What We Knew (5 page)

It felt like it was shaping up to be one of those nights—one of the really good ones—with Adam spinning music on Trent’s turntable and everybody dancing and Trent keeping our cups full.

Then Lisa brought up Banana Man. She wanted to go back for her stupid necklace.

For once, Trent was the voice of reason: “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Gabe and Adam agreed. “You’re pretty wasted,” Gabe said.

Lisa staggered and flopped on the bed. “That freak’s got my necklace. I want my necklace.”

“He’s not real,” Trent groaned. “It was a joke. A really bad joke. Get over it.”

I dropped down beside Lisa and petted her head. Her face was wheeling, swirling, like one of those spin-art paintings. I lifted my head and tried focusing on Adam, but my eyes drifted toward Gabe, smiling sweetly, towering over everyone except Trent. If Gabe was a jolly giant, Trent was a sci-fi praying mantis. A six-foot creature with razor mandibles, tearing at Rachel’s face. I closed my eyes. I shouldn’t have smoked before drinking. When I opened them again, everyone had moved, including me.

We were in a circle on the floor, like children playing a game. Lisa had her head on Gabe’s shoulder, but her eyes were on Trent. Something sparked between them. Trent saw me looking and flashed a sick smile. The burden of knowing turned my stomach. Black ooze trickled through my brain. That’s when the circuit breaker in my head blew and everything went dark. I started crying. Lisa trying to calm me only made it worse. The world was out of control. I was out of control. Adam helped me to Trent’s brother’s bedroom, but the monster from my dreams was lurking in the corner. Mouth full of blades. Empty pits for eyes. Black blood drained from the sockets. It coated the floor and began to rise. Sticky and warm, it covered my feet, my ankles. My knees stung. Slick tendrils coiled my thighs.

I heard myself whimper,
No
.

“It’s okay,” Adam sang. “I’m right here.”

I put my mouth on his. I needed him to keep me from going under. I rested my hand on his zipper, but he gently moved it to his chest. Chewing his earlobe, I tried again.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Adam whispered. “Slow down … what’s the rush?”

I kept chewing, and Adam groaned. “You’re killing me,” he said, moving his mouth to mine. “If you don’t quit it, you might be sorry.”

I smiled and our teeth clicked. “Maybe I want to be sorry.”

Adam put his hands on my shoulders and stepped back. “I’m gonna get you some water,” he said. I slumped on the bed. The guy I didn’t love took what I wasn’t ready to give. Now the guy I loved was denying me a chance to erase the ugly shadow darkening my heart. Neither of them cared what I wanted. It was never about me. The room felt suddenly cold. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and slid to the floor, waiting for Adam. But he never came back. It was Lisa who brought me water. It was Lisa who helped me to Trent’s room to say good night. It was Lisa who took me home.

So much for Adam being right where I wanted him.

four

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject:
SOS

And now he’s dead. I killed him.

Everything is so messed up. Sex is so messed up. That’s why we did what we did. Because some creep couldn’t keep it in his pants. I can’t imagine wanting anything so badly that I’d hurt someone to get it. How can something that’s supposed to be a basic human need destroy people? It makes us do the craziest things. Look at Dad. I saw his girlfriend. I can’t believe he gave up Mom for
that
. What were you picturing? High heels? A syrupy laugh? Someone who made our father feel manly? Me, too. But she’s a troll.

Did I ever tell you about the time in third grade when Mrs. Lochman did a unit on the human body? Lisa ended up in the office because she had a meltdown when the film showed a cartoon boy and girl naked, side by side. I guess it was no big deal to me—growing up with a brother and all—but Lisa started crying. She was
that
shocked or embarrassed or whatever. But that’s my point: it’s supposed to be natural—sex—but it’s not. I mean it can be, I guess, but most of the time it’s so out of balance. Like with me and Adam. At first it was sweet the way he acted like he was controlling himself, just barely. Then there was this night in Trent’s brother’s bedroom. Adam didn’t want to fool around because I was wasted. I get it. But a few days later, when the time seemed really right, he was pushing me away again. It’s like our roles got reversed. It’s supposed to be the girl fighting off the guy, but every time we were alone, Adam got all … I don’t know. Is there a word for guys who are skittish about sex? (We all know the word for what I was being.) How can I feel like a prude one day and a slut the next? Maybe I’m both. Or maybe I’m just really messed up. I didn’t used to be. I’m not trying to be vague, but something happened. There was this jerk from Troy, and I think that’s what sent me over the edge tonight. I didn’t mean for the man in the woods to die. I just wanted to put the fear of darkness in him.

five

There’s something very trash-glam about hanging out in a diner all night. The one where Lisa’s mom waitresses hasn’t been remodeled since the eighties. Picture mauve booths and pendant lights, tropical fish tanks, enormous rotating dessert cases, and mirrors. Lots and lots of mirrors. I examined my new hair from every angle. Rachel kept the length for Adam, but razored in layers and added a blue streak. Super-shine lip gloss. Black T-shirt with silver studs. Cargo skate shorts.

