What the Dog Ate (35 page)

Mom still looked out of it, but at
least her face had gone from gray to beige. She barely turned up the corners of
her mouth and reached feebly for Maggie.

“Everybody’s been really worried.
And you’ve had quite the stream of folks through here. About five different
nurses, the pulmonary physician, the cardiologist, the hematologist, the neurologist,
and I think maybe even an ichthyologist.”

Maggie hadn’t expected her mom to
laugh, but she was hoping she’d say
some
thing.

“Mom, how are you feeling?” She
squeezed Mom’s hand and felt her squeeze back.

“Your father came for me,” Mom said
in a sandpaper voice.

Maggie blinked. She didn’t want to
cry in front of her mom while she was trying to lift her spirits. But now Mom
was talking about a whole other kind of spirits.

“Well, he’s just going to have to
wait. You’re not going anywhere yet, Mom.”

“I was ready. You should have let
me go.”

Even now, she
tells me I’m doing it wrong
. “Mom, they didn’t really give us the
option.”

~~~

The following Sunday they let
Maggie take Mom home. Maggie was surprised how chilly it was that early
December day. She brought Mom a cheerful wool cardigan embroidered with holly
for the car ride and cranked up the heat. It was the first time Maggie had
driven from the hospital that she’d registered the fake pine boughs and Happy
Holidays banners on the lampposts.

Mom must have noticed them too.
“You’ll have to help me finish my Christmas shopping, honey.” Her voice was
hoarse from so little use. “I did most of it last month, but I need a few more
things.”

“Mom, you need to concentrate on
getting well. We’ll worry about Christmas later.”

That night, after Maggie had Mom
settled in bed and asleep, Shannon called and offered to drive down with the
kids and help.

“No,” Maggie insisted. “I’m fine
here alone. Besides, you can’t really bring the kids right now. They’d be too
much for Mom. She needs quiet.”

“But it doesn’t seem fair. You’re
doing everything. And what about work?”

“Shay, it’s OK. Work’s getting
along without me. I’ve been calling them and doing some work over email on
Mom’s computer.”

James screamed in the background
and Shay said, “Better go; chaos reigns. I’ll come with the beasts when she’s
stronger. Call you tomorrow.”

The next day began the trial and
error process of figuring out what she could feed Mom that didn’t make her gag.
With the mix of prescriptions she was on, she constantly felt sick to her
stomach. Nothing sounded good, and since she couldn’t eat, she grew weaker and
light-headed.

After several days and several cans
of “nutritional” drinks down the drain (which Mom said tasted like chalk and
Maggie thought were a joke—sugar, corn syrup, and a list of things she couldn’t
pronounce being key ingredients), she discovered the only thing Mom could keep
down was one of her smoothies. She went to the health food store for protein
powder and brewer’s yeast to build up Mom’s strength. She tempted Mom’s taste
buds with different flavor combos: strawberry-banana, orange-mango,
kiwi-raspberry. She snuck some spinach and cucumber into the last one, taking
advantage of the sharp, tart taste of the berries to mask the spinach flavor
while upping the iron and Vitamin C.

Soon Mom was strong enough for
sitting up in bed and, the highlight of her week, having Maggie wash her hair
in the kitchen sink.

One day Maggie blended together a
smoothie with Asian pear and a hint of cranberry. She took it to Mom’s room at
lunch time, followed by Kona. Mom asked Maggie to sit with her. The shades were
still down so Maggie flipped on the small table lamp beside the bed.

“Do you know what day it is,
honey?”

“Sure, Wednesday, December fifth.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. It’s
the eve of Saint Nicolas Day.”

“I used to love Saint Nicolas Day;
used to love putting my shoes out the night before.”

“I know. Your father loved it too.”

“I couldn’t wait to wake up and
find all the little presents in my shoe.”

“Your Dad bought those presents. It
was all his idea.”

“Really? I never knew that.”

“Really. It was a tradition from
his grandma, and he wanted to share it with you kids.”

“Daddy was the best.” Maggie sat
watching Mom sip her smoothie through the red and white straw. “Can I ask you
something? Did you ever want to get remarried?”

“No, honey, I never did,” she said
without hesitation. “Not that I didn’t have the opportunity. Especially with
