Whirl (13 page)

“
I’m so grateful Bren, really. I’ll love you forever and ever.” I give him another hug.

“
Hey, you’re my little sis. I’m just glad I got there in time...” He turns back to Alex. “Ready then bud?”

“
We’ll wait in the yard.” Toni leads me away.

The two of them leave for Sam’s place. I’m terrified of facing him again. I’m terrified of anything to do with him now.

Toni and I sit quietly discussing it. The whole situation from me kissing him in this garden area, to the final scene tonight. She’s kind and non judgemental.

“
Look Lex, whatever guilt you’re carrying about kissing Sam, and however heavy it got, you can stop that now. Your fling with Sam, if you can call it that, lasted what...?  All of five minutes? That hardly constitutes a relationship or any kind of commitment. It’s his problem. You’ve made it clear to him a good few times, there’s no chance for him.”

“
It makes me feel better, knowing you think that.”

“
My God Lex. This could have been dreadful. So dangerous. Once he’d finished with you, who knows what could have happened once the realisation sunk in?”

“
I know. I’m having nightmares about that already. And Toni, I’m so, so sorry I’ve ruined your birthday.”

“
Hey, It’s not your fault, but I certainly won’t forget this one, will I?”

“
Nor will I.”

We sit there for twenty minutes. During this time Frankie and Leanne have found us in our garden hideout and have tactfully left after being told I’m very upset about something, by a protective Toni.

We watch as Alex and Brendan return alone.

“
His bike is gone. No sign of him. It’ll have to wait until he turns up,” Brendan says apologetically.

“
Come on Lex, let’s go, hmmm?” Alex offers me his hand and I get up to leave saying bye to Toni and Brendan and hugging then tightly.

The four of us make our way to the parking lot and drive off to our respective homes.

* * *

He leads me inside his apartment and gives me a gentle hug.

“Take me to bed, and make it quick.” I kiss him wildly.

“
Are you sure you want to do this right now, considering?”

“
I love you and he’s not ruining my evening completely.”

We fall onto his bed and make the most wonderful love ever, for a long, long time.

I have the biggest, most satisfied smile stuck firmly on my face. I sigh with contentment.

“
Feeling better now?” He asks me, leaning on his elbow, smiling widely, looking at my blissful expression.

“
Fantastic. What about you?”

“
Never felt better in my whole damn life. I love making you happy.”

“
I love you to pieces Mr Jackson.” I hug him tightly. I really do love him so much my heart hurts.

“
And I love your pieces too Miss Kirby.” He smiles wickedly, and then his face suddenly darkens and he looks at me with a serious expression. “If he’d hurt you, I really would have killed him you know.”

“
That would have been an idiotic reaction.”

“
Maybe, but I was ready to do it in the heat of the moment.”

“
You know, I almost forgot about it all for a while.”

“
Well I haven’t and I won’t. I hope he’s gone AWOL, let the Marines discipline him as well.”

“
I can’t help but feel guilty about it all. Not the fact he tried to rape me, but the way his personality seems to have changed and all this weird obsessive behaviour.”

“
Lex, please stop beating yourself up over him, he tried to rape you for fuck’s sake. He’s not a sweet innocent. He has a very dark side to him. I’ve seen it before.”

“
With women or in general?”

“
When he’s pushed emotionally, over stressed, things like that.”

“
But we all have a dark side, don’t we?”

“
To a degree, yes. I know I have. But usually in the realms of reason.”

“
Enough about dark sides. I’m dying to know what you’ve planned for Friday. Can I have a hint... a little clue?”

“
It high, fast and noisy.”

“
Your helicopter?”

“
Not quite.”

“
Another helicopter?”

“
Aha, you and I are passengers on board a Sea Dragon … a massive cargo and troop chopper, for a short flight. Arranged courtesy of my opposite number in 21 Squadron.”

“
Oh God, that’s fantastic!”

“
It’ll be a wild ride.”

“
I’m scared of flying in helicopters really.”

“
You can hold my hand this time.”

