When You Are Mine (14 page)

He sliced into an onion, shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter.

“I had nothing to do with that, and if I could get rid of it, believe me I would.”

“Do-Good, huh? I don’t know what to believe. The nickname, or the rumors I’m hearing that you are definitely being very bad.”

He sobered and stopped chopping, seeing the ounce of censure in her eyes, underscored by at least a liter of concern.

“What have you heard?”

“Oh, what everyone else has heard.” She wiped a nonexistent spot from her spotless countertop. “That you and Sofie have been living the wild life. Is it true?”

“Yes.”

He didn’t hesitate, wanting to confess his debauchery to her like a penitent altar boy. Wanting to tell her about all the alcohol and the sex. Even about the threesome he’d escaped by the skin of his teeth. Knowing she’d understand, that one forbearing look from her would scrub his soul clean.

“Why?” She studied him with cautious eyes.

“Don’t ask me that.” He looked away, soaping the smell of onions from his hands, unable to free his voice of grimness. “Let’s just say I needed to work a few things out of my system and leave it at that.”

“I was worried.” Her words were a sigh and a confession.

“Don’t waste your time worrying about me.”

“But it’s out of your system?”

“I don’t think…it…will ever be out of my system, but I’m better.” He captured the braid hanging between her shoulder blades, studying the dark, fire-studded length of it skimming down to her waist, the ends brushing against the leather of her belt. “Your hair’s grown. I like it.”

She closed her eyes and pushed back against his fist shackling her braid. He could feel the heat of her flesh hidden beneath the clothes. His hand splayed against her back, trapping the braid for a second before grasping it again, wishing he never had to let go.

“What are you two up to?”

Kerris’s eyes jerked open, and Walsh set her hair free. She stepped away from the sink, crossing over to Cam in the kitchen doorway to link her hand with one of his. In the other he palmed two small tomatoes.

“Oh, the tomatoes.” She took them both, her smile forced. She tipped up to press a kiss to Cam’s cheek. “Thank you.”

“I see Walsh got here first.” Cam’s jaw relaxed under her lips.

Walsh stopped himself from flinching at Kerris’s deliberate affection, the necessary cruelty of her kiss. He got the message. He knew she’d never do anything to hurt Cam. Never cheat on him. Neither would he, but he looked at her trying not to glance in his direction. He knew it wasn’t as easy as she made it seem. He wanted it to be easy—for her and for Cam, which was why he would cut his trip short.

“’Fraid I gotta head back to New York in the morning.” Walsh dried his still-damp hands on a nearby dishtowel. “I thought I’d be able to stay until Tuesday, but I’m leaving right after tomorrow’s board meeting. A project I’ve been working on.”

“Damn, Walsh.” Disappointment clearly marked Cam’s even features. “I was hoping we could hang out a little. We haven’t since Kenya.”

He meant it. Walsh could see that Cam really meant it. He was genuinely sorry they wouldn’t get to spend more time together. Cam was fighting for their friendship and fighting for his marriage, both equally important. Their eyes locked across the room, and Walsh hated the open secret that lay between them. He needed Cam in his life as the brother he’d never had. And never seeing Kerris again, even in innocent snatches, would be a lifelong suffocation. He would fight, too, as best he could.

“I know.” Walsh focused all his attention on Cam. “I promise we’ll catch up when things slow down.”

“You’ve been busy with your supermodel girlfriend.” Cam’s good-natured taunting hit a sore spot, but Walsh locked his smile in place. “When are you gonna make an honest woman out of Sofie, by the way?”

“Honest woman?” Cam knew him better than anyone. Surely he was joking. “What do you mean?”

“You know. An honest woman. Here comes the bride, all dressed in white. It’ll be the wedding of the year.”

“What the hell.” Walsh let out a short bark of laughter. “Cam, you know I’d never marry Sofie. I know everyone else is deluded, but you know me better than that.”

“I tried to tell ’em.” Cam aimed his legendary smirk at Kerris. “I told Kerris last summer you’d never marry Sofie, but she, Jo, and everyone else thought you would.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Walsh caught a glimpse of Kerris’s stricken face before she turned away and started wiping out the sink, her movements quick and jerky.

Had she thought…?

