Whispers in Autumn (24 page)

Climbing is as unnatural for me now as it was the first time, and violent shakes attack my limbs by the time I sling a leg over the top and start making my way down. When I get within a reasonable distance of the ground, I release my grip and drop the remaining few feet onto the muddy earth. Lucas’s arms steady me, hold me up when my knees go weak. My face is inches from his, our breath mixing in frosty white clouds.

The heat inside me starts at unbearable and climbs upward. I’m breathing too hard, as much from this moment as from the chore of scaling the boundary.

He stares into my eyes and his brow furrows. “Althea, can I kiss you?”

My head refuses to take the order to nod, frozen in shock and fear. Not the kind of fear that pounds inside me at the thought of the Others, but an exhilarating sort. Never mind that we’re standing out in the open, that we just crossed a forbidden boundary. I lick my lips and answer in a throaty whisper. “Yes.”

I can’t believe I said it. I can’t believe this is happening, or how badly I want it. He better do it soon, because I’m about to break into pieces from sheer expectation. His arms tighten as they pull me against his chest, and he bends his beautiful face to mine. When our lips touch the intensity rockets out of my body and spins around in a mad swirl. The dizziness makes me clutch him tighter.

His lips are cool, refreshing against my red-hot ones. The kiss deepens, my lips parting just a bit as my head shifts to one side and my arms snake around his neck. It seems to have lasted for hours, but at the same time it’s over so fast. Our foreheads press together as we gasp for breath. When my eyes open, they meet Lucas’s. After a second of bemused staring, he smiles and my muscles relax.

“We should go.”

My entire body has the shakes, and just supporting my own weight makes black spots dance in front of my eyes. My mind slogs through dark, cloudy pools and my voice sounds far away. “I don’t know if I can walk three steps, never mind an hour.”

The words slip out, and it isn’t until afterward that I realize honesty might be overrated in this particular situation.

He raises an eyebrow. “That good, huh?”

I whack his arm and stalk past him, then stop at the sight of the endless blackness. My trepidation at being outside the boundary crashes back into my consciousness. We flick on our flashlights once we enter the trees.

Lucas snorts as I shrink closer to him. “Baby.”

In spite of his teasing tone, he slides his hand into mine and holds tight.

We set off in the direction the sun sets, like the woman said. The peace of the Wilds is harder to find in the pitch black. There are too many shadows, too many places where animals bigger than a squirrel could hide.

We’ve been walking a long time when a rustling stops us in our tracks. My entire body freezes as a pair of soft, fearful eyes emerge from the blackness. My fingernails dig into Lucas’s arm. He grunts at the pain and follows my gaze.

“Oh. It’s a deer, Althea.”

He whispers, as though he doesn’t want to frighten her away, voice full of awed wonder.

It’s a girl, I think, because it doesn’t have antlers. Her breath escapes in nervous puffs, and her ears twitch. Finding us out here is probably not part of her evening plans. Though she stands still, muscles ripple under her velvety-looking skin. She looks ready to run. A sudden surge of envy that she
can
run stutters through me. She’s not trapped. Only her fear and uncertainty hold her in place.

I wish that were true of me. Then again, maybe it is.

“I know what it is, Lucas.” I try to capture his annoying tone. “The question is, what are we going to do about it?”

In answer, he reaches a hand around his back and unzips the front pocket of his backpack; he brought water, snacks, and extra blankets for me.

The soft noise of the zipper startles the deer and for a second I think she’s going to bolt, but all four hooves stay rooted to the spot and her nose twitches. Lucas draws a small, clear plastic box out of his bag; vegetables roll around inside it. He grins, puts a finger to his lips, and takes a small step forward.

Urgency creeps into my answering whisper. “What are you doing?”

He steps closer to the deer without responding, fingers working a carrot out of the container. The air in my lungs starts to burn. I force it out in a silent exhale.

The deer behaves the opposite of how we’ve been led to believe. She’s timid and unsure, her initial instinct clearly flight. Nothing about her posture suggests violence or disease. She’s beautiful, in fact, from the tip of her nose to her fringed white tail.

Lucas extends a hand with the carrot on his palm and the beam of light projected from my flashlight jumps up and down. Against her better judgment, the deer reaches her nose out and sniffs the air. Her lips start forward, then back off. Forward and back. Lucas trembles with the effort of holding still. He gasps when she snatches the carrot from him, pulling out another and holding on to it this time as she nibbles. His grin is infectious.

“Come here, Althea. Don’t be scared of her.”

Wonder blooms in my belly, and the joy on his face brings me closer to the animal. I go slowly, sensing her hesitance, until I stand next to Lucas. He hands me a carrot and I cup it, stretching my arm out until my open palm sneaks under her face. She could bite my hands off, but I don’t think she will.

