What He Explores (What He Wants, Book Twenty-One) (18 page)

You know you want to hear her voice. The rest is just noise and bullshit.

“What is your damage, soldier?” I muttered to myself. “Do you have a major malfunction? Is this one piece of pussy so different from the millions of others?”

Sir, yes sir.

I ignored my own thoughts. I would rather die than allow someone like Caeli have her life ruined by involving herself with someone like me. I had no fucking future.

She deserved far, far better than I could ever provide.

I wasn’t going to ever see Caeli Powers again no matter what, and tonight I would ensure that fact by officially moving on and railing some new pussy.

Out the door, fresh air, and then I was taking a cab to my usual spot because I didn’t want to deal with driving. I was just coming off my first bender of the day, but I knew I was preparing for another epic one.

I shook hands with the bouncer as I went into the bar.

People waved to me, bartenders, servers, a few folks playing pool. They didn’t know my story, didn’t know where I came from. They just knew me as the backyard brawler who occasionally liked to come in and get fucked up before bagging a hot broad for the end of the night.

I sidled up to the bar and threw down some cash. “Keep ‘em coming, Les,” I said to the young guy pouring a Sam Adams into a glass.

“The usual?” he asked.

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” I replied. I smiled widely, anticipating the obliteration of my faculties, the forgetting of my past—and especially, the forgetting of my recent history with this girl who was spinning my head around like a top.

I caught the glance of three chicks down the end of the bar, two of them decent enough, one super hot. And hot damn if all three of them didn’t look my way and give me that look—that look I knew oh so well.

Down. To. Fuck.

Les put a beer and a shot down in front of me. “Tell those three ladies down the end that their next round is on me, okay?” I said.

He grinned. “God, I wish I was you for just one day.”

“No, you don’t,” I said, picking up the shot glass and throwing back the contents in one swift motion.

I sighed, feeling the familiar burn in the back of my throat. I picked up my beer and watched as Les went down the other end of the bar and told the three ladies about my offer to buy their next round.

They shot each other meaningful looks and began whispering. Then one of them waved at me.

Les took their drink orders.

I stood where I was, raised my beer and then took a long sip. It was cold and good.

A strange emptiness floated through me as I thought about the girl, the one I was trying to forget. I wouldn’t say her name, but my stomach tightened as I thought about just turning around, walking out of this shitty dive bar and calling her from outside.

The sound of her voice would be a relief.

Soldier, you better goddamn focus. The mission is the three little hotties down the end of the bar. That is the motherfucking mission, now shut your whining mouth and get down to business.

So I did. I drank a few more shots and then the three women came to me, just like I knew they would.

“Hey,” the sexiest one said. “Thanks for the drink,” she said.

“Welcome,” I replied.

“You look familiar,” one of her friends said. “Are you in movies?”

“I’m not an actor, I just play one on TV,” I replied.

They stared uncomprehendingly at me.

“It’s a little joke,” I said, winking, and they all began giggling and one of them put her hand on my bicep and remarked how strong I was.

“So you’re like—a professional athlete then?”

I had to laugh.

This was going to be like shooting fish in a barrel. The only question left to be answered was whether or not I would fuck all three of them at once, or one after the other.

It was rare to find three girls willing to get turned out all at once in the same night, but it wasn’t impossible.

Nothing’s impossible
, I thought.

And the way they were staring at me, and the looks they were exchanging—not to mention how willing they were to throw the drinks back—told me that I was probably in luck.

About an hour later, one of them shoved her tongue down the others’ throat, and before I knew it, all three of them were making out right in front of me.

Les was shaking his head in awe from behind the bar, while I laughed.

After their little display ended, I tossed some cash on the bar and then turned to my three ladies. “Whose place? Yours or mine?”

“We’re at the Hilton around the corner,” the hot one said.

“Yours it is,” I said, and we left.