“Hey, Cam!” Jo yelled from the next room. “We’re up. You playing poker, or what?”

“Gotta go whup some ass.” Cam rubbed his hands together. “Don’t leave without saying good-bye, Walsh. I know what an antisocial bastard you’ve been lately, so I wouldn’t put it past you.”

The quiet in the kitchen was broken only by the clanging of dishes as Kerris loaded the dishwasher with less than her typical grace.

“Did you think I was going to marry Sofie?” Walsh tried to keep his tone calm, despite the horrific suspicion blossoming in his mind.

“What? I’m sorry, what’d you say?”

He walked up behind her to cover her hands, halting the methodical loading.

“I asked if you thought I was going to marry Sofie.”

“Yeah, everyone did.” She looked down at his large hand eclipsing hers. “Does.”

“Did you think I was going to marry Sofie the night you got engaged?” His voice roughened like a Brillo pad. “Did you, Kerris?”

Her lips slammed shut, a flimsy gate guarding her emotions. She finally looked up at him.

“Yes.”

He stepped back, jerking his hands from hers.

“Was that why you accepted Cam? Because you thought I was going to marry Sofie?”

“I wanted a family, a commitment. Roots.” Her words came out in a rush, but she could have said them slowly and they still would make no sense. “Those have always been the most important things to me. I thought…I thought you were going to marry Sofie, and Cam was perfect for me. It was the right choice.”

“You honestly believe that? Or are you trying to convince us both because you made a mistake?”

“I didn’t make a mistake.” Her eyes drifted to the floor. “It was the only choice for me.”

“The only—” He sealed his mouth against the words fighting to escape. “You’ve ruined my friendship with Cam. Made everything so damned complicated—”

“Things are not complicated.” She had the nerve to glare at him. “It’s very simple. I’m married to Cam, and you’re his best friend. Simple.”

“Is it simple that I can’t stop thinking about you? About the kiss in that hospital room?” He took one step, eating up the small space separating them until he knew she could hear his whisper. “About how you taste? How you feel? Is that
simple
, Kerris?”

“Stop it.” She spat the words, looking over his shoulder at the open door.

“Is it simple that I’m in love with you?” He couldn’t hold it back, even with the guilt eating him. To be this close to her again after so long was rapture and torture. “’Cause it feels pretty complicated to me.”

“Don’t say that.” Her voice was soft, but fierce. “Don’t ever say that again.”

“What? The part about me being in love with you?” He narrowed his eyes to frustrated slits. “Should I also not mention that I think you feel the same way about me?”

“You’re wrong.” She lifted her chin and lowered her brows. “You’re a good friend. That’s all.”

“We’ll just ignore this thing between us for the rest of our lives, huh?”

“Marriage is sacred to me.” One tear escaped her unblinking eyes. It looked so lonely on her face, Walsh was glad when she swiped it away. “Having children, a family, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“We could have had that
together
.”

Walsh grabbed her shoulders, being careful of her even in this pressure-cooker moment. The feel of her under his hands was almost too much. He wanted her mouth. He wanted to lick every inch of exposed skin and uncover the rest.

“It’s too late.” She twisted away from his hungry hands. “I love Cam. You have to believe that.”

“You won’t make me believe you feel for Cam what you feel with me.”

“I can’t control what you believe. I can only control myself, and I choose to go forward. You should do the same. Forget all of this.”

“Well, you really didn’t leave us much choice. Do you know why I stayed away all year?”

She wouldn’t look up even when he waited for her to answer.

“I couldn’t stand seeing you together, so I stayed away.”

“Don’t do that.”

She reached toward him before dropping her hand to her side.
Wise
. If she touched him, he might combust. He might spread her out on that spotless counter and possess her completely, Cam and the rest of the world be damned.

“Walsh, your mother, Jo, your uncle James and…Cam missed you so much.”

“What do you expect me to do? Hang around and watch you and Cam sharing your life together? Watch you have his children? How did you see this playing out?”

“I didn’t think in those terms.” She drew a deep breath, tremors agitating her small frame. “I didn’t think you felt that way about me.”

“You’re lying.” He couldn’t let her get away with it. Not now. “You knew there was something between us from the beginning. You ignored it, and then when it flared up in the hospital, you denied it. I was stupid enough to go along with that. It’s just as much my fault as yours. I honestly didn’t think you’d go through with marrying him, not with that between us.”

