Whatever the Cost (22 page)

“Lay it on me.”

“Are we going to be monogamous?”

At first, Jacen looks somewhat offended that Liam would need to ask such a thing, when most of their attention for the past few days has been on getting married. Slowly though, anger brewed out of possessive, protective anger of Liam, hearing the nature of his first sexual encounter, drains away. Reality, stark and actual seeps back into Jacen’s awareness. Aqua eyes opened wide, he starts to more completely understand the question, what it means, what it implies.

“This is usually something that’s covered
before
people get married, I know. But we need to agree on this.”

“Wow. I’ve,” Jacen starts and sputters. “I’ve never been monogamous with anyone in my whole life. How sad is that? Have you?”

“Yeah,” Liam nods. “For a few months with Timothy. Until he started... you know. That was the only time.”

“Do you want to be?”

“Yes,” Liam says after taking time to consider this. “I admit I wasn’t sure at first. It’s gonna be weird to not, you know.... Given what our lives have been like recently. But yes. I’d like that. I’m ready to be done with the person that I was. I want to try to listen to what
I
want for a change, and all I want is this. Right here. With you. It’s your call, though. After thinking about it the past few days, I don’t feel like I can tell you what you should do when it comes to sex. Not to that extent. But I need to know if there’re going to be others. I feel like I deserve that much.”

Liam waits for it, for Jacen to admit that he wants to have the freedom to have sex with women too, especially after hearing him admit that in his adolescence, he wasn’t even attracted to guys. Bracing for it, he prepares for the hurt he knows he’ll feel.

But, with an expression so forlorn that it breaks Liam’s heart, Jacen mutters, “Yes. I want to be monogamous.”

“Yeah? Well, good. Okay.” The agreement hangs in the air between them, shocking. A shy smile threatens to curl up the corners of Liam’s lips so he fights to swallow it back, trying not to look as happy as he feels. “We should get tested. Again,” he clarifies, since they have been going to get tested regularly, every other week or so, anyway, up until their hasty escape from L.A. “Tomorrow.”

“I agree.”

“Good.”

With that, Liam lays down, bringing one of the soft pillows under his head, curling up with it. Jacen absent-mindedly caresses the line of Liam’s jaw, freshly shaven, the side of his throat, thinking about everything that’s been said, letting it sink in, trying to accept it, trying to let go of the rest of his anger and the blind urge to defend someone that doesn’t exist anymore. Time slips by.

After a while, when simple nearness to a half-naked Liam starts to make him hard, Jacen says, “Hey. I thought we said were going to celebrate.”

“Hmm.” Liam glances at their suitcases with their clothes, the door. Tugging the pillow even closer, his lips twist up on one side. “What’d you have in mind?”

“Well,” he scans the room, their meager possessions stacked in piles. “There’s a few bottles of wine in that box. We could order pizza?”

Liam chuckles. “I like your style.”

“I hope so. You’re kinda shit outta luck otherwise.”

“Gotta admit,” Jacen says a moment later while digging out the phonebook in the nightstand, flipping to P for pizza. “This is not how I pictured my wedding night.”

“You pictured your wedding night? Really?”

Jacen shrugs, biting a thumb as he judges pizzerias based on the meager content of their advertisements. “Sometimes.”

“I’m sorry to disappoint,” Liam murmurs, slipping a hand under the pillow to warm it.

“You’re not a disappointment, Lee,” Jacen says with gentle conviction. “The most important part of how I pictured it came true. I’m here with my best friend in the world, aren’t I?”

Trying not to look as pleased with the compliment as he feels, Liam asks, “So are we gonna consummate this marriage or not?”

For a second, Jacen keeps reading through menus and envisioning various topping combinations, the fantasy of having his own pizza oven someday even flitting around at the back of his mind. What Liam said doesn’t register. Then it does. “Oh, you mean with me?”

Liam snorts. “Do you see anyone else? I ain’t talking to myself. I mean, I guess I could always go out there and walk around for a while until I find someone who’s interested.”

