When I Surrender (13 page)

Chapter
Sixteen

Mc
Kenna

The events of last night had me reeling and the harsh light of morning did nothing to bring clarity. When I’d told Knox about Brian’s advances and that I needed to go home, he’d been so indifferent. But then he’d taken me to his bed – our lovemaking rough and passionate. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was his way of letting me go.

Last night had been so intense, so unexpected. Feeling him mark me with his hot semen
made me crave him even more. Everything about Knox was addicting – from the way he took charge of my body and my pleasure to the way he commanded my heart.

I climbed from bed while
he slept, hauling my backpack to the bathroom to wash up and change. When I returned to his bedroom, I wondered how I would wake him, how I could possibly say goodbye, but the bed was now empty. The messy blankets were the only evidence of our night spent together. But finding him missing wasn’t what stopped me dead in my tracks. On the window beside his bed I saw three little words written with a fingertip on the frosty pane of glass.
I love you.

Knox has left me a message, something he wasn’t capable of telling me out loud.

I sunk down on the mattress, trying to process what this meant – why he’d left this for me to see and then fled the room. I wanted to run down the stairs, find him, and throw myself into his arms. But as I sat there staring at the words fading into the glass, I started to become angry.

I’d given him my virginity, my complete
trust, I’d told him I loved him. I’d cared for him and his brothers when they were sick and I’d risked my entire career. And for what? A man who seemed so indifferent to me leaving? Who didn’t even possess the courage to say back to me what I’d already told him weeks ago?

Feeling crushed, I glanced
up one last time, and saw the words had faded into nothing. They were gone. Not even a trace remained. If Knox had really wanted me to see this…why would he have written it somewhere so fleeting?

I grabbed my backpack and headed downstairs. All four of the Bauer boys
were in the kitchen, fixing breakfast while Knox fiddled with the coffee pot. He took his time, adding the filter and coffee to the machine, then crossing the room to add water to the carafe. Was he avoiding me?

“I’m gonna head out. Have a good day at school, boys.” Three sets of warm brown eyes turned to mine
while Knox focused on his task with a deep crease etched across his forehead. “Bye, Knox.” I forced the words from my mouth when all I wanted to do was go to him.

“Bye
, McKenna,” he said softly, refusing to even glance my way.

Okay
, then. I wouldn’t build up our relationship in my mind into something it wasn’t. He wasn’t ready and only time would tell if he ever would be.

Chapter Seventeen

McKenna

“You about ready, McKenna?”
Brian called from the living room several days later.

“Just about.
My suitcase weighs a metric ton!” I tugged the unwieldy thing unsuccessfully across my room. I knew he wanted to be on the road early this morning and the main hold up was me.

“Here. Let me get it.” Brian easily lifted the suitcase from the floor and towed
it to the foyer. “Geez, you pack enough?” He chuckled.

Seriously, that bag had to weigh fifty pounds. But I didn’t know how long I’d be gone. This time I was going to take care of my parents
’ matters once and for all. No more having my past hanging over my head. When I came back to Chicago, it would be with all the skeletons in my closet cleared out so I could finally move forward. At least that was my goal.

---

Being back in my small home town and back in the guest room at Brian’s parents’ house felt strange. I expected it to feel safe and comfortable, but it was anything but. I felt oddly out of place, like I was trying to squeeze myself into a spot I no longer fit. And if I had to hear Brian’s mom Patty ask me one more time how I was doing or tell me that I’d gotten too thin, I was going to scream. But it was Christmas Eve, so I was trying to be calm and put on my happy face for the sake of the holidays.

I was getting ready for the annual Christmas party Brian’s family threw every year when I heard a knock at the bedroom door. Glancing down at my
robe covered body, I quickly made sure all the important stuff was covered, then answered the door. “Hi, Bri.”

He was dressed in khakis and the
God-awful Christmas sweater his mom had made for him when he was in high school. It looked itchy and uncomfortable – not to mention hilarious. He was a grown man with red and green reindeer dancing across his chest and stomach.