one man, Alfred. I guess about six or seven years after your father died. Must
have been six, because I started seeing him right after Kevin moved away to
college. Remember him? He came to Thanksgiving dinner that year.”

“I remember.” Maggie nodded. “He
was short and had glasses.”

“He was very sweet.”

“I remember he seemed nice. He
brought that huge centerpiece. We had to put the turkey and mashed potatoes on
the hutch because it took up so much room on the table.”

“That’s right. I’d forgotten about
that centerpiece.” Mom smiled, then continued. “He liked you kids.”

“He did? Wasn’t that the year Kevin
made Shay laugh so hard cranberry sauce came out her nose?”

Mom made her duck face. Maggie had
never been so happy to see that face; it meant Mom was well enough to get
irritated.

“Yes, that was that year. But he
liked you all
anyway
... He asked me to marry him
shortly after that.” Maggie opened her eyes wide at her mother. “He said he
loved me and wanted to take care of me. He said I could sell my shop if I
wanted. He owned a string of furniture stores. He had such a beautiful house,”
she added wistfully.

“How come you said no?”

“Well, I cared for him, but I
didn’t love him.”

“Weren’t you tempted to
try
to love him? You sure would’ve had it a lot easier.”
Mom had worked until the shop was too much for her weakening heart. Eventually
she’d sold the store and moved to Jacksonville where real estate was cheaper
and she could be near her own mother.

“I might have grown to love him. He
was tender, thoughtful. But, it wasn’t like with your father.” She looked down
at her hands and fingered the simple gold wedding band she’d never stopped
wearing. “I couldn’t forget what it was like with your father.”

Maggie’s eyes brimmed with tears.
“Daddy was one in a billion.”

“He was, honey. He sure was.” A
tear rolled down Mom’s cheek. Maggie plucked two tissues out of the box on the
nightstand and handed one to Mom.

“But, do you think it’s possible to
love more than one person? Or is it just the one shot? Did I screw up my one
shot?” She wiped away a tear about to plunge from her chin. She felt other
little lemming tears lined up behind it.

“Maggie, unfortunately, Dave was
not like your father.” Mom shook her head. “Your father and I had some tough
times, too.”

Maggie blinked at her.

“I know, I never told you kids.”
She folded and unfolded the tissue, smoothed it with her hands. “We didn’t have
much money at first, and with you and Shannon born so close together, well your
father was under a lot of stress trying to provide for us, and I wasn’t always
very patient. I could get so wrapped up in you kids. Sometimes I’m amazed he
didn’t just walk out. But he stayed. He loved me and he loved you kids. And I
know it seemed like Dave was the love of your life and you’d always be
together, but he wasn’t worthy of you. Things got a little tough, and what did
he do? He turned to another woman. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.”

“Really? But I thought you wanted
me to work it out with him?”

“I did, at first. I thought maybe
he’d just made a mistake and with some counseling you two could work things
out. But, there was nothing you could do. He made a mistake, all right. Walking
away from someone as smart and beautiful and caring as you.”

Maggie’s chin wobbled. She put her
head down on the patchwork quilt over Mom’s legs. She closed her eyes, hoping
to stop the tears. She felt Mom’s fingers running through her hair. She must
have been in grade school the last time Mom stroked her hair as she cried.

“There’s someone out there for you
who’s going to love you unconditionally.”

“You mean besides Kona?”

Mom laughed, “Yes, I mean besides
Kona.”

Kona sat up at the sound of his
name and rested his had on Maggie’s leg. She sat up too. “I made mistakes too
though, Mom. I see that now. And if I’m lucky enough to meet someone else, I’m
not going to take that person for granted like I did with Dave.”

“You just have to remember what’s
important. I know you’re going to be OK. And I know I said I’d be content when
all my kids are happily married, but, I really just want the ‘happy’ part. You
know, I’m very proud of you, Maggie.” Mom reached for her hand. “I know I’ve
pushed you hard sometimes, but I wanted you to get your degree and have a good
career. And now you do. It makes me feel good, knowing you can take care of
yourself, no matter what happens. I... I didn’t want you to be like me.”

“What do you mean ‘like you’? You
