Welcome to My Jungle (3 page)

But then I remembered. Axl Rose’s full name is W. Axl Rose.

And there you have it. The letter
w
. And it is all by itself.

My association with W. Axl Rose and Guns N’ Roses helped me start my RockStar brand, and it introduced me to very influential people, who remain in my life to this day.

So I guess Mr. Hamilton Farmer did in fact “see” the letter
w
. Alone.

Wow!

Now, I know I’m not even close to a household name, and I’m definitely not more famous than Bruce Willis, yet, but in the seminar industry I am very well known because of my RockStar brand. And right now that is more than good enough for my family and me. I personally don’t want to get too famous. I’ve seen what happens to people that have become very famous—and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

I’m very happy with my success, and I’m very happy that I can walk down the street without being recognized.

I’m also very happy that I finally think I know what Hamilton Farmer saw back in 1985.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

October 15, 1991, had started out like every other day of the past few months. I went to the local gym in Playa del Rey, California, to watch my girlfriend at the time—Kim Evenson,
Playboy
Playmate, September 1984—swim laps in a pool because I had nothing else to do. I was a starving actor making very little money, so watching Kim work out was the highlight of my day. Pretty sad.

My pager (cell phones in 1991 were brand-new at best) went off. I didn’t recognize the number but I called it back from the pay phone (yes, there were still pay phones in 1991) near the outdoor pool. It was Doug Goldstein, the new manager of Guns N’ Roses.

Doug and I had toured together for years with Air Supply in the mid-1980s and we became very good friends. It’s funny, I was the one who showed Doug “the ins and outs” of touring and he became one of the most influential people in rock n’ roll in the 1990s.

Anyway, Doug asked me if I was ready to go back on the road. Axl Rose needed a
second
personal assistant for the upcoming Use Your Illusion world tour. The words “second assistant” sort of confused me because I never knew that someone would need more than one assistant. How foolish of me. I found out quickly that one assistant was not enough for Axl Rose while on the road.

So, I look at Kim in her bathing suit while she’s doing one of her “5,000” laps, and I weigh the situation. Stay in Playa del Rey and watch Kim swim, or go on the road with the hottest band in the world. Again. Come to the gym every day and watch Kim swim 5,000,000 laps or go on the road with Guns N’ Roses as Axl Rose’s “second” personal assistant, whatever the hell that meant.

Damn
, I thought to myself.
Tough decision
.

But I knew what I had to do. And that was go on tour with the biggest band in the world at that time, and break up with Kim via a phone call from far, far away.

MY FIRST DAY WITH GUNS N’ ROSES

Being Axl’s second personal assistant was more like being Blake’s first assistant. Blake Stanton was Axl’s personal assistant at the time, but he was so busy he needed an assistant. So, at first, I was technically the assistant to the assistant. But I was really Axl’s assistant because I was doing everything for him. When Blake left (see the Alone in Germany story), I became Axl’s first assistant. Then I needed an assistant, who became Axl’s second assistant, or my assistant. (I won’t judge you if you need assistance understanding the whole assistant thing.)

My first day on the job, I walked into Axl’s living room in the Hollywood Hills. Blake immediately tells me to go get Slash at the Oakwood apartments at the bottom of the hill.

No, “Hi!” Just, “Get Slash.”

I was thinking to myself, “Don’t you want me to fill out a W-4 first?” Blake was a man of very few words, because as I would realize very soon, he had a lot on his mind.

“He’ll be standing in the parking lot wearing black,” Blake said.

Go figure. Slash wearing black.

I was really excited because I had never met Slash and on my first day of work he was going to be in my car.

I got in my car and headed back down the hill.

I arrived at the Oakwood apartments and I pulled up to Slash who was standing by himself in the parking lot. He was wearing black. Without saying a word he got in my car.

Now, I understand that I wasn’t a scary looking guy, but c’mon. Shouldn’t he have at least asked who I was?

