Wallbanger (30 page)

“Oh! That reminds me, I have something for you,” he exclaimed, rummaging in his bag, which was on top. He handed me a lumpy package, wrapped in brown paper.

“What’s this?” I asked, as he blushed deeply. Simon does blush? I rarely saw that…

“You didn’t think I forgot this, did you?” he replied, his hair falling into his eyes a little as he smiled a boyish smile. “I was going to give it to you last night, but then—”

“Hey, Parker! Could use a little help over here!” Neil called as he struggled to load all of Sophia’s luggage. Yesterday, this would have been Ryan’s job. Now it was Neil’s. Yesterday. How the world had changed in one day.

He backed away from me as Mimi and Ryan got themselves settled in the backseat.

I opened the package to find a very thick, very soft Irish sweater. I lifted it out of the paper, feeling the weight and the nubbly texture of the weave. I pressed it against my nose, inhaling the scent of wool and unmistakable Simon that clung to it. I grinned into the sweater, then quickly slipped it over my T-shirt, admiring the way it hung loose and low, yet still wrapped me in a comforting way. I turned to see Simon watching me from over at Neil’s truck. He smiled as I twirled for him.

“Thank you,” I mouthed.

“You’re welcome,” he mouthed back.

I gave my sweater a long, deep sniff, hoping no one noticed.

Chapter Fourteen

I
NSIDE
A B
LACK
R
ANGE
R
OVER
on the way back to San Francisco…

Caroline
: Okay, I can do this…It’s only a few hours back into the city. I can be the bigger person here. I can act like he didn’t pull an all stop at the thought of seeing my tatas last night—and what the hell? What man says no to tatas? I mean, they’re nice tatas. They were pushed up nice and tight, and they were wet, for Christ’s sake…Why didn’t he want my tatas? Caroline, just settle down…Just smile at him and act like everything is fine. Wait, he’s looking over here. Smile! Okay, he smiled back…Stupid tata turner-downer…I mean, what’s up with that? And he was hard!

...

Simon
: She’s smiling at me…I can smile back at her, right? I mean, we’re acting natural, right? Okay, done. I hope that looked more natural than it felt. Jesus, who knew a giant sweater would look so good on a girl…But everything looks pretty good on Caroline—especially that green bikini. Did I really turn her down last night? God, it would have been so easy to just…But then I couldn’t.
Why couldn’t I???
Jesus, Simon. Well, we were drunk…Correction, she was drunk. Would she have regretted it? She might have. Couldn’t risk it? Might have been a bit of a disaster…Or was it the girls? I shouldn’t do that to the girls either. But it’s not even really working so well with the girls these days, now is it? Huh, I didn’t think about them once this weekend…because I couldn’t stop thinking about Caroline. She’s looking at me again…What the hell are we going to talk about the whole way back to the city? Ryan isn’t even paying attention. Bastard. I told him he needed to help me out…He’s helping himself to a handful of Mimi. I’m almost sorry Caroline and I worked so hard to push them together. Hmm…Caroline and I…Caroline and me in a hot tub where bikinis are outlawed…Jesus, wait a minute—yep, now I’ve got a semi…

...

Caroline
: Why is he twitching like that? Jesus, does he have to pee? Maybe I have to pee. Maybe this would be a good time to suggest a pee break…Then I can grab Mimi and make sure she knows the reason they’re riding with us is not so they can suck face the whole way, but to run interference for me with Scared of Tatas over there. Okay, just ask him to pull over at the next gas station. Wow, he really does have to pee, I guess. I hope this gas station has Gardetto’s.

...

Simon
: Thank God she wanted to stop. Now I can adjust without looking like a pervert…oh, who am I kidding? I am a pervert. I’m riding in a car with a woman who was straddling me last night and just the thought of it makes me hard. Pervert, pervert, pervert. I hope this gas station has Gardetto’s.

...

Mimi
: Ooh! We’re stopping! I hope this gas station has bubble gum!

...

Ryan
: Oh, man, we’re stopping already? We’re not going to make it back to the city before dark. Mimi wants me to see her place, and I’m really hoping that means walk around naked and let me watch…I hope this gas station has condoms.

...

