Where Did It All Go Right? (26 page)

2.
11 March 1980. ‘Losing out on his art class’ was the subheading to a letter printed in the Northampton
Chronicle & Echo
written by my dad. In it he railed against the education cuts that spelled the closure of Nene College’s Saturday morning art classes: ‘My own son is affected by the discontinuance of these classes and I know that he has benefited greatly from the teaching and encouragement he has received not only from the staff but also the opportunity he has of mixing with other children from a wide cross-section of the community … One suggestion is that in future perhaps parents may be prepared to pay on a fee basis … this would be an example of discrimination both on the grounds of ability to pay and also against children gifted in what is perhaps a less publicised pursuit as compared, for example, with sport.’ Way to go, comrade!

3.
My rise to fame in the
Chronicle & Echo
continued thanks to my friend Paul Garner, another Nene Saturday boy, and a far more naturally skilful and fluid caricaturist than I, although we did spark off one another and with so many shared interests –
Mad
magazine, films and much later, the music of Talking Heads – we formed a symbiotic partnership. Paul had already had some cartoons in the paper, but in June 1980, his dad, who worked in the print room at the
Chron
, got someone up there interested in the ambitious caricature project we were working on, our 100 Favourite People. They printed 20 of them, all film stars, as a name-the-faces competition. This led to an appearance on BBC1’s
Look East
– and the ‘Budding artist’ article, in which I was cast merely as Paul’s ‘school-chum’ – and a commission from the paper to draw the entire Northampton cricket team. In June 1981, they printed a sequel to our 20 faces, and we have noticeably improved our strokes. Pap kept that one too.

4.
Pap told us he’d trained Butch to bark whenever a black person went past the house, which was patently untrue, if a disturbing boast.

5.
Mum tells me that Pap Reg was very much the master of his own house when she was a girl, but somewhere along the line, Mabel took over his duties. He wasn’t henpecked, he just preferred a quiet life. I discovered from a speech at his retirement party in 1981 that he could have moved up the ranks at the AEU, but Mabel wouldn’t countenance moving house, so he stayed put. This was said as a testament to his loyalty, but there was a tinge of regret here that I picked up and never forgot. She held him back. She was no dragon though, simply a persuasive and strong-willed woman, and he
was
loyal. I’ll bet he never
looked
at another woman. He once controversially went to see
Emmanuelle
when he was in London on business, but this was common family knowledge, and rather amusing to us too.

6.
It seems crazy this but Pap C was having trouble walking due to an unpleasant but fixable ailment he refused to see a doctor about. In June 1979, Dad drove them 140-odd miles to Bournemouth and then drove back, repeating the process a week later. I went along for the ride actually, and enjoyed the quality time with Dad. He bought me a
Mad
Super Special for the three-hour home journey, and a
Penthouse
for himself (tucked under the
Mad
).

7.
Office sitcom from
Rising Damp
creator Eric Chappell, set in the accounts department of International Rentals with the fabulous Ken Jones and Bernard Hepton in the lead roles (although aged ten I went for the more obviously humorous characters played by the younger Ellis Jones and smooth operator Alan David). Lasted three series, 1975–77.

8.
A ladies’ lifestyle show from Southern TV from the days when the concept of ‘daytime’ hadn’t really been invented.

9.
‘Blow’ was a Ward family colloquialism for a bracing walk.

10.
Gritty ITV six-parter from Euston Films about Frank Ross (Tom Bell), just out of nick, and bent on finding the slag who shopped him.

11.
Paul Newman in a 1966 Chandleresque private-eye thriller written by the great William Goldman, called
Harper
in the US. According to my diary, it made a considerable impression on me: ‘Good and excitin’ … with kidnappings, busting big woodfiles into people’s heads, lobbing people off balconies, driving cars off cliffs … goodies turning out to be baddies, etc.’ A career in film criticism awaited me.

1977

Selected Extracts From My Diary

THE QUEEN’S SILVER
Jubilee, and a sturdy, black WH Smith Desk Diary with handsome, embossed
‘1977’.
Somewhat ruined by the overenthusiastic application of decorative tape to the cover – purchased with tokens off the back of Sugar Smacks packets in March – and a little Jubilee sticker
.