“Stop!” Lisa said, threatening me with a butter knife. “Stop looking at yourself!”

“I can’t help it,” I said. “There’s something about these lights. Check out my tan.”

“It makes the food look better,” she said.

I forked a chunk of cheesecake and crammed it in my mouth.

Lisa opened her day planner and drew a tiny heart next to the date. It was code: she’d been with Gabe. She used her calendar like a diary, but instead of words she used symbols. Hearts and suns and frowny faces and stars. A record of her life in hieroglyphics.

“Is there something wrong with me?” I asked. “Do I give off an offensive odor?”

Lisa looked up. “Sometimes you smell like beef stroganoff.”

I chucked an ice cube at her.

“No! No!” She laughed, shielding her head. “I think it’s sexy!”

“It’s just that … Adam.” My mouth went dry. I drank some water. “We haven’t … you know.”

Lisa shrugged. “Maybe he’s … religious.”

I rolled my eyes. “He drinks and smokes. He’s not religious. I don’t think he’s anything.”

Lisa pulled out a bottle of sparkly blue polish. She ate a bite of her pie, and then spread her fingers on the table. “Seriously,” she said. “You should be happy. You guys are so cute. Rachel calls you The Perfect Couple.”

Painting Lisa’s nails, I asked if she agreed with Rachel.

“Duh. You two were made for each other. Don’t ruin it. Not that sex ruins it, but it’s not all that.”

When Lisa went to the restroom to run her fingers under the dryer, I checked her planner for the date I’d found her with Trent. No heart. Just a skull and crossbones. Her symbol for an exceptionally sucky day. Good. She regretted it. I put it back before she returned with a pot of coffee. I held my hand over my cup. I had to watch it. During finals, I drank so much I got the shakes and threw up.

“You’re going to stunt your growth!” Lisa’s mom shouted from the counter. After she finished filling sugar dispensers, she scooted in beside me with a tray of silverware and a stack of napkins. Bev, the other waitress, was loading coffee filters for the one-thirty rush. It didn’t matter that it was midweek. Once the bars closed, the place would be packed. Saturdays were the worst. When Lisa and I pulled all-nighters, cramming for tests, we usually had to give up our booth and move to the counter.

“Smoke break?” Bev asked Lisa’s mom.

“We’ll do this,” Lisa said, dragging the tray across the table. “Go smoke your cigarette. Before the crazies descend.”

Rolling silverware, we talked about everything and everyone. My brother’s abrupt departure back in May. Katie’s crush on Homeless Ryan. The Amazing Disappearing Foley and how he needed a tracking chip. The only thing we didn’t talk about for the first time in days was Banana Man. Maybe Lisa had finally lost interest. Bev came and collected the tray just as Lisa’s mom dropped off a plate of cheese fries. A song we both loved came on, and Lisa sang it in the vibrato that could have landed her the lead in our last musical—if she hadn’t chickened out at the audition. She stopped, though, when Reggie from the kitchen came out to listen. I was always trying to get Lisa to sing more. It sounds corny, but sometimes I’d get a lump in my throat—her voice is that beautiful.

“You’re ridiculous,” I said, blowing on a fry. “If I had your voice, I’d never stop singing.”

A tap at the window made us both jump. Gabe pressed his nose to the glass. He smiled his goofy smile and then took off around the building. As much as I liked him, his intrusion instantly ruined my mood.

“Hey,” he said, sliding in beside Lisa. “I won’t stay. I just wanted to give you this.” He handed her a gold box. Lisa just stared for a moment before peeking under the lid. A new necklace. Exactly like the one she’d lost in the woods. I was about to text Adam to join us, but remembered he was already in bed. His brother was flying in from California the next day, so Adam had requested an early shift.

While Gabe and Lisa were kissing, I snapped a bunch of pictures of myself and then watched the first drunks trickle in until a familiar face caught my eye. I waved, but he didn’t see me. “Foley’s here,” I said. Lisa detached herself from Gabe and asked, “Who’s the woman?” Long, straight hair. Sleeveless dress. Gladiator sandals. Definitely older. Older than us. Older than Foley. “I don’t know,” I said. I’d never seen her before.