“There’s nothing between us.”

“Stop lying to me.” He kept his voice low, conscious of the others just down the hall, but his words reverberated through the room like a gong.

“I thought you were marrying Sofie.” By now her voice was flat and final. “I didn’t see you settling down with someone like me—marriage, commitment, kids. I thought you would ultimately choose her.”

“Could you have asked me?” His shoulders slumped under the futility of this discussion. “Could you have checked before you took the irreversible step of marrying my best friend?”

“As long as you know it
is
irreversible.” He’d never seen her soft face so stony.

“What do you think I want? An affair? You think I want you to cheat on the man who’s been like a brother to me?”

“No. I’m just saying we can’t ever talk about this again,” she said, her tone low and resolved. “It won’t do us any good. We need to…get past it.”

“Get past it?” He looked at her like she had grown another head. “If you feel even a fraction of what I feel for you—”

“I don’t. Whatever you think you feel or I feel, or whatever, will pass. I’m married.”

“Oh, you don’t have to remind me of that.” The words dissolved on his tongue like a bitter pill. “Just don’t expect me to stand around and watch it.”

“What do you mean?”

He closed his eyes, exhaling deeply. This was so hard, but he had to do it.

“I don’t want to see you, Kerris.” It was a lie, but it was the truth, too. “And for a while, I don’t think I should see Cam, either. I’ll come home when absolutely necessary, but other than that…”

“You’re the best friend Cam has.” Her voice was wet with tears. “Please don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this. Not to Cam. Not to us. It’s too much.”

Walsh left the kitchen without allowing himself one more look at her. He went down the hall to where Cam was playing cards, gesturing for him to step out onto the privacy of the front porch.

“I’ll let you get back to the game in a sec.” Walsh shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. “My dad is riding me hard on this acquisition, and I don’t know when I’ll be home again.”

“All right.” Walsh could feel Cam searching his face, but he couldn’t meet his best friend’s eyes. “Sure it’s just work?”

“What d’you mean?” Walsh raised one brow to underscore how very sure he was that it was work.

“I mean, I don’t know. It seems like you haven’t been around all year. Just doesn’t feel right.”

“Unavoidable.” Walsh shrugged for good measure.

“Well, you may be an uncle soon. You’ll at least have to come home for that.”

“Kerris is pregnant already?” Walsh’s gut wrenched at the thought, his eyes burning.

“Not yet, but we’ve thrown her pills out.” Cam smiled sheepishly. “You know how bad she’s always wanted kids.”

“Yeah.” Insides withering, Walsh tried to assemble a smile from the scraps he had left. “I do know that.”

“I’ll keep you posted.”

“You do that.” Walsh looked into his friend’s face for what felt like the last time.

He knew it wasn’t; he hoped that somehow he’d be able to exorcise Kerris from his system and reinsert himself back into Cam’s life someday soon. Right now, he couldn’t envision a time when the sight of her didn’t make his pulse pound and his heart constrict. He wanted to be the one holding her at night and waking up with her in the morning. To be the one laughing with her and taking care of her, spoiling her the way she deserved. He wanted to be the father of her children, and that would never be. The finality of that burned like acid through the blood racing toward his heart.

“I won’t be around much for a while.” Walsh reached for his wallet. “But if you need me, if you need anything, call me. And if you can’t get a hold of me for some reason, I have an assistant now, Trisha McAvery. Her number’s on the back of my card.”

Cam accepted the proffered card, but his eyes never strayed from Walsh’s face.

“You sure everything’s okay?”

For a moment, Walsh wanted to spill it all, starting with that first night when he’d seen a tiny angel helping an elderly woman in the parking lot. How his heart had been halfway lost then. To tell him about the kiss in the hospital, and how he’d never known a kiss could be so sweet and hot and perfect until he’d kissed Kerris that day. About their encounter at the gazebo, and how she had taken a portion of his soul hostage that night when she bared her scars, and he wasn’t sure he would ever get it back. He wished he could tell Cam everything, but the time to do that had passed. Nothing would be gained by it now, and it was up to him to do whatever it took to rid his mind and heart of Kerris, at least to the point he could bear to be around them again.