Wait for Me (36 page)

“You're pregnant?” he repeated as the color drained from his face. “My sister noticed.” He took a step towards me.

I took two steps back.

“Oh, Arturo, he's—” I heard Mildred start over the phone.

I nervously closed the call.

“How far along?” he asked, visibly upset.

“Quite far, Adam.” I couldn't look at him, and it was impossible to guess what was running through that twisted mind of his.

“How far, Sophie?” he asked bitterly.

“A few months,” I stammered, then lowered my eyes to the ground.

“Who's the father?” he asked.

What the hell of a kind of question was that? The fact that it might be his hadn't entered his mind. He hadn't even asked. He really assumed that it belonged to somebody else.

“Miraculous conception,” I scoffed. “I'm sorry, I have to get home. I really need the bathroom. I lied – I do live in that house. You just caught me off guard.”

I left him motionless, like an ice sculpture, and set off again. Adam's sister and her husband were still on the porch, shivering. I didn't want to let them in so I tried to avoid eye contact. As I put the key into the lock, Susan approached me.

“May we come in?” she asked.

“I'd rather you didn't tonight. Please don't take it personally, I'm just tired.”

Susan touched my back lightly. “Let us come in, Sophie, if only for a few minutes. My brother will need a little time to process.”

I smiled and agreed. I invited them to take a seat then hurried to my bedroom to find the biggest sweater that I owned. After that, I finally went to the bathroom to empty my bladder, which had given me no respite since the pregnancy began. When I returned to the lounge, Susan and Donald were scanning through the book of baby names that had slipped out of its gift bag. I grabbed the bag and hid it behind the door, then down the side of the refrigerator, feeling exposed and defenseless.

“How far along are you?” Susan asked. “About four months?”

“Thereabouts,” I said.

“I'm a neonatal surgeon, I have an eye for it,” she smiled. “Do you know the sex?”

“Female,” I replied shortly.

This time Donald smiled. “More girls for the Scott family,” he said.

“We have two daughters – three and five – Meredith and Amber,” Susan added.

I stared at the ultrasound, attached to the fridge. I wanted them to go. I wanted them all to leave me alone.

“There are some lovely names here.”

“Do you have any in mind?” asked Donald.

“For the moment I like Leia.”

“Ah beautiful, like the princess,” Susan commented. “Sit down, Sophie. In your condition these emotions will be especially exhausting.”

“I'm not sick,” I snapped. “And I'm more comfortable standing.”

“I understand.”

After a few minutes, the door opened and we were joined by a ghost that vaguely resembled Adam. He sat down beside his sister, silent and staring.

“It's a girl,” she whispered, excited.

Adam looked up at me, sending a crashing wave of guilt.

“Is it mine?” he asked, agitated. His sister squeezed his hand to tranquilize him. “Is it mine, Sophie?” he repeated with a calmer tone.

I could not make a sound.

“Sophie, I asked you whether it's mine.” His tone sharpened again.

Startled and afraid, I mirrored his demeanor. “Yes of course it's yours, but I don't want anything from you.”

He stared at me in disbelief. “What does that mean? What were you planning on doing? Giving birth without telling me? Leaving me in the dark and raising her alone? What the hell were you thinking?” He sprang from his chair.

“Adam,” his sister scolded. “Calm down.”

He wearily collapsed back into his chair, put his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. I could have died of shame, guilt, fear – everything. I wanted to cry, but my anger at his reaction held the tears at bay. If I had made it to his office that day, almost four months ago, there was no chance that I would be here now, with Leia growing inside me.

“Sophie,” said Susan, addressing me like a child. “Why didn't you say anything to Adam?”

Adam continued to rub his face, trying to control himself.

“Because—” I mumbled, hesitating. “Because he wouldn't have believed that it was his—” I whispered.

Adam lowered his hands, put them on his knees and laughed bitterly.