The next day I go out with Toni as planned. We visit every store and garden outlet we can find and she finally settles on a statue. It;s an odd looking one. A small child with a peculiar expression holding a bowl in the air. I assure her it's very attractive, biting my tongue. I’m not sure why she likes it really. Still, it’s her yard. She can fill it up with red and green gnomes, if that pleases her. We arrive home just before lunch.

I sit with Joey, rubbing his ears. He stretches and purrs loudly. I do love this cat. I so want one of my own. Suddenly Toni rushes in from the kitchen with her phone at her ear, tears in her eyes, staring at me.

“How long Bren?”

“
NO.”

The whole of my insides tense. It sounds like he’s been called up for something and that means it's likely that Alex is as well. I stare at her stricken face with my heart pounding.

“Love you. Be careful. Please. Love you.” She sits down next to me with a thump.

“
Where's he going?”

“
He can’t tell me. He says he won’t be back for weeks. Maybe months.”

“
Oh no...” We both start to sob. “Alex?” I ask.

“
The whole division. All four squadrons and ground crews.”

“
This isn’t happening. What’s going on?”

“
I don’t know. If we look at the news maybe we might find out.”

We sit glued to CNN all afternoon. Nothing much on there except general coverage of the Middle East oil crisis talks. I’m waiting for Alex to call me or text me or something. But nothing. I go to bed desperate for some contact. Toni texts Brendan but no reply. I assume they can’t use their phones everywhere and anytime they like.

It’s nearly two days later that I finally hear from him, whilst I’m making lunch in the kitchen. He sounds strained and obviously upset, and sets off talking full flow, ten to the dozen.

“
Lex, I’m so sorry. We left in the middle of the night. No warning, just like that, mid shift. I didn’t have a chance to let you know because my phone was fucking dead and I didn’t have a Samsung charger with me and neither did anyone else. So I had to wait for Bren to arrive here to get your phone number. As soon as we’re called up we have to go through briefing and lots of meetings. I couldn’t call before now. It’s procedure.”

“
This is all so terrible. I don’t believe it.”

“
Baby, I’m real sorry I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I won’t be back Lex, not while you’re in California. Look don’t worry, please don’t. We’ll sort something out and I’ll call you again soon. Remember I love you.”

“
No, I can’t stand it. I’ve just found you and now you’ve been taken away from me..... For God’s sake Alex.… Make sure you come back alive.” I’m sobbing like a lunatic.

“
Hey, don’t get so upset. It’s not forever. It’ll be over sooner than you know it. I should get leave at the end of this tour anyways. Just hold tight baby. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ve got to go now.... We have to keep these conversations brief. Love you, miss you.”

“
Love you, miss you...” I whisper back... My mind has shut down. My heart is racing and I’m shaking and I drop the phone from my hand to the counter with a clatter. Toni rushes in and sees my teary shocked expression. She hugs me close and we both have a long cry.

The remainder of my holiday passes in a hurt blur. Toni tries to cheer me up. She seems to be coping a lot better than I am with this. I don’t know if that’s because Brendan is just part of the support crew or not. Or whether it’s because she’s had the experience of him being deployed before. I know he’s been away twice in the two years they’ve been married.

We have come to the conclusion they are probably somewhere in Kuwait or Saudi Arabia. It’s definitely the world oil crisis which has now escalated to the point that troops have been deployed. There are minor and not so minor skirmishes breaking out daily between the countries in dispute. Whether the US Marines are protecting the huge Saudi oil reserves, or trying to diffuse the situation somehow, we don’t know. I’ve spoken to Alex twice more, but it’s so difficult. He can’t say much and he can’t speak for more than a couple of minutes. It’s heartbreaking. I don’t know how much danger he is in or where he is or what for exactly. I understand why it’s all top secret, but it doesn’t help the stress levels much.