“Don’t say anything,” he warned me, fighting off a smile.

I patted his shoulder. “You’re a good son.”

“Consider yourself lucky she didn’t make you one of these things. When I told her you were coming home
, there was talk of patchwork poinsettias in gold and red.”

“Wow, I guess I
dodged a bullet.” It was nice – whatever this was – happening between Brian and me. It felt like old times.

“You sure you’re okay with tonight?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugged. “There’ll be a lot of people you haven’t seen in a while.
If that’s going to make you uncomfortable, you don’t have to come.”

Releasing a heavy sigh, I considered my options. Though I wasn’t particularly excited about the party, sitting alone in my room sounded even more miserable. “And what would I do instead, hide out up here?”

“No. You and I would go out and do our own thing – catch a movie or something.”

His offer was sweet, but no, I could handle this.
I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be fine.”

He smiled at me, a genuine heart-warming smile that put me at ease. “Okay. Choice is yours. If tonight gets to be too much, just say the word and we’re gone.”

As nice as it was knowing I had options, I needed to do this – if only to prove to myself that I could. “I’m good. Just don’t leave me alone with Jimmy Shane. You remember how grabby he was in high school?”

“He tries to touch you and I
can promise I’ll remove every finger from his hand.” He grinned. “Well, I just stopped by to see if you needed anything from the store…my mom’s sending me out for more eggnog before the party starts.”

“Nope, I’m good. I just need to finish getting ready.”

“Okay, see you soon then.”

---

When a police officer stood at the front door an hour later, his face ashen and grim, my stomach plummeted to my toes. It was eerily similar to that fateful day two policemen had shown up at my door and told me about my parents. All those horrible feelings came rushing straight back. I gripped the arm of the man standing next to me, not caring in the slightest that it was Jimmy Shane.

I watched in slow motion as Brian’s parents, Patty and Dave, stepped into the hallway with the cop. When Patty broke out in a loud sob and buried her face against her husband’s chest, I crumpled into a ball, collapsing onto the floor. Something had happened to Brian.

The room around me spun, tilting and pitching violently. The police officer left, Dave got Patty settled on the couch, and then made some type of announcement. The blood rushing in my ears blocked out what was said. Or maybe I just wasn’t ready to know yet. Party-goers began to filter out. I remained frozen to the spot I’d claimed on the living room carpet, too afraid to move, unable to think.

When Dave lifted me to my feet a short time later, I struggled to make sense of his words. The roads had been icy. Brian was in a car accident. He was at Mercy West in critical condition. He handed me my coat and was waiting for me to respond.

“Are you coming with us?”

Brian was alive?
“Of course.”

We piled into the car, my nerves completely shot. Even though Brian was alive, I couldn’t let myself breathe just yet. My dad had survived his accident for two days in critical condition before the blood hemorrhage in his brain ended his life. And I knew Patty and Dave were probably thinking the same thing. They’d stayed by my side through it all, sleeping in hospital waiting rooms and eating out of vending machines right alongside me. It was only fitting that I be here now with them in their darkest hour. Hugging my arms around myself for warmth in the backseat, I watched as they held hands on the center console – gripping each other tightly. I felt scared and alone.

---

Brian looked worse than I expected. And even though I’d been down this road before, nothing
could adequately prepare you to see someone you care about pale and broken in a hospital bed, punctured with tubes and hooked up to machines beeping about God knows what. But for his parents’ sake, I tried to be the calm one and hold it together while they cried over his limp and battered body.

He had lacerations on his face and head
from flying glass, a punctured lung when the airbag deployed after he’d struck the lamppost, a concussion and a leg broken in three spots. But he was stable and assuming he did well over the next couple days, he’d be downgraded from critical to serious condition. The doctors were taking every safety precaution, but believed Brian would pull through.

