What Endures (6 page)

She shoved her plate away in frustration. “What the hell am I supposed to say to him, Ty? He wants to know about his past. . .about our past!”

Tyler stared at the table for several long minutes before he responded. “Why don’t you just tell him then?”

“W-what?”

Tyler nodded. “I’m serious, Meg. Just tell him. Why not?”

“Because the doctor said-“

“Screw the doctor.” Tyler sighed. “Look, Dr. Glennon is a great neurosurgeon. I have the utmost respect for him and we owe him big-time for saving Jason's life, but I just. . .I don’t think his advice is very good. Jason’s not an idiot. He knows something more than friendship went on between you guys. And the more you resist in confirming it to him, the more it seems to be hurting the both of you.” Tyler shook his head. “I don’t think that anything that hurts you two like this is good advice. Or something that you should continue to follow.”

A part of her agreed with Tyler, but then there were the details. Good intentions only went so far. “And what am I supposed to tell him, Ty?”

“The truth,” Tyler said simply.

“I wish you would stop saying that!” she cried. “The truth is not that easy!  Which ‘truth’ am I supposed to tell him? We’re talking more than 10 years of ‘truth’ here!”

“Megan-“

“I mean, do I tell him that we’re engaged?” she continued, letting all the frustration burst forth. “Or that we used to be married? Do I tell him about the divorce? Or why we divorced? And everything else?” She ran both hands through her hair agitatedly. “10 years of ‘truth’ is not that simple!”

“Hey, hey,” Tyler placated, as he laid a calming hand on her arm. “I’m sorry, I-“

“Do you think I like doing this? Do you think I
want
to? Do you think I want to keep pretending that he and I are nothing more than friends?” She drew in a shaky breath, hoping to quell the sob she felt bubbling inside of her. “I hate it! But I just don’t know what else to do!”

“I know.” Tyler looked at her. “But he’s not gonna give up. When he’s not taking things out on me, he’s trying to get information from me. He’s getting pretty good at it too.” Tyler sighed. “He’s gonna find out sooner or later. It would be better if he found out from you."

She knew Tyler was right. Jason was bound to find out about them. He probably already knew it on some level, otherwise, he wouldn’t be pushing this. And while she knew that telling him would resolve some of the issues, it was going to raise bigger, more difficult ones. Were they ready for that?

#

It took her a day.

A day and one very angry phone call from Tyler, who had given her an ultimatum, before she had forced herself to put on her big girl panties, and go see Jason. Even then she took the longest, slowest route to the house that she knew and sat in the car for a good 15 minutes before she got out.

The walk from her car to the door seemed to take an eternity. And by the time she had let herself in, she could not only feel her heart thumping against her chest painfully, but she could hear it as well. She wouldn’t have been surprised if others could hear it too. It seemed so loud.

She didn’t call out to him. And she knew that Tyler had already left. He had told her as much during their call. ‘If I stay I will seriously fuck up my karma,’ was how he had ended the call. She could only imagine what had transpired between him and Jason prior to his call to her.

She had seen Jason at his worst, and she was probably the only person who knew how to handle him in that state. Everyone else either wanted to kill him, or get as far away from him as possible. Although she wasn't so sure she could handle him now. He was different after all. He wasn't ‘her’ Jason anymore.

She made her way into the living room quietly and found Jason on the couch, flipping through the TV channels rapidly. It was clear that he wasn’t really watching. His posture was tense, and his leg, now out of the hard cast, and in a soft brace-like cast, was propped up on an ottoman. His wheelchair was nowhere in sight, but the aluminum crutches he had to use in its stead, were within reach of him on the couch.

“Hi,” she said softly.

He jumped slightly at the sound of her voice. He turned and she saw him wince at the movement. His face, which she could have sworn had lit up briefly when he had seen her, quickly transformed into an inscrutable mask before he turned back to the TV.

“Megan,” he offered in greeting. He flipped it to ESPN, and pretended to be interested in whatever it was that was airing.

