Waterborn (The Emerald Series Book 1) (19 page)

“How long do you need?” he asked again, as if there were a statute of limitations on my anger, on these feeling of betrayal.

I blinked and a tear escaped, and I braced myself against the softening of his eyes because there was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to have him put his arms around me and tell me everything would be all right.

“I don’t know, Daddy.” I spun around and pounded the rest of the way up the stairs, slamming the door shut behind me.

In my room, I tossed the box of donuts on my bed then flipped through my vinyl collection, looking for the saddest, most depressing album I could find. A couple of seconds later, a record spun on the turntable. I plopped down on the bed and ripped open the box of donuts. They weren’t fresh but they were chocolate and they were sweet and I realized how ugly it was to eat and sing and cry at the same time.

T
hree donuts later
, I lay on my side, staring at the picture of my mother. I had always wondered who had taken the picture. Who she would smile at like that, as though they held her whole world in the palm of their hand. Even though I still kind of hated him, I hoped it was my dad. My mom may have been a princess after all. She’d had a fairytale life. One of the Grimm kind, complete with a villain and a tragic ending and a prince charming who’d been left with another man’s child to raise as his own. A child who wasn’t normal and never would be. Why had he done it? Did he love her that much?

He’d left about an hour ago. I’d heard his car pulling from the driveway and it just made me cry harder. He hadn’t yelled up the stairs to tell me where he was going or when he’d be back. He’d just left me alone. I had been lying up here, wallowing alone for too long.

I made myself get up and go to the bathroom and wash my face. The moon hung half full and bright in a midnight blue sky, casting enough light the figure emerging from the surf was unmistakable. Or so I thought.

Noah.

My heart did its usual flip-flop. Somehow it kept forgetting we were just friends. My legs forgot too. They were running too fast toward him to be just friends. Only when I got to the beach, heart racing and chest heaving with effort, I stopped short.

It wasn’t Noah.

Silver eyes flashed at me through the darkness with surprise or recognition, I couldn’t tell which. Maybe some of both. I stood immobile, as did he, as though he hadn’t expected to see me, this man who’d raped my mother. It hadn’t occurred to me he might come find me. Here he stood, and even if I wanted to deny it, it was unmistakable. This man was my father. I felt it, an odd sense of knowing. Neither of us spoke. Even though I had seen him before, now that I knew who he was, what he had done, I half expected to see a monster. He wasn’t a monster. Quite the opposite. If I passed this man on the street he would have garnered a second look. He was as compelling as he’d been that night on the docks.

The breeze blew stronger than usual, the sky dark over the horizon. Waves rolled in quick succession, one after another, resembling the erratic beat of my heart.

“You look so much like her,” he said in a voice filled with awe. “Except for the eyes. She had the loveliest brown eyes. Unusual for a breather.”

It was an odd sensation, standing here under his perusal, knowing how his cruel acts had irrevocably changed the course of my life as well as my dad’s. But then a deeper part nagged at me. I was only here because of his cruel acts. And he had given me his eyes. I didn’t want his eyes. I didn’t want anything from him.

“Why are you here?” I was thankful for the steadiness of my voice. Maybe he couldn’t hear the way my heart was beating too fast. He wore a pearl around his neck, the color of a cold winter day. His chest glistened with moisture, the rise and fall of it nearly matching my own. He was a big man, all sinew muscle, raw and uncivilized. It was as if he had been formed and dropped from the storm clouds themselves. Dull gray eyes, like tarnished silver. Hair that clung to his shoulders in wet clumps. The pattern on his arm electrifying in the dark, like lightning emblazoned on his skin.

“Caris, despite what you may have heard, I am not a monster.”

Oh, but he was. In this fairy tale he was. A monster that had remembered my name. My lip curled in disgust. “Are you saying you didn’t rape my mother?”

His head jerked back as though I had hit him. The air around us sizzled like crackling grease. Thunder rolled long and low, shuddering through me, shaking me all the way to my core. Dark clouds billowed, building higher and higher, turning the sky dark and ominous.

