When You Are Mine (18 page)

“The only thing I
can
do. Stay.”

K
erris waited for the elevator doors to open, fidgeting with the bangle she wore, touching her river stone. She had finally started making a few pieces with the rocks she’d gathered from the river the last two years. Cam had complimented her on it this morning before they left for work.

He’d been disconcertingly sweet and gentle after that first night. He had not hurt her, not physically, but he had smudged her soul, leaving her feeling sullied and worthless. She and Cam had not spoken of it again. She remembered the sex they’d had. She couldn’t call it lovemaking. When he’d found his release, it was as if he’d emptied a stream of dark emotion into her body, and had also emptied his heart. She had lain there for long moments, afraid to even move. Finally he had wiped her cheeks free of leftover tears.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her ear, pulling the long dark hair over her naked shoulder and smoothing it down her back. “Did I hurt you?”

She’d shaken her head, but could find no words. He was like a madman she watched warily, afraid his emotional pendulum would swing back into a rage from the eerie calm. She’d held herself stiffly as he lifted her in his arms, walking to the bathroom. He’d put them both in the shower, leaning his back against the tiles, watching her, his eyes slowly clearing of the ominous clouds. She had stood under the warm stream of water, arms limply at her sides, awaiting his next move.

“It was just a kiss, right?” Cam had asked softly, reaching for the shampoo and massaging a dollop into her hair. “It didn’t mean anything, right?”

“It was just a kiss.” Kerris had nodded her head under his hands. She had wondered if he noticed that she couldn’t lie; couldn’t bring herself to say it hadn’t meant anything.

“Let’s forget about it.” In his voice she’d heard a warning and a yearning. A warning that it could never happen again, and a yearning that it never had. He’d stroked the wet hair back from her face. “Let’s wash it away and watch it go down the drain.”

They’d both bent their heads, watching the suds swirl out of sight. She’d known it was childish and even dysfunctional, how he wanted to handle it. To pretend it hadn’t happened, but she didn’t know another way to go forward, so she watched the soap disappear through the drain. She knew the selective amnesia didn’t extend to Walsh. She recognized that she wasn’t to mention his name, and she certainly couldn’t have any contact with him.

Thus the system they’d worked out to see Kristeene. Kerris walked out of the elevator toward Kristeene’s hospital room. Jo had broken the news to them. Kristeene’s illness, while heartbreaking, had actually brought Cam and Kerris closer. Cam was grappling with the thought of losing the woman who had been more of a mother to him than his own, and it left him vulnerable and needy. He’d turned to Kerris, and she’d been there for him.

She could only hope someone was there for Walsh, too.

It had been six weeks since the surgery to remove as much of the cancer as possible. Kristeene’s physician, Dr. Ravenscroft, had told them how badly the cancer had metastasized, its malignant tentacles stretching into the surrounding organs. Stomach cancer was one of the hardest to catch, and once as advanced as Kristeene’s, was hard to defeat. After surgery, chemotherapy, and even some radiation, Kerris could see in Kristeene’s eyes that she was tired of fighting. Her heart ached at the thought of that lady warrior vanquished by this merciless disease.

Kristeene had wasted away, declining so rapidly Kerris could barely believe the wraithlike figure sitting up in bed when she visited was the same fierce lady who had grilled her before awarding her the scholarship a few years ago.

Kerris, so absorbed by her own thoughts, didn’t look up until it was too late. She slammed into a beautifully scented woman leaving Kristeene’s room. The woman’s papers spilled onto the floor at their feet. They both dropped to their haunches, scrambling to gather everything.

“I’m so sorry,” Kerris said, steadily picking up papers.

“It’s okay.” The other woman smiled and tilted her head, studying Kerris’s face. “Kerris, right?”

“Oh, yeah.” Kerris studied the woman’s closely cropped auburn waves, smooth brown skin, and killer body. “And you’re?”

“Sorry. Trish McAvery. I’m Walsh’s assistant. He has a picture of you and your husband on his phone.”

“Oh, you’re working here, right?”

“Yeah, we’re using space in the foundation’s office while his mother is sick.” Trish rose to her full height. “But Walsh can work from just about anywhere. Between teleconferencing and Skype, we get it done. And he flies out at least once a week.”

“He’s not here, is he?”