Not five minutes later, we were walking into their hotel room, and shit was about to go down. I had done everything right, and now the mission was about to be accomplished.

I’d gotten fucked up.

I’d landed three hot ladies who were down to fuck.

Now I just needed to do the fucking—my specialty.

“Are you as big as you look?” someone asked, I didn’t care who.

“You’re about to find out, hon,” I replied, pulling my shirt off.

They gasped at my tattoos.

As one of them went to touch my bare chest, I instantaneously reacted, without even thinking. My hand shot out and grabbed her wrist, stopping her from making contact with my skin.

“Hey,” she said, her face contorting.

“Don’t.” I let go and she withdrew.

It suddenly occurred to me that this mission was actually a big fucking failure. I stared at these three women who wanted to suck and fuck but didn’t know the first damn thing about me, didn’t care and never would.

And I realized that I hadn’t forgotten about Caeli. Not even close.

My cock was hard, but it wasn’t hard for any of them. I didn’t even want to touch them or have them lay a finger on me.

I was rock hard because I was thinking about her.

I was remembering her body, her skin, her tits. But not just her body. I was also remembering that smile, those eyes that seemed to see right into me and didn’t shy away, weren’t afraid of my darkness.

What the fuck was I doing in this shitty hotel room? Why was I trying to throw away the one good thing that I’d found since coming home from Afghanistan?

“Hey, what’s wrong—“ one of the girl said.

“I need to go,” I said, pulling my shirt back on, turning and starting to leave.

“What the hell? You don’t want this?” one of them said.

I glanced back at her bare titties. “They’re nice,” I said, “but they’re just tits, hon.”

And then I was leaving as they shouted profanities after me.

When I got outside the hotel, I thought about calling Caeli, but decided against it. She wouldn’t want to hear from me and I knew it.

I’d hurt her badly.

I was rapidly sobering up, and I knew that this needed to be said in person. I went to the cabstand out front and got in a cab, told them the address to take me.

As we drove toward the other end of town, I looked out the window and thought about what was happening to me.

For a long time now, I’d been absolutely certain that the person I’d been in the past was gone. Completely gone, destroyed and never to return.

But for the first time since I’d seen my best friends murdered and blown apart in a foreign country, there was a small part of me that felt like myself again.

It was so tiny a fragment that I wasn’t even altogether sure that it was real, but just the fact that I thought it might be real was enough to turn my world upside down.

Maybe I was coming back to something inside that had been buried but not completely incinerated. The other vets had told me it was possible—some guys never came back to reality, never were anything like the men they’d once been…but others somehow bounced back.

The verdict was still out on me, but this was the first moment I’d ever wondered which kind of guy I might be.

Soon, we arrived at her apartment. There were still lights on up there, and I smiled a little, imagining her in there, perhaps sitting on her couch watching TV or maybe in bed reading a book.

I would have liked to just be able to look in on her, watch from afar, make sure she was safe and that nobody would ever hurt her.

Getting out of the cab, I told the cab driver not to wait for me, even though I knew there was every possibility Caeli was going to tell me to take a flying leap.

A smarter man than me would’ve at least told the driver to keep the fare running and hang tight while I pled my case. But I wasn’t that smart, and as I watched the taxi speed off down the street, break lights flashing twice before it disappeared, I laughed a little to myself.

Whatever else, I wasn’t going to be half-assed and keep the cab waiting. I’d walk home if necessary.

Moving up the steps to the door, I knocked and then buzzed.

After that, I stepped back and looked up. I saw her come to the window and look down but couldn’t see the expression on her face.

A few moments later, the window opened. “You need to leave,” Caeli called down to me.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” I asked.

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “You should go, Zack.”

“I’ll go,” I said, “but first I just want to see you. Just a minute, Caeli, and then if you still want me to leave, I will.”

“No, Zack. Just forget it, I’m not speaking to you.”

The window shut.

I looked up and waited for her to reappear but she didn’t.