“I hurt Rena.” His voice sliced through the wind. “I am sorry for that. If I could take back that whole summer I would. I paid for what I did. I still pay.” Anguish churned in his eyes, defiance in the rigid set of his shoulders. The sky lit up behind him on a strobe of lightning. Fat drops of rain plopped into the sand.

“No. My mom paid for what you did. My dad paid.” Maybe my dad most of all. I wasn’t yet ready to appreciate what he had done by giving up so much of his life for me. So much anger it weighed me down, held me captive just like the stupid charm meant to protect me from this man. And for now I would stay gladly tied. My anger was all I had that felt real. This moment certainly didn’t. It was like being in Athen Kelley’s presence turned me into someone else. Someone I didn’t know at all.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to upset you. I needed to see for myself if it was true, that you are mine.” His words sent panic streaking through my body. My legs and arms felt weak with it.

“Don’t say that. I’m not yours and I never will be. I want you to leave and I don’t want you to come back.” I had to send him away. I was afraid if I didn’t, he would steal all that was left of me and I wouldn’t recognize myself anymore. He stepped toward me and my body tensed, telling me to run.

“I never dreamed this. I never dared to hope you could be mine.” His voice faltered and something shifted in his eyes, a spark of light stealing over the dullness. Why was he looking at me like that? I stumbled back, truly afraid now.

“Stop saying that.” The words burst out of me on a half-sob, half-scream. “I don’t want you here. Go.”

“I’m sorry, Caris.” He reached for me and I thought I would die if he touched me.

Please stop. Please stop saying my name.

“Forgive me.” His words reverberated in my head. I couldn’t even tell if he’d spoken them aloud. I heard them everywhere. They swirled on the wind, soaked right into my skin and sang in my blood. I covered my ears, but I still heard them.

I turned my back on him and let the wind wrap around me like a shield. My cheeks were wet again, salty tears burning their way down my face. I couldn’t believe I was crying over this man. He didn’t deserve it. I wiped my face with the back of my hands, prepared to do battle for myself, but when I turned back around he was gone.

I searched the churning water, searched until the waves calmed, and the sky cleared, and the wind gentled to a slight breeze.

No, it wasn’t possible.

I thought of the day on the boat, when Sol had come onboard in a fog so thick the whole world had been shut out. Even though my feet were planted firmly in the sand, I felt tossed around, as if I were out there at the mercy of the fickle ocean, helpless. My mind searched for an anchor.
Noah
. It was always Noah. I closed my eyes and fought the desire to sing to him. I recognized it now and buried the urge. It wasn’t easy. I wanted him here, and a selfish part of me needed him here. It would be so easy to succumb to the power of it.

Looking into my father’s eyes had been like looking into his soul. A tortured soul tarnished by guilt. And whether my mother had meant to or not, she had driven him to that dark place, and until I learned to control my Song, I couldn’t risk doing that to Noah.

I had also seen something else in his eyes as he had looked at me. The hope of the one thing he had lost forever.

Redemption.

“
S
o
, what’s the plan?” Jeb tossed a handful of live fish in the tank. They huddled together in a tight ball, moving in perfect symmetry. Ellie responded with guarded curiosity. Then, as if deciding she was hungry, she broke into hunting mode, chasing the fish around the tank. She snagged a couple of them between her teeth and gulped them down; all the proof I needed that she was ready. Now I just had to figure out how I was going to go about getting her out of here. I had never done a prison break before.

“The simpler the better.” I looked over at Jeb. “How about we just walk out of here? I mean, what does she weigh? Five hundred?”

Jeb shrugged. “Give or take fifty. And getting heavier.”

“Doable.” It wouldn’t be easy making the hundred-yard walk carrying a five hundred pound dolphin, but it was the easiest thing I could think of.

“Do you think she’ll let you do that? Just pick her up and carry her?”

