We All Fall Down: The True Story of the 9/11 Surfer (31 page)

I will never forget meeting Marisa. She was an angel, sent to me on the day the world stopped—only one year later. Since then, we have become very good friends. She has become a friend and babysitter to Hope and our newest addition, Mia, an overall role-model of what I wish for my own daughters to aspire to one day. She has helped me in so many ways with her creative and artistic ideas. She is kind and patient with both of our children and is always up for a tea party or a game of dress up. The girls absolutely love her. Although we have only known Marisa for a little over four years, we have seen her grow into a respectful and lovely young lady.

Marisa, you are beauty that shines from the inside out. You make this world a brighter place by just being YOU. May you always have an angel on your shoulder to guide you through wherever life takes you.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

His Amazing Grace, Her Saving Grace

“When I saw my daughter Hope and Mary’s daughters play Ring Around a Rosie, somehow seeing that started to heal me. I felt some kind of acceptance that these families and mine were, in some opposite way, connected. I cried, but it was a different kind of cry than I had cried before—so many feelings wrapped in to those little girls holding hands and singing…”

~ Louise Buzzelli

Though both of them doubted they ever would, things did get easier after the first anniversary. It became easier to cope with day-to-day struggle, to not constantly dwell on the haunting memories. The constant feeling of teetering on the brink of a breakdown dissipated, and most importantly, it became easier to be a somewhat of a “normal” family again. Pasquale began to get past his PTSD symptoms, and the once familiar feelings that came with survivor’s guilt were fewer and farther between. Louise was finding it easier to let things go and, having entered therapy, she was finding it possible to accept the pangs of guilt she felt for having her husband in her life.

Having someone to talk to who was not a presence in their everyday life was very important for both Louise and Pasquale. It took someone outside of their situation to help them step back and realize that enjoying their lives did not dishonor those who had lost theirs, that being a happy family was not disrespectful to the survivors who’d lost their loved ones.

Psychologist Mosse Burns was a great comfort to both of them. She helped them to say the things they’d been scared to say before and to remember how important the love between them and the love they had for their daughter was. And finally, she helped them remember how they were before 9/11. They began to heal and fall in love all over again, but for Louise, there was one last thing she had to do before she could really take steps toward healing herself, her life, and her marriage.

~ ♦ ~

After months of working, recording the song, spreading the word about The
Song for Hope
Foundation, dealing with the media to promote the charity, and the waiting (probably the worst part of all)—after all of that, the day had finally arrived. Louise was going to be face to face with the women who’d been ever present in her mind for more than a year. It was Mother’s Day of 2003, and Louise, with the help of others, would host a luncheon for the women who’d been pregnant on September 11, 2001 and had lost the father of their unborn children in the attacks.

It was an idea that had hatched almost a year earlier, when Louise had first played the song for Mike and Dara Martire, as well their close family and friends. They thought it was a lovely tribute to the women, and they all wanted to take it further. They set up the Foundation and knew all of the proceeds would go to the widows and their babies, but they still felt the need to do more. Louise, especially, knew that she could not become whole again unless she got the chance to meet those women face to face and tell them how much they meant to her. Eventually they came up with the idea for a special day, dedicated solely to those women and their children.

When Louise first asked Pasquale to strongly consider helping with the idea, she was surprised at how enthusiastic he was about helping. He agreed that he would be there with her every step of the way; the only caveat he placed on it was that he could not attend the event. He felt very strongly about helping the women, but he was sure his presence would be a distraction and would detract from the day. He didn’t want them to look at him and be reminded of the men they lost, of their pain. Louise understood and was just happy to be working together on it with her husband. Planning the event with Pasquale was another step toward healing their marriage, and both of them devoted themselves fully to the Mother’s Day Luncheon.

The luncheon received an excellent boost when a lady, a widow herself, contributed a large check to the Foundation. Louise was honored to be able to pass those funds along to the widows and happy to give them all the money from the sales of the
Song for Hope
CD (which, despite the lack of media support, had sold well). She put together beautiful gift baskets for the moms, filled with gifts donated by Avon Products and Kraft Foods. Those gifts were made possible with the help of some very sincere friends of hers who were employed by those companies: Dennis Rice, Stacey Goodman, and Donna Tucci. Louise was touched to know that they understood the importance of the
Song for Hope
cause and that they wanted to help in any way they could. Louise’s friends, Rachel and Rory, donated a special book basket from Rory’s company, Schoolwide Books, for the children. Louise planned to give out those baskets, as well as the profits from the CD, in the form of checks in the babies’ names.

Invitations to the event were sent to every widow who had contacted them through the help of ABC’s
Primetime
. Just getting in touch with any of them was miracle in itself, as they were a very private group. Louise had seen a broadcast of ABC’s
Primetime,
hosted by Diane Sawyer—an episode called “63 Reasons to Hope.” That particular broadcast featured many of the moms and their children. It gave Louise hope, that through ABC, she could somehow contact that group of moms and let them know about The
Song for Hope
Foundation. After many weeks of trying to get through to
Primetime
, Louise received a phone call.

“Hello. Can I speak with Louise?” a woman asked.

“This is Louise.”

“Hi, Louise. My name is Maura Reiley, from ABC.”

“Hello, Maura!” Louise exclaimed. “I have been trying to get a hold of someone for weeks! I saw the story you guys did on ABC
Primetime,
‘63 Reasons to Hope,’ and I just knew you could help us!” Louise went on to explain everything to her, from Pasquale’s survival to The
Song for Hope
Foundation.

