Watch Me Walk Away (10 page)

To say I’ll miss you seems redundant. I’ve been missing you for years. People have called me heartless and they’re right. My heart resides with you and the only time I feel anything is when I’m in your presence. My greatest hope is that someday you will give me your heart again so I can finally feel complete.

You don’t have to open the gift now but I need you to have it. When you are sure about me, when you are ready to love and trust me again I ask that you wear it. It is a symbol of my commitment to you and seeing it on you will be the happiest day of my life. Once you see it I know you will understand. I found it two years ago and I just couldn’t let it sit in my drawer when I knew it belonged with you. I hope you don’t feel like I’m pushing you, I am just excited that you said we can try.

I will call you when I land. I can’t wait to hear your voice. I plan on keeping you on the phone for hours just so I can hear you talk. I want to be the last thing you think about before you close those gorgeous brown eyes. You are that to me, the first and last thing I think about every day, always.

I will speak with you soon. Open the box take care of your ankle and think of me.

I miss you,

Bobby

I close the letter and look at the items still in the box. I wrap my ankle and break the core of the ice pack to get it cold. Turning so I can lay my foot across the seat I lean my head against the back seat and I can smell him. I close my eyes and picture him here, holding me and stroking my hair. I feel content. When was the last time I felt that? The small wrapped box is under my leg and I pick it up. I may not know exactly what it looks like but I know what it is. A single diamond on a chain. He always said he was going to get me one for our first anniversary and add another each year we were together.

I know I’m not ready to wear it. I still don’t trust him enough not to hurt me. Do I want to look at it? When we first discussed it years ago he said he would have to start small because he couldn’t afford much but hopefully each diamond would get bigger with every passing year. The way he spoke about it made me think we would be together forever which is why it hurt so much when he left me. I remember being scared when he first told me he wanted to do this. I was only sixteen at the time and with my parent’s divorce I didn’t really believe in forever. I almost broke up with him it scared me so much. My father had repeatedly cheated on my mother and I didn’t think a man could be faithful to a woman. He assured me that I was the only one he wanted and all I would have to do is touch the necklace to find the proof of his commitment. I want to believe it is possible. I want to feel secure in a love but is Bobby the right one for that? The intense pull of him clouds my mind and heart. Is it really love or will it burn bright and fade away? Do I have the courage to try? I close my eyes and just breathe in the scent of him. I decide not to open the box until later. Maybe after a large glass of wine. Maybe after I have spoken to Bobby, oh I can’t wait to talk to him and hear his voice. We used to have all night conversations on the phone. Of course some of them were really hot too, maybe we need to reinstitute those conversations.

I fall asleep and Arthur wakes me as we are pulling into the driveway. He opens the door for me and helps me out. I still have the gift in my hand but I forget my bag and Arthur reaches in to get it for me. As he hands it to me he says, “If you give me your keys I will go get your car.”

He surprises me, “No how will you get this car back then? I will have Jodi drive me over later to get it.”

“I told Mr. Harber I would take care of it and you wouldn’t want me to get in trouble for not completing my job would you?” He puts his hand out and I put my keys into it. “I will be back soon.” And he walks away.

I go into the house. Jodi and John are in the kitchen and call out for me to join them. I limp in and they both want to know what happened. I sit down and put the gift on the table. Jodi zeros in on it, “From Stuart?”

I shake my head, “Bobby. We went to lunch and when he saw me limp in he had his car drive me home so I wouldn’t have to walk. This along with the ace bandage, ice pack, water and a bottle of Tylenol were waiting for me when I got in.” I turn the box round and round.

“Well are you going to open it?” John asks. Jodi looks like she wants to grab it from me to see what is inside.

I ignore the question and pull out the letter, “This was also in the box.”

Jodi’s hand reaches across the table motioning for me to hand it to her, “I want to read it.”

John’s mouth is wide open as he looks at her. “That’s probably very personal.”

“I know it is, but if I am going to have to deal with the fall out I want to know what he is telling her.” She glares at him.