“I don’t see why not. If I can’t convince her, I’m pretty sure Caris can.”

Sometimes Jeb was scary when he smiled. There was such a thing as too many bright teeth. “Y’all are a match made in heaven.”

“Shut up.”

“I understand, Noah. I know whipped when I see it.” He slapped me on the back. “Come on, my throat turned to sandpaper half an hour ago. I’ll get you an Icee.”

We barely made it through the gate before we passed a group of girls, all bright eyes and smiles and exposed skin. One of them caught Jeb’s eye, offering a suggestive smile that Jeb found impossible to ignore. Another one sided up to me and opened her mouth to say something, but I looked away before she could utter a sound.

I appreciated the opposite sex as much as the next guy, probably more so being as I lived in an area where girls walked around nearly naked most of the time, in the summer months for sure. And maybe there were a couple of cute ones in that last bunch, but Jeb was right. Only one girl could turn my head right now.

“I’ll catch up,” Jeb said as he patted me on the back.

I didn’t look back to watch. I had seen Jeb in action plenty of times. The same old chorus of giggles. One of them always brave enough to say, “Look how long it is.” Followed by “Can I touch it?” Referring to his hair, of course.

I rolled my eyes, glad to see Erin and Ally sitting at one of the outdoor tables. I might have kept walking had I seen Jax sooner. As it was, by the time I caught sight of him, I was already sliding onto the bench across from Erin. Jax didn’t just walk; he strutted. Coffee in each hand, he made sure everyone saw him coming and going. Jax suffered from big fish in a small pond syndrome—too cool for his own good.

My first reaction to seeing him was to pummel him into the ground. But there were little kids around, and knowing Jax and his daddy like I did, that would probably get me arrested. So would stealing one of his dolphins, but I had no worries on that account.

Beads of sweat pebbled his forehead. I imagined his eyes darting about behind the dark lenses of his glasses. We didn’t acknowledge each other when he walked up and placed the coffees on the table.

“Thanks, baby,” Ally said, sliding one over to Erin.

“Hey, Noah,” Erin quipped while pouring a packet of sugar in her cup.

Jax still stood over Ally’s shoulder as though he were trying to decide whether or not to sit down. I’d just made up his mind for him. Ally and I nodded at each other over the table. I liked her well enough, just not when she was with Jax. She was too good for him. She was pretty, and smart, and athletic. I guess for a certain type of girl, Jax held a certain appeal. He was from a wealthy family, had all the right stuff, if stuff was your thing, and somewhere under that stupid visor he always wore was a working brain because he’d managed to be salutatorian. It still didn’t change the fact that he was a first-class jerk.

“What’s up?” I said to Erin, hoping Jax would go away.

“How is she?” Jax asked, missing the hint, and for a second I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me. And then I wasn’t sure if he was talking about Caris or Ellie. I picked Caris. It was his boat she’d been dumped off of, after all.

“She’d be better if you would stay the hell away from her.” I leveled my eyes on his. God, I wanted to tear those expensive sunglasses off his face so he could clearly see I was not jerking him around.

“That wasn’t me.” He stuffed one hand into the pockets of his khaki shorts, his platinum watch gleaming in the sun. What nineteen-year-old wore a watch like that? “Your boy Sol is out of control.”

“Funny, he says the same about you.” I gave him a cold dismissive look.

“Maybe those two should just do it already.” Jeb sauntered up behind Jax, bright pink Icees in tow, elbowing his way to the table as if Jax weren’t standing there. He took a long sip from his straw then looked up at Jax. “Really, you and Sol would look cute together.”

Jax ignored him, talking over his head at me. “And what about Ellie?”

“Better.” It was all I could offer. I didn’t want to talk to Jax about her either.

“Good. We just sold her.” He waited a beat for me to react. It took all my self-control not to. “She’ll be out of here by the end of next week.” He smirked at me.

The pummeling was sounding like an increasingly good idea.

“Sold her? To who?”