I thought about leaving, since it was very obvious that Caeli wanted not part of me after what had gone down between us. And I couldn’t blame her one bit.

But I also wasn’t ready to give up. I stood there, not moving. I remembered my time in basic training, how there were days where we would march and march until people around me were dropping like flies.

I would never drop. I didn’t then and I wouldn’t now.

I would do what I did whenever things got tough, and just suck it up and stick it out.

Standing completely still, a strange sense of peace came over me. I remembered my brothers in arms, their faces, the ones we’d lost…and I smiled a little. My mind floated back to that earlier time, basic training before we’d been shipped overseas.

Everyone had looked so young. Maybe it was just innocence. The laughter, playing cards, shooting the shit, even the arguments—what I wouldn’t have given to have my friends back and alive and my side once again.

My feet never moved, my spine stayed straight. Standing there as if at attention, I imagined my drill sergeant screaming in my face. If I gave up and walked away now, I was just dropping, quitting on what I believed.

And what I believed in was Caeli Powers. I wanted to see her again, talk to her again, tell her the truth.

I wasn’t sure how much time went by, maybe an hour, maybe more. All I knew was that eventually the front door opened and she was standing in front of me, looking more beautiful than I even remembered.

She was wearing light pajama pants and a Boston University t-shirt, her hair pulled back. Her big eyes watched me with caution as she shivered and rubbed her arms.

“Zack, what are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting,” I answered.

“For what?”

“You,” I said simply.

She shook her head. “There’s no point. I’m sorry, but it’s just…I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“I have something to say,” I told her.

She bit her lower lip, sexy as hell, and looked down. “I don’t think I want to hear it.”

“Maybe you’re afraid you’ll feel something if you actually listen to me,” I replied.

When she looked up, her expression was furious. “You’ve been drinking. Tomorrow after you’ve slept it off--”

“Listen to me, Caeli,” I said. “I know that the way I treated you before was wrong, but I’m going to show you it can be different. Just give me one day. One more day and let me prove—“

“No,” she said, glaring.

I moved towards her, walking up the steps. “Then just give me one last kiss,” I said.

She stared up at me, her lower jaw trembling with emotion, and I couldn’t help but reach out and caress her chin with my thumb.

“Zack,” she whispered, her eyes looking watery suddenly. “You can’t just toy with people.”

“I’m not playing with you, I swear. Give me one day to prove it.”

“Fine,” she said. “Come back tomorrow.” She stepped back to close the door and I blocked it with my foot. I pushed it open.

“I want my goodnight kiss,” I told her.

She stared at me, her plush lips glistening. “Fine, one kiss,” she said. “But that’s it, and I’m serious.”

“I’m serious too,” I replied, and then I leaned in, my hands instinctively grabbing her around the waist as our lips finally met once more.

I felt like I’d been waiting my entire life for this moment, felt like I finally had a grip on the first real thing I’d found since God knew when.

I didn’t want to let her go, and as I felt her melting into me, our lips searched more intently, our tongues meeting, intertwining as our bodies pressed closer still.

When we pulled away, she swallowed. “Want to come upstairs?” she asked, her voice softer.

“Yes,” I answered.

C
AELI

H
e slid inside me again
, both of us groaning as his enormity fit between my legs.

We were in my bedroom, lying in my bed together, and Zack’s naked body was on top of me as I spread myself for him, opening to him.

Our bodies were slick with sweat.

My nipples were hard and covered with his saliva. He’d licked and sucked them for so long, until I’d cried out for him.

And then his mouth had been between my legs, his tongue effortlessly stroking me, making me come.

Now that he was fucking me, I shuddered with emotion and pleasure. His body felt even better than I remembered it, and all I could do was hold onto him, let him take me wherever he would take me.

My hands roamed across the hot flesh of his muscular torso, watching in awe as the glistening ink on his chest and shoulders rippled as his muscles contracted and released, contracted and released while he fucked me, making me cry out.