Tossing the phonebook aside, Jacen pounces onto a prone Liam, getting astride his legs, rolling him gently to his back. Palming the thick swell of his left pectoral muscle, Jacen slips his other hand around the side of Liam’s neck, stroking along the edge of his jaw. Jacen grins down at Liam.

“Wow. That was sudden,” Liam blinks. “You’re like a puma.”

Jacen laughs. “You look nervous,” he observes.

Cheeks coloring, squirming slightly, Liam presses up into Jacen’s hand unconsciously, reflexively, as it rubs firmly over his chest. Of their own accord, his hips roll forward in a slow drag against Jacen’s hard body. Tilting his head to one side to expose his neck more, just out of habit, Liam stops acting out of automatic instinct and realizes that he
is
nervous.

“Um.”

Jacen is heavy on his legs, unmovable, huge. There is obvious hunger in his watchful eyes, so light and bright, framed in the dark, almost black waves of his tousled tresses. It’s something like what Liam saw in Claudia’s chambers that night not so long ago. In a flash, Liam can see it all happening, Jacen making him powerless, devouring him, just like he did on that remembered evening, but in Liam’s vision it goes farther. He sees Jacen licking him open, his wicked, twisting fingers everywhere, inside and out, taking Liam apart and then fucking his brains out, holding Liam down and pounding his ass until it’s throbbing and Liam is begging, simply
begging
for release, for more, for anything and everything.

Beet red, heart racing, starting to sweat, more than a little claustrophobic, Liam closes his eyes and takes a deep, shuddering, cleansing breath that does nothing to calm his anxiety.

“How about we eat first and try this again another way,” Jacen suggests, feeling Liam’s tension and seeing glimpses of the biting fear he’s trying to hide.

“Yes, please,” Liam manages, the plea coming out more strained that he expects it to.

Jacen pulls away, backs off, measuring Liam with a steady look.

“J-Jacen...?”

Smooth as velvet he replies, “Yeah?”

Hesitating, he reaches for Jacen’s face, cupping it in a hand, drawing him back in. Their lips hover a hair’s breadth apart as they breathe over each other, Liam’s soft, nervous gasps audible and utterly intoxicating. Jacen can feel Liam’s heart racing under his palm, skipping away.

“Hey. It’s fine,” Jacen whispers.

Liam makes a soft sound back in his throat, his brow furrowing with regret and self-recrimination. “I’m sorry. It’s just—”

“Really. I understand.”

“Do you? ’Cause I don’t.”

“Yeah,” Jacen says tenderly.

Sighing, Liam brings him in for a light but lingering kiss. When it’s finished, and Jacen leaves him there to go and order the pizza (without bothering to ask Liam what he wants, knowing that Liam always orders the same kind of pizza every time anyway), Liam observes him silently, drawing one knee up to conceal some of his hard-on.

With the pizza ordered, Jacen fishes out the wine, using the plastic cups that came with the room to serve it. Offering Liam a glass, they touch rims and Jacen says, “To the future and our happiness.”

“I like that,” Liam grins, sipping from his cup, rolling the full, rich taste of the wine back over his tongue.

After nodding to the remote and getting an approving grunt from Liam, Jacen turns on the television and begins to surf through the channels, shifting up to cuddle next to Liam on the bed as they drink their wine.

“Man, I can’t wait until we have our own place. Let’s drive around a little tomorrow and check some out.”

“Okay. Sure.”

They find some cheesy game shows and zone out watching them for a while until Liam admits, “This is the longest I’ve gone without having sex since I was a teenager. It’s so bizarre. And sad. It’s only been about a week and it feels like forever.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Hmm. Yes and no. More yes than no. Mostly because when I think about who it is I’d be having sex with if I
was
having it, now, it makes me miss it.”

Jacen hums, rolling to face Liam, nuzzling against his hair, breathing him in. Resting a hand on Liam’s side, Jacen rubs down over his waist, around to the small of his back, down over the curve of his ass, palming it.

“Pizza,” Liam blurts. “Pizza’s coming any minute.”

Moaning in complaint, Jacen goes still but doesn’t move his hand from its claim, wrapping the side of Liam’s ass.