Slash got in and said, “Hey.”

I said, “Hey,” back. “I’m Craig.”

“Nice to meet you. You work for Axl now?”

I proudly said, “Yup.”

He just smiled. A rather haunting smile at that.

We shook hands and I drove him to Axl’s house without either of us saying another word the entire ten-minute ride.

Slash and I would go on to become very good friends. Drinking buddies on the road. In fact my first introduction to Everclear was with Slash. Would love to write about what happened that night, but I really can’t remember a thing.

When Slash and I got back to Axl’s house, Blake was on the phone.

I heard him say, “Brian, Axl, and I might have a doctor out here that we think can help Freddie …”

At first I didn’t think anything of it, but as the conversation went on I realized he was talking to Brian May, the lead guitarist of Queen—my favorite band of all time.

I thought,
How cool was that?
First Slash, then we’re on the phone with Brian May? This is going to be awesome. And I still hadn’t even been introduced to Axl.

Without going into detail of the very confidential phone call, Brian apparently said, “Thanks for the offer, but Freddie was at peace and was ready to move on.”

A few minutes later Axl walked out of his bedroom wearing only a pair of shorts. He walked right past me and asked Blake, “What did he say?”

Blake told Axl the outcome of the call and Axl rolled his eyes.

Axl sat on the couch, lit up a cigarette, and said to me, “Hey. I’m Axl.”

As if I didn’t know.

I walked over to him and shook his hand. “I’m Craig. Very nice to meet you.”

And we went to work.

No fireworks, no big celebration for me starting my new, very cool job. Just a regular workday in Axl’s house in the Hollywood Hills. The big topic of the day was why did Izzy Stradlin quit Guns N’ Roses a few weeks prior? And how are we going to get new guitarist Gilby Clarke up to speed, fast?

Freddie Mercury passed away a few days later.

I am probably one of the biggest Queen fans of all time. I don’t collect a lot of Queen stuff but I know pretty much everything there is to know about Queen.

When Freddie Mercury passed away it was a very sad day for me. Axl felt the same way. He was also a huge Queen fan.

I had no idea what direction the next three years of my life would take, but I knew it was going to be very interesting.

I was right.

ALONE IN GERMANY

Somewhere in Germany, four months into my job with Guns N’ Roses, I had to run to a local mall to pick up a few things for Axl while he was asleep. I was really tired because I had only had about two hours of sleep myself. That was typical.

In the Guns N’ Roses world this is how it works. The band does a show. The show ends between midnight and two in the morning. That’s because GNR always went onstage late, which we will discuss later. Then on most nights, Axl would hang out for about two hours after the show in his dressing room. Then Axl, Blake, Axl’s bodyguard, Earl, and I would take the limo to a restaurant for some late-night snacks—actually, full-on meals.

Axl hardly ever looked for five-star restaurants. He was very happy with the local Denny’s or IHOP, especially because they were often the only restaurants open at 4 a.m.

The three of us nonsingers, all larger in stature than Axl, would order one meal. For me it was usually breakfast. But Axl would order at least three meals from the menu. Chicken fried steak was one of his favorites. He was always so hungry after a show, and he could never decide what he wanted to eat, so he would order multiple items and pick from each plate.

When we arrived at one of these fine establishments, it was virtually empty. One disheveled waitress, one male cook with a hairnet, half asleep, and a manager reading the daily newspaper for probably the fifteenth time with a cup of coffee.

It was always interesting to see the looks on their faces when they saw who just got out of the stretch limo and walked into their little restaurant.

The manager would always sit us in the “nicest” booth and usually ask for an autograph. Axl obliged.

The waitress would take our order and fumble her words while explaining the “specials.” We were fully aware that Denny’s never had specials, but when Axl was there, the waitress always wanted to spend as much time as possible at our table. So she made up some specials.

Happened all the time.

