Where the Allegheny Meets the Monongahela (3 page)

―Not yet, but I hope to. Right now, I‘m working with him alone;

seeing me is part of his probation. Look, I know what you—and the rest

of the world—think about couples counseling. I‘m sure we‘ll continue

that debate over a beer sometime, but I can tell you this guy doesn‘t fit

the classic abuser profile.‖

―Meaning what? The abuse was a one-time event?‖

―Not only that, but he also has definite anger control issues. And

he‘s instigated physical disputes with
men
—at work, in a bar—‖

―Wait a minute. Something‘s not adding up. He‘s on probation

for smacking his wife
once
?‖

Trudy betrayed slight nervousness by licking her lips before

admitting, ―She was injured rather badly—‖

―Uh huh. Has he admitted he‘s at fault?‖

―Not really. He claims it was an accident—‖

―Of course,‖ Nick snorted.

―Okay, Nick, I admit it. I‘m not really getting anywhere with him.

He‘s angry, morose, and depressed. He‘s separated from his wife and

children, which isn‘t helping, but I can‘t testify that he‘s ready to go

back. I need something to both shake him up a little and make him feel

better about himself… and I think teaching basic automotives for us

might do it. Now, are you going to help me out or not?‖

Nick‘s resolve faltered when Trudy made it a plea rather than a

command. A half-minute of silent consideration allowed him to say,

―Okay. But I‘m going to be there during the whole class. I want to keep

an eye on your friend, ‗Mr. Good-and-Angry Wrench‘.‖

―How are you going to find time for that? I‘ll do it.‖

―You? You‘re busier than me,‖ Nick laughed. ―Besides, Life

Skills is my baby; I‘ll find the time. And I‘m warning you, if there‘s the

slightest bit of trouble with this guy, I‘m pulling the plug.

Immediately.‖

Evidently recognizing a final offer when she heard it, Trudy said,

―Okay, fine—on both counts. I‘ll tell Logan he has a gig.‖

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Felicia Watson

―Logan? Is that his first or last name?‖

―First. Last name is Crane.‖

NICK split his drive home between worrying about this unconventional

volunteer he‘d taken on and the fact that he was over an hour late and

very likely Polly had already left for the day. In a way, he didn‘t blame

her. No one knew better than Nick how tiring ten hours with his mom

could be, but a ―nutty morning‖ usually presaged a nuttier evening and

was always worse when she‘d been left alone on such a day.

His mom didn‘t disappoint. Nick found her sitting expectantly

with her repacked suitcase at her feet and a coat on despite the warm

night.

―Ma, what are you doing?‖ He gently helped her up, saying,

―Come on, get that coat off; you‘re going to get heatstroke.‖

―No, I need to go get Nicky.‖

Nick turned his mom to face him while insisting calmly, ―I
am

Nick, Mom.‖

Agnes reluctantly removed her coat as she shook her head in

bemusement. ―Nick is twelve years old. I left him in Kittanning.‖

A weary sigh escaped him as he led her up the stairs, repeating a

familiar litany. ―I
was
twelve—twenty years ago, when we
both
left

Kittanning. Do you hear me, Mom? We left Kittanning a long, long

time ago.‖

As Nick watched his mom unpack for the second time that day,

he thought:
Yeah, we left Kittanning, but it sure ain’t left us.
He

couldn‘t help but wonder if it ever would.

Where the Allegheny Meets the Monongahela

13

Chapter 2:

Against Our Will Comes Wisdom

And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon

the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us

by the awful grace of God.

—Aeschylus

LOGAN turned his neck just enough to squint at the clock. 7:40 p.m.

Twenty minutes to go in his weekly session with Trudy Gerard, twenty

minutes more of feeling like a dismantled engine—laid bare, poked and

prodded with impunity.