Lisa’s lip curled. “What is she, like, twenty?”

I waited until they found a booth in Bev’s section before going over.

“Hey, stranger,” I said, ruffling Foley’s curls.

Foley’s face lit up. “Trace!” His eyes bulged as he took in my hair. “I like it!” The woman across from him was unimpressed. She buried her hands in her enormous leather bag and started texting. “Sit,” Foley said, getting out to let me in.

I hesitated. I didn’t want to be trapped. “If you guys want to be … you know.” Bev dropped off some menus. I bounced over the seat, accidentally kicking the woman under the table.

“Tracy, this is Jeanine. Jeanine, Tracy.”

Foley said they volunteered together at the Social Justice Center. They’d spent the night stuffing envelopes. Something about a big fund-raiser coming up.

“My brother used to do stuff with you guys,” I told Jeanine.

“Who’s your brother?”

“Scott,” I said. “Scott Kolcun.”

Jeanine squirted her hand with antibacterial gel. She offered some to Foley, but none to me. “Never heard of him,” she said

When Bev came back to take our orders, we had to shout over all the noise. It was like someone had opened a hydrant, flooding the place with drunks. All I wanted was a soda. Foley got a steak sandwich with extra peppers. I’ve always wondered who orders a salad plate in a diner. Jeanine requested fat-free dressing on the side. I collected the menus and passed them to Bev.

“So,” Jeanine said, shaking a sugar packet. “Michael and I—”

Brakes screeched in my head. Michael? Nobody calls Foley
Michael.
I missed Jeanine’s question. Something about my opinion on the conflict in some country I didn’t know existed. I’ve never been good at geography. She was trying to make me look stupid in front of Foley. I’m sure Scott was somewhere ripping his hair out. It’s not that I don’t care about human rights, it’s just that I’m more concerned with the injustices happening right here, right now, before my eyes. Like the man sleeping in the doorway across the street, or the crack-skinny girl in the next booth over giving all her cash to a guy with a mouth grille. Or the one that’s always behind my eyes, the one that sneaks up on me in the strangest places. I wanted to tell Jeanine to go stuff some more envelopes. Instead, I told Foley to let me out.

“That was quick,” Lisa said. “Who’s the chick?”

“One of those social justice snobs,” I said, trying to calm the riot in my chest. “You know the type: super-expensive college. Home slumming it for the summer.”

“What’s Foley doing with her?”

I shrugged. “There must be something wrong with her. Maybe she has
issues
.”

I was suddenly starving, but Gabe scarfed the last fry and my soda was with Foley and Jeanine. I tried to see around the corner, but even with all the mirrors, their booth was in a blind spot. I played with the studs on my shirt, and then played with my phone. Dodging monkeys through crumbling ruins, I tried to ignore Gabe and Lisa saying good night. After I beat my score, I looked up. He was gone.

“Are Adam and I that sickening?” I asked.

“Way more.” Lisa flipped her place mat and drew a hangman’s scaffold. One word. Nine letters.

“Banana Man is two words,” I said.

Lisa huffed and scribbled out the spaces. Four letters this time. I started with vowels. The second letter was E. Lisa was so transparent. “Jerk?” I guessed.

“Get out of my head,” Lisa whined, crumpling the game.

I tried keeping an eye on the register for Foley, but the craziness was peaking. It wasn’t until around three that the diner emptied. Lisa’s mom started trucking loads of dishes to the kitchen while Lisa wiped down some tables. I wandered the diner with my phone, pretending I’d lost my reception.

“Looking for your friend?” Bev asked. “He just left.”

I ran to the front window: Foley. With Jeanine. Arm in arm, waiting at the light. My heart kicked. I sat down sadly.

“You want a pancake?” Bev asked. I shook my head. I wasn’t hungry.

The sky was just starting to pink when Lisa’s mom took a break and drove us home. I made Lisa hide her eyeball before we crashed to the sound of water running in the bathroom, coffee brewing in the kitchen—Larry getting ready for work. I love the feeling of going to bed when everybody else is waking up. When you know the next day will be a total waste. And it was. We sat around in our pajamas eating frozen pizzas and playing video games. At least we didn’t have to entertain Katie—she’d gone to a friend’s for the day. Lisa was giving me a facial when Adam called. Did I want to meet his brother? Tonight? I could hear Chris in the background,
Don’t make me wait! You’re all Adam talks about!