What is the Matter with Mary Jane? (2 page)

[
To audience
] See what she's doing to me? She wants me to be fat and ugly? Why? Well, that's it then. From now on I'll do all my cooking and shopping by myself.

SANCIA
goes to the garage where she keeps her exercise equipment. She picks up punishing equipment as she berates herself in the mirror. The coaching is becoming vicious, and there is a very distinct cruel voice appearing.

JOGGING

You are a guts Sancia… you are a glutton… you are a pig… sitting up to the trough with your little trotters on the table… snuffling your food like a hairy piglet.

You actually wanted to eat that ice-cream, didn't you?
Wanted to swallow the lot.
You would haven eaten the plate if you could.
You cannot be trusted.

I will have to keep my eye on you.
I will have to watch you every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

Because you are weak Sancia.
Weak and lazy.
Gross. You are vile.
You are a sinful, pathetic disgrace.
You have no self control.
A spineless coward who wants to give in.

Well that won't happen while I'm in charge.
From now on you are under arrest.
And you will be punished.
You will eat dirt if I tell you to.

Because we are at war.
We are on a long march.
Through hard times.
Through a vale of sorrows.
With an unfavourable wind blowing at our backs.
And an evil star at our shoulders.
No pain, no gain kiddo.
Just do it.

Hang on a minute… who are you?
You, of course.
Where are we going?
Zero.

EXCUSES

Phone rings.

Oh hi Gen.
Dinner?
Who's going?
Is it just you and me? Oh everyone's going.
Will there be boys there?
They're not?
Good.
Where are you going?
Oh… Domino's…
Oh gee, Gen, you know I'd really love to come but…

I just ate.
I'm allergic to cheese.
I was once sick on pizza and I've never been able to eat it since.
I'm a vegan.
I promised to have dinner at home.
I can't eat this late at night.
I'm no allowed to eat anything with oil in it.
I'm diabetic.
I've decided I'm not eating any more junk food.
I have some weird stomach bug.
I've just been jogging.
A whole lot of us have decided to boycott Domino's… it's a political thing, something about guerilla fighters and the Gaza Strip.
I'm have bowel tests tomorrow morning so I can't eat. Yes what a shame.
I have to study.
I'm diabetic… Oh, I said that already?
I have to babysit my brother.
I've ground down my teeth so I can't eat meat.
I'm going to the pictures with Mum.
I have to wash my hair.
The cat's sick, got to catch the vomit.
Er… I have to wash the car?
I have to rearrange all my underwear in very big baskets according to their size and colour… lots of baskets…

Look Gen… I'm just not hungry… OK?
Have a good time.
Bye.

SANCIA
hangs up the phone and stands, lonely and lost. She goes to her desk and opens her books but can't do anything.

[Muttering under her breath
] Maybe I could go later? No, no, work, work, work, you need to work.

Again she tries to work but can't. She talks to her ‘other self'.

I was wondering when I could go out again?
You already go out.
No, I mean out, out.

Well, where?
To a film.
Someone's made a film on year 11 Physics, have they?

Can I go to a party?
I'm sorry, but not with that acne all over your face.
Where?

I can see a pimple.
What about a book? Can I read a book?
If you think you can take time off study it's up to you. I don't care if you fail.

Maybe I'll phone Gen.
Who wants to listen to you?
But she is my best friend.

WAS, you mean. Don't you know everyone thinks you're weird?
Well, I was invited on a bushwalk.
Yeah, everyone will get a good laugh at lunch when you pull half a lettuce and ten raisins out of your backpack.

I could fly a kite for a bit.

What use is that to anyone? There are people starving in Africa, you know.

Hey… I could go for a bike ride. That burns up heaps of calories.

Now you're talking… 50 ks should do it.

Hmmm… well, I guess I'll do more study.

What about your sit ups, lazy bones?

Alright, how about I do 250?

Good girl.

But when will I be allowed to stop all this?

When you're perfect.

IN THE TOILET

SANCIA
stands up and addresses the audience again.

Well hey… if you can't leave the house, you may as well chuck down a couple of laxatives…or forty… and enjoy a good night in.