Caroline
: Okay, you could have handled that a little better. Mimi suggesting you and Simon split the big bag of Gardetto’s was not that big of a deal. Am I a little sensitive today? Yes, I suppose I am…But I know for a fact that Simon was checking out my ass as I walked away from the car. Why the hell is he checking out my ass now? Last night he didn’t even want to peek under my bikini. Is he really that complicated? Why the hell is he looking at me? He’s reaching his hand out. Stay still, Caroline, stay still…Oh, sesame seed on my chin. Well, if you weren’t looking at my mouth, Mr. Mixed Messages, you wouldn’t even have noticed it. You will never get this sesame seed now, buddy. Damn! Why does this sweater have to smell so good? I hope he hasn’t noticed me sniffing this sweater the whole way.

...

Simon
: She’s really sniffly today. I hope she isn’t catching a cold. We spent so much time outside this weekend…I would hate for her to come down with something. She just sniffled again. Should I offer her a Kleenex?

...

Mimi
: Busted, Caroline. I totally knew you were sniffing that sweater.

...

Ryan
: I wonder if Mimi has any more of that bubble gum? I hope she didn’t notice me buying those condoms. I mean, I don’t want to be presumptuous. But I definitely want to be under her again sometime very, very soon. Who knew someone so tiny could be so loud…and now I’m hard.

...

Mimi
: Ryan Hall…Mimi Reyes Hall…Mimi Hall…Mimi Reyes-Hall…

...

Caroline:
Okay, Caroline, time to have that difficult conversation—with yourself. Why exactly did you throw yourself at Simon last night? Was it the wine? Was it the music? The voodoo? Was it the combination of all those things? Okay, okay, no more bullshit. I did it because…because…Fuck, I need some more Gardetto’s.

...

Simon
: She’s so pretty. I mean, there’s pretty and then there’s pretty…What a pussy I am. Fuck pretty—she’s beautiful…pussy…And she smells good…pussy…Why do some girls just smell better? Some girls smell like flowery, fruity bullshit. I mean, why would some girls want to smell like a mango? Why should a girl smell like a mango? Maybe if I think the word mango enough I won’t think about pussy anymore. Caroline…mango…Caroline…pussy…
God!
And now I’m hard…

...

Caroline
: He looks like he needs to pee again…He’s drinking too much coffee. He’s had like six cups already from that thermos. That’s funny…He never has a second cup at home. Why the hell do I know how many cups of coffee he drinks? Face it, Caroline, you know so much about him because…because…

...

Ryan
: Dude, we’re stopping again? We are never gonna make it home. My boy is having some serious issues today…I should probably see if he wants to get a beer or something when we get back—in case he wants to come clean about what really happened last night. Should I offer? Wow, Mimi looks fantastic in those pants…I wonder if she’s buying more bubble gum.

...

Mimi
: Stop sniffing your sweater, Caroline! Seriously, girl. If I could just get her alone…Okay, Simon seems to be hobbling toward the men’s room. I can get her alone by the beef jerky.

...

Caroline
: Ugh…I can’t believe Mimi knew I was sniffing the sweater. I wonder if Simon noticed.

...

Simon
: She seems better…She’s not sniffling any more.

...

Mimi
: I need to text Sophia. She needs to know the Simon/Caroline situation is not getting any better. What the hell are we gonna do with these two? I mean, seriously…sometimes people just can’t see what’s right in front of them. Aawww…Ryan wants me to scratch his back. I adore him…And damn, are his fingers long…

...

Ryan
: Mmmm…back…scratch…back…scratch…Mmmm…

...

Caroline
: Okay, no more avoiding it in your own head, Reynolds. And now I’m serious because I’m using my last name. Now listen up, Reynolds…Heeheehee…I sound like such a badass!

...

Simon
: So…she’s giggling? Inside joke, she says. So maybe she is okay with how this is going—oops, grabbed the wrong bag of Gardetto’s. Did she just growl at me?

...

Caroline
: Turn my tatas down and then try to steal my Gardetto’s? I don’t
think
so, buddy. Okay, Reynolds, no more giggling. You can’t avoid this forever, even in your own mind. Here are the questions on deck: 1. Why did you throw yourself at Simon last night? And you’re not allowed to blame alcohol or music or vacation vibes or Nerves or Heart or anything. 2. Why did he turn you down? If he didn’t want to go there, why has he been flirting with you for weeks, and not just in the neighborly way? He’s got a harem, for God’s sake. He’s not a Puritan. Agh!! 3. Does being rejected by Simon have anything to do with the date you agreed to with James? 4. How the hell do Simon and I go back to being just friends when we know what the inside of each other’s mouths taste like? And his tastes very, very, very good. Okay, yes. You can sniff the sweater one more time—just don’t let anyone see you.