Kerris primed herself to flee. She couldn’t chance seeing him, or being seen with him. She and Cam usually visited during the day when Jo assured them Walsh was at the office.

“No, he left about an hour ago. He forgot these papers and had a teleconference he couldn’t be late for, so he sent me back for them.”

“Are you staying in Rivermont while Walsh is working from here so much?”

“Yeah, I’ve relocated for the time being.” Trish grimaced her distaste.

“I guess it’s quite an adjustment, huh?” Kerris smiled at Trish’s face. “I mean, I guess Rivermont is really different from New York City.”

“Now
that
is an understatement.” Trish shifted from one Manolo Blahnik–shod foot to the other, still straightening the disheveled papers. “The shopping alone.”

“I’ve never been to New York, but I can imagine.”

Trish eyed Kerris’s bright orange vintage pea coat, wide-legged dark wash jeans, and wedge-heeled boots.

“You seem to be managing just fine. That bracelet is sick. You didn’t get that from around here, did you?”

“I actually made it myself.” Kerris couldn’t stop the proud grin taking over her face.

“It’s unique.” Trish stroked the stone at the center. “I’ve got a friend in the Fashion District who would kill for pieces like that. You have any more?”

“You really like it?”

“I think it’s über. I’m going back to New York for the holidays tomorrow. Let me take that to show my friend. I bet she’d sell your stuff in her shop in SoHo.”

“SoHo?” Kerris’s jaw dropped from shock before she slammed it shut. “But this…this isn’t even that good.”

“You telling me your other stuff is even better?”

“I think so.” Kerris slipped off the bangle, offering it to Trisha. “Take it.”

“Cool.” Trish shared a quick smile, reaching for her phone. “Let’s exchange numbers, and I can call you when I hear something back.”

Trish slipped the phone back into her purse.

“I’m leaving tonight. I almost hate to go with Mrs. Bennett the way she is.”

“How
is
she?” Kerris nodded her head toward Kristeene’s open door with a concerned frown.

“Not good. She and Walsh met with Dr. Ravenscroft this morning. There’s nothing more they can do.”

“What do you mean?” Kerris refused to believe what she was hearing, afraid to consider how it would ravage the two men she cared about the most.

“They caught this too late, and just can’t get to it fast enough. It’s aggressive and has spread to her liver, kidneys, back, lymph nodes. It’s literally eating her alive. All they can do now is help her manage the pain.”

“No.” Kerris felt the sharp sting of tears behind her eyelids. “How did Walsh take it?”

“He went to work.” Trish twisted her lips with something approaching contempt. “He’s more like his father than I thought.”

“Don’t misjudge him.” Kerris narrowed her eyes at Trish’s tone. “He went to work because he had to. If he stops, he’ll fall apart. She needs him strong, so he’ll be strong. He’s not like his father. Work doesn’t have him. Money doesn’t have him. Power doesn’t have Walsh. Walsh has Walsh.”

“Oh.” Trish raised her brows a curious inch. “You seem to know him very well.”

“He’s my husband’s best friend,” Kerris said before changing the subject. “I assume Walsh’ll be here for Christmas then.”

“Yeah, she wants to be home for Christmas, and Walsh is going to focus on her completely. He’s given me time off till the new year. They don’t know if she’ll…”

Kerris was glad Trisha allowed her words to trail off. She wasn’t ready to hear that the doctors weren’t sure Kristeene would make it to the new year.

“You think it’s okay if I go in to see her?” Kerris wasn’t sure she was prepared to see Kristeene, but knew she needed to.

“I’m sure she’d enjoy the company. Well, Walsh’ll be waiting for these papers. I better go.”

Kerris hovered at the door to Kristeene’s hospital room. She fought back a wave of panic, thinking of Iyani. Sweet Iyani who had fought so valiantly, and lost. And now it appeared that Kristeene’s surrender was, though delayed, a foregone conclusion. Death would hover over the holidays.

She pushed the door open inch by inch.

“Can I come in?”

“Kerris,” Kristeene whispered around a weak smile. “So glad you came by.”

“Cam’ll come on his lunch break.” Kerris sat in the hard-backed chair beside Kristeene’s bed.

“Walsh just left not too long ago.” Kristeene pressed her lips together and frowned. “So they still aren’t speaking?”

