Whatever the Cost (36 page)

Liam continues to draw in on himself, not speaking much, quietly building a normal life for the first time in his nearly thirty years. He devotes the whole of his battered soul to it, determined to do a good job. Every day he unpacks a few more boxes, determined to go through each one and find a place for everything, including all of Jacen’s cooking paraphernalia. When he runs out of space, he just hangs a rack from the ceiling from which to hook Jacen’s large pots and pans, and buys another armoire for storage.

As Liam organizes his personal things, he finds the few pieces of his old “costumes”, the items he couldn’t bring himself to leave behind in Los Angeles. Without much thinking about it, he starts to wear them, incorporating them into his daily wardrobe. A week after they’ve moved in, he wears the thick leather belt with the huge silver buckle. Three days after that he slips on his combat boots and a pair of cargos when he goes out food shopping. The day after that, he puts on some pale pink lip gloss, keeping the tube in his pocket to reapply throughout the day. He develops, subconsciously at first, an overpowering need to claim his personas for himself, absorbing them and reincorporating the facets of his own self that they grew out of into who he is now. It’s not until the day when he wears the lip gloss that he realizes why. He’s doing it, he discovers in a flash of insight, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, in defiance of the nightmare he had in which Timothy tore him down repeatedly, trying to corrupt and besmirch the way Liam identified himself since he was nineteen-years-old.

Restlessness and the pleasant, sunny weather inspire Liam to begin taking daily walks that last for miles. He always starts from their building but explores every possible direction, heading out in a wide radius, venturing into the city that has become theirs. Two weeks from the day they moved in, Liam interrupts his walk, detouring into a drug store on his route. He grabs a basket to shop with and loads it up, buying mascara, eyeliner, nail polish, a waxing kit, and a few shades of lipstick. He buys them only because it feels right to do so, and for no other conscious reason. Purchases in hand, he continues on his walk, going two more miles out before doubling back.

When he gets home he hides the things he bought in one of the drawers of his new bureau, concealing them under a carefully folded stack of long-sleeved shirts. That night, when Jacen gets home, exhausted and irritable, Liam watches him from the hallway, leaning against the wall, picking at his nails as Jacen digs his wallet and keys from his pocket and kicks off his shoes. Stacked in the far corner of the living room are the sheets, blanket and pillow that Jacen uses every night when he sleeps on the couch, as he’s done every night since they had it delivered, favoring it over the air mattress. Liam stares at the linens, then sees Jacen stretch his arms, trying to work a knot out of his back. The dark circles under his eyes are still there, and a profound sullenness has pervaded Jacen’s being for weeks, ever since the fight. Thinking of this and his new purchases, which feel like a secret but powerful accomplishment, buoying his spirit, Liam clears his throat to get Jacen’s attention and says to him, “Hey. How was work?”

Noticing him for the first time, Jacen turns. “You’re still up? Thought you’d be in bed. It’s almost one a.m.”

Liam shrugs. “I got a call from Mrs. O’Donnell in 1B. Her kitchen sink’s been leaking. I was online doing some ‘plumbing for dummies’ research. You know they actually have a book for that? I might pick it up if I can’t figure out what to do on my own. Anyway, I told her I’d head down there first thing tomorrow morning to take a look. She seemed really grateful.”

Jacen goes to the sink for a glass of water, shooting Liam an amused half-smile, squinting a little at him in disbelief. “Yeah? I mean if you don’t want to I can always make time or call someone in.”

“Nah. I want to,” Liam argues. He smiles, then ducks his head bashfully. He traps his bottom lip between his teeth and glances surreptitiously to the master bedroom. “Are you gonna come to bed soon?”

Jacen stops moving. He slowly puts down his glass of water and stares at Liam, not comprehending. Liam meets his stare, backing up the question with a level, steady look, not backing down, daring Jacen to make him repeat the inquiry. “I was gonna take a shower first,” Jacen says after a pause.

