We Only Know So Much (6 page)

ten

A
t home, Otis runs up the stairs, eager to examine the beans again, brushing past his sister in the hallway. He’s barely touched her.
Geez, look where you’re going, Baby Freak
, Priscilla says, giving him a shove on her way down. Ordinarily he’d notice, not that he’d do anything much about it, but today’s events have invested him with the temporary power to overlook his sister’s abuse.

For his first few years of existence, Otis had shadowed Priscilla. It may have been nothing other than her relative height that intrigued him, her general big-sisterness, but wherever she was, he wanted to be. Once, when Priscilla was in seventh grade and Otis was four, he came upon his sister and her friend Taylor having a fashion show, begged to be in it, and the only reason Priscilla agreed was that Taylor liked Otis and plus also thought it would be funny to see him dressed up like a girl.
Pleeeeeeze
, Otis said. Priscilla rolled her eyes about it,
Fine-nuh
, she’d said, two syllables, and,
Gol
, and so they styled him in a denim mini and a pale blue ruffle top, threw on a necklace. Taylor insisted on some lip gloss, blush, and a headband with a bow, which thrilled Otis, so much so that he’d left the room briefly to show his mother but found only Vivian, who’d come over with Theodore and Laura for dinner that day. (Vivian, of course, would express concerns to her granddaughter-in-law about
where this sort of thing might lead
, but Jean remained unworried, hoped, futilely, that where this might lead was to Priscilla and Otis spending more time together.) Otis had sashayed down the upstairs hall “runway” the way Taylor showed him, beaming, both at the fun of it and at the prospect of more times like these with his sister. Unfortunately, the opposite would come to pass: even if Otis hadn’t broken his sister’s favorite necklace when he’d hastily pulled it off, even if he hadn’t smeared his lipstick on her blouse, this moment would mark the official banishment of Otis from Priscilla’s room.

Today, Priscilla and Taylor are frantically texting each other. Priscilla is actually on her way to pick up Taylor. They have both been called back for a second audition for the TV show. This time they are going to put the girls on tape. Priscilla is using exclamation points; she is not usually one for such overt displays of enthusiasm, but right now she can’t help herself. The texting and driving is doing nobody any favors, but fortunately Taylor only lives a few blocks away.
Ohmigawwd!!
they screech when Taylor gets in the car. Taylor’s a little bit excited now, too, not quite as excited as Priscilla, but remember, they’re both nineteen, and Taylor doesn’t have any much better ideas about what she’s doing with her life than Priscilla does.

Priscilla is called in first. This time they’ve slotted twenty minutes for each girl, and there are three additional people present, more producers, in addition to the four from last time.

Okay
, Ted says,
so we’re just going to ask you some general questions, to get an idea of how you look on camera. There are no right or wrong answers, so don’t worry about that. We really just want you to be yourself.
Priscilla is smiling hard, which is already her not being herself. Priscilla is not a big smiler. No one in her family is. Or maybe it is her being herself, but a new weird version of herself where she’s actually excited about something—that combined with trying to be likable. Priscilla has never given headspace to being likable before, insofar as she has always assumed she is. Suddenly she’s not sure. Suddenly the questions. Lots and lots of questions. Priscilla is so not prepared.

Do you have a driver’s license?

Oh, yeah, I drove here!

Great. What famous person reminds you of yourself?

Oh wow, I don’t know, maybe Jennifer Aniston, no, wait, she’s old, oh, I know, Kristin Cavallari! I get that all the time.
We hesitate to mention our knowledge of the televison series
The Hills
here, but for those of you who don’t know, Ms. Cavallari is a character who is considered to be bitchy, but who Priscilla thinks is just misunderstood. She’s hot, though, that’s the main thing.

All three make notes. Priscilla hopes that’s a good sign.

List the three adjectives that best describe you.

Oh, wow, um, cute? Awesome? No, just kidding. Um, hm, can we come back to this one?
Priscilla can’t believe she’s got nothing for this. She should have something better for this.

Sure. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Ugh, my freak little brother.

Could you be more specific?

He’s just weird. Pulls the legs off caterpillars. Plus sometimes he tries to get me to like,
play
with him and stuff.
Priscilla rolls her eyes.
You know, he’s
nine.

Nods.

What is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

The worst? Priscilla has to think about this one. She’d been pretty bummed when she hadn’t gotten hired at J.Crew and had to settle for Express. Was that the worst thing ever? Do they expect one of those stories like on
American Idol
or something where your dad was killed like three days before the audition? She’s got nothing like that. Getting dumped by Kyle had sucked, but she was so over it. But maybe that’s the way to go. It’s all she’s got right now.
My ex broke up with me in a status update. Douchey, right?

Nods. Like, totally unreadable fucking nods.

Do you get sea-, air-, or carsick?

No
—
well, I don’t think so. Why?

In case we have location shoots and have to travel.
Priscilla’s head spins when she hears the word “travel.” This could not possibly get better unless they told her one of the guys from
Glee
was going to be on this show. She doesn’t even like that show that much, but those guys are so hot.

What is your level of education?

I’m in my first year of junior college. But I kind of hate it.

What are you studying?

I haven’t picked a major. I’m thinking about dropping out.
Priscilla actually thinks this is a right answer, that her willingness to drop out is a sign of her commitment to being on a reality show.