―It‘s about six minutes later than the last time you looked.‖

Shrugging sheepishly, Logan mumbled, ―Sorry.‖

Only a trace of amusement graced Trudy‘s announcement. ―Don‘t

worry, we still have plenty of time for you to tell me how the visit with

your daughters went.‖

―Went okay.‖

―Just okay?‖

There was no way to scrub his voice of the resentment as Logan

blurted, ―When can I see ‘em without that goddamn—without Linda‘s

sister bein‘ there?‖

―Are you ready to talk to them about what happened?‖

Every time Trudy asked that question, Logan felt it like a blow to

the gut. ―What‘s that gotta do with me seein‘ my own daughters

alone?‖

Trudy steepled her fingers together on her desktop as she

explained, ―I think it needs to be one of the first things you talk about

when you‘re ready for that next step. Which will happen when I‘m

ready to sign an affidavit that you aren‘t possibly a danger to them.‖

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Felicia Watson

Logan had let that statement pass one too many times to ignore it

today. Through gritted teeth, he demanded, ―Where do you get off

sayin‘ I could ever hurt one of my girls? I‘ve never so much as laid a

hand on ‘em—‖

―Had you ever laid a hand on Linda before last March?‖

―No! But that was different….‖

―Because?‖

―How many times do I gotta tell you that was an accident?‖

―Then how can I be sure you won‘t have ‗an accident‘ with your

daughters? You say you never meant to hurt Linda—and I believe you,

Logan. But until we can get to the root of what made you lose

control—‖

―A bad day and bad whiskey.‖

―If that‘s all it took, then you need to tell me what has changed

since then.‖

―Plenty.‖ His shoulders slumped as he continued. ―But nothin‘

good.‖

―Then we need to find a good change for you.‖ When her patient

had no response, Trudy plowed ahead. ―Remember we talked about

you teaching that automotive course?‖

―Yeah?‖

―Are you still up for it?‖

―I guess. It‘s for girls who… who‘ve had some trouble. Right?‖

―Right. Domestic abuse victims.‖

Dread tightened the muscles in Logan‘s shoulders at Trudy‘s

plainspoken answer. ―Are you gonna tell ‘em about… about….‖

―They will know that you‘re in counseling for a domestic abuse

incident.‖

―Why? Why do ya have ta tell ‘em?‖

―So they can make an informed decision about joining the group

or not. Logan, most of these women have spent years being

manipulated and controlled; we‘re trying to give them that control

back. We can‘t do it by lying to them.‖

Where the Allegheny Meets the Monongahela

15

―It wouldn‘t be lyin‘ not to tell ‘em anything.‖

―Yes, it would. Some of the worst lies in life are told with

silence.‖

―What‘a you mean by that?‖ Logan snapped.

―Just what I said,‖ Trudy answered. ―Why? What did it mean to

you?‖

Logan ignored the answers buzzing in his head and brushed her

off with a brusque, ―Nothin‘. Now, what about this class?‖

Trudy‘s head stayed cocked, and she stared at Logan in silence

for a few seconds before relenting with, ―Things are pretty much set.

My husband has made arrangements for a garage we can use—it‘s on

Arlington Avenue. That‘s on the South Side.‖

―Where‘s that, exactly? I don‘t know the city too good.‖

―It‘s right across the Monongahela—from here you‘d take the

Fort Pitt Bridge. Then get on….‖

Logan missed the rest of Trudy‘s directions, distracted by her

mention of the river he‘d practically grown up on back in Elco. His

daydreaming was cut short by the realization that, like everything else

in Pittsburgh, the familiar waterway was a very different entity here.