Maura listened and was very moved by the story. “I can’t give out the information on the moms, but here’s what we can do,” Maura said. “Send me your information in a letter, and I can pass this along to them. If they want to contact you, they can.”

“Oh, of course. I understand.” Louise said, trying to contain her excitement. “Thank you so much! I appreciate
anything
you can do!”

Louise couldn’t believe it was actually happening. After so many dead-ends, she was expecting to have another door slammed in her face. This time was different though, and Maura came through. Within a week or so, she started getting phone calls and e-mails. One by one, she was able to get in contact with many of the mothers.

Louise remembered every single mom who contacted her, but the first one she spoke to holds a special place in her heart. When the phone rang, from a number she did not recognize, her heart seemed to skip a beat. “Hello?” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

“Hi. This is Jill. I got this number from Maura at ABC. Can I speak with Louise?”

Louise realized just who she was talking to and started shaking. It felt like she had waited forever for that moment, and now that it had arrived, she felt as if the moment she’d been dreaming of had finally come true. “Oh, hi, Jill.” She tried to sound collected and together as her heart raced. “This is Louise.”

“Hi, Louise! I read your letter, and I could not wait to call you! This is so great what you are trying to do!” Jill said, and Louise could tell she meant it.

They had a great conversation. Jill was extremely friendly and really made Louise feel at ease. Talking to her was like seeing a glimmer of light at the end of a tunnel for Louise. Jill was so positive and strong. Louise had been so looking forward to speaking with the moms, but she’d worried about how they might react to her—the one whose husband had survived. Jill was so kind that all of those fears were erased from her thoughts.

“Well, Louise,” Jill said after a while, “I will let some of the other moms know about The
Song for Hope
Foundation and have them contact you. It is a really great thing. And please tell your husband we are happy he is here.”

Not all of the conversations Louise had with the mothers were as uplifting, like the time Louise received a call from a woman who’d been on the phone with her husband during his last moments. It is a conversation she will never forget.

They started talking and got the introductions out of the way. After that, the conversation became much heavier. The woman told Louise about how everyone told her that her husband was in “a better place” now and that God knew why it all happened, that it was all part of His plan somehow. “I can’t accept that. I don’t!” the woman said. “There is no better place for him than right here, beside me, raising our son.”

Louise’s heart shattered. She understood exactly what the poor woman meant, and she knew she would have felt exactly the same way. If she’d have lost Pasquale that day, there would have been no way she’d ever believe that there was “a better place” for him other than with her and Hope.

“I remember being on the phone with him while he was inside the Tower. He said he didn’t think he was going to make it out. I told him he would, but he said he didn’t think so. He told me he loved me and the children very much and that they brought him so much happiness in his life, that he could not have asked for anything more…Then he said, ‘I don’t think I am going to make it out. The fire is getting close…’Then there was a long pause, and he said, ‘My shoes are starting to melt…Just always know how much I love you and the kids. I will
always
be with you.’”

Louise listened to the horrible tale, and there were no words she could even offer. She wanted so badly to reach through the phone and wrap her arms around that woman. She wanted to just hold her and console her, but she couldn’t. There was nothing she could do to take away the widow’s pain. It jolted her back to her own painful memories, back to when she’d talked to Pasquale’s mother on the day it all happened. Just as there was nothing she could say to Antonia then, there was nothing she could say now. So she just listened to the woman and she let her tell her everything—every detail, big and small—that she wanted to talk about. As the two sobbed together, Louise listened to that voice she’d never met before; she understood, because, if only for a few hours, Louise had felt it all for herself. Louise knew the woman just needed someone to listen, to really hear what she had to say. All she could do was listen, and she made sure she heard every word.

Days had gone by, and Louise could not get the image of the woman’s story out of her head.
How in the world am I going to help any of these mothers?
she thought.
Maybe this whole thing is just a stupid idea and it is senseless for me to even think I can make a difference in such a horrific tragedy
.

She began to feel very tentative about the whole thing and all they’d gone through to get to that point, but then she received a phone call from another mother, a woman named Mary. Mary and Louise connected right away. Mary was very warm and welcoming toward Louise, and she showed great enthusiasm for what Louise was trying to do. “No one has ever done something like this for us,” Mary said, “just for us, with no reservations or hidden agenda or media influence. After that day…you know, I don’t know how I did it, but I did, and I am glad I am not there anymore. I am glad I did it. And I look at Grace Ann…she is such a gift. We picked the name ‘Grace’ before she was born, and she’s my saving Grace! I just remember he used to say she was going to be his amazing Grace. So thank you for doing this, Louise. I am so looking forward to meeting you and your family. Is it okay if I bring my three daughters?”

“Alison, Katie, and Grace Ann?” Louise said. “Of course! And bring a friend if you like. This event is for
you
and
all
your children!”

Mother’s Day was a natural fit, and the luncheon was held on Sunday, May 4, at the Rigoletto Espresso restaurant in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey. Hosted by Susan and Bob Palzer, the event was handled with white gloves. They opened their restaurant to the Mother’s Day event, and it was clear that everything about that day came straight from the hearts of all involved. Susan said of the occasion, “No one knows what it is like, unless you are them, and to do something as small as to make a meal for them…well, it’s our pleasure.”

Louise arrived early to help set up a few things. She placed the beautiful flower arrangements on each table and around the restaurant, donations from Janine Binaghi of Stokes Farms. She set up the gazebo where the children’s guitar player would be, decorating it with festive balloons and streamers. A table in front of the restaurant was stacked with craft materials for the children to make cards, shirts, or even hats for their moms. Though she thought she would be nervous while she waited to face the mothers, she was not; rather, she was excited and bursting with energy.