She drew in a deep breath. She knew this wasn’t going to be easy. And this only served to make her realize the bleakness of their ‘new’ reality even more. Jason, the ‘old’ Jason, used to always try and make things easier for her, even at his own expense.

She made her way around the couch and sat down. “So I heard about your latest blow-up with Tyler.”

He barely glanced at her. “Really.”

“Jason,” she half sighed his name. “I know this is hard for you and all but-“

“No, I don’t think you do, Megan,” he cut in, his voice harsh.

“Look, I-“ she stopped abruptly. She had tried to rehearse what she had wanted to say to him and each ‘version’ had sounded horrible to her. And nothing going through her mind right now sounded any better.

“Don’t bother,” he said dismissively. “We can just go back to everyone treating me like some childish idiot who can’t be told anything.”

“That’s not fair.”

He shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

His words stung her. But she knew the reason they stung was because they were true. They had been treating Jason like a child. And she could see how insanely frustrating that was for him.

“Jason,” she said softly, trying to get his attention. He stubbornly continued to stare at the TV screen. She exhaled sharply. “Jason.”

He turned and she forced herself to meet the full force of his gaze. He was beginning to look a lot like his ‘old’ self. The bruises were gone from his face, and his hair was growing in nicely. She could still make out the scar on his head, but that too, was fading beneath the thicker mass of his dark hair. His face, always angular with chiseled cheekbones and a square-set jaw, had become more so due the weight loss from the accident but he had been gaining weight so his face was filling in again. Pretty soon, he would be walking again, and all physical reminders of his accident would be but a memory.

Memories. She stumbled over the word in her mind. That was what was causing all of these problems. Almost ten years worth of memories. But she and Jason had never been about the past. If they were, they would have never gotten together in the first place. They would have let the past, filled with ugly memories between his and Tyler's parents, get in the way.

But they didn’t.

Because they were about the moment. About living in it. That was one of their strengths. They had this ability to tune out the rest of the world and its pressures and just. . .be. Sure, the world intruded - sometimes harshly, sometimes rudely, but above all else, they had always managed to find a way to just be together.  Right in the moment.

Why should this be any different? She thought back to her conversation with Tyler. She couldn’t give Jason back 10 years of memories even if she wanted to. No matter how much she explained, she could never explain it all. Not in a way for him to really understand, to really know. The memories she had were colored by her experiences, her feelings, her perspectives. Sure they overlapped with his, but Jason's memories had been uniquely his and no one could give that back to him.

She recalled Dr. Glennon’s words.

The best advice I can give you is to look at this as a new start. A new beginning and go from there.

Suddenly she knew what she had to do. What they had to do. She only hoped that she could convince him of it as well.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. His eyes held hers unwaveringly. “You’re right. We. . .I. . .have been treating you like a child. And you certainly don’t deserve it.”

The tension dissipated from him at her words. And so did the hostility. “I just. . . .”

“I know,” she said, nodding in understanding. “It’s your life. You have the right to ask about it. And to have people give you answers. Especially the people who care about you.” She drew in a deep breath. “But just think about it for a minute Jason. Are you ready?”

“What?”

“15 years is a long time. A lot can happen in 15 years. A lot of good things, but bad things too.” She looked away briefly before making eye contact again. “Are you ready to deal with all that? The ups, downs. . .the good, the bad. . .everything?”

He glanced away, his expression uncertain. “I want you to understand why Dr. Glennon advised us against telling you about the past. Sometimes, things happen that are just too hard to deal with. But at least you get time to deal with it. No one has ever had to deal with 15 years of. . .everything all at once.”

He looked down, and fidgeted with the clasps of the brace on his leg. “I still want to know. I need to know.”

She sighed. “O.K.”

He looked at her in surprise. “O.K.?”

She nodded. “You have a right to know.”

“But?”

“I just. . .” She shook her head. “Will it change anything?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, doubtful. “Remember when I told you that you and Tyler were close? Did that change how you felt about him? Did that make you instantly like him or even see him as your brother?"