We go out to the bar on the penultimate day of my vacation. Toni is determined to cheer me up. The minute we walk inside, a woman Toni knows from the base, comes over to tell us the news about Sam Chase. He walked back into Camp Pendleton voluntarily a few days ago and put himself up for psychiatric evaluation. Apparently he seems to be bi-polar, manically depressed and ultra happy in turn. I don’t know if I was the tipping point for him or what part I played in the breakdown of his mental health. I don’t want to think about it any longer. He did try and rape me after all. I’m sure the Marines will discipline him or discharge him, maybe both. He can’t be trusted anymore. He’s blown it forever.

I go up to the bar with my current constant miserable expression, I think I’m rivalling Mariel, who is now standing in front of me with an even worse scowl than ever.

“
Yeah, what d’ya want?” She asks nastily. She must have heard about Alex and me somehow.

“
I’ll have two glasses of white wine thanks,” I reply civilly summoning up a small smile.

“
How’s Captain Jackson, your hot lover boy?” She sneers. “Calling regular is he?”

“
I’ve had calls. He’s fine, thanks.”

“
Don’t think he’ll want you after this ends.”

“
What d’you mean?”

“
It’s quite common for Marines to have a girlfriend and dump them after a tour. It’s the pressure. It helps to have a line out, but when they get back, they want something new.”

“
Well, thanks for that. Are you thinking that might me you, his ‘something new’?”

“
No, I know my place. I’m a continuing presence in his life. He always comes back to me in the end. I’m just letting you know yours.” She puts the two glasses of wine in front of me carelessly, slopping the wine over the top.

“
Look Mariel, you don’t have ‘a place’ with Alex. He happens to have chosen me.” It seems Toni was right. Mariel knows, but she won’t accept and she’s definitely still hoping.

“
Things change. Fast. Like I said. You’re his line out. That’s all. Don’t get carried away with yourself. That’s four and a quarter, please.”

I slap five dollars in front of her and walk off.  I carry the two glasses back to our table.

“What a bitch.”

“
Dug her talons in, did she?”

“
She told me I’m his line out and he’ll dump me for sure when he gets back.”

“
Oh don’t listen to her, she’s bitter.”

“
I know she is, but still. It makes you wonder.”

“
Hey Lex he loves you. Don’t forget that. It might take a while but I’m sure you’ll get together.  Look, let’s drink up and get a bottle for home. I’m sure you don’t really want to be here do you?”

“
No, not now I don’t.” I scowl in Mariel’s direction, she scowls back at me.

We drink up and leave, buying two bottles of California Rose on the way back and end up having a far better time at home, singing and getting a little drunk in the living room. It all ends in tears of course. Both of us hugging and sobbing.

My vacation is almost over. What an experience it has been. Eventful, to put it lightly.

I’m sitting on the plane about to land at Heathrow. I don’t notice the discomfort of the long flight. It’s even longer eastbound, but the only discomfort I notice is in my heart and my stomach. I can’t eat, and I can hardly drink. I’m so sick inside. My wonderful love affair is probably over. I’ve convinced myself of that now. I haven’t heard from Alex in five days. I’m distraught about it. I’ve asked Brendan what Alex is doing, but he won’t say. He can’t say. I’m lost in no love land. It’s hard to keep positive. I look at my watch. It’s still on California time. I change it as we land with a thump. It’s a hard landing, like my fall back to real life and reality. Lots of people gasp with the impact around me, but I don’t care. I don’t care about much at all anymore.

I think back to my emotional parting with my sister. We had to steal ourselves to let go. It was as if we were a lifeline for each other and it was being taken away. I well up fast. All I’ve done is cry... It was the vacation of tears. A big lake of them, mostly mine. Tears of happiness, of terror, and despair.

I depart from the plane and go mindlessly through the airport following everyone else like a sheep. Kelly’s meeting me. She doesn’t know about Alex yet. I didn’t want to tell her for some reason. Maybe I was worried that she’ll say, “It’s all for the best” or something sensible like that. I don’t want to hear it.