SANCIA
is now sitting on a toilet, looking like she might be there for quite a while. She reads things on the back of the toilet door.

‘What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Thanks Mum… hmm I'm going to put my Grumpy Cat and LOL Cats pictures up.

She sighs, bored.

SANCIA
looks at a pile of trash magazines.

Oh well if you're stuck in a toilet for a billion years you can always make yourself feel a trillion times worse by reading TRASH MAGS—cos if you didn't feel trashed about yourself before you started—you will by the time you're through—TRASH MAGS! Let's see. [
She pulls them up one by one.
] What do we have have hmm, body shaming, body comparing, body shaming, body comparing. Ah! Here we go—Miranda Kerr! Stand by for some wisdom… hmm… health tips, check this one out—apparently to look like Miranda Kerr all I have to do is be dairy free, carb free, gluten free, sugar free, meat free, no. No—Miranda Kerr looks like Miranda Kerr because of genetics—and Photoshop.

SANCIA
thinks about this.

To be honest—I have never understood why someone would want to be a model. What? Do you just wake up one morning and think, ‘Hey, I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, I want to change my clothes 100 times a day and walk up and down in time to music.' Talk about an underachiever.

SANCIA
keeps flicking.

Ooooooh here's my favourite… Diary of a Model. This will be good!

SANCIA
smiles and prepares to read.

This is sure to be what happens in real life cos these things never lie…

SANCIA
turns into a ‘dumb model' stereotype.

Monday… off to Paris for a Chanel parade.

5 am: Got up, spent two hours examining face for pimples; plucked eyebrows; shaved armpits; waxed legs; changed hair colour; practiced looking bored.

7 am: Ate cornflake.

One minute past seven: Threw up.

Five minutes past seven: Did one thousand sit-ups; caught cab to airport. Accidentally fell down grate in car park.

10 am: Rescued by SWAT team who pulled me out with magnet on my belly button ring. Lucky I didn't get my nipples pierced!

11 am: Wow! Sat next to Mick Jagger in first class… I mean, so what, sat next to Mick in first class…

Five minutes past eleven: Mick fell asleep and dribbled on my Armani jacket. Erghh… even though he ‘moves like Jagger' he is still a million years old.

Spent next 12 hours flying to Paris trying to do crossword.

Hmm… what's a four letter word meaning: ‘Any substance containing nutrients such as carbohydrates, proteins and fats which can be eaten by a living organism and metabolised into energy and body tissue?'

Too hard… filed nails instead.

7 pm: Backstage at Chanel… make-up team arrive with sticky tape, Spakfilla, scaffolding, and orbital sander.

9 pm: I've made it! Here I am on the Paris catwalk, under the glare of a million flashbulbs.

10 pm: Taken to Paris hospital with temporary blindness and two detached retinas.

Midnight: A great day. I lost weight! Yay for me!

BITCH!

SANCIA
picks up another magazine, very annoyed.

My mother is obsessed with this idea that I have an eating disorder, so she's always leaving magazines like this lying around ‘accidentally on purpose'.

What's this? ‘TEN TELL-TALE SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER'. Well, let's just have a look at this shall we?

1. SEVERE WEIGHT LOSS

Look, I just have this incredibly fast metabolism… I eat heaps, as much as I like, more than most people. I just burn off heaps when I'm under stress. I was overweight anyway, so it's not like it was severe. Some people are genetically thin. Look at the celebrities… they just totally pig out. I didn't even think about my weight… it just fell off.

2. CHANGES IN THE PATTERN OF MEALTIMES

It's just a Western concept anyway, the idea that we all eat together like a herd of cows. Look, I'm just one of those people who doesn't eat breakfast, and I'm always so busy at lunchtime, I forget to eat… and you get really bad nightmares if you eat late at night. All the experts say: ‘Always go to bed hungry' and how much money do they make? As all the eastern philosophers say: ‘Follow your instincts'. And mine just tell me to eat a lot of lettuce and drink Coke Zero.