The
next day was a blur – but in an all too familiar way. The constant worry and stress, the sterile hospital air, a stiff neck from sleeping in an uncomfortable chair, and the dark circles lining my eyes were all too familiar.

In the chaos of it all, I’d somehow forgotten it was Christmas
Day. I thought of Knox and the boys and missed them with every ounce of my being. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up tight in Knox’s strong arms and tucked safely away from all this heartache. But I supposed being near him brought a different kind of heartache. I wondered what they were doing today…if they had a Christmas tree in the living room with wrapped presents underneath, or if they were working together to make a big dinner later.

I looked up to see Dave dozing quietly in a chair beside Brian’s bed and Patty flipping through a magazine for the twelfth time. “I’m going to go make a quick phone call,” I whispered to Patty. “You want another cup of coffee?”

“Sure, hon, that’d be great.”

It was all she’d eaten or drank since we’d arrived here yesterday.

Stepping into the hallway, I took a moment to gather myself. I had no idea what to expect calling Knox. We hadn’t talked in eight long days. Not since he’d so thoroughly claimed my body and then let me walk away without a backward glance.

I leaned against the wall for support, drawing deep breaths as I dialed his number.

“McKenna….” he answered on the first ring.

The rough sound of his voice brought a thousand memories rushing back.
“Hi.”

“Are you still in Indiana?”
he asked.

I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

I should have known he’d hear it in my voice. He knew me too well. “Oh God, Knox….” Tears sprang to my eyes and the tightness in my chest threatened to close my throat. “It’s Brian…I don’t know what to do….”

“Christ, what’s he done now?
” he barked.

“No, nothing…he was in a car accident. I’m at the hospital. I slept here last night with his parents.”

“You weren’t in the car with him, were you?”

“No. I was at his parents’ house when it happened.”

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. “Is he okay?”

“I – I don’t know yet.
” My voice broke and I chocked on my words, tears freely streaming down both cheek. It was the first time I’d cried since I’d found out about the accident. I’d held it together in front of his parents and the parade of doctors and nurses, but somehow the comforting familiar sound of Knox’s deep voice sent me over the edge.

Knox waited while I sobbed, fighting for breath,
never once rushing me. “He was banged up pretty bad, but they’ve repaired his lung and his leg, so as long as the concussion didn’t do any damage, he should be okay.”

“Breath
e for me, angel. It’ll be okay.”

I dre
w a deep breath, struggling to regain my composure. The busy nurses and hospital staff shuffling past paid me little attention. Apparently a girl crying uncontrollably in the hallway was a normal occurrence. I forced myself to maintain my hard-won sense of self-control, focusing on the sound of Knox’s steady breaths to calm me.

“I’m sorry…
.” I whispered.

“Don’t apologize. Are you al
l right?”

“I think so. I just hate being back in this hospital, and I hate feeling so helpless. I mean, this is Bri…we’ve been inseparable since first grade.”

“Hang in there, okay?”

I nodded and then smiled
, realizing he couldn’t see me. “I’ll try.”

“So I know it’s the wrong time to ask, but the guys miss you. Any idea when you’ll be coming back?”

“No clue. I’ve taken a leave from work. I want to be here for Brian, ya know?” I had requested one because I wasn’t sure how long all of this would take, and now with the accident, I was even less certain.

“Understood.”

Was that sadness in his voice? “He was there for me when, you know, so I should be here for him and his parents.”

“Of course.
I get it, McKenna. You guys have a past and he’s been in an accident. It makes sense you’d want to be by his side.”

“Yeah.”
I shuffled my feet, trying to think of something else to say. I wasn’t done hearing his voice.

“Merry Christmas, angel,” he whispered.

I’d forgotten that was the reason I’d called in the first place. “Merry Christmas,” I whispered back. “What are you guys up to today?”

“
Nikki and the baby came over for a little bit. Tucker had gotten Bailee a gift. And now we’re getting ready to head out. We’re actually going to the soup kitchen to volunteer. We’re cooking Christmas dinner for those with nowhere else to go today.”