward as I sobbed. I’d put so much hope and trust in the fact that Mason loved me completely. How could that be true if he’d kissed some other girl?
 

“Baby,” he pressed his forehead against the back of my neck, “I love you. Please say something.”
 

The terror and raw emotion in his voice killed me. He regretted it, I could tell. Still, it didn’t take away the hole he’d just punched in my chest. “Get out, Mason.”
 

“Please don’t,” he begged.
 

I found the courage to turn and face him. His eyes were full of regret and tears. “Get out.” I moved from his grip and ran to the bedroom locking myself in.
 

He did leave sometime after I’d left him in the kitchen. The front door had slammed, shaking the picture on the wall he’d bought for me. If I had ever understood the metaphor of the bleeding girl it was at that moment. I was her, curled on my bedroom floor, crying.
 

Chapter 14

My world had imploded in a matter of minutes and I had no idea why. I had lain on the carpet for longer than I cared to admit, although the imprint of the individual strands totally gave me away. There was a sharp pain in my chest. I managed to pry myself off the polyester and
climb  into the shower, but I cried just the same in the bathroom. The change of scenery didn’t help me at all. I had a sick feeling in my stomach from the constant sobs and lack of nutrition. Rather than eat, I popped a couple Percocet and hoped for darkness. I would just sleep until Mason came back and made everything right again.
 

What if he doesn’t come back?
 

I grimaced as the thought crossed my mind. Maybe I wasn’t good enough…maybe that’s why he let some other girl kiss him. The thoughts just wouldn’t stop and I felt sick once again. I dove into bed, my hair still wet and there I stayed. My cell phone began to sound off an hour later. It was constant, between calls and text messages. After the noise registered in my brain I felt around the bed side table until I found the phone and pressed it to my ear.
 

“Hello?” I sounded half conscious-half dead.
 

“Fallyn…don’t hang up.” Mason pleaded in a strained voice.
 

I didn’t hang up; it was almost physically impossible. The tears in his voice were screaming he’d done something ignorant that he regretted. That wasn’t even really the problem I was having. It was more that I felt less adequate than before, almost as if I wasn’t good enough for him. I loved him and I was beginning to think I could let the shit in my past go…until he did what he did.
 

“You don’t have to talk to me. Just hear me out.” He paused and when I didn’t hang up or respond, he continued. “I’m a fuck up OK? I told you I would mess this up and I didn’t think we would be…us. I’m screwing this up-“
 

“Mason,” I cut him off, “why did you do it?”
 

He sighed. “I don’t know baby…”
 

The pet name he’d given me left his lips so easily and it made my heart beat faster. My head was throbbing and I could feel the tears rising again, slowly. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what I was going to say.
 

“I need some time.”
 

“Don’t lock yourself away, Fallyn. I know you. This isn’t your fault; it has nothing to do with you. It’s me. I’m the asshole here, OK?”
 

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Mason.” I flipped the phone closed and let it fall to the floor.
 

The thud echoed in my silent room and at that moment I felt alone. It didn’t matter what I did or who I did it with, I would always feel like the only person who could shoulder the past I’d been stuck with. Mason dulled the ache for the longest time but it always reared its ugly head sooner or later. Then, when I’d discovered the wonderful feeling the Percocet gave me, the idea of being a normal functioning human being didn’t seem so unreachable. The pain of not being good enough for him had eclipsed the pain of him letting some
skank put her lips on his.
 

I closed my eyes and welcomed any kind of rest. I had hidden away in my bedroom for almost twenty four hours and I could continue to hide there until I was due to work again. At least, I thought that was the case. Before I could fully become one with my bed someone knocked on my front door. I wanted to open it but the fact that it could be Mason terrified me. I wasn’t ready to face him yet. When I got a text from Lynn, demanding I open the door, it was obvious he wasn’t ready to face me either.
 

“I’m coming, hold on,” I called out on my way to the door.
 

“You look like shit,” Lynn said with an understanding look as I pulled it open and she walked past me into the apartment. “Mason called and told me what happened. I’m sorry honey.” She grabbed me and hugged me tight.
 

“I can’t believe he told you. It’s not like him to admit he’s an ass.” I smoothed my wild hair from my face and collapsed on the couch.