“Fucking pizza,” Jacen grimaces.

And Liam is right. Not two minutes later, there’s a knock at the door.

They quickly realize how hungry they are and enjoy every bite of their food, though Jacen does eat his share at a faster clip than he usually would.

It’s an hour later before they’ve cleaned up and Liam is ready to go through with it.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Jacen watches as Liam moves around the room, turning off lights, ensuring drapes are closed, turning off phones and making more than a couple of trips to the bathroom. Once satisfied that everything is in order, he finds some lube and goes to the bed with it. Jacen takes off his shirt, drawing Liam’s gaze instantly to his bulging muscles and bare chest.

Stepping up between his legs, Liam fingers through Jacen’s hair. He coaxes Jacen backward, up farther onto the bed, guiding him back until he’s resting against the pillows that had been propped against the headboard, to lean against while they ate. Jacen gets settled, and shivers slightly when Liam’s fingertips skim down the length of his body to the waistband of his pants.

“I’m gonna take these off, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Once again, Jacen has no idea what Liam has in mind, only that he doesn’t seem so overwhelmed or anxious any more, now that he doesn’t have Jacen bearing down on him. The pants slip off, leaving him naked. Liam guides Jacen’s thighs open, presses his legs apart and settles on the bed between them, sitting on his heels. Jacen bends his knees, letting his legs fall open wide, even though it makes him uncomfortable to be so very exposed to Liam. One of Liam’s hands rubs up Jacen’s washboard abs, over his sternum, all the way up to his neck and back down again while the other carefully cradles his heavy, rapidly swelling cock—not moving to stroke it, just holding him.

Jacen shivers, getting harder. Closing his eyes, he rocks gently into the hand as his nipples pebble and his cock jumps. Liam rolls the pad of his thumb over the silken head.

“I just want to touch you for a little while. Is that all right?”

Not trusting his voice, Jacen nods and tries to get comfortable and relax, but it’s difficult. He’s jittery and tense with anticipation. Liam still feels more like a friend than a lover; the mental shift in roles hasn’t entirely kicked in for Jacen. Every thought, every sensation is focused on Liam’s hand wrapped around his erection, playing with it, fondling it.

“I never really, you know, get to enjoy someone I like. There’s always gotta be a goal. Get off. Finish. Leave. But,” Liam says, lightly tracing with a fingertip the thick, pulsing vein twisting around under the skin of Jacen’s shaft. “There aren’t any rules with you. It’s nice. I’m just starting to realize, actually, how much more interesting sex can be now. We can just,” with an opened palm, he brushes feather-light, up and down against the underside of Jacen’s straining flesh, moving with it as it twitches and swells. “...play.”

Jacen groans, fighting to be still and not just greedily hump Liam’s hand like he wants to, like his body is telling him to.

“I can just play with you like this for hours, any time I want to,” he says thoughtfully.

“I’m,
uh
,” Jacen grunts. “Pretty sure that might kill me.”

“I think you underestimate your stamina,” Liam smiles. “Do you know how gorgeous your body is? I’m just,” he twists a hand around Jacen, tugging on him, guiding him to a different angle, making his hips tilt up off the bed, “kind of in constant awe of how hot you are. And this? I love you like this; letting me touch you even though you’re kind of afraid to completely relax. Smooth, silky and rock hard at the same time. Your body is
obscenely
fuckable.”

“Mm.” Jacen undulates and then forces himself to loosen up again. “Liam.”

With a tight squeeze up Jacen’s length, Liam brings a low, rolling moan from Jacen’s lips. Pumping him in a slow, steady rhythm, Liam draws it out as long as he dares. There isn’t much more that Jacen is willing to sit back and take.

“Especially since now you’re all mine. Knowing that I don’t have to share you, with
anyone
? It’s intoxicating. And the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.”

Once released, Jacen lets out a sigh. Liam slips out of his pants and straddles Jacen’s lap. He takes Jacen’s right hand, squirts lubricant onto the fingers, spreading it around and in between them. It’s very welcome permission and brings a wide, happy smile to Jacen’s face.