What Matters Most (19 page)

“Please,” Nick whispered, his voice cracking despite his best effort to keep it steady.

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Josh shook himself, forcing his attention from the hand pressed to Nick’s ass, the sight of his cockhead gleaming in the moonlight, leaving slick trails on Nick’s skin. Nick was looking at him with such a pleading expression, his body trembling from fear or need. Josh wasn’t sure which, but with the way Nick had clenched and kind of stopped breathing when Josh had traced over his ass hole, Josh was leaning towards fear.

“What am I doing?” Josh took his hand off Nick’s fuzzy butt and stepped back, his cock already going soft. Had he really been about to take Nick here like some cheap trick? He doubted he’d have been content with merely rubbing off on the man once he’d felt the tight clamp of Nick’s ass around his fingers. As close to mindless as he’d been, Josh was very much afraid he would have fucked the man bare, rough and hard and without thought to the fact that Nick was, in this at least, a virgin. Thank God he’d stopped when he could.

“Josh?”

The quiver in Nick’s deep voice coiled around Josh’s heart, scooping up a few of the broken bits and sliding them back in place. How could he have treated the man like this even with the way Nick had acted? You didn’t treat someone you loved like this, using them to purge yourself of anger and pain. And he did love Nick, Josh knew it, had for some time although he wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone else. Josh took another step back, fumbling with his limp dick and stuffing it back in his jeans. “I’m sorry, I can’t—” Josh shook his head, wishing he could see Nick’s eyes clearly. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Nick’s back heaved as he turned and rubbed his forehead against the door. Josh

thought he was muttering something but the words were too soft for him to make out. After another shudder racked Nick’s body, he stood and hitched up his jeans and underwear, keeping his back to Josh.

After a long moment of silence broken only by rasping breaths, Nick shifted and straightened his shoulders. “Josh.”

Josh couldn’t answer, not when it seemed this moment was held together by such

fragile gossamer threads. Surely his voice would break them and whatever this was between them right now, this strange, taut truce, would be irreparably broken. Nick turned and held WHAT MATTERS MOST

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out his hand, his fingers trembling. “Come here, please.” His face was a portrait of shadows, shades of grey and black Josh couldn’t see through to the expression underneath. Josh shook his head once, a jerky move that pinched at the muscles in his neck.

“No, I don’t think—” he sighed and looked away from the tempting hand. “I should leave, let you go back to your—your friend.”

“That’s all he is,” Nick said, his voice, unlike the rest of him, steady and sure. “Adam is only a friend, nothing more. We haven’t done anything since he groped me the first time and I ran.” Nick took a step forward, his boots scraping the asphalt. Josh kept his gaze on those boots, his heart thudding as they came closer still. “He wasn’t
you
,” Nick murmured, and Josh wanted to believe him, wanted to think they could get past all that was between them. “I couldn’t touch him, didn’t want anyone else to touch me because none of them were
you
.”

The boots were so close to his own. Josh could feel the heat rolling off Nick’s body, sinking into his skin and warming all the cold places that ached inside.

“Josh.” Nick’s breath gusted across Josh’s cheek.

Josh found the courage to tip his head up and look at the man who had the power to break him. Nick was so handsome in the moonlight, his rough features softened, his lips glistening, promising, tempting.

“Why?” The anger he’d felt consuming him had softened faster than his dick, leaving him confused and aching. He studied Nick’s dark eyes, looking for a clue. “Why did you leave? Why didn’t you answer my calls or texts, or even the letters from Rory and Annabelle?

I can understand if you don’t w-want me, but…” Josh stopped, afraid he’d lose it if he continued. He couldn’t understand if Nick didn’t want him, not really, not when the attraction flowed so strongly between them.

Work roughened fingers cupped his chin when Josh tried to drop his head down. He didn’t want Nick to see his eyes, which surely had to be shining with unshed tears. Josh let his face be cradled in those warm fingers, but dropped his eyelids down until he could barely see. It was the only way he could hide.

Where to start, Nick wondered as he thrilled at the feel of Josh’s skin against his hand.

