Watch Over Me (19 page)

‘No, it sounds good. Great, actually. A teacher would be ideal.’

‘Exactly. Emma could speak to Maisie’s teacher so that she could keep up with her classmates and not miss out on a whole year.’

‘And where is Emma based?’

‘London, like me. Come down to meet her – you can stay with us. Or we’ll come up and see you, if you like. My husband can’t wait to see Glen Avich. I told him it’s just beautiful.’

‘I don’t mind. We can drive down, or if you want a wee break, come and stay with me.’

‘No, it’s three people, maybe four because my sister, Emma’s mum, would love to come up, too. We’ll check in at the Green Hat. Goodness, so much to discuss … I’m so pleased you’ve said yes. As soon as you give us the green light with Maisie’s arrangement, I’ll contact the Australian side of the deal.’

‘Ok. Thanks, Emily. Just email me or phone when you’re coming up.’

‘I will. I’ll speak to you soon. Oh, and Jamie …’

‘Yes?’

‘You’ve made the right decision.’

‘Yes. Thank you. Bye.’

Had I?

Emily had mentioned Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, maybe New Zealand, too. Places I’d never thought I’d see, places I’d never thought Maisie would see at such a young age. She’ll learn so much.

Emily had also said we should ideally have everything ready by March. Less than four months away. It all seemed so sudden. Christmas was three weeks away and then March would come before we knew it. I had to tell Maisie. Knowing her, she’d be delighted. She’s not a timorous child at all, I knew she’d take it all in her stride. The only thing was, she and Eilidh had grown so close …

I had to tell Eilidh. And of course, I had to tell Shona. But in a wee bit, after the shock of her unexpected pregnancy subsided.

I wondered how Eilidh was going to take it. On the other hand, I didn’t even know if Eilidh would be here when we came back. I knew that she was thinking of going back just after Christmas, then she’d told me she’d stay at least until next spring. Clearly, she didn’t want to go back to Southport, but who knows?

The fire was dying; the TV screen was flickering. There was a warmth in the air that night, like an Indian summer. My living room seemed a bit alien, a bit strange, as if things had somehow moved around, switched places. Like everything had changed slightly.

Soon, my home would be a hotel, a different one every couple of months. Goodness. Me, going on
tour
? I’m just a blacksmith, not a popstar or something. Life
is
unpredictable.

I wasn’t sure if I was really excited or really terrified. A mixture of both. I finished my glass of sparkling water with lemon, switched the TV off and headed upstairs.

And then, it happened. The curtains at the far end of the room flickered as I went.

When it first started happening, as I realised it wasn’t my cat Mischa doing it – she’d still be out for her nightly hunting – it freaked me out, my heart always skipped a beat and the hair at the back of my neck stood on end. But it happened so often – not every night, but nearly – that it didn’t scare me anymore. I’d come to expect it. A wee flicker, the way curtains quiver and flow a bit when someone walks beside them …

Mine is a very old house and a lot of people were here before us. There’s a long, long line of people behind each and every one of us. If there’s a trace of them left, it would not surprise me, it would not frighten me.

I walked upstairs, brushed Maisie’s forehead with my lips, gently touched her blonde hair, and made sure she was warm and cosy under her white duvet with the wee lilac stars. Like every night, I marvelled at her sweetness, at her innocence as she slept, and I thought about how lucky I was that God, or life, or whatever power there is, had sent her to me. I got into my bed, cold, big and empty, and like every night, in spite of my best efforts, Eilidh’s face came floating in front of me, behind my closed eyes.

He’s going.

He’s going and I know I won’t be here when they come back. There’s only so much I can do, there’s only so long I can resist before I’m pulled away, before my soul is called back, made new and sent to the wheel of life again.

I know I’ll never see my darling son again. My beloved Maisie.

I won’t stop him. I must let him go. If things with Eilidh are not working out the way I hoped, the way he hoped … still, he’s living his life. He stopped drinking alone, he started opening up. He’s alive again. Eilidh did work a miracle, though not the way I thought she would.