“Why does there have to be fallout? What if this time we make it?” I ask. “Do you really think he’s going to hurt me again?” My shoulders fall. I can feel the tears pooling in my eyes, “I don’t know if I can tell him no.”

John grabs my hand, “You deserve to be happy and if you think Bobby can make you happy then I say go for it.” He glares at Jodi, “I never told you but I went to see him that New Year’s Day. He was devastated. He wanted to go see you and I stopped him. I saw you when you came back and saw you and Brad. I thought you had finally had enough and decided to give Brad a chance. I didn’t want Bobby to mess that up if you could move on. I didn’t realize ‘til later that Brad was just getting you through it. I’m sorry. Bobby would call me occasionally asking if you were okay and if you were happy. I lied to him and said you were fine that you had moved on.”

The tears fall. “Why is it that everyone else knew that he still wanted me but me?” I stand up and throw the letter at Jodi. “Let me know if you think he will hurt me again after you read that.” I grab the present and storm into my room and throw myself on my bed.

It feels like the whole world is in between me and Bobby. I understand why Bobby did what he did. I don’t like it and I wish he had been honest with me. What I don’t understand is how all my so called friends could lie to me and to him. Would it have made a difference if he had come to see me the next day? Would it have made a difference if he knew how my heart had shattered and I was living like a zombie? Do we stand a chance after so much time?

Jodi comes in and sits down on the bed with me, “I’m sorry. I never should have said anything.” She moves my hair away from my face. “I want you to be happy. I always have. I didn’t know that he was calling John. I would have told you. If you want to try again I will give you all the support I can. I know you still love him but he is not the same person who left. He came back changed. He doesn’t speak with any of us much and when he does it’s like he doesn’t feel anything. He is very robotic”

“He told me that people call him heartless now. He said that he is because I have his heart and the only time he feels anything is when I am near. How can I not want to be with him when he tells me that? I don’t see the person you just described to me. If anything when he is with me all I feel are emotions pouring off of him. Read his letter and then tell me if he seems like a robot. It’s like he can’t stop himself from telling me what he feels. Like a dam has opened up and maybe it has if you say he’s been emotionless. I need to try with him I know that. The same thing that’s happening to him is happening to me. He makes me feel alive. He makes me want.” I look at her pleading her to understand.

She hugs me, “Just go slow. I am just worried about you but if he can make you happy then go for it.”

I sit up, “I was going to wait to open this but I think we both need to see it.”

“You don’t think it’s a ring do you?” she settles on my bed cross legged.

“No I know what it is. Remember what he said he was giving me for our first anniversary?” I start to unwrap it.

“I forgot all about that! Hurry up now I want to see what a rock he got you!” she is practically jumping now.

The box is blue. Tiffany’s damn even if its small this had to have cost him. I close my eyes and open the box. I can feel Jodi move to get a look at it, “Wow! It’s beautiful”

I open my eyes. Nestled in the box is a sapphire on a platinum chain. The stone is the color of Bobby’s eyes. It would be like wearing a part of him. Like just wearing it would make me his or maybe make him mine. I just stare at it. It is so much more than I was expecting. I reach out a finger to touch it. I want to put it on to see what it looks like around my neck.

Jodi takes the box from my hand and starts to take it out. “You have to try it on” she says.

“I can’t. Not yet. When I put it on there is no going back. I’m not ready yet,” I look at her.

“Just see what it looks like.” She is unclasping it and holding it out for me to put my neck in. I move forward and she closes the clasp behind my head then takes my hair out. I reach my hand up, the stone falls right below my neck.

“Stunning,” Jodi says.

I get off the bed and go over to my mirror. I look at myself and she’s right, stunning. I want to keep it on but I know I can’t. Not yet. “Can you take it off please?” I ask her. She comes up behind me and I move my long hair out of her way.

“You know you could wear it for a few days since he’s going to be away. Just get used to it.” Her hands are on the clasp but she hasn’t opened it yet.

“No the next time I wear it I will have Bobby put it on me,” I say looking at her reflection.