I buck up my spirits for our meeting and can’t help the smile when I spot her in the arrivals throng. Her big cheesy grin sets off a real spark of a smile. But it disappears when I notice an arm around her shoulders and a very good looking tall dark haired man at her side.
Well hello, James, I presume?
I arrive at the barrier and she gives me a hug. I hug James too, in an awkward fashion.

“
James brought me, my car isn’t very reliable, it keeps cutting out randomly and I can’t start it.”

“
Thanks so much James,” I utter with as much enthusiasm as I can manage.

I really needed Kelly to be there for me by herself. But now I can’t let rip. I’ll have to wait. We make our way through arrivals and to the car park and I pay for the fee, a gesture of thanks.

We’re off, I’m in the back in my own miserable little world, whilst Kelly chats away oblivious to my misery, in the front.

I suddenly get a message on my phone. My heart leaps, but it’s just Mum, asking if I’ve landed. When is this torment going to end?

I tell Kelly I need to sleep, I’m so tired. She leaves me alone. I’m grateful and thank them both enthusiastically when we arrive at my apartment a couple of hours later. I tell her I’ll call her soon. James helps me upstairs with the suitcase and I finally collapse on the bed sobbing alone.

* * *

I sit at work. It’s 10am on my third day back and I still haven’t heard a thing from Alex. Toni has called twice. My Mum and Dad have been around. Kelly has been over. I haven’t told anyone about my sick heart. The one person I really need is nowhere, vanished from my life. I feel so ill. Physically sick. In fact my chest hurts. Actually, it’s not my chest, it’s my breasts. How can they hurt? It’s odd. They’re tender and sore.

My mind processes this little fact quickly.

Omigod  NO....!!!

I’m on the mini pill. It needs to be taken within a certain time frame. I might not have been as careful as I should have been. I had some tummy trouble with the change of bacteria when I arrived in the USA and the time zones screwed everything up for a few days. A wave of shocking heat rushes through me.

The odd taste in my mouth that I’ve been experiencing. Metallic and sour. The soreness of my breasts. I’ve gone off tea and coffee suddenly. I crave grapes.

I know I’m pregnant.

At lunchtime I buy a test kit. I want to do it straight away, but I wait until I get home.

* * *

I sit on the side of the bath in shock. The big green dot confirms, with cold hard scientific fact, what I already know.

I ring Kelly. She answers immediately.

“Kel, please come over. I need you. I have a big problem.”

“
Okay, I’ll be there in twenty.” She hangs up.

I let her in. She has a wrapped painting under her arm. I can guess what it is.

I hit her with it the second the door is closed.

“
I’m pregnant.”

“
Oh!”

“
He’s in the Middle East. I haven’t heard from him in more than a week. It might be over.”

“
Oh God Alex. How...? What d’you mean...? Jesus!”

I break down. She tries to talk to me, to comfort me, but really, what can she do? I can’t even tell my sister. It’ll kill her, considering how much she wants a baby.

I want to die. I’m not ready for all this. Even though I'm twenty four, I’m young and immature. I need fun and love and action. I don’t need a baby, a house full of nappies, money worries, sleepless nights, and single parenthood. My life is over.

She gives me my painting.

“It’s probably not the right time. But I’ve brought it now. Maybe you can appreciate it later,” She says kindly. I take off the wrapping and look at it. My curiosity is aroused, despite my terrible state of mind.

“
Oh Kelly. What can I say?” I look at it in stunned realisation.

A purple and red swirling tornado of a background, with the subtle traces of helicopter rotors... and Alex and myself entwined in black and white silhouette relief on it.

“D’you like it?” She asks anxiously.

“
It’s so lovely. It’s perfect. You couldn’t have captured us better. Really Kelly. I’m not just saying this, but you are so talented. I’m shocked.”

“
You think so?” She is glowing with the compliment.

“
Really! Look, here I am in my current fucked up mind and life and this has hit me with its beauty. If you can get me to feel something, you can get anyone. It’s brilliant.”

“
It’s yours.”

“
No, it’s too good.”

“
I want you to have it Alex. Whatever happens, you might want to have a keepsake, for the future. Okay?”