Wait for Me (27 page)

“Elizabeth and I got married right after we graduated – we were together throughout college. When we moved to New York, I started an investment firm in real estate with my old friend, Tom, and Elizabeth came to work with us. She was an architect. Everything was going well. We had plenty of work, the money was coming in and we had a good life. We didn't want for anything. And, it was something I hadn't foreseen; hadn't even imagined. We'd all been friends for such a long time. And, maybe I was too busy with work to notice. Anyway, Elizabeth told me she was pregnant. It was the best news of my life. And it was perfect… with her it was always perfect. We never had fights, just perfect harmony.”

Then why is everything with me so goddamn difficult, I thought, slightly resentful.

“Then one day I caught them. Just imagine seeing your wife, seven months pregnant, having sex with your supposed best friend. Turned out it had been going on for years – since before we were even married. I can't tell you the shock, especially when she turned around and said she didn't want to separate.”

My eyes widened. I wasn't sure I had understood correctly.

“She justified it by saying that she only saw Tom because she liked having sex with him; that it was just a sexual attraction and I was the man she loved.”

He turned slowly towards me. “Do you believe that's possible?” he asked.

I looked down. Was he really asking me?

“Do you think it is possible to be with someone, love them, but feel no sexual attraction?”

“No, I don't think so.” I stroked his face and kissed him.

“Anyway, I left and gave my share of the company to the two of them. I just wanted out.”

“And… the baby?” I whispered.

“It was a month after we separated. There were complications and she died before the baby was born. Obviously, I felt like it was my fault somehow, and that feeling stayed with me for a long time.”

In all that I had suffered, I had never known pain like this. I couldn't speak. I just lay still, nestled in his arms.

“Ever since then, I wanted nothing to do with love, and the rest is pretty obvious,” he finished. “Sophie, I would have told you sooner or later—”

“Adam, I understand,” I said. “And I will stay with Sabrina and Steph when you go away – whatever you need.”

He took my face in his hands. “I trust you Sophie, I really do, I promise.”

“I know, and I understand. It all makes so much more sense now.”

“And I love you,” he stressed, lifting my chin. “Sophie, look at me… I love you.”

I nodded and buried my face into his neck. I couldn't bear to look at him, not just for the pain I was feeling, but also because I had come to realize that our relationship contained more than just the two of us. There were four – him, me, the ghost and the best friend. So long as he kept himself chained to the past, it could never work between us. All that he was – his obsessions, his fears, his needs, were all bound to a single point in time. We had nothing to ourselves.

“What's wrong?” he asked, stroking my hair. “Tell me what you're thinking.”

I choked on my words.

“What is it? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.”

He kissed my head and took me in his arms.

“I'm sorry… please talk to me, is it because I was married? Are you worried that what I'm feeling for you is something less? Because I assure you it's not. You're the only one, my angel… my butterfly.”

I turned cold and took his face in my hands.

“But, Adam,” I said. “You realize that there are still four people in this relationship?”

He looked at me, puzzled.

“You, me, Elizabeth and Tom,” I said.

“That's not true,” he corrected bitterly.

“Yes, it is, and I was completely unaware. I was trying to fix something that wasn't mine to fix. I put my own problems aside for you.”

“It's not the same.”

“Look, I'm not trying to compare scars. What happened to you, no one should have to go through that, but if I'd brought my own wreckage, you wouldn't have even been able to touch me. Do you see what I'm getting at?”

He sprang to his feet.

“Not so fast.” I leapt out of bed to block his path. “This is what you do – you close down and walk away.”

“Sophie, I just opened up and told you something that's incredibly painful for me.”

“Yeah, just in time as well, but what now? What do you want me to do? Pity you? Tell you how sorry I feel? That you don't need to be afraid any more? That you can off load your fears onto me? Your obsessions and your control problems?”

He stared at me, lost.

“What can I do? Being with you is already a trial in itself, it really is. How am I supposed to feel now? Should I be happy that you told me?”

“Sophie, I'm starting to get mad,” he said, shifting me to one side.

“Get mad all you want, but until you decide to face your past and try to deal with it, I can't be a part of this.”

I paced into the closet, dressed quickly and threw my meager pile of clothes into a laundry bag.

“Where are you going?” asked Adam in the doorway.

“I have to go, I feel like we're surrounded by people that I don't even know.”

“Stop.” he said blocking the door. “Sophie, stop, please. Help me figure out what the fuck is going on here!” Yelling now. He put his hands to his face and took a deep breath. “I'm going out of my mind,” he muttered.

“Maybe that's how it's always been,” I said, pushing past him.

Adam grabbed my waist and dragged me onto his lap, sitting on the bench at the entrance to the closet. “Sophie, please, let's just take a minute to calm down, I don't want you to go. I'll do anything to help you understand, but please, work with me.”

I tried to calm down.

“There we go… please… relax. Breathe deeply and let's just sit quietly for ten minutes. Then we can talk about your theory.”

“It's not a theory,” I growled.

“What did I just say? I don't talk and neither do you.”

Ten minutes really did go by before he gave me a smile. I returned it and hugged him.

“What was that? A jealousy seizure?” he whispered.

“Maybe.”

“That was rough,” he said.

“I'm sorry. But there's some truth to it Adam, you know that, right?”

He sighed and kissed me on the lips.

“I guess it's possible. I know I've brought you into my problems – problems that I kept inside for a long time. I'm sorry for doing that, but I promise I won't hurt you again.”

“You say that now, but what if tomorrow there's a misunderstanding? Something that makes it all come flooding back? Do you remember the night of my brother's birthday?”

“I trust you.”

“It's going to take more than that, Adam.”

“What can I do?”

“Have you thought about therapy?”

