Whatever it is, I Don't Like it (2 page)

Why a toy elephant should have the same effect is hard to explain. The brainchild of Royal de Luxe, a theatre company based in Nantes, the Sultan's Elephant – the idea for which is taken from a Jules Verne story, though narrative seemed beside the point – is an exquisitely conceived and manufactured puppet. It is entirely non-Disneyesque, not in the slightest cute or anthropomorphic, and postmodern in the sense that no attempts are made to hide its workings. Indeed, the Lilliputian-liveried men who pull its strings and drive its motors, and who are revealed within the elephant as it moves, are integral to what we feel about it. Emotionally as well as mechanically they serve the elephant's inexplicable purpose. It is they who flap his suede ears, open and close his tired eyes, and twist his sinister, reticulated trunk. But what ultimately fascinates us about the Sultan's Elephant is the part of him over which they have no control – his sense of being, as though the soul of living elephant has migrated into this wooden one.

Yes, yes, I know. But the truth of it is that I, like everyone else come out to have a quick look, felt bound to stay to have a second, and a third. In order to see him advancing towards us again we had to run ahead or find a short cut, nipping down alleys that connected New Regent Street to Haymarket, or Jermyn Street to Piccadilly, places we normally frequent only to buy shirts, then there he'd be, marvellous in his grave impassivity, as though the spoils of Empire had returned unconquered to reclaim the offices and citadels of imperial power. We watched as in a dream.

Don't ask me what the children thought. Mainly, they cried when the elephant showered them with water, and otherwise, as far as I could tell, feigned delight because they knew delight was expected of them. Wasted on children, wonderment. You have to know why life is serious to know why sometimes it must be a toy. They marvel best who marvel least.

The Effing Icelandic Volcano

Heartbreaking tales all week of people trapped in their hotel swimming pools for up to five days. They say you could hear the wailing in the Givenchy Spa at Le Saint Geran, Mauritius, from as far away as the beach at Sandy Lane where word had got out – good that something had got out – that supplies of iced strawberries were running dangerously low. I can no longer watch the news on television, so heartbreaking are the scenes of couples reuniting who have not seen each other for seventy-two hours.

Yesterday, at the bar of the Groucho Club, I was embraced tearfully by an old friend I'd last talked to at the bar of the Groucho Club the week before.

‘I'm back,' he told me.

I told him I didn't know he'd been away.

‘Christ, man,' he said, ‘the word “away” doesn't get it.'

I wondered what word got it.

He told me what had happened. He'd been in Torremolinos with his family. When he said ‘family' his eyes welled up. Had I not known his family I'd have pictured a tottering mother on a Zimmer frame, a wife already made weak by bulimia nervosa, and genius but fragile twins desperate to get back to a Mensa interview in London. In fact, his mother runs a major charity single-handed, his wife has completed six marathons this year, and his two boys had joined him after making their third successful assault on Everest without breathing equipment. He'd been in Torremolinos with them, anyway, paragliding, when he heard that no planes were leaving Malaga for the UK. He rang up Willie Walsh who was a personal friend, but Willie said there was nothing he could do, the effing Icelandic volcano having grounded BA more effectively than all the effing cabin stewards in effing Christendom.

I'm not saying this is how Willie Walsh actually speaks, only that this was how my friend reported him.

The barman at the Groucho asked us to tone down the swearing as other members of the club were offended by it. ‘Christ,' my friend said, ‘do you know where I've been for the last four days?'

The barman shook his head, but when he heard Torremolinos he apologised. ‘Swear away,' he said.

Unable to fly out of Malaga, my friend had shepherded his little family into a hire car for which the shysters were charging a thousand euros a day. For a Smart!

‘Christ!' I said.

He put a hand over my mouth. ‘You haven't heard the worst of it yet,' he said. ‘We were told there were ferries leaving from Algeciras to Tangier, from where we could get a trawler to Lisbon, where a cargo ship was said to be leaving for La Coruña from which local fishermen were rowing stranded passengers to Roscoff from where light aircraft which could fly below the ash cloud were taking people to Cork . . .'

‘So what happened when you got to Cork?' I asked.

‘Cork! Who said we got to Cork? The car broke down five kilometres outside Malaga. Do you know much it cost to get towed back to Torremolinos?'

I guessed a thousand euros an hour.

And back in Torremolinos? I expected him to say they windsurfed to Ibiza where they caught a pirate ship to Monaco where they hijacked a train heading for Luxembourg before terrorists attacked it in the Massif Central and kidnapped his mother. But only the windsurfing was right. Back in Torremolinos they had to go back to their villa and resume their effing holiday.

‘Christ!' the barman said.

So I told them my story. Setting sail from Troy, I ran into a fierce north-easterly which carried me across the Aegean Sea to Libya where I'd heard there was a travel company called ‘Lotos' which, while it couldn't guarantee to get you out made you very comfortable in the time you were there. Having a column to write in London, I went in search of other Englishmen as anxious to escape as I was, only to encounter a one-eyed giant called Polyphemus – I know, I know, but that's foreign travel for you: you never know who you're going to run into – whom I had in the end to blind to get away from. What happened next, to keep it brief, was that I managed to locate a tramp steamer headed for the Island of Dawn where I met the enchanting Circe with whom I am ashamed to admit I had a bit of a fling. Aware I could not afford to stay – her rates were a thousand euros a minute without kissing, and that was if she liked you – she pointed me in the direction of home, warning me to watch out for the Sirens, a sort of Girls Aloud of the Ionian Sea, though thankfully I was no more into their music than David Cameron, whatever he says to the contrary, is into Take That. Anyway, anyway, we all have our troubles, and mine finally ended when I arrived home, a little the worse for wear, after ten years of being away, and was able to massacre my wife's suitors.