That’s how Jax rolled. He took things that didn’t belong to him then sold them for a profit and acted like he was some genius wheeler-dealer when he was nothing but a thief. No doubt he had made a tidy little sum off my hair.

“Casino in Biloxi.”

Smug-faced bastard. I looked at Jeb but his eyes were focused on Ally. They were engaged in a staring match.

Jax bent down, kissing Ally on the cheek. “See you later, baby.”

“See ya.” Ally waved over her shoulder but she never took her eyes off Jeb.

“Hey, Big Al,” Jeb said, slurping Icee through his straw. Ally had gone through a rather pudgy stage in middle school and Jeb still liked to tease her about it.

“Are you talking to me, Cousin It?” Ally had this smile that she always reserved just for Jeb. It wasn’t so much a smile as a sneer.

“Can’t you come up with something more original than that? That’s hardly even an insult,” he said.

“Can’t you?” Ally countered.

“If the shoe fits.”

“What would you know about shoes? You don’t ever wear any,” Ally shot back.

“Just to let you know,” Erin chimed in, glaring at Jeb before looking at me, “we’re borrowing your girlfriend tonight.”

“What’s gong on?” I didn’t correct her on the girlfriend thing. Caris was a girl. We were friends in that I couldn’t quit thinking about her and obsessing over how it had felt to have her body gliding over mine when I’d taken her swimming.

“Concert on the green. The Boggy Boys. You can come if you want.”

I’d heard of the Boggy Boys. They were a local band and drew a pretty big crowd. I wasn’t big on crowds. “I’ll probably sit this one out,” I said.

“You can’t,” Ally said pointedly to Jeb after knocking Erin in the shoulder.

“Aren’t you bored with that tightass yet?” Jeb nodded at Jax, who had stopped to talk to one of the employees. “He’s wearing slippers.”

“They’re not slippers. They’re loafers. You should try them sometime. Your feet are disgusting.”

“You don’t really think that do you, Big Al? I’ve always wondered how you do it. How do you keep from screaming my name when you’re with him? I mean, our names are so close and all.”

Ally jumped and glared under the table, lip curling back over her teeth in disgust. “Get those things off me. God, you’re just gross.”

Jeb rested his elbows on the table and made a big show of studying her like she had posed a question. “Or maybe you haven’t let him in at all and you’re saving yourself for me.”

“I hate you.” She picked up her coffee, ripped off the lid and threw it at him. Most of it landed on his shirt. Some of it splattered on my arm. “Sorry, Noah.”

“No problem.” I barely held in my laugh. Ally, the one girl on the whole coast immune to Jeb’s charms.

Jeb pasted on a shit-eating grin, making a big show of pulling his shirt over his head and using it to wipe his face. Ally flushed bright red. “Anytime you’re ready, Al. I can rock your world.”

The three of us watched Ally storm off. Jeb stared after her with this complete no-tell expression. Erin glared at Jeb. I sat there wondering what the hell was going on.

“That was bad, even for you, Jeb,” Erin said.

“What? She’s a bitch.” Jeb balled his shirt in his fist.

“You basically just called her fat.”

“No I didn’t.” He scowled at her from across the table. “She knows she’s not fat.”

“You are so clueless.” Erin shook her head. “You don’t know anything about her.”

“Well, I know I can’t stand her.” Jeb pushed up from the table, red blotches forming on his face under the smeared coffee.

“Yeah, right,” she said to Jeb’s retreating back as he took off in the opposite direction from Ally.

“What?” I raised my eyebrow at her, slurping at the rim of my cup.

“You know what they say; the opposite of love is indifference. And those two are far from indifferent.”

“Isn’t that a song?” So that’s where I had gone wrong. I should have sworn to be indifferent to Caris. I’d doomed myself from the beginning.

“Now that all the juveniles are gone, let’s talk. I’ve been wanting to ask you about something.” Erin twirled her cup, sloshing the liquid inside. She pushed those big bugged-eyed sunglasses over her hair, her brow furrowed.