“I would have believed it,” he muttered. “You haven't been with anybody else, have you? I would have believed—”

Susan and Donald stood up. “We're going for a walk on the promenade.”

“It's really cold out,” I said. I did not want to be alone with him. Adam glared at me. Unsettled, I walked them to the door and he followed.

“We'll see you soon,” said Donald, lightly gripping my arm.

Susan planted a kiss on Adam's cheek and stroked his face. “Merry Christmas, brother.”

The door closed and I stood still, staring at the handle, trying to find the courage to turn and face this deferred discussion. It was just like the day I discovered my pregnancy – I felt small and vulnerable. Adam's hand slid across my back, stirring a dormant sensation.

“This is what you were coming to tell me at the office in September?” he asked gently. I nodded and leaned my forehead against the doorframe, struggling for breath.

“I'm not asking anything of you, nothing at all. I'm not asking you to do this with me. I'm the last thing you need right now.”

“Yet you need me more than ever right now.”

“I'll manage.”

“I know you will, but it's better if I'm here. Sophie, turn round.” He tried to take my hand but I pulled away.

“If I can't have you… if I can't make you happy, then I'd rather not be near you.”

He put the lightest pressure on my shoulder and persuaded me to look at him.

“That day you came to the office,” he said. “I saw you leave and I followed you. I was right behind you for two whole blocks before I let it go. I realized that if I wasn't prepared to get help, then you would only suffer my mistakes over and over.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and I was immersed in the memories of his hands on me.

“I left New York and went back to Philadelphia. I talked to my family. I told them everything, then did the same with Elizabeth's family too. I've spent the last few months in a recovery center. I only got back a few days ago… I'm getting better—”

“Well done, Adam,” I muttered.

“Sophie, I would have come back for you eventually. I wanted to be ready – capable of love and honesty.”

I leaned against his chest and he held me tightly.

“How long is eventually?”

I heard him laugh. He kissed my hair and squeezed me harder. “Not long. Mildred was asking about you earlier tonight. I told her we'd be back for oysters soon enough.”

“I can't eat oysters at the minute,” I muttered.

He lifted my chin to look me in the eye.

“And what if I was with somebody else?”

Adam took my face in his hands and stared at me tenderly. “Impossible. You told me that you'd wait. I was counting on it.”

I buried my face into his neck, intoxicating myself with his scent. “How many women have you been with in the meantime?”

“Only one, and all I thought about was you, always and only you.”

I held him tighter and my tears rolled onto his shirt.

“It's the hormones,” I sniffed. “I cry for everything.”

Adam lowered his hand to touch my hidden belly.

“So, a baby girl?”

“Yeah.”

“What else?”

“She's healthy, the right size and a strong heartbeat. You can already see her hands, feet and eyes.”

“You have an ultrasound?” he asked.

“They're on the fridge.”

We went to the kitchen and Adam looked at them carefully. I had never seen his expression so serene. And I had never been so attracted to him than in that moment.

“They're in order, see the dates? This one is from two days ago.” I pointed at the final photograph.

“Beautiful,” he muttered. “Can I see?” he asked, touching a crease on my sweater.

A little embarrassed, I took it off, showing my belly beneath a tight t-shirt.

Adam sat down, took my hands and pulled me close to him. He stared at my belly for a long time and then gently lifted the t-shirt to uncover it. He rested his forehead and both of his hands on my skin. I felt his warm breath become labored and uneven. I stroked his head. We stayed like this for a long time.

“I want to call her Leia,” I said, after a while.

I felt a short laugh. “I like it,” he said, looking up at me. “Leia Scott, it's beautiful,” he added. The warmth in his eyes could have melted an iceberg.

I pulled my shirt down, sat on his lap and held him tightly. After what felt like an eternity, his lips returned to mine and erased every bygone nightmare.

I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait. You know that I'll wait. Can you hear me? I'll wait, Adam.

“Breathe, Sophie, please… breathe.”