Ten years, mark! Ten years, not five days. What's happened to our idea of what constitutes an arduous journey?

Don't mistake me. We make light of no one's travails in this column. Hell is other countries, airports are vile places, and I don't doubt that many a stranded passenger had pressing reasons to be back. But if you want to experience real travel nightmare try getting from Soho to Swiss Cottage. The horror of the London Underground has been well documented – if you're not blown apart by jihadists, or pushed on to the rails by homicidal maniacs on day release, or trampled by bored French schoolkids, you suffocate – and the overground is worse. Despite Boris Johnson's promise to bring back buses fit for humans to travel on, they remain the Legoland suspensionless boneshakers they were, with nowhere to sit unless you go upstairs and you can only get upstairs if you're a gymnast. London roads are now an obstacle course: if you can find a road that isn't closed for the installation of new water pipes or Crossrail, you can be sure it will be potholed, or made impassable by bumps they have the effrontery to call traffic calmers. What's calming about driving over hummocks? What's calming about breaking your spine? Has anyone met a calm London cabbie? London at this minute is in the grip of a road-induced collective nervous breakdown, and yet people are being winched aboard Royal Navy Chinooks in order to get back. Explain that to me, someone.

Libraries

Several years ago, when the the British Library was housed in the British Museum – which meant that you could always while away the odd hour looking at ancient Greek or Indian erotica if you didn't feel like work – I had cause to ask to be delivered to my desk
The One Hundred and Twenty Days of Sodom
by the Marquis de Sade. Today it's freely available in print, for all I know at a reduced price in Tesco's; but twenty years ago you had to sign for it, your signature being an assurance that you required the book for purposes of serious scholarship only, that you would not deface or remove it from the library, that you would not divulge to anyone what it contained, and that you would think clean thoughts.

I've invented some of those stipulations, but not all. Before the British Library would entrust a volume of such gross indecency to your safe keeping, it did indeed insist you complete a form promising not to reveal a word of what you'd read. Since I was researching de Sade for a novel about someone who was researching de Sade I didn't see how I could honour this undertaking, and for months after my novel was published I would start whenever the doorbell rang, fearing that the British Library Police had come for me. What they did to people who reneged on their assurances and put the contents of restricted literature into the public domain I had no idea, but given that this was not any old restricted literature, but
The One Hundred and Twenty Days of Sodom
, I didn't see how the punishment could fail to measure up to the chastisements adumbrated in that work. Embuggery, amputation, dismembering, slitting, slicing, cleaving, the rack, the cross, the guillotine, flogging with a bull's pizzle while being forced to kiss a nun's . . . But there I go, blabbing again.

What has brought these hours of innocent study in the British Museum back to me after all this time is the suspension last week, pending investigation, of Ceri Randall, librarian at Pyle Library, near Bridgend in South Wales. Under investigation is whether Ceri Randall was within her rights to evict a person demonstratively doing porn on one of the library computers. What constitutes fit material for a public library – that is the question.

Just about nothing that's in it these days, is my first response. Call me a pedant, but I think of a library as a place that houses books. Books which educated opinion deems us to be the better, intellectually and spiritually, for having read. If you wonder who should be given the responsibility of deciding which those books are, wonder no more. I will do it. So call me paternalistic as well.

It amazes me that we have to insist on this. The idea of a free library presupposes the value, to the individual and to society, of reading, and the value of reading presupposes the value of books. If we fill a library with potboilers and that genre of contemporary literature described as crossover because it crosses us over from maturity to infancy, we abandon the grand educative function which libraries were philanthropically invented to serve. First the serious books give way to footling books, then the books give way altogether to something else. Records, tapes, CDs, DVDs, and now computers.

Don't mistake me for a puritan. I like the lunacy of libraries. I like the tramps pretending to be immersed in newspapers, and the people who have been swindled of their inheritances trying to put together lawsuits from the only law book on the shelves, and the would-be aristocrats searching family trees, and the general-knowledge freaks memorising every entry in the
Encyclopaedia Britannica
, and the mutterers and the snorers and the wild laughers and the rheumy old men who are here every day, from nine in the morning to six at night, shouting ‘Shush!' at anyone who coughs. Libraries attract nutters – it's the flipside of their grand educative function – and it's proper that whoever haunts books should be kept in mind of the fragility of reason. Books sometimes make you wise, and sometimes send you mad. But the detritus of popular entertainment, which leads neither to wisdom nor to madness, only to terminal triviality, and from which any good library should be a refuge, is something else again. Don't give libraries a penny, I say, until they present themselves once more as palaces of bookish learning, for the behoof of the studious and the deranged alike.

So Ceri Randall is a bit of a hero to me, by simple virtue of the fact that she has been prepared to make a value judgement in a library. What you are doing here is low and inappropriate. It was not for swapping indecencies in an Internet chat room that libraries were built. Get out!

All I hope now is that she keeps her job and starts evicting any adult she catches reading Harry Potter.

But then I remember my library experiences with the Marquis de Sade, and the look of utter distaste which crossed the librarian's face when I asked whether the ban on telling anyone what I was reading extended to my wife. My wife? I would speak of embuggery to my wife? For a moment she made me feel I had befouled a sanctum – no, two sanctums, the sanctum of marriage and the sanctum of scholarship.

There is a difference, of course, between de Sade and a chat room. One is literature – oh yes it is, forcing us to re-examine ‘the true relation betweeen man and man', in the words of Simone de Beauvoir – and the other is the mere vacant rubbing at an itch. I would like Ceri Randall, as she prepares her defence, to be very clear about this. Filth isn't the issue. Filth can be art and art belongs in libraries. The issue is the trivialising of the human soul.

And libraries aren't for that.