So this was serious then. We’d been friends before she and Jamie got together, before she’d understood we were different. She was the kind of girl who would stand out from the crowd in a room full of tens. Still, we’d always just been friends and it had never occurred to me to want to be anything more. Then she’d become family and I guess she always would be.

“Okay. I’m listening.” I kicked back on the bench.

“I was thinking about going back to school for senior year. I already talked to Coach Hall. They would take me back on the team.” Her eyes remained steady on my face, and I could tell she was trying to read my reaction. Which was hell no.

I gulped the last of my Icee. “Wow. You sure you want to do that?”

“I’m just thinking about it.” She turned her head toward the Gulf and her lips parted on a sigh.

My eyes followed hers. I knew it was still hard for her. Sometimes I half expected to see him come wading out of the surf myself.

“You know I loved Jamie more than anything. But I want to start over. Be a teenager again.”

Erin had dropped out of school after Jamie and had given up a chance to play college volleyball. She was that good. Sixteen and pregnant wasn’t that big of a deal anymore, but sixteen and pregnant with another species would get you ridiculed and bullied and threatened around here. I couldn’t count the number of fights Jamie ended up in defending her honor once the rumors started flying. Hell, I’d gotten into a few of my own. A part of me was surprised she was even thinking about going back into that shark tank. And honestly, I didn’t think it was a good idea.

“I know what you’re thinking. But people have been pretty nice to me for the most part since, well, since everything.” Her eyes got all watery. “I just want some normal teenager stuff. I need some normal teenager stuff. I miss some of it. I miss the team.”

“What does your dad say?”

“I haven’t talked to him about it yet. My mom says it’s up to me. But you know how he is. He’s not going to like the idea.”

No he wasn’t. Marshall, the control freak, was protective to a fault, especially of Erin. And maybe Marshall and I were in agreement there. But this was in no way my call. We both had to move on, and if this was the way she chose to do it, I would support her.

“Well, what do you think?” She had the biggest soulful eyes and they were looking at me like my opinion really mattered to her. Like she thought if she could get my blessing it would be the same as getting Jamie’s. I knew better. We were too different.

“I think you should do whatever will make you happy. And if you want to play high school again, I’ll even come to some of your games and cheer you on.”

Her shoulders slumped in clear relief. “Thanks, Noah. Happy still seems far away, but this might be a step in the right direction.”

I sure hoped so. It made me wonder what direction my own happy was in. I was pretty sure it pointed to Caris.

T
urned out
, I was going to have to step in some more shit before I found my happy.

When I got home, Marshall’s SUV was parked in my driveway, along with Maggie’s twenty-year-old Mercedes. Our family had a thing for the classics. And I thought, as I walked in the side door, this had the potential to be a classic confrontation. I was spoiling for one and had been ever since I’d seen Marshall at the Fish House. I should have done what I did then and walked away. But this was my house, and as far as I was concerned, he wasn’t welcome here anymore.

They were all in the kitchen, my mom, Maggie, and Marshall, eating homemade ice cream like it was the fourth of July. The electric churner sat on the counter, humming its cranky tune. Marshall reclined in his chair, feet propped up on the seat beside him. An empty bowl sat in front of him on the table and his hand was curled around a Stella perched on his knee. I couldn’t even say for sure why it made me so angry, seeing the three of them together, laughing and making jokes. Maybe because it felt like the old days and I knew those days were long gone. Marshall sat in the same chair where my dad would have, and I sure as hell didn’t like the way he kept looking at my mom. She had her hair down and wore a pair of cut-off denim shorts and a plain white t-shirt, and he was smiling at her like my dad used to. I’d never seen Marshall smile like that. An alarm went off in my head, as if I needed another reason to distrust Marshall.

I didn’t even consider I might be acting paranoid. “What is he doing here?”

“Noah.” My mom’s eyes lit up and she hopped down from where she’d been sitting on the counter top, dropping her spoon on the floor. Why was she so nervous?