Who knows what’ll happen when he’s in Australia. He might meet someone. He might stay. Who knows. I won’t be there to see. But I have to trust that he’ll be ok, and that Shona will be ok with her fourth child – it’s another girl. I’ll hold on until she gives birth, I’ll be there to bless my new granddaughter.

And then, I’ll go. I hope, I hope with all my heart, that I can come back to Scotland. More than anything, I hope that when I’m someone else, Scotland will still be my home.

Eilidh was right about the mummy mafia. They
were
scary. At the dance classes, I got very, very quiet and Eilidh just smiled and said nothing. They seemed to have a uniform: tight jeans, black jackets, flat shoes in different animal prints, huge bags and huge wedding rings. And they all seemed to drive enormous jeeps. The classes were expensive, the equipment was expensive, the costumes for the shows – three each – were extortionate, and therefore only a ‘certain kind of people’ could take their daughters there.

The wee girls seemed a nice bunch, though, and they were funny and cute in their wee pink ballerina costumes. Maisie, of course, was the prettiest. She’d put her arms up gracefully, practice going up on her toes, cock her head on one side and smile, and I was bursting with pride. Eilidh did her hair in a bun on top of her head, kept in place by a knitted pink … thing. Not sure what it’s called. Tea cosy for hair, really. Peggy knitted it. Maisie was the first one to have it, then they all followed suit, mobilizing grannies and great-aunts to knit one for them.

There was one boy in the class too, looking mutinous as he was made to jump about in tights. He clearly hated it, but his mum had no daughters and she wanted to be part of the golden mummy circle, so he had to be there. Poor wee guy, I overheard him once saying to his mum that all his friends go to tae-kwondo on a Saturday morning, but he was blanked. They did taekwon-do just next door, so the girls in pink mix in the foyer with the – mainly – boys in white. The boy in tights would chat to his friends and look longingly at their costumes, clearly dying to join them.

It made me wonder if I’d ever have a son.

For the third Saturday in a row, Eilidh and I were watching Maisie from the sidelines, trying to keep ourselves to ourselves, but it wasn’t to be.

‘Hiii, Jamie!’

Keira’s mum. Quick, hide.

‘Listen, I was wondering, why don’t you come up for lunch next Sunday?’ she asked, looking straight at me and ignoring Eilidh.

She had very long, very red nails.

‘I can’t, sorry, I’m very busy these days and I’ll be working at the weekend, too.’

‘Oh. Well, maybe we can look after Maisie for you, and you can collect her and stay for dinner?’

‘It’s so kind of you to offer, but my sister will come down more often, she and Eilidh will manage between them.’

‘It must be hard for you, without any help,’ she whispered sympathetically. I could see Eilidh’s eyes narrowing, her cheeks getting redder.

‘Eilidh is a great help,’ I said, smiling and gesturing to her.

‘It must be hard,’ she reiterated. ‘Well, maybe another time?’ she said, still without acknowledging Eilidh.

‘No, I don’t think so.’

Shit. Did I just say that aloud?

Eilidh looked flabbergasted. So did Paula. She shot me a surprised look, said something about being in a rush and left.

‘Very diplomatic,’ Eilidh said, eyes wide with surprise, but her lips curling into a reluctant smile.

I was mortified. ‘I shouldn’t have said that … It just came
out
… Keira is her best friend …’

‘Actually, Maisie is cooling it off. She says Keira is always bossing her and gets into trouble with the teacher a lot. And she’s not nice to Ben.’

‘Who’s this Ben?’

‘Oh, here we go, the jealous dad!’ Eilidh teased me. ‘Her new best friend. He’s lovely. A really nice boy. He does tae-kwon-do in the afternoon.’

‘Do you think Maisie might want to switch to tae-kwon-do?’

‘Not in a million years. It’s all the pink gear, you see. And the hair accessories, they clinch the deal. God, I can’t believe what you said to that woman!’

‘Neither can I, to be honest. She deserved it though, blanking you like that.’

