When You Go Away (30 page)

     “Being me?”  Carl asked.

     Noel shook his head and then turned away.  Carl could see his pulse beating in his son’s neck, his blood full of the words he’d almost said.  Noel was scared of being like his old man.

     All the things that had never been said coiled in Carl's throat, the
I love you's
, the
I’m unhappy's,
the
I need help's
.  No one in this family had ever practiced the simple art of the truth, wanting to shield others from the terrible fire inside.  In the last weeks, he'd heard more from Peri and Carly and the hospital staff and even Rosie Candelero than he'd heard his whole adult life.  Even his tennis buddies wanted him to articulate his sadness.  Why hadn't he ever learned to say the things that helped?  Why hadn't he ever listened to what his family needed to say?

     "I did screw up.  Royally.  But you aren’t me.  You aren’t, son.  You’ve stuck by everyone in this family:  your mom, your sister, the kids, me.  You’re the only one.  You know how to do family more than any of us."

     Noel put his head in one hand, his shoulders shaking.  Carl stood up and walked to him, pulling him close.  He hadn't hugged him since he was a boy and Noel’s head used to reach only to his chest.  Now, Noel's quick breaths were in his ear.  "What is it, Noel?"

     After a minute, Noel pushed away and wiped his eyes with his shirtsleeve.  "God.  I haven't done that in a while."

     "I saw someone on Oprah who said we should cry every day."  Carl tried to find a place for his arms, not knowing if the moment had passed or he might need to hold his son again. 

     "Since when do you watch Oprah?"

     "When I don't make it up to tennis.  Don't tell Ralph," Carl said, finding the right laugh, one that lightened but didn't suggest he was ready to stop talking.  "Son?"

     "We can talk later.  We will.  There is someone I met recently, but I just can't think of anything but Peri right now."

     Carl shrugged.  Part of him didn't want to let this go, needing to expose every truth and buff them clear with Lemon Pledge.  But a son--a man--wasn't a table or a counter, and he knew, at least, that one day, Noel would come to him.  "That's fine.  You know I’m always here."

     The front door opened and Peri walked inside holding one of Mrs. Trimble's prized rhododendron blooms. 
That woman
, thought Carl. 
I bet she talked Peri's ear off
.  His daughter closed the door and put the flower carefully on the entry table, its long droopy petals hanging over the edge.

     "He was here."

     "Who?"  Noel asked, all traces of his tears gone.

     "Graham."

     "That son-of-a-bitch."  Carl walked toward the door, but Peri moved in front of him, holding his arm. 

     "He's gone."

     "What did he want?"

     She shook her head, gripping him tighter, more holding on to him for support than holding him back.  "I don't know.  He asked about me and how I felt.  He asked me about what I did.  He talked about Brooke."

     "Shit!"  Noel slapped his thighs.  "I hope you didn't say anything."

     "Maybe I did.  I think . . . I got angry."

      "Shit!"  Noel said again.  "He's probably on his way now to his lawyers.  Maybe he was even taping the whole thing."

     Peri was silent, still, pale, dropping her hand from Carl's arm and backing against the wall.  There was a different look in her eyes, fear freezing her flat and empty.  Is what she looked like that last month in her apartment, the shell of a mother Carly found every morning under the covers?  He wouldn't let her go back to that, not ever.  "Hold on, Noel.  Just wait a minute.  Peri, come sit down."

     He led Peri to a chair and she sat, curling her legs up under her, leaning her head against the back.  He sat on the coffee table and patted her knee.  "So do you think he had a motive?"

     She shook her head, the new cut making her look more like the girl he remembered.  "No.  He--he seemed like he wanted me to tell him something.  To tell him what to do.  Like he was the one who needed direction.  He said he was sorry."

     Noel paced back and forth in front of the window.  Carl shook his head at him as Peri rubbed her eyes, not wanting to scare her any further.  "So, that doesn't sound like the kind of thing he'd want on tape.  If he wanted to frame you, it would be oilier, sneakier, snake-in-the-grass questions, I think."

     Sighing, Noel sat down next to Carl.  "That's right.  He'd lead you into saying the worst kind of thing.  I’m sorry.  I just don't trust him."

     "He seemed sad."  Peri looked up at them.  "And he was trying to tell me something.  But I remembered what you told me, and I left.  I didn't say all the things I wanted to."

     Carl and Noel looked at each other, and then Noel said, "I better let
Preston
know about this."  He stood up and then turned back to Peri.  "Have you thought about what you want to do?  I mean, with the case?  How do you want to plead?  You know what I think."

     Nodding, Peri exhaled.  "I want to plead guilty."  She glanced at them both, her eyes watering.  "I am guilty."



That evening just after dinner time, Carl drove up to Garnet's to take Ryan and Carly out for an ice cream at Fenton's.  After phone calls with Fran and Dr. Kolakowski, Noel had called
Preston
to tell him to accept the deal. 
Preston
had promised to get back to them in the morning with the sentencing date.  Noel and Peri went to a movie, that romantic one about the time traveling man, and once they left, Carl decided to visit the kids and tell them what was going to happen. 
Maybe he'd also get a chance to check out Graham
, he thought. 
See what the SOB was up to.

     Garnet was actually sitting on the living room as Brooke's physical therapist, that guy, what's-his-name, rolled Brooke around on a large rubber ball.

     "
Leon
had some free time and decided to come visit Brooke," Garnet said, standing up stiffly, smoothing her pants, and then walking briskly with Carl into the entryway. 

     Leon raised a hand, and Brooke said, "Gapa," her consonants already more pronounced after only a few visits with the speech therapist.

     "That's right, honey.  Have a good time."

     Garnet led him into the dining room, motioning to a chair.  "Let me get the children."