3. OBSESSIVE PREPARATION OF FOOD

I just love to cook… that should tell you something. I love being around food. And you know how it is when you cook, often you just aren't hungry when the meal in on the table. But I do love to watch people eat. It's part of life. I mean I never miss an episode of
Masterchef
. I don't like anyone else to prepare my food for me… it's a ritual thing and I just want to make sure there aren't any toxins in my body.

4. IRRATIONAL AMOUNTS OF EXERCISE

I am a really uptight person and if I don't exercise I just get relly batty. Besides if you don't exercise, you just end up getting osteoporosis. Everyone knows that. Look at the footy players, those guys spend seven hours in the gym… you could say that's irrational but they are hardly anorexic. I think the person who wrote this article could be irrational.

5. CONSTANT CHEWING OF GUM

Dentists
recommend
you chew gum! What do I not brush my teeth now too? Besides, chewing gum is loaded with sugar. Sure it's artificial but it's still sugar… so that just proves I don't have a problem with my weight.

6. PICKING FROM THE FRIDGE

What's wrong with that? But little brother does it. I just like to taste food. So right… now you're saying you don't want me to eat. This is stupid.

7. BAD BREATH

What, am I perfect?

8. LAXATIVE ABUSE

My grandma takes laxatives. Are we going to haul her off to hospital are we? Sometimes I have trouble going to the toilet… lots of people do. I suppose if I had lots of money I could go and have a colonic flush every day—that's where they flush out your bowels with water—how gross is that?

9. IRREGULAR OR NON EXISTENT MENSTRUATION

My period was never regular… and lots of people lose their periods under stress. I hate these articles… I mean, what's regular anyway? This person should define their terms.

10. CHANGES IN BEHAVIOUR

Oh, right. Let's take everyone in the whole world off to hospital then.

SANCIA
throws the magazine down visciously. She is furious.

Anyway I'm just growing up and don't like doing the things I used to do. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad. I suppose I could always have a lobotomy.
I just focus on different things at different times… I've always been like that. I'm just private. I don't like the whole world knowing everything about me.
And I especially don't like people walking around with dumb magazine articles like this and spying on me and watching everything I do.

SANCIA
is now very distressed, shouting; she is trapped and knows she is sick now.

There is nothing wrong with me, it's just a stage I'm going through.
The only problem with me is that I'm too fat.
So get off my case… leave me alone!

IN THE MIRROR

SANCIA
poses in the mirror… she discovers her hair is falling out, her teeth are rotting, her skin is transparent and a light fur is growing on her arms and face.

She is extremely weak and wearily climbs into her bed.

HOSPITAL

Uh oh…

I've really done it this time. I'm in hospital.

The embarrassing thing is… there's nothing wrong with me.
Well, nothing that a sausage roll wouldn't fix.
If I could eat a sausage roll.
If I could eat anything.
But I can't.

Mum's bought me a new nightie.
I don't need a new nightie.
The girls will come and visit me sitting up in bed in my new nightie.
They'll bring flowers and cards… they won't bring a box of chocolates.

‘Don't be stupid… she won't eat chocolates. They're fattening… she won't eat anything fattening, moron. Anyway she's really sick. Buy her something she'll like. Buy her twenty packets of Extra.'

What will they think when they find out it's only Anorexia Nervosa.
They'll hate me.
I wish I had cancer of something.
Or a tumour
Maybe a hole in the heart.

I must have a hole in the heart

To make everyone worry like this.
I'm going to put on weight just lying here.
They want to keep me here to fatten me up
Like a battery pig.

I hate being here
I want to go home.
Oh no.
Visitors…

Hello everyone.
Lovely to see you.
Great, I feel fine… I'm just a little bit tired.
They're doing some tests in the morning.
Thanks for the Extra.
But I can't eat after 8 pm.
Not that that will be a problem.
Ha ha ha.

I can't believe I actually laughed
Right in their faces
They were all sitting here with sad faces
And I laughed.
I wish I could die.

So, Doc… how am I doing?
Hair falling out
Scaly skin
Loose teeth
Slow pulse
Hypoglycaemia
Periods stopped
Tooth enamel wearing off
Fungus in the fingernails
Dehydration
Constipation
Malnutrition
And I have fur growing on my body…
Yeah… but apart from that…
How am I?