The girls were dismissed and ran towards us, clumsy and sweet and funny the way wee girls are, like a gaggle of pink ducklings.

‘Well done! You were great. Right baby, come on, I’ll help you change,’ said Eilidh, hugging Maisie briefly. They seemed so close … I’ve got to tell Eilidh about our plans.

‘Can I treat you both to lunch?’ I asked, as they came out of the changing rooms, Maisie back in her civvies – denim dungarees – her long hair loose on her shoulders.

‘Yes! Can we go to the red restaurant?’

The red restaurant is a carvery between Glen Avich and Kinnear. Maisie loves it.

‘Is that ok for you?’ I asked Eilidh.

‘I’m not sure … Maybe I should go back, Peggy will be on her own.’

‘Well, I was hoping to … I was hoping to chat to you about something. Tell you both at the same time …’

‘Sounds serious!’ She laughed but she looked a bit worried.

‘No, no, it’s nothing bad, just something I need to tell both of you. Well,
ask
Maisie, really. Because if she doesn’t want to …’

‘Want what?’ Maisie piped in. I looked at Eilidh.

‘Ok. Ok, I’m coming, let’s go.’

After a lovely lunch, which I didn’t enjoy for nerves, we got to the pudding. Chocolate cake for the girls, a coffee for me.

‘So … thing is, I’ve been asked to go and work in Australia for a bit. It’s a country far, far away, across the sea,’ I added, for Maisie’s benefit, ‘and I’d like to go. For a few months only, then we’ll come back.’

Deep breath.

‘Can I come with you, Daddy?’ Maisie looked nonplussed.

‘Of course, of course, darling. You’ll come with me and we’ll travel around together, and a teacher will come with us so you don’t miss out on schoolwork. You’ll see lots of amazing places.’

‘Ok,’ she said, before putting a big morsel of cake into her mouth.

‘It’ll be great. We’ll stay in really nice hotels and it’ll be a great adventure!’ I said, a bit over enthusiastically.

‘Ok, Daddy,’ she repeated, shrugging her shoulders.

Oh well. That was easy.

Then came the hard bit.

‘I wanted to tell you together because … well, Maisie deserved to know first, you know, being her who’s going, but then she would have told you and I wanted to be the one …’

‘That’s great, Jamie, really. Such a wonderful opportunity.’

‘Yes, it is an opportunity … and we’ll only be away for a few months.’

‘So when are you going?’ she asked, looking into her cake.

‘This spring. March.’

‘So soon?’ she gasped but composed herself. I knew she’d miss Maisie terribly.

‘It’s five months away … and you’ll see a lot of Maisie until then …’

‘Of course. Of course. I’m not even sure I’ll be here when you come back. I mean, maybe I’ll have gone back to Southport …’

For a second, I couldn’t breathe.

‘Yes, I understand …’

‘Well, here’s to your … well, I can’t call it move, can I? You’re coming back …’

‘Emily … you know Emily Simms, I told you about her … she calls it a tour.’

‘A blacksmith on tour?’ She laughed.

‘I know … it sounds a bit …
X Factor
, doesn’t it?’

‘Just don’t go trashing hotel rooms! To your
tour
,’ she said with a big smile, raising her glass of juice. We joined in.

‘To the tour …’

‘What’s a tour?’

Eilidh and I laughed, and Maisie laughed, too, though she didn’t know why we found it funny. Then we finished our meal, though Eilidh only picked at her cake after that, and on the way back, she was very, very quiet.

I wanted to say to her, had things been different, that night, had she said yes … But I didn’t, there as no need, she knew.

‘Remember to pack your bags,’ said Maisie, as Eilidh was getting out of the car. Eilidh froze. So did I.

‘Eilidh isn’t coming, darling, it’s just you and me.’

Maisie’s face fell.

I knew it’d been too easy.

Eilidh smiled as if nothing was happening, tapped on Maisie’s window and waved cheerily, but I looked into the mirror when we drove away and I saw that her face looked … forlorn, that’s the only way to put it.