Fortunately, Trudy was writing the address down for him. He

figured, when the time came, he‘d find it without her directions—one

way or another. The counselor reached across her desk and handed him

the paper, saying, ―Nick Zales, the guy who runs the Life Skills

program, would like to meet with you to go over a few things. I

suggested tomorrow afternoon; can you make it?‖

Though Trudy had been talking about this idea for weeks, it had

always been somewhere off in the future to Logan, so the word

―tomorrow‖ caught him off-guard. ―No… not tomorrow. Maybe

sometime next—‖

―I thought you had Thursdays off?‖

―Yeah… but I got some stuff I gotta take care of….‖

―Can‘t you take care of it in the morning?‖ Trudy leaned forward

and speared Logan with her piercing gaze. ―I really think this is

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Felicia Watson

important for you. You want to move on, don‘t you? You want to get

unsupervised visitation rights, don‘t you?‖

After two months in therapy, Logan had no trouble recognizing

that Trudy was working up a head of steam. Cutting it off by agreeing

to her request seemed suddenly more attractive than sitting through one

of her fiery lectures. ―Yeah, sure, I‘ll make some time. When‘s he

wanta meet?‖

―Nick said anytime in the afternoon before five. What works for

you?‖

Since Logan had no particular desire to teach a bunch of women

who would probably think of him as some kind of monster, he still

wanted to put this meeting off as long as possible. ―How ‘bout four?‖

―Okay, I‘ll let him know.‖ It was Trudy‘s turn to glance at the

clock. ―We still have a few minutes. Why don‘t we spend it exploring

why you‘ve never verbalized any desire to see your wife—even though

we‘ve talked about your seeing the girls quite a bit. Do you
want
to see

Linda?‖

The idea of seeing Linda filled Logan with so many conflicting

emotions—most of them bad—that to cope he‘d learned to squeeze it

into as small a space as possible and lock it away in a dark corner of his

brain. The thought rarely escaped its confines—until this infernal

woman insisted on setting it free. He stared at the rug between his feet

as he answered, ―Like I‘ve said, that‘s up to her. In court she sure

didn‘t seem like she wanted to.‖

―I didn‘t ask if you could see her, I asked if you
wanted
to see

her.‖

Logan felt a spike of temper shoot up his spine, and he had to

work to keep his thoughts to himself:
Fuckin’ woman! Never lets

nothin’ go.
With no other outlet for his anger, Logan‘s hangnails bore

the brunt of his frustration for a few seconds before he finally threw a

hooded glance at his tormentor, mumbling,
―I don‘t know.‖

After waiting in silence for more than those three syllables, Trudy

finally rejoined, ―Okay, we‘ll explore that next week. In the meantime,

why don‘t you give it some thought?‖

Where the Allegheny Meets the Monongahela

17

Though he had no real intention of complying, Logan was trapped

by Trudy‘s direct request and felt he had no choice save to agree.

―Okay.‖

Trudy leaned back and twisted her chair gently back and forth as

she speculated. ―From what we talked about last session, I think

working on cars is a real self-soothing technique for you. Some time

doing that might unblock you on… well, any number of topics. Are you

still looking for a mechanic job?‖

Logan stifled the urge to roll his eyes at the phrases, ―self-

soothing‖ and ―unblock.‖ Instead he answered honestly, ―Been looking,

but there ain‘t much of anything—not in Braddock. Guess I‘m lucky I

was able to hang onto my job at the nursery.‖

Though he‘d never really cared for the work at Scott‘s Garden

Center, lately it had become a refuge for Logan, and he took every bit

of overtime possible rather than face the emptiness of his tiny

efficiency apartment.

―What about here in the city? I could ask—‖

―No, ma‘am. Thanks, anyway. Where I am is bad enough. Can‘t

see me working here.‖ To Logan‘s way of thinking, the weekly trips

from North Braddock to Trudy‘s downtown office near Pitt‘s campus

were disorienting enough. He had no desire to make them a daily

occurrence.

―Are you planning to move back to Elco when your probation is

up?‖

Before the incident in March, Logan would have jumped at the

chance, but now the thought filled him with dismay. Since word of his

arrest and subsequent guilty plea had certainly reached the small town

by now, Logan was sure he‘d face a storm of gossip and condemnation.

―Nah, just my sister there now. Might as well stay put.‖

At last the hour was up and Logan could escape Trudy Gerard‘s

seeking gaze and blunt tongue. The drive home to his room tucked into