A once empty restaurant would somehow fill with people within fifteen minutes. It only took one phone call from an employee for the word to get out. And in small towns across the world, news spreads quickly. And remember, this is long before everyone had social media on their cell phones.

For the most part Axl would allow people to take pictures and he’d sign autographs, as long as they knew to leave us alone when the food arrived.

It was my job to make sure that happened. They did leave us alone, but they would stare from far away. Earl stepped in if a fan became a problem.

We’d finish up and get back to our hotel between 5:30 and 6 a.m., and I would be exhausted. But Axl often wanted to talk. Everyone else went to their nice comfy beds, but Axl wanted to talk. And Axl wanted to talk … to me. No one else, usually. Just me!

I always tried to “act” tired, but it never worked. Guess that’s why I never made it as an actor.

Let me make this clear. During the day I could listen to Axl for hours. He’s a very caring, very interesting person, and, yes, totally misunderstood by the public. He’s also one of my wife’s favorite people to this day. And Natasha is very careful about who she lets into her life. Axl and Natasha had some great discussions as well. It’s just that I was exhausted, but he was still filled with a ton of energy having just wowed an audience of 80,000 screaming fans. It’s very hard to come down off that high.

So I would listen. Sometimes for hours. Then Axl would go to bed, and while he slept, I had about two hours before I had to get everything ready for the next day.

So, on that day in Germany I was shopping for Axl on less than two hours of sleep. When I got back to the hotel, I saw Blake getting into a taxi.

And he was carrying all of his luggage!

I calmly asked him, “Where are you going?”

“I quit!” he exclaimed.

“What do you mean, you quit? You can’t quit.”

“Dude, I can’t take this crap anymore. I’m outta here.”

And with that he got into the cab and drove away.

That was it. That fast. Just left. And we were in Germany. I wondered how the hell was he going to get a flight back. It was going to be one very expensive ticket.

“Holy crap,” I said out loud.

My first thought was,
Who’s going to break the news to Axl?
Then I thought,
Hey, I’m about to get a raise
.

I had only been on the job for fewer than five months, but I felt I had a handle on things. I had wanted to do some things differently for a while, and now I was going to get my chance.

I headed up to our floor, knocked on Doug Goldstein’s room, and told him the news.

He hardly seemed surprised and actually said, “Looks like you’re going to be the man now. Good luck with that.”

And he smiled.

I must have looked frightened, because then he said, “You’ll be fine.”

I immediately said, “I get another assistant, right?”

“Yes.”

“Phew.”

“When we get back to the States.”

“Cool.”

It wasn’t until later that night that I realized we still had a month and a half left in Europe, and I had to do all the “assistant” stuff now by myself.

We met with Axl a few hours later and he took the news quite well. Then Axl and I had a heart-to-heart meeting.

When Blake was in charge he was practically attached to Axl. He did a great job, but in my opinion, he was in Axl’s space way too much. He would wake up in the morning and sit in Axl’s living room and wait for him to wake up. Whether they were in Axl’s home in Hollywood or in a hotel living room, Blake just sat there silent, unable to get any work done.

On tour, even on a day off, he never left the hotel and never really got to enjoy the tour because he always felt he had to be right next to Axl, just in case he needed something, or if something went wrong. Blake always sent me out to do the errands, so I actually saw the cities we were in.

Because I would be alone in Europe, without another assistant for the next forty-five days, things had to change. Plus, I believed that because Axl was an adult, if he needed something he could just come to my room and ask me.

I told Axl that. I said that I had a lot of work to do to get ready for each show and to get ready for each new city, and that if he needed something that I was right next door.

Not only was Axl “cool with that,” I think he felt relieved that he was going to get his space back, and not have some guy sitting in his hotel living room, waiting.

On that day, I gained respect from Axl, and we became great friends. I pitched my case and he understood. Axl was suddenly in a better mood, shows were going great, and everyone was getting along.

Only wish it would have stayed that way for the next two years.