And what letters was he talking about? Nick had an uneasy thought; his mother was WHAT MATTERS MOST

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desperate to lay claim to Ian Calhoun’s home. She would do anything to remain there, including ensuring he had no contact with his half siblings. That was a lesser matter, though, when he was finally able to touch the man who’d etched himself so deeply inside Nick’s heart.

“I was afraid,” he admitted, his voice gruff. Real men weren’t scared of anything, were they? He’d been told that often enough, by Antonia and Ian, but what did either of them know besides greed and manipulation? Josh’s eyelids flickered but he didn’t look at Nick, not yet. Nick stroked the firm jawline, heat coiling in his belly as his fingers rasped over patches of fine hair. “I cared too much, and I thought you didn’t, couldn’t, not after all the shit I put you through. Then I was just too proud, and”—he sighed, knowing if Josh didn’t already think him a total asshole, he soon would—“it made me feel good to have you chasing me, to be able to ignore you and maybe hurt you like I was hurting.”

It was petty and immature and just plain mean, but it was the truth, and Josh

deserved to know the man he had wanted.

Josh finally looked up at him, those wide eyes shimmering. “You did, every time you ignored me, but that wasn’t as bad as seeing you with that—” Josh averted his eyes, hiding under thick lashes and blue veined lids. “With your friend.”

Nick couldn’t stand the pain he’d put into that sweet tenor any more than he could tolerate the tears that slipped down to streak Josh’s cheeks. Walking away might be better for Josh, but he couldn’t do it, not this time. “Josh.” Nick wanted to say it over and over, to reassure himself the man was really here and hadn’t walked away. He smoothed his hand down Josh’s neck, smiling when the smaller man shivered and tipped his head to the side, giving Nick more skin to touch.

Nick couldn’t resist such an offer. He slipped his other arm around Josh, pulling the man closer, then bent to nibble at the soft expanse of skin. Josh sighed and held Nick’s hips, his fingers clenching when Nick nipped at the pulse point he’d discovered. Nick licked the spot, the taste of Josh flooding his senses. His cock hardened more with each brush of tongue and teeth. Nick sucked gently at first, then with more force when Josh moaned and pressed against him. It was almost the same spot he’d marked before, but then he’d been playing a stupid game, and now…now he just wanted this man more than his next breath.

Nick sucked and lapped his way to the small fleshy lobe. His hands cupped Josh’s ass as he bit the flesh gently. Josh moaned and arched into him, rubbing his cock against Nick’s WHAT MATTERS MOST

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thigh. Nick used his knee to part Josh’s legs and slid one of his own between, giving the man more to leverage to hump. Josh’s hands slid over Nick’s flanks and gripped his ass hard, sending tingling heat from his fingertips to Nick’s hole and balls. He nipped Josh’s earlobe then licked the delicate shell, grinding against Josh’s taut stomach.

“We can’t do this,” Josh muttered even as he gripped Nick harder. “Not like this.”

Nick stilled, his lips brushing Josh’s ear. His fingers were sunk into the swells of Josh’s ass with enough force to bruise and he couldn’t make himself let go. “Not like this?” Nick asked, pulling Josh closer, pressing his thigh against the hard length. “I can’t let you leave me, not now—”

Josh’s breath hitched and he let go of Nick’s butt, wedging his hands between them to shove at Nick’s chest. “So, what? You want me to stay here, live with you on Calhoun’s ranch?” He snorted and shook his head. “How could that work, Nick? What can we really have if you’re going to stay here?”

“I don’t know,” Nick answered, unwilling to give up the desire raging inside him. He refused to be pushed away, prying one hand from Josh’s ass to clutch at the smaller man’s back. “I don’t have answers, I just—I need you, okay? I don’t deserve you,” and now Nick couldn’t stop the intrusion of reality those words brought with them. “I don’t know what we can have, if we can have anything more than tonight or however long you’re going to be here.” He couldn’t think beyond that, not when the idea of Josh leaving hurt so much.

Josh nodded and stopped struggling. “At least you’re being honest, even if I hate what you’re saying.”