John walks in before she can get it undone. “Wow is that what was in the box? It’s gorgeous and it looks great on you.”

Jodi takes it off me and hands it to me. “He out did himself with this. She won’t wear it yet though.”

“Too soon?” he asks. I nod my head. “Well your phone has been going off for the last few minutes. I would say someone wants to know if you like it.” He hands me my cell. He takes Jodi’s hand and starts to leave, “He is a good guy, Lisa.”

I look at my phone as I make my way back to the bed. I missed two calls and a text message.
Where are you?

I lay on my bed. What am I going to say to him? I look at the necklace in my hand. It’s too much too soon. I should have left it wrapped and opened it with him when I knew that I could give him my trust and my heart. My hand is shaking making the necklace bob. The sapphire catches the light and I can see the integral facets. So many different angles and it reminds me that everything is so complicated right now. I am still officially with Stuart. I don’t plan on breaking up with him until after Saturday. As if he can feel me thinking about him my phone rings and I see Stuart’s picture pop up. I answer it. “Hi.”

“How was your day? You must have been busy. You didn’t even answer my email.”

“I’m sorry. I had a small accident on the way to work and it threw me off the rest of the day.”

“What happened?” He is concerned. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“It’s not a big deal. I just broke a heel running up the stairs on the subway and twisted my ankle.” I don’t tell him that I was pushed. I just make light of the whole thing. “I’ve been limping around all day and when I did sit at my desk I was just resting it. I left early so I could get home and just lay down with it propped up.”

“You should wrap and ice it. And you shouldn’t take the train tomorrow it’s too much walking. You should drive your car in tomorrow.” I can’t stand him being this nice to me. I am going to break up with him and he is going to be pissed.

“I found a ride in for tomorrow so you don’t have to worry. Can I call you later? Jodi is making dinner and it should be ready in a few minutes,” I lie.

“Yes, but you will call right? You have a habit of saying you’re going to call and then you don’t.” I wonder if he feels me pulling away.

“I promise to call before I go to bed.” Maybe.

“Alright then I will talk to you later. Make sure you keep that ankle up.” This is killing me.

“Bye,” I hang up before he can say anything else. I am such a bitch! I should just break up with him now but I can’t do it on the phone. Ugh when did my life become so fucked up!

I put my phone down so I can put the necklace back in its box. I almost have it in when my phone rings again. This time it’s Bobby. Deep breath….

“Hey, handsome,” I answer like I did when we were in high school.

“Hey, beautiful. Where were you?” he sounds anxious.

“Stuart called me and I couldn’t get him off the phone. He was concerned about my ankle.” I hear him sigh.

“When did you say you were breaking up with him?” he is tense I can hear it.

“After the fundraiser on Saturday. I’m not planning on seeing him until then so that will be the first time I will get the chance,” not really true. If I wanted to I could see him after work one day this week and do it then but it is just easier this way.

“Well I hope you won’t be staying with him on Saturday. You could come back to my place. Sleep in the guest room. Then I can take you home in the morning or we could spend the day out on my boat.” He sounds hopeful.

“Let’s just play it by ear.” I change the subject. “Thank you for the care package in the car.”

“This discussion is not over but I will let it slide for now. You are welcome. I assume you read the letter and opened the gift as well?” he is almost hesitant about asking.

“Yes I read your letter and the necklace is beautiful. I’m not ready to wear it yet though,” I cringe as I say it.

“I understand that. I just want you to have it so when you’re ready you can put it on.”

“When I’m ready you can put it on me.” I say to him. I hear his breath catch.

“I would like that. I didn’t think you would ever see it. It’s been sitting in my drawer staring up at me for so long I had almost given up hope.” He sighs.

“We’ve wasted a lot of time being apart. Totally your fault you know.” I give him a little laugh.

“You’re never going to let that go are you?” he says.

“No probably not. I will remind you for the next twenty years.” I laugh a little harder this time.

“Only twenty? I was thinking more like fifty or sixty. Or maybe you will only hold it over me for twenty?” he chuckles.