“Okay. Don’t be too long.” Liam turns, walking back to the bedroom with his hands in his pockets.

Jacen watches him go, then smiles hugely, chuckling to himself, flushing with joy.

He speeds through the shower, but doing a thorough job. While drying off he realizes his pajamas are back in the living room where he’d left them that morning. Tucking a towel around his waist he goes in search of them. The pile of linens and his pajamas aren’t there though. Jacen walks back to the bedroom. Liam is there, one lamp casting a soft golden glow over the new dark wood of the bedroom set Liam picked out for them, the king sized bed, the matching bureaus, the high-backed chair near the window. Thus far Jacen has only ever been in the bedroom to get his clothes and get out as fast as he can, to not intrude on Liam’s space more than he needs to. Liam has the bed turned back and passes Jacen his pajamas.

“Thanks,” Jacen says.

Liam goes to his side of the bed and climbs in, averting his eyes as Jacen gets dressed. He lies down on his side, facing Jacen, curled up around the pillow tucked under his head. Once dressed, Jacen joins him under the covers.

Sighing with the pleasure of pure, luxurious comfort, Jacen smiles and murmurs, “’Night, Lee.”

“Goodnight,” Liam smiles back. His gaze darts down to Jacen’s mouth and he begins to move closer, bridging the gap between them. Acting desperately on the implied permission, Jacen meets him in the middle, kissing Liam tenderly, a mere press of lips on lips. Cupping a hand around the side of Liam’s jaw, Jacen draws it out a few more precious moments. He’s all dimples and happiness when they break apart. That night brings Jacen the best sleep he’s had in all his life.

Early the next morning, Jacen feels the mattress shift when Liam gets out of bed. A short while later, after falling back asleep, he stirs as a soft kiss is applied to his temple. Liam whispers to him, “I’m going down to 1B. Call if you need me.”

“Mm,” Jacen hums without even opening his eyes, “’Kay.”

A few seconds later, he’s asleep again.

By the time he has to leave for work again, Liam is still gone, so Jacen calls him.

“Hey, how’s it going down there?”

“Oh, not bad. I had to replace the one line. Just got back from picking up supplies. Should be done in a little bit.”

“Cool. Very impressive,” Jacen grins into the phone. “I’m headin’ out now but I shouldn’t be home as late tonight.”

“Oh. Shit. I didn’t realize how late it was. I didn’t even get to see you today.”

“Eh, I’ll see you later. I don’t expect to be as sleepy tonight. The bed was great.”

There’s lightness to his gruff voice that Jacen adores when Liam replies, “It’s a date, then. Have a good day at work, baby.”

Shortly before eleven, Jacen gets home from work, anticipating his “date” with Liam. The progress they had made the night before buoyed his spirits all day, and he’s still chipper when he returns. He hurries over to Liam for a quick kiss before hitting the shower. Standing at the kitchen sink, Liam is hand-washing some new crystal wine goblets. He smiles over his shoulder in welcome as Jacen circles him from behind in a brief hug, pecking a kiss to Liam’s neck.

“Hey, handsome,” Jacen grins. “Missed you.”

“Me too,” Liam allows shyly.

“These new?” Jacen asks, indicating the glasses.

“Yep. I picked up some wine for tonight and remembered we didn’t have the right glasses.”

“They’re really great. I like ’em.”

“Good.”

Liam shuts off the water and dries his hands, taking his time. Then he turns to face Jacen. With a sort of proud defiance, he gazes up at his husband, locking eyes with him.

Jacen notices right away. But more than that, he
understands
. It’s because of this understanding that he reaches up, brushing the pad of his thumb over the delicate skin near the corner of Liam’s eye.

“What’s this?”