I have filled the so-called
‘Memoranda’
section before the diary starts with many wonderful things, including another aerial view of our Action Man barracks, an in-depth questionnaire for all six of our Action Men (in which we discover that, for example, Captain Steven James Livingstone is nicknamed ‘Libby’, enjoys motorcycling and fish and chips and is best friends with Rodgers – honestly, it’s like backstage at the National), and a self-penned, quasi-Pythonesque Dictionary Of Useless And Silly Words (sample text
:
AGGRO
–
laying in the boot and dobbing over;
BOGEYMEN
–
stupid, green, sticky blokes who get you when you come home from Cubs;
PUNK ROCK
–
heavy ‘music’, Stranglers etc.;
POUFF
–
a bit that way, queero;
UGLY
–
Donny Osmond … and so it goes
).

A further series of questionnaires have been filled in by non-fictional people, from Simon to Paul Milner. In my own, we discover that my favourite film is
The Spy Who Loved Me,
my favourite food is beans, my pet hates are vegetables and haircuts, and my favourite book is
Airport ’77.

Joined-up writing lasts like a New Year’s resolution until 5 January, from whence it’s back to comic-style capitals. The drawings improve but a mood of couldn’t-care-less takes over towards the end of the year with very brief and scribbly entries. Funny age, 11–12
.

Saturday, 1 January

Made a Lego house in the morning. Watched
Swap Shop
. Watched
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
in the afternoon, after playing Monopoly. New series of
Jim’ll Fix It
and
Dr Who
. Watched
Starsky and Hutch
.

Sunday, 2 January

Did drawing in the morning. More to my
Target
comic. Went to Nan Mabel’s for tea and the tea was lovely. Won 12p in bingo.
¹
I started doing a great picture of seagulls with my inks.

Saturday, 8 January

Went shopping this morning. I bought a fab Britains cowboy on horseback. Got some library books. Si went to the Cubs fancy dress party as Dracula. Dad mended my record player. We watched a new series of
Mike Yarwood
.
²
Dad, Simon and I made our model planes. By the way Simon came second in his fancy dress party. Mum wouldn’t let us watch
Starsky and Hutch
.

Sunday, 9 January

Went for a ‘blow’ in the park. It was raining. We saw a squirrel. We saw some mice in the bird cages. Then we popped in Pap Collins’. I got two weeks of
B&MFC
.
³
Pap gave us two a transfer
each
. Dad hung Simon’s plane up on the ceiling. I cut a load of faces out of the
TV
and
Radio Times
. And I’ve drawn cartoon bodies for them.

Tuesday, 18 January

Mum got us three a toothbrush each. Mine’s white. We had to draw a god for RE. I did Collius, God of Drawing! Mrs Goodall is away yet again. We had Mr Bates. No homework. Jes, Angus and I did a brill sequence in PE. Saw
Spot On.
⁴
Si went to Cubs.

Thursday, 10 February

I am getting brill at drawing figures now. In art I painted a footballer. I got 18/20 in the French test. Quite a bit of homework. It was our last lesson with Mrs Watling today as she is having a baby in April, she’s leaving tomorrow. I drew loads of figures tonight. I saw
Just a Nimmo
. Simon did his length at swimming.

Tuesday, 22 February

This morning I ‘lost’ my two Parker pens and so did Gibbons at the same time. Kim and Cameron also ‘lost’ theirs some weeks back. Very suspicious. I’ve been round all the classes.
⁵
Choir’s back on again. A bit of homework. Mum cracked her false teeth and is using her spare ones.

Saturday, 26 February

This morning
Swap Shop
’s Swaporama came to Northampton. Si went. But in vain. And he got his shoes covered in thick mud.
⁶
I
stayed at home. Dad and Mum bought: a picture for the hall, a doormat and a mat for the kitchen. Mum and Dad went over the road to Mel and Margaret’s
⁷
and Si and I stayed here and watched
Thunderball
.