More expressionless nods and note-taking from the panel, nods that Priscilla cannot read, so many freaking blank freaking nods. So she covers, just in case.

Well, I mean, but maybe not. I don’t know.

Name three of your favorite hobbies.

What do you mean, like, stamp collecting or something?

Yeah, like that.

Priscilla thinks hard. She definitely has no hobbies.
Is texting a hobby?

Not really . . .

Shopping?

Well . . .

Oh, okay . . . what about reading magazines?
Priscilla loves magazines, has an expanding file full of pages she’s torn out with outfits she admired, and a separate folder for accessories. She’s never thought of this as a hobby. She’d started it as an idea file. Ideas for what, she’d always been unsure of. She reads everything from
InTouch
to
Elle
to
Teen Vogue
. It fits in her purse. She almost says this.

No, more like
—
maybe games you like, or keeping a journal or something?

No, not really, I guess.
Priscilla is getting worried now. This is not going well. Why does it suddenly seem like she has no life? She’s never thought that before. But saying this stuff out loud makes it all sound so . . . she can’t think of a word. Pathetic. Wow. She’s feeling a little tear come up into her right eye. Not good. Swallow. Swallow.

Do you have any phobias?

What?

Any phobias? Fears?

Oh. I don’t think so. I mean, I probably wouldn’t like it if there were like snakes or bats hanging around my house.

Have you been treated for, or experienced, any physical or mental illness within the last ten years?

What? No! Ten years ago I was like, nine.

Nine-year-olds can have mental illness.

Maybe that’s what’s wrong with my brother. Ha!

Polite smiles and blank faces. Augh, why does she keep mentioning him? She sounds like she’s twelve. Priscilla feels that tear coming up again.

Have you ever been arrested?

No! Jeez, no.

Have you ever been on television before?

Nah, not really. When I went with my family to New York once, we stood outside the ‘Today’ show, but we were kind of way in the back. It was lame.
So we don’t have to repeat it, you should just go ahead and assume that most times when Priscilla makes a negative judgment, she also rolls her eyes.

Have you ever appeared in a publicly released film or video of any sort?

I wish!

What is your favorite TV show?

Oh my god, I love ‘America’s Next Top Model,’ I love ‘Gossip Girl’—well, for the clothes, mostly, the story lines are kind of lame. ‘The Hills.’ I
die
for Rachel Zoe. I love ‘GH’ . . .

Blank stares, nods.

‘General Hospital.’

Nods. Is this like some kind of a total mind-fuck, some super harsh joke being played on her? How could these all be the wrong answers? Because, seriously? It’s working. It’s an effective mind-fuck. Her mind is very effectively fucked.

What is your favorite movie?

She has an answer for this! ‘
Say Anything’!
Totally.
I know it’s super old school, but you know, Lloyd Dobler! You have to love Lloyd Dobler. I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen that movie. I like know half the lines. The boom box!
Priscilla puts her hand to her heart in the most genuine display of emotion since the interview started, allows herself a half moment to imagine having her own Lloyd Dobler, drifts back in to see the panel, everyone doing that sort of “no, nothing wrong with that” face/shrug thing that also means there’s nothing really right with it, either.

What is your favorite music to listen to?

Priscilla does not really listen to music. She doesn’t dislike it really, she just doesn’t think about it much.

I don’t know, I guess I like popular music. Or
—
dance music! I love to dance. Is that a hobby?

Sure.
Notes.

Describe your perfect day.
Cool, she can do this.

Well, I’d get up around eleven, I guess, eat a waffle, meet Taylor and my friends at the mall and go shopping. And then come home and try on everything we bought and have a fashion show and then post photos online and then go to a party where we’re the only girls, or at least the only cute girls
—
well, that’s usually the way it is, but you know what I mean, and the rest of the party is all super hot guys
—
TV stars, maybe!

The panel members crack a smile, finally. Jeez.

What was the most exciting moment of your life?

Priscilla has enough good sense to refrain from mentioning that
this
is the most exciting moment of her life, this one right now, wonders how they could not know that, but she does not have an alternative answer.

God, I don’t know, I don’t know, huh, I don’t know. My life isn’t very exciting.

Wait, what? Did she mean to say that? That wasn’t exactly what she meant. She should probably explain. But nothing else is coming out of her mouth. Dammit!

How do you blow off steam?

Priscilla has somehow never heard this phrase before. She imagines this literally, but that can’t be right.

I don’t think I know what that means.

Like, when you’re angry, or frustrated, what do you do?

I scream?
Priscilla is often angry and frustrated, and has no real, useful outlet for it. She slams doors, rolls her eyes, shoves, huffs, calls names. These don’t seem like the right answers. They might actually be right answers, but they don’t seem like it.

What is your primary motivation for being on TV?

Christ, these questions are so hard! College is easier than this. Priscilla knows “to get famous” can’t possibly be the right answer, but it’s the only one she has, and trying to think about why she wants to get famous, she draws a blank.
Gol, I don’t know, doesn’t everyone want to be on TV?

Not everyone. What is the accomplishment that you are most proud of?

I don’t know.
This last
I don’t know
will double-dutch into her mind with
My life isn’t very exciting
until her eyes practically bleed.