had a good career. You ran your own store. You did great. It can’t have been
easy raising us after Dad died. And you got us all through college.” Maggie
studied the road map of veins on Mom’s hand. “I’m proud of you too, Mom.”

They sat in silence for a moment,
then Maggie stood and kissed Mom on the forehead. “I think I’ve worn you out
enough for one afternoon. You’d better take a nap. In fact, I think I’ll take
one myself.” Maggie shut off the light and called Kona, who followed her out of
the room.

Maggie snuggled on the sofa under
the pale green and pink afghan Gram had crocheted ages ago. She finished her
smoothie while running her conversation with Mom over in her head.

I
am
going to be OK. If I find another man to love, who loves me too,
I’m going to work harder. Make sure he always knows he’s the most important
thing in the world to me. Even if I get a little crazy and caught up in work
now and then, I’ll make sure he knows he’s my top priority. And if I don’t meet
someone, well, that’ll be OK too. I’ll
figure out
what I want to be; what I want to
do
. And it’ll be
something I can get excited about. If I can get excited about it, then I know I
can make it a success—no matter what it is
.

She thought about how accounting
was like cleaning the bathroom. Sure, she could do a really excellent job at
it. She could make the bathroom sparkle, but it was just another chore. It
wasn’t something she could put her heart into. She’d been successful at
accounting without even really trying, so imagine what she could do if she
loved her work? And now she needed to figure out what that thing was... She
needed to think.

When Mom’s
well, I’ll go back and work at Clean N’ Green until I figure out what I want to
do. Or... maybe I should just go for it. Quit
. Really
give myself time to think
.

It was a scary thought, quitting;
just like breaking up with Brian had been scary at first.

She looked at Kona, sitting next to
the sofa, waiting for her to give him the glass to lick.

“Buddy, this is one time when I
haven’t been able to take my cues from you,” she said.

Kona was a slut who would give his
love to anyone who wanted it. He would
always
choose
to be with someone, anyone, over being alone. That was fine for dogs, but
somehow just not right for humans. She extended her theory about
relationships—that she shouldn’t simply pass the time with someone who was
great on paper, that she didn’t love—to her work.

She knew quitting was the right
thing to do now, just like breaking up with Brian had been the right thing. She
couldn’t keep hanging on to this career that was perfect, in theory, while
waiting for her dream to happen by. She was going to have to take a risk. Then
she’d be able to put the necessary time and effort into figuring things out.
She’d open herself up to the possibilities; be ready and waiting when she and
her dream job found each other.

She pictured herself and some
personification of her dream, a little like the Invisible Man, running towards
one another on an empty beach, into each others’ arms. She smiled at her silly
vision, and at her decision, then rolled onto her side and set her empty glass
down on the floor.

She closed her eyes and floated
into the blissful state between wakefulness and sleep. She heard the soft laps
of Kona’s tongue reaching into her glass. As she drifted off, Kona gave her a
darting lick on the end of her nose. His breath smelled of the bacon treat
she’d given him earlier, mixed with the sweet fruity tang of the smoothie.

She slept deeply and dreamt she was
putting bacon in the blender while Kona stood on the kitchen countertop next to
her, nodding his encouragement.

Maggie woke from her nap with the
seed of an idea. She watered and fed it the rest of the day. That afternoon she
got on Mom’s computer and downloaded a template for a business plan. Maggie
stayed up late after Mom fell asleep, filling page after page of Mom’s
stationery with ideas: business names, pricing, promotions, revenue and cost
estimates. She searched for commercial real estate online to see what rents
were like. She wanted to be sure she had good numbers in her plan. When she was
done with commercial real estate, she checked houses. She knew they would be
less than in California, but she was shocked at just how much cheaper they
were. She’d already estimated long ago what she expected to clear from the sale
of the house.
It wouldn’t go far on my own in
San Diego
, but here...