“What?” Kerris played dumb. She hadn’t realized it was that obvious Walsh and Cam were avoiding each other. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Kristeene gave Kerris a long look before extending a thin arm, the bones of her hand prominent from weight loss. Kerris accepted her hand, squeezing it and pulling it to her head, bowing over it like a royal subject to this queenly woman whose compassion had changed her life.

“Kerris, has anyone told you what the doctor said this morning?”

Kerris stiffened, not expecting this direct tack, unprepared to fake or hem or haw. She nodded slowly, raising her head to find Kristeene’s knowing eyes on her face.

“The time for lies, hiding, and faking is over.” Kristeene lifted Kerris’s chin with one finger, forcing her to meet the eyes of a sage. “You love my son. Both of them, actually.”

Kerris closed her eyes, hoping the thin layer of protection her eyelids provided would block out the knowledge and, she was certain, the judgment she’d see in Kristeene’s eyes.

“Look at me,” Kristeene commanded with gentle force, tilting Kerris’s chin another centimeter. “I’m not judging you.”

“How can you not?” Kerris managed a tearful whisper, swallowing the tide of shame and guilt she couldn’t subdue under Kristeene’s weary, steady stare.

“Kerris, I wish I had known how you felt about Walsh before you married Cam.” Kristeene ran her fingers across the coolness of the sheets on her hospital bed.

“I didn’t see Walsh coming. Could never have predicted anyone would make me feel…” Kerris left the words unspoken, but the truth still blared into the silence. “I care about Cam and thought we were perfect for each other. We had so much in common. We made sense. Meeting Walsh made me question everything I’d believed about myself and about my feelings. About what I was capable of feeling.”

Kerris paused, swallowing past the shame clogging her throat before she continued.

“Then I saw Walsh with Sofie, and I knew she was the kind of woman for him. That he’d never marry a nobody like me. They made sense as much as Cam and I did. I believed that.” Kerris chewed at the corner of her bottom lip. “Has Walsh ever talked to you about me?”

“No, we’ve never talked about this.” Kristeene gave a quick shake of her silk-covered head. “At least not directly.”

“You seemed so certain. How did you know?”

“Do you really want me to tell you?”

“You said yourself the time for hiding is over.”

“Yes, I believe it is.” Kristeene released a heavy sigh. “I’m afraid it’s very clear when the two of you are together that there is something between you.”

“Is it that obvious?” Kerris moaned and dropped her head into both hands.

“Kerris, the way my son looks at you is like—” Kristeene started, briefly hesitating. “It’s like a starved man. It’s like he can’t bring himself to look at anything else in the room.”

Kerris felt her face heating and her hands shaking. She could not believe she was having this conversation with Walsh’s mother.

“I had a man look at me that way once.” Kristeene’s wistful smile was reminiscent of the young beauty she had obviously been.

“Who was it?”

“It was my husband.” Kristeene sat up straighter in her bed, leaning into her story. “I was in New York with my family. My father was there for a restaurateur’s convention, and I met Martin at a hot dog stand on the street.”

“I can’t imagine Mr. Bennett eating a hot dog.” Kerris’s lips twitched at the image of Walsh’s impeccably tailored, unyielding father eating from a street vendor.

“Oh, there’s a lot you probably can’t imagine about my husband.” Kristeene laughed, wincing a little. “We spent every moment we could together in that week I was there.”

“What happened?”

“It was like the love you read about in books. Epic. Instant. Perfect.”

Kristeene fixed her eyes ahead, but she was obviously seeing a scene years past.

“He had no idea who I was, who my family was. He was so ambitious and driven and self-contained. That ambition frightened me. I was afraid he wouldn’t want me for myself, but for all that came with me. I lied to him and told him I was on my own in New York for the first time. At the end of the week, we couldn’t imagine life without each other. A week, and it was so deep and like I had known him all my life.”

Kerris bit the inside of her jaw until she tasted blood. She knew what that felt like, but she couldn’t even nod her head in acknowledgment. It would be too telling, and Kristeene already knew too much.

“We eloped.” A defiant grin lit Kristeene’s much thinner, but still beautiful face. “And then the trouble started. He was livid when he found out I was one of
those
Walshes. Said everyone would think he’d married me for my money, and that everything he achieved people would assume had been given to him because of my family. It all backfired. He worked so hard to prove it wasn’t true that we kind of lost each other. And I only made it worse by suggesting that he’d be able to spend more time with his family if he’d just go work for my father.”