You're so far away. Your face is pale with fear. I can't breathe.

“Someone call an ambulance, please!”

I'll wait, I'll wait, you know I'll wait. I'll wait forever.

“Sophie, Sophie, stay with me, look at me.”

Oh I'm looking at you Adam. I'll never stop looking at you. Remember the first time I told you that you were beautiful? You ran like hell. You were afraid. I was even more afraid.

“The ambulance is coming. You're going to be okay.”

I'm sorry. I hate to see you like this. I wish I could smile for you, take away your fear, but I'm trying to keep breathing.

“Please, please give me that towel.”

Please, my darling, look at me, find my eyes. I want this final moment to be perfect. I don't think I'm going to survive this time. I'm slipping away. This is how it goes. Look at me, please, closer. I have so many things to say, but one that matters the most. Look at me.

“Sophie, the ambulance is here. Hold on.”

You have cold hands my darling. I've never felt them so cold.

“Please Sophie… please. Please don't leave me, not now, please stay with me”.

Keep going, Adam. Can you hear me? Keep going.

“I don't want to keep going. I want you here with me. Breathe, Sophie, that's all you need to do… just keep breathing. Never stop breathing, please help her, she's pregnant—”

“Eight months.”

“She's been shot.”

“I don't know, maybe four rounds. It all happened so fast, I can't remember. Please help her, please, I'm begging you, she's pregnant. Oh my god… Sophie—”

I can't see you any more. I can't hear you. It's curiously warm though, like summer in the ocean, only quieter. The tide is out and the silence is unbroken by the waves.

*

“Why are you crying Sophie? Did you hurt yourself?”

“Fred nipped me.”

“Where? Let me see.”

“There.”

“It's nothing my treasure. I'll blow away the pain, like magic. Close your eyes and count to three.”

“One… two… three.”

“Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

“You see, Sophie? It's the magic breath.”

“Do you have magic powers, Daddy?”

“Of course I do.”

Your laughter… Dad…

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too, kiddo. Now, let's count again, together this time—”

“One… two… three.”

“Dad?”

“Sophie, sweetheart.” Adam's voice.

“Dad?”

“Fred, she's saying Dad.”

“Mom, calm down, she's just waking up, be quiet.”

“Darling, we're all here, open your eyes, do you want to see us?”

“Yes.”

“Just a little further… count to three with me.”

“One… two… three.”

*

The first person I see is my brother at the end of the bed, my mother crying beside him. He smiles.

“I saw Dad. Fred… I saw Dad,” I mumble.

“You saw Dad?” he asks, nodding, with tears in his eyes.

“He had magic powers,” I mumble again.

Fred begins to laugh and cry with the purest joy. He hugs my hysterical mother.

“The magic breath?”

“Yeah, that's the one.”

*

Adam's hand is anchored to mine, his other caresses my hair.

Slowly, I find his eyes.

“You survived.”

“Like always.”

“You're amazing.”

*

It's hard to keep my eyes open. I feel his lips on mine.

*

“Sophie, we have to go, the doctors are coming in. I'll be back soon… you'll wait for me won't you?”

“Always.”

*

*

On the April 23
^rd
at 10 a.m., the tragedy finally ended. Leia Scott was born, barely five pounds in weight. Beautiful like her father, I thought. Beautiful like her mother, he thought. My own mother gave me a fluorescent baby outfit to match the hat, and Fred gave me the first peaceful look I had received in years. Sabrina and Steph proclaimed themselves her aunties, and Mrs Bradford her adopted grandmother. Elizabeth's parents came to visit us at the hospital, to offer their congratulations. This was an important moment for Adam; it closed the seal on any lingering demons.

Tom was arrested and tried for attempted murder. He did not resist when they found him. He wasn't even hiding – he was sitting on a bench not far from the house in Long Island. I preferred to take civil action, and requested that he be admitted into psychiatric care – the only thing that could really help him.