...

Simon
: I have to figure this shit out with Caroline. She’s so great, and I mean so great…Has there ever been a woman who’s possessed every single quality I’ve been looking for? Except for Natalie Portman, of course. But Caroline? I have to stop watching so much Lifetime—I mean what guy in his own mind even thinks in sentences like: “Has there ever been a woman who’s possessed every single quality I’ve been looking for?” Wait, have I been looking for that woman? No, I haven’t. I don’t have time for that, space for that—and my girls don’t want the picket fence. They keep away the picket fencers. Caroline says she isn’t a picket fencer…Katie found her picket fence, and I’m happy for her. When’s the last time I even talked to Nadia or Lizzie? Maybe they’re not right for me anymore. I don’t want them the way I might want…could want Caroline. You’re such a pussy, Parker…Jesus, Caroline—she’s a fucking keeper…Wait a minute. What the hell? Are you really entertaining the idea of a…gulp…relationship? And why the fuck did I actually think the word “gulp”? That was a little dramatic, Parker. Come on, think about this…If I recall correctly, you invited her to Spain! Don’t run away from it. Dude, did she just sniff her sweater?

...

Ryan
: Mmmm…my girl likes beef jerky—could I be any luckier? She scratches my back and eats beef jerky. I have died and gone somewhere like heaven.

...

Mimi
: I can’t believe he ate all my beef jerky. What a jerky. Heehee.

...

Caroline
: Question 1 is too hard. I can’t start with that one. I’ll answer them in reverse order. 4. I don’t know if we can be friends, but I really want to be—and not in the fake way. I really like Simon, and even though what happened last night sucked major balls, I think we can figure this out…And I would like to have some of whatever I’m smoking. 3. OF COURSE I AGREED TO GO OUT WITH JAMES BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED WITH SIMON! It’s funny how that shows up in all caps even in my head. 2. If I knew why he turned me down, I’d be a fucking genius. Bad breath? No. Because I was drunk? Possibly…But if it’s because we were drunk that’s the worst timing for chivalry in the history of the universe. He did keep saying “I can’t” and that it was a “mistake.” Now, mistake perhaps. But might have been worth it…Maybe he was just being faithful to his harem? Which in an odd way is quite sweet. I know he really does care about them. Dammit, he’s even great when it comes to them! But I know “I can’t” wasn’t accurate. “Can’t” implies some kind of erectile dysfunction. And I felt that junk on my thigh. Sigh. Sigh for thigh. This sweater is doing things to my head. Sniff…

...

Simon
: She just sniffed it again—why does she keep doing that? When I wore it I didn’t notice it smelling like anything other than wool. Girls are weird…weirdly wonderful…Pussy…Caroline’s pussy…Aaand I’m hard. Why the hell am I even pretending I’m not totally and completely over the moon for this girl? And it has nothing to do with her pussy…and now I’m harder.

...

Caroline
: Stop trying to get out of answering this question. Face it head on! Why did you throw yourself at Simon, forgetting about the friendship and the harem and the O drought and all of the very good reasons you had for staying away from him and his banger voodoo??? Come on, Caroline. Suck it up and say it. What was it he said when you asked him why he kissed you that night you met? “Because I had to.” Jesus, even in my head he sounds amazing saying that…There’s your answer, Caroline: because you had to. And now you have to figure this shit out. I kissed him, and he kissed me because we had to. And the choices we made were ours and ours alone…And the fact that he stopped it and said he couldn’t? Even after all the ridiculous weeks of flirting? After he invited me to Spain? Motherfucking Spain! And I want to go to motherfucking Spa—wait, do I want to go to Spain with him? Argh! Spain Schmain. Anyway, he better have a damn good reason because I am a fucking catch—O or no O—I am a fucking catch. Yeah, you are, Reynolds. Weird how you flip back and forth between first and third person during your inner monologues, though…Thank Christ, the Bay Bridge! Enough introspection…