Nick stroked Josh’s dark hair, marvelling at the silky texture. It was so different from his own thick mass. “I won’t lie to you. I don’t have any answers, but I want you.” Nick swallowed against the urge to protect himself, crushing Josh to him as if in doing so he could absorb the other man’s strength. “I want what I asked for before, to feel you in me.” Those were the hardest words to say, harder than ‘I’m sorry’ or anything else. They went against everything his mother had taught him, but he’d already concluded she didn’t know anything about him. He was only a means to an end to her. Maybe it was past time for him to think about what he wanted and needed instead of letting himself be manipulated. Maybe, with Josh here, he could find the strength to stand up for himself since he finally had something worth fighting for. Nick tipped Josh’s head back and kissed him, moaning at the first press of those plump lips, shivering as he delved his tongue into the warm opening.

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Sweet and addictive, Josh’s flavour rolled through him, settling in his cells and binding Nick to this one man. He’d find a way to make this work, or he’d walk away from the ranch if Josh would have him.

“Okay,” Josh breathed the word against Nick’s lips, easing some of the tension

niggling at him. He hadn’t thought Josh would say no, but he’d been wrong before too many times. “But not here. I won’t fuck you bare, and I won’t fuck you like some truck stop slut.”

Nick wouldn’t have minded, but Josh wanting to make this about something more

was sweet. As for the condom, well, Josh knew more about the risks than he did, and Nick would be an idiot to press the man to do anything Josh wasn’t comfortable with. It was only that Nick wanted to belong to him so badly, but that didn’t give him the right to put either of them at risk. He could, however, make a quick correction. “Rest area slut, but just yours.”

Nick bit at Josh’s kiss swollen lips then leant back until he could see the younger man clearly.

“I’m assuming you have a room somewhere. Will you take me there?”

Josh was nodding before he finished asking the question. Nick grinned and slid his hand in the younger man’s, happy to follow Josh anywhere.

Josh couldn’t remember being so nervous before in his life as he pulled into the hotel parking lot. Nick parked beside him, and even though Josh wasn’t over being hurt, he couldn’t deny either of them this time together. Whether it’d be more than that, he doubted.

Nick wouldn’t want to risk losing his inheritance; sure he liked Josh, but once Nick had his curiosity satisfied, he probably wouldn’t be able to get away fast enough.

And Josh would let him go this time, because he loved the big, stupid man.

Nick tapped at the window and Josh put the truck in gear. A quick turn of the wrist then he pulled the keys out and took a steadying breath. He opened the door as Nick stepped back then nearly broke himself in half when he tried to get out without unbuckling.

Nick snickered and came over, reaching around Josh and pressing the button. “Helps to take this off first.”

“It’s your fault for turning my brain into mush,” Josh said, smiling despite his embarrassment. Nick only smirked and took Josh’s arm as if to help him from the vehicle.

Josh gave the man an arch look but didn’t pull away; who knew how much longer he’d have WHAT MATTERS MOST

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to feel Nick’s touch? Nick didn’t step back when Josh got out, instead leaning into him. Josh glanced nervously around the parking lot. “Aren’t you afraid someone will see?”

“I’m tired of being afraid,” Nick answered, nuzzling Josh’s cheek. If Josh had had any defences left, that declaration would have demolished them. As it was, those words only reinforced the way Josh felt for the man. How could he not love Nick when he was allowing Josh to see his vulnerability?

Nick nudged his erection against Josh’s hip. “Please tell me your room is close.”

Josh nodded and pointed towards his room only a few yards away as he considered

this new—to him at least—side of Nick. He was handing Josh the lead, asking, with that strong muscled body rubbing against his, for Josh to take control. It wasn’t a position Josh had found himself in often, and never as he’d been at the rest area, but he couldn’t deny he’d loved it even if it had scared him somewhat. Tucking his hand into Nick’s back pocket and giving his ass a good pinch, Josh tugged to get the man moving, shutting the truck door once they were both out of the way. The short walk to the room was made with hips bumping and shoulders rubbing, hands tangling and trying for quick gropes that nearly landed them both on their faces more than once.

“Hurry, hurry,” Nick urged, his hands plucking at Josh’s pockets. “Where’s the key card?”

“Wallet,” Josh mumbled around a mouthful of Nick’s neck. The man tasted so good, sweat and salt and that indefinable flavour that was only Nick. He felt Nick pull at his back pocket and would have laughed if it wouldn’t have meant he’d have to stop nibbling.