He closed his eyes and sighed again. “I haven't, no.”

“Will you think about it?”

Struggling to smile, “I'll think about it, but right now I think we should just go to bed, and you should put your escape bag away – somewhere I can't see it.”

I dropped the bag on the floor and, hand in hand, we returned to bed. Holding each other tightly, we spent a few minutes quietly looking at one another.

“Just for the record, you already know all of my friends, and the ones you haven't met are gay.”

He landed another kiss on my lips.

“I won't make any new ones – I'll keep my head down until you get back.”

“You're a lunatic.”

A moment later, the alarm sounded and Adam had to get up for work. I fell asleep the second he closed the door.

At 11 a.m. the housekeeper arrived and I was relegated to the kitchen. Leaning against the counter and sipping my coffee, I went over everything that happened last night – Adam's words and what it all meant for us. I felt his pain so profoundly. I called him.

“Hello.”

“I'm awake.”

“Is Carmen there?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“I'll be home early, I'm so tired. I have a couple of meetings but I'll be home by three. I can't stay here all day.”

“Don't worry about picking me up from work. Relax and I'll get a cab, okay?”

A moment of silence.

“I won't even speak to the driver, I'll write the address on a piece of paper.”

“That's better,” he said.

“Alright, I'll see you tonight, and Adam… I wanted to tell you how much I can't wait to make love to you, but, above all, that I love you.”

It was the first time I had said it. A long silence followed.

“I just wanted you to know.”

“I'll see you tonight,” he answered.

“See you tonight.”

I spent the afternoon yawning and discussing Sabrina's ideas for Steph's surprise birthday party next Friday. I told her that I would be around anyway because I was spending the week there. I told her how Adam wanted her to take care of me in his absence. She was pleased and, somehow, surprised.

After my shift I took a cab, but instead of going straight home I stopped by Frank's restaurant. I wanted to surprise Adam with his favorite lasagna. I was sitting at the counter, scrolling through my phone when Tom suddenly appeared.

“Hello Sophie,” he said, inches away from me.

“Hey Tom, how are you? What a surprise.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I'm just here with some of the guys from work, you want to join us?”

“That's alright, I'm just waiting for some lasagna to take away, is David here too?”

“No, he went straight home. Can I buy you a drink whilst you wait?”

“Yeah, why not,” I said.

I immediately heard Adam's words about me socializing on every corner. The bartender made two cocktails and Tom took the seat beside me.

“So, how's it going at the bookstore?”

“Same old, same old, red and blue wrapping paper and cardboard boxes. We're pretty quiet during the holidays – the big new releases aren't due until September. What about you?”

“Yeah, all good. We just took on a big job renovating a building on Fifth Avenue so it'll be a tough few months. I was actually going to call you – next Thursday
Sigur Rós
are playing in the city and I wondered if you wanted to come?”

Better not, I thought, after last night.

“Oh, I can't, I'm sorry. I have something on that night.”

“Ah, alright,” he replied, genuinely disappointed. “Maybe some other time—”

The lasagna landed on the counter. I finished my cocktail and said goodbye.

Back home, I found Adam in bed. Without making a sound, I crept under the sheets and woke him with a kiss. A moment later, I was underneath him.

“I've been waiting for hours,” he said, kissing me hard.

“You were asleep.”

“Still counts,” then, with a shade of suspicion added, “you're late.”

“I went to get lasagna from Frank's.”

“Mmm lasagna,” as he unbuttoned my shirt and left a trail of kisses on my neck. “Very nice.” Seconds later, we were overcome by lust and the previous night trickled away.

On the morning of his departure, Adam escorted me to my second home and left me in the capable hands of Sabrina and Steph.

In my room, I felt a little lost and alone, but I had a thousand things to do. I took the day off work to set up for Steph's party, and Steven, with a keen eye for the ornate, helped me to decorate the apartment. Just before 9 p.m., a flood of people invaded. In dark silence, we waited for Sabrina to arrive with Steph, and only then did the party erupt into blaring rock music.

Unfortunately, the assigned role of organizing the party also incorporated hosting the party. Steven and I relayed from corner to corner, collecting glasses, refilling beers and preparing cocktails, many of which ended up in my empty stomach. In the middle of the
fiesta
, half cut, I evacuated to the balcony for fresh air. Sitting on the swinging bench, I texted Adam to keep him updated on the party. Much to my surprise, Tom appeared again.

“Great party,” he said, taking a seat beside me.

“Where did you come from?” I said, in amazement.

“Every time I tried to approach you, you shot off to collect more glasses.”

“Yeah, it's definitely time for a break.”

I read a message from Adam and typed a quick reply.

“You know when we had dinner at David's and you asked me my favorite P.J. Harvey song? Well, I thought about it.”

“Which is it?”

“
To Bring You My Love
, no question.”

I let out a tipsy laugh and started to sing the parts that I remembered:

I was born in the desert
I've been down for years
Jesus, come closer
I think my time is near
And I've travelled all over
Dry earth and floods
Hell and high water
To bring you my love
To bring you my love…

“That's the one,” he said, laughing. He drew closer to me and I gave him a troubled look. His hand touched my neck and I instantly backed away.

“Tom, I'm with somebody,” I said.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I saw that you were here alone tonight,” he said and looked around.

“He's working away.”

“Oh right, I'm sorry again,” he said, visibly embarrassed.

“It's okay, don't worry.”

“How long?” he asked.

“Couple of months.”

“I'm really sorry again – I had no idea. David told me you'd just finished with somebody when we had dinner that time.”

“Yeah, it's the same guy, but we gave it another go.”

“Ah right, is it an on/off kind of thing?”

“I guess.”

“And right now?”

“It's on.” Forever, I thought.