Over the past number of days, stretching into weeks, Jacen had not always been around when Liam had dressed in the pieces of his old costumes. Liam tended to stay in pajamas until nearly lunchtime, and Jacen typically returned from his shift at the bistro late at night, when Liam was back in pajamas again. But he did notice the combat boots in their bedroom, and saw Liam wearing his cargos. He also saw the lip gloss on the bathroom counter. And this evening, Liam is wearing one of the black button-down shirts he would pair with an expensive suit when going to see higher end clients with a taste for someone refined. Liam is also wearing eyeliner, a carefully applied, thin, black line of it, ringing his big, beautiful green eyes. The effect is powerful, bringing out perfectly just how vivid and gorgeous Liam’s eyes really are, but when Jacen notices the faint pink tint to his lips, the remnant of lipstick applied hours ago, Jacen feels it as a low throbbing heat between his legs that swells and grows.

Liam doesn’t flinch or glance away. He stares back into Jacen’s eyes as heat starts to burn there, too, and says, “I bought a few things. I like wearing it.”

There’s a definite moment then, in which Liam waits for Jacen to laugh or criticize. He half-dares him to, expecting the fates to find new ways to mock and destroy him. Jacen sees this expectation in Liam’s face, reading it as clearly as if Liam had scrawled a declaration of self-consciousness in black letters across his face with the same stick of eyeliner. Acknowledging this discovery, Jacen moves right past it, driven by his own reaction, one much more powerful than Liam’s bashfulness.

Jacen’s lips curl in the beginnings of a smile, and Liam’s heart stops. His eyes grow fractionally wider. And then his heart starts beating again, but beating rapidly, thumping heavily in his chest. Because Jacen’s smile is not one of amusement, it’s pure undiluted
hunger
.

Things happen quickly after that. Jacen moves in, wrapping his right hand around the gentle swell of Liam’s left pectoral muscle, rolling his thumb over the piercing embedded in his nipple. It punctuates the course of Jacen’s focus. Bowing his head slightly, Jacen parts his lips and touches them to Liam’s stained lips, gently at first, then more firmly as their kiss deepens. Jacen growls low in his throat, savoring the taste of the lip gloss, the soft sound Liam makes at the stimulation to his nipple, the kiss itself. Liam opens for him, readily, and Jacen enters him, determined, needy, and possessive. Their tongues twist together. Jacen maps Liam’s mouth, rediscovering it, taking from it all of the pleasure Jacen could want.

A semblance of self-control reclaims Jacen. He ends the kiss reluctantly, pulling back. His pupils are blown wide and black with lust. His interest nudges Liam’s hip.

“It looks good,” Jacen says hoarsely, wrecked and fighting back hard against the rising tide of his passion. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

Liam nods, his lips pursed in amusement, his dark-lined eyes twinkling. He stands there by the sink as Jacen goes into the bathroom. The water starts to run, pounding against the tile. Liam slowly makes his way over to the bathroom door, listening, savoring the tingle and throb in his lips from Jacen’s hunger. Then he hears it, Jacen’s swallowed grunts, the wet slap of skin on skin as he masturbates. Smiling wickedly with satisfaction, Liam strains his ears to catch every single thing.

In the shower, Jacen tugs fast and hard at his cock, thinking of Liam, his eyes ringed black, his lips painted pink, wondering if he was wearing it all day, even to go fix the plumbing. It’s the thought of Liam on his back, under the sink, sweaty, cursing, in an old t-shirt and make-up that gets Jacen off as much as the heat of their kiss.

After the shower, spent and calmed, Jacen gets dressed. Liam is back in the kitchen, opening the wine, pouring it into two of the freshly-washed glasses. He’s chosen a white, Sauvignon Blanc, and the sweet aroma tickles Jacen’s nose, makes him smile. They sit in their new living room furniture, with Jacen in the armchair, Liam on the couch. Jacen chooses the chair so that he can enjoy a better view of Liam than he would get if they were side-by-side. Liam kicks his feet up on the ottoman, sighing and taking a sip.

“So, honey, how was work?”