He pondered her words and she could see that they were having an effect. “No.”

“So how would anything else be any different? Just knowing something isn’t going to change how you feel. About anything. . .or anyone.”

“It might,” he said stubbornly.

“Yeah,” she conceded. “And it might also just make things more confusing. Can you handle that?”

More fidgeting with the clasps. “I-I. . . .don’t know.”

Relief washed over her at the opening he gave her. She was hoping he would at least give her this much to work with. She did want to tell him. She knew she needed to. But she didn’t know where to start or even what to say. 10 years was too much time. And they had been through so much.

But the solution that had come to her in that moment of desperation and helplessness had given her a way. As much as she knew she should tell him, she just wasn’t ready. She didn’t know if her heart could take it if she were to tell him and have him look at her like he was trapped. Or worse yet, with no emotion at all. She was sure that would destroy her completely.

But this, if she could convince Jason of it, gave her a way to give Jason what he wanted, but without destroying herself in the process. It seemed like the only solution that might work for both of them. The only solution she knew that would let her protect her heart a little. “How about another compromise then?”

He looked at her warily. “Does it involve a nurse?”

“No nurse involved,” she said, smiling. “And speaking of, I just wanted to say I appreciate you limiting your, uh, attitude problem to just Tyler.”

“Attitude problem?”

She waved her hand in dismissal. “Argument for another time.”

“Can’t wait,” he said wryly.

“So the compromise?”

He sighed. “Let’s hear it.”

She took a deep breath. “We stop worrying about the past.”

“What? That’s not-”

“Just hear me out, O.K.?” she cut in. “Look, Jason, obviously the past is important. I’m not saying we forget it. I’m just saying that, for now at least, we stop worrying about it. Let’s focus on now. This moment, right here, right now. We focus on getting you well.”

“But that’s-“

“And if the past comes up,” she continued. “If it comes up in the natural order of things, we’ll deal with it then. But we deal with it from the perspective of the present.”

“And that means what?”

“That means that from now on, if you have a question about the past, I’ll answer it. Or Tyler will. Or whoever. We won’t actively try to keep it from you. But you don’t actively try and seek it out either.”

“How can I not actively seek it out? I lost 15 years of my life, Megan!”

“But you still have the rest of your life ahead of you,” she said gently. “And if you spend most of your time looking backwards, you won’t get anywhere.” She looked down at her hands. “When you were in the hospital, in that coma, all I was praying for was for you to wake up, Jason. I wanted you to wake up and get another chance at life.” She looked at him and could see that her words were making an impact. “You got that second chance. This is a new start for you. Don’t waste it by looking back.”

“It’s not that easy,” he said quietly.

“I know. That’s why I promise there won’t be any more avoidance. But I want you to move ahead too. It’s not gonna do anyone any good to have you trying to piece the last 15 years of your life together.”

“I just can’t. . .”

“I get it. I do.” She met his gaze, not bothering to censor the emotions she knew was playing across her features. “But you have to understand that whatever happened in those 15 years, for a lot of people, that’s in the past. It’s been dealt with. And dredging it all up again, having to deal with it all over again, it’s. . .it’s hard. For everyone.”

“Including you?” he asked quietly, green eyes blazing with understanding.

“Yes,” she said, and involuntarily winced when her voice cracked on that single word. She drew in a deep breath to get her emotions in order. Falling apart now would do no one any good.

He stared absently at the TV screen for several long minutes. “And me moving ahead, is that gonna be by myself?” He looked back at her. “Or with you?”

She wanted desperately to say ‘with me’ but she had to be brutally honest now. That was her only hope. Their only hope. “Both.”

He nodded, taking her answer in. “So if I agree, if questions come up, you’ll tell me?”

“I’ll tell you. Or whoever else will tell you.” She met his gaze, sending him a silent plea. “But you promise to try and move ahead with your life. Live for the now, for this moment.”

He sighed heavily. “One last question.”

“O.K.”

“Are you gonna stop avoiding me?”