Sunday, 27 February

Si went on the Cub cycle-cross at Overstone. We watched him. He came fifth. Very good. Nan M and Pap R came. I started a mad magazine called
Ferret’s Own
.

Friday, 4 March
MY BIRTHDAY

I got … cassette recorder, two Parker pens, Concorde picture, Asterix book, money (about £7.50), Tempo. Went to the dentist’s in the afternoon. Had a filling. Si had couple out. A bit of homework. My party tomorrow sort of. Just Angus and Soardsy. Melissa is a bit off and was off school.

Sunday, 13 March

Si and I went down the field. Cor. Interesting. Sorry. My days are getting a bit boring these days.
⁸

Monday, 14 March

Dad got us a Matchbox track from Green Shield Stamps. Went to the library after tea. Got:
Heritage of Horror, Dad’s Army, Vision On
and
Asterix
.

Wednesday, 16 March

Normal lessons. Usual stuff. It rained. No drama. Boring. Boring. (I mean today’s diary was boring.)

Thursday, 17 March

It rained a bit. Normal lessons.

Sunday, 20 March

Made a
Jaws
play kit (including rubber Jaws, Lego
Orca
, Quint, policeman and Professor Dreyfuss, two drunks, wreckage, boat).
⁹
Played Newmarket.

Monday, 28 March

My denim waistcoat is well and truly finished. It snowed a tich bit but didn’t settle. Played with Carl. He gave me a load of
Krazys
and I’ve cut them out. Marbles are back in craze.

Friday, 13 May

Did athletics in games. Gained two Habitat marbles. Did drama and missed French. I had a brill scrap with Simon. I really bashed him in.

Wednesday, 18 May

Everyone went down the field, including: me, Angus, Dash, Kate, Taf, Gibby, B Jnr, Ally, Westy, Argy, Chris, Gibs, Si, Roobarb, Hirsty, etc. etc. etc.
¹⁰
Argy and Gibby had a great scrap.

Saturday, 28 May

Went shopping. Melissa is being a twit. It was brill at swimming. It was sweltering. Poufter Dad won’t let me watch
That’s Life
. Maddo.
¹¹

Monday, 30 May

Played an ace game of stony for about two hours with me, Angus, Jes, Doyan,
¹²
Little Paul, Doboe,
¹³
David and Dashfield. Si gave me two marbles, two Habitats, one gobby and one ball bearing. Ace! Brill!

Sunday, 5 June

Looked at Dad’s
Mayfair
magazines. Wahey! Ssssh!
¹⁴
Saw
World About Us
about a zoo doctor. That’s about all I spose. Si and I went on a Jubilee tour of the estate on bikes. We saw all the decorations.
¹⁵

Tuesday, 14 June

We were all woke up at 6.30 because of loads of thunder plus rainrainrain. The garden was flooded, the roads were flooded and most of all, the school was flooded. It was about 24 inches deep in places. We nearly had to swim in the playground, but the spoilsport caretakers pumped it up.

Tuesday, 28 June

Simon went to Coombe Abbey. I got a Jubilee Crown presented in assembly for being ‘highly commended’ in an art comp. in which I painted the Muppets. I’ve joined the Dance and Movement Club.

Wednesday, 29 June

I got through to the second round of the Carol Barratt Art Prize and with the title ‘Wave After Wave’ in which you could do anything to do with the sea. I did a
Jaws
painting. Had loads of French homework. There was a car crash up the top of the street by the pub. One bloke got killed in it.

Tuesday, 12 July
HOLS IN WALES

I got extreemly sunburnt. We went to Black Rock Sands. Congratulations!! You have won ‘Sentence of the Year 1977’ with the most interesting sentence ever written: ‘We went to Black Rock Sands.’ Wow! The way in which the words flow together. It is stupendous. (What does stupendous mean? Eh? Wot’s it mean? I dunno.)
¹⁶

Wednesday, 20 July

It was quite nice and sunny. We discovered the hay barn and Mr Williams said we can climb on it so we did. We went to Black Rock Sands and in a café in Porthmadog I had a knickerbocker glory (45p).
¹⁷
Si had a strawberry ice cream milk shake and Melissa had a strawberry whirl.