Whatever the Cost (53 page)

Bolting across the pavement, Jacen swan-dives into the water and barrels after the figure of his fleeing husband.

“How did we get here?” Liam asks, curled up on the couch, watching the sunset through the trees beyond the window of their living room.

“Through hell and high water?” Jacen offers.

Smiling at this, Liam tucks himself farther into Jacen’s embrace. “No, really. It all seems like a dream, doesn’t it? Some days I feel like I’m going to wake up on a dirty hotel bed with a John in the bathroom, and all of this is just going to evaporate. It seems too good to be true.”

“No, it is true, and I’ll tell you why,” Jacen argues, his voice full of that iron that’s always there now, beneath the surface. “We fought for it. Tooth and nail. We deserve this. We deserve to be this happy.”

Liam thinks this over and then, after some time, nods. “Yeah. I just never expected it to actually happen.”

“Me either,” Jacen admits, holding on tight.

“So, you really think we’ll be okay?”

The fragility he hears behind the question shakes Jacen a little. There’s such pure hope in it, hope of the sort that Liam, born into hopelessness, never dared to strive for, that Jacen resolves anew to fight for it, no matter what, for however long he is destined to walk the Earth.

“Yes. We really will. I swear to it.”

“Well, even if it doesn’t last, I just want you to know that it was worth it, all of it, to have this with you. No matter if it’s only for now.”

And that’s when Jacen knows. No matter how much time passes, or where they live or what they do, part of Liam, and part of himself will always be those scared little boys, doing terrible things because they can’t see any other choice.

“Thank you for helping me get here,” Liam says, with more honesty that he would ever have been capable of, as recently as a few months ago. “Seriously. Thank you.”

He looks up into Jacen’s eyes as he says it, and has a funny feeling he’s talking not to Jacen, but to Travis as he says it. So Jacen holds the gaze as he replies, to Avery, “You’re welcome. Thank you for coming with me. Thank you for trusting me.”

A tear slides down Travis’s cheek and Avery brushes it away.

“I love you.”

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This story came together from as unlikely places as the characters within it. It began, first, as a naughty little birthday gift for a friend—a short story about a cowboy who seeks some company one night in the form of a handsome prostitute and overcomes some of his sexual hang-ups once that company arrives. I wrote the first draft and lived with it for a few weeks before sharing it with anyone. During that time, I became slowly more and more curious about the lonely cowboy’s savior—the mysterious William, who came off so confidently at first but showed signs of vulnerability later. Who was William once he left Tucker behind in that hotel room? What kind of life did he go home to? What was at the heart of that flicker of improbable shyness?

William, the man, the complete person, flaws and all, began to blossom, but he had a counterpart—Jacen, someone who had some of the blind, impulsive courage that William lacked. Then, strangely, the story’s timeline skipped ahead for me and all I kept envisioning were vivid scenes of those two men—friends hiding from the world, who were so used to being these living dolls for others to play with that they had forgotten what it was to live for their own sakes. I saw them trying, and failing, and finding themselves while the only thing keeping them sane was simple companionship.

As I worked backward, reveling in the promise of their twisted innocence before they listened to their hearts and ran, other pieces fell into place. Timothy, for one, was born of a song. The poignancy of music, its changeability, hope and the emotions it evokes have always been the key to his character for me. He became real before I even included him in the story, was whispering in my ear before he whispered in Liam’s, and I couldn’t have written this without him.

I took a lot of factual and geographical liberties with this book in my efforts to get the characters and story where they needed to go, and many thanks to my editors for steering things back onto a more probable track whenever there were bumps in the road. Though I knew clearly how things needed to progress and where the ending lay, at times I felt like I’d internalized these characters. Jacen was my muse, giving me ideas and taking charge; Timothy was my heart; Yasha was my devil’s advocate; Valery was my sanctuary; Liam was my logic and emotion, striving to keep up and survive the journey. I struggled with the more painful passages, dreading the darkness and torment they would inflict, even though the light at the end was right there, burning brightly.

This book is dedicated to everyone out there that can relate to any of the horrors that the characters in this story endured, whether it is abuse, terminal illness, loneliness, hopelessness, homelessness or the things that those inflictions drive us to do out of self-preservation or for the sake of those we love. Be steadfast in your own journeys, pay the price that fate demands and use trust to guide you, as Liam and Jacen did. The only way out is through. I would also like to dedicate this book to my husband, who taught me how to trust, how to heal the heart with laughter and be brave enough to chase my dreams, wherever they may lead.

Website:
Lynn Kelling

Five years ago,
Lynn Kelling
spontaneously started writing and hasn’t stopped since. It all started with the desire to take a closer look at behaviors and ideas lurking at the fringes of life—basically anything that people may hesitate to speak of in mixed company, but everyone wonders about anyway. She is drawn to that which some may consider to be taboo—the darker and wilder the better—in order to expose the humanity within it. Our most telling moments are conveyed through intimacy and that which makes us feel vulnerable, powerful, or both, and so what could be more intriguing? Lynn is an artist and lover of any form of creative self-expression that comes from a place of honesty and emotion, whether it’s body art or opera. She works as a multimedia designer in the Philadelphia area where she lives with her husband and two children.

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