     "Where's Graham?"

     "Oh.  I . . . I . . ."

     "He came to the house today.  He talked to Peri."  Peri.  His girl, out in the yard because it was good for her, so thin, so alone, forced to talk with Graham, who let this happen. 

     Garnet turned back, confused, her eyes dark.  "What?"

     "That's right.  Graham came up to her while she was gardening and started asking her questions.  Scared her to death.  Made her think he was trying to get her to say something bad.  What's going on Garnet?"

     Garnet bit her lip, flecks of red lipstick sticking to her teeth.  "Well, I don't know.  I didn't know he was going to do that."

     "Where is he?"

     "This is inappropriate, Carl.  You are here to take the children for an ice cream.  We can't talk about this.  It might come up in court."

     "Peri's pleading guilty to a lesser charge.  She's going to be sentenced soon."  The words were out before he had a chance to think, the truth a new habit to which he was becoming addicted.

     "Oh.  My."

     "It probably means she won't get custody right away." 

     Garnet quelled a smile using her lipsticked teeth.  "Oh.

     "So I was wondering what he was doing at the house."

     Garnet grabbed a chair back and leaned toward it, looking down at him.  "He went home for a few days.  He needs to get some things in order, and now, it seems doubly important."

     "Maybe.  But what did he want with Peri?"

     She shook her head.  "I don’t know."

     "He needs to leave her alone.  She's doing so much better, but she was real shook up afterward."

     "Maybe she needs to . . . well, fine.  You're right.  I'll tell him.  He shouldn't have done that."

     "Exactly," he said, turning to avoid Garnet's raised her chin, narrowed her eyes, puckered lips that always said, "Cast no stones here."  In the frame of the kitchen door, Maritza's dark form flickered past. 

     "Well."

      "Good."  He looked up, as prepared for Garnet as for one of Bob's big serves.  "The kids ready?"

Ryan ordered the largest sundae on the menu, a concoction with eight scoops of ice cream, bananas, whipped cream, and three sauces that spilled over the dish and pooled on the table.  Carly had eyed it as well, but chose the hot fudge sundae instead.  Carl ordered two scoops of peppermint stick in a dish.  After the waitress tucked her order book in her pocket and walked away, he remembered the flavor had been Janice's favorite, not his.

     "So I wanted to tell you two about what's going on with your mother's case."  He licked his spoon and placed it in his dish.  Both kids' lips covered with chocolate they wiped away as soon as they saw him notice.

     "What?"  Ryan asked.

     "Her lawyer decided that it might be better for her to plead guilty to a charge that's not as bad as the one she was arrested for."

     "Guilty?  Does that mean jail?  Will she have to go back to that place?"  Carly dropped her spoon, the metal clattering on the table.

     "No.  Well, probably not.  If she does, we'll have to visit her there instead of at the park or at Fran's office."

     Carly looked down at her lap.  Carl reached over to pat her shoulder.  "I'll go with you.  So will Uncle Noel."

     "But she might not go, right?"  Ryan kept eating as he talked, almost all eight scoops gone.

     "That's right.  Jail time is really not that likely.  Your mom has done great since she came home.  The medicine is working, and she goes to her doctor every day.  And she gets to visit you and Brooke once a week.  She's feeling really good."

     "But will she get us?  If she's guilty, how can we live with her?"  Carly bit her lip in the same way Garnet did, shocking Carl into remembering his grandchildren were actually related to her.

     "That's what I wanted to talk with you about.  Your mom might not get custody, but those arrangements can be reevaluated.  Whatever a judge decides now doesn’t have to be forever."

     "I don't want to go to Phoenix.  I hate
Phoenix
,” Carly said, crying now.

     "Dad left for Phoenix today," Ryan said, sliding his spoon into the ice cream murk at the bottom of his dish.

     "I know.  When exactly did he leave?"

     "In the afternoon or something.  He said he had to go home to do some stuff but that he'd be back in a couple days.  He packed everything."

     "Maybe he thinks he won't have to come back. Maybe he thinks we'll have to go down there and live."  Carly's voice was rising, and Carl shushed her under his breath, patting her shoulder and leaving his hand there to calm her.

     "It wouldn't be that fast.  He'll have to come back to court.  Don't think that," Carl said.  Graham was up to something, though.  His wife surely could have flown up with whatever he needed.  Or if there were bills to pay or matters to organize, couldn't she have done that for him at least?  And Graham must have this much or more vacation time at whatever job he had.  Hell, he could claim it as personal leave.  These were his kids, for Christ's sake!

     "I'm not going down there," Ryan said flatly.  "I'm staying here.  I’m going to tell the judge that.  I'll even stay at Grandma's before I move in with him."

     "You okay with Grandma Mackenzie?"  Carl tried to keep the answer he wanted out of his question.

     "Yeah.  It's cool,” Ryan said.  “We start our new school tomorrow.  She's went down and signed me up for a skateboarding class at the new skate park." 

     "What about you, Carly?  Is it going okay?"

     She looked down at her half-eaten sundae.  "It's okay."

     Carly was holding back something, maybe words she imagined would hurt him.  What?  That she liked it?  Or that she didn't?  Ryan shifted, kicking the table pedestal, and then shrugged.  "Are we like done yet?"

     Outside, Carl took Carly's hand, and she let him keep it, her skin cool against his.  Peri used to walk beside him waiting for him to hold out his hand, grabbing on to it, not wanting to let go until the last minute.  If he closed his eyes right now, he could be back in 1968, his two children walking with him down this same sidewalk, Peri chatting about school, Noel quiet, one step behind them but watching everything.

     "Listen.  You know I don't want you two to live anywhere but here.  But whatever happens, I'm here for you.  Do you understand?"