Breath fills up my lungs and I hold it there, standing like a statue as her kind face dips down. The air whooshes out as her lips whisk the carrot out of my hands. She’s so perfect, so utterly pure. My heart feels ripped open; the stitches I used to close it up when I left Portland and the only semblance of an actual family I ever knew are busted and gone. This animal, with no effort at all, makes me care again. Makes me feel alive and a solid part of the world, instead of like a stranger shimmering on its edges.

In this instant, I think I understand the real reason the Others separate us from the animals.

Lucas shatters the moment when he extends a hand to touch her side. At the first feel of his fingertips on her flank she pulls back, carrot forgotten as it falls to the earth. Her eyes flick in fear and she bounds away, tail disappearing into the trees before either of us utters a sound. Lucas turns back, his eyes moist. “She was so soft. Scared of us, though. Wonder why.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why not? Did she look violent to you? Or like a million germs crawled over her?” His defensive tone raises my hackles.

“No. I meant scare her. You shouldn’t have tried to touch her without…”

“What? Without her permission?” He quirks a smile my direction.

“No. I was going to say until she was comfortable.”

“So, what do you think now, about the animals?”

I consider as we continue deeper into the trees, offering a smile of reconciliation. The answer is nothing the Others have ever told us. “I love her, and I love it out here.” A sad sort of loss sweeps through me. I’ll never see her again. “But deer eat plants, you know, not people.”

He laughs; the sound relaxes me even more. I check my watch after a few more minutes and am startled to see we’ve been moving for well over an hour. We emerge from the thick trees and stare not at the collection center, but at the park boundary. We went in a circle.

“Well, that didn’t work.” Lucas’s wry tone makes me laugh.

“We’re going to have to try again tomorrow.”

A huge oak tree to our left has a triangular cutout near its base, almost like a little cave. Lucas kneels and unloads the contents of his backpack, shoving them into the hole.

“What’re you doing that for?”

“Easier than sneaking them back out tomorrow, right?”

The walk home is slow; for once we have plenty of time. Neither of us talks, and my mind wanders back over the horrors of our recent lives, irritation at missing a chance to talk to the woman depressing me. We hide in the trees as a Warden passes by in front of our houses on his 2 a.m. patrol.

When the coast is clear Lucas catches my lips with his, surprising me, then turns and sprints inside. I follow his lead and drag myself up to bed.

***

The next morning a funny feeling captures me and holds me tight in its clutches. The past several days contain both infuriating and wonderful memories. They jumble inside me, resulting in nausea more than anything. The odd mood persists through breakfast and follows me out the front door. Lucas waits on the sidewalk in front of the house in between ours, his smile a little awkward. It hasn’t dawned on me to feel weird about kissing last night. He sort of looks like he feels weird though.

“Hey.” Lucas pecks my cheek, sounding normal.

We make small talk on the way to Cell, avoiding a rehash of our failed attempt last night. A heaviness settles over me as we part ways for our morning blocks.

Deshi, looking and smelling like a corpse, accosts Lucas at lunch so they sit alone instead of with us girls. I can’t say this upsets me, but it makes me nervous for Lucas. He acts pleasant and chatters away to Deshi during the period. The performance looks good from here.

In chemistry, the Monitor appears on the screen and calls our attention to her lesson. It might be possible for my Cellmates to focus, but for me it’s out of the question. All I can think about is how little time we have left to figure out what we’re going to do alone in a room with a Warden.

After block, Lucas leans over to whisper in my ear, his cool breath tickling my neck. Tingles work their way up and down my body, delicious and long lasting.

“I have to use the wasteroom. Meet you out front.”

I imagine turning my head toward him, our mouths touching. My eyes close and I lick my lips, nodding my understanding. He lingers a moment, breath skimming loose strands of my hair against my skin. We’re frozen. Like we’re stuck together, each unable to move. Lucas finally straightens up, but when our eyes meet his tell me moving wasn’t easy for him either. His lips tip up, making my heart go even faster. He has to get out of here before I die. This day has been hard enough on my heart and my nerves without him smiling at me like that.

My way out of the Cell is unobstructed with no Deshi to intercept me. Come to think of it, except for at lunch today, I’ve barely seen him around lately. I bounce from one foot to the other, having trouble standing still while there’s so much to figure out. A few minutes later Lucas strides toward me, his face ashen. Terror melts out him and puddles in my queasy stomach. “What happened to you?”

He doesn’t answer. “Just walk.”

It takes an eternity to walk beyond Cell grounds. My knees tremble hard by the time we leave everyone behind. Lucas stops walking and bends over, putting his hands on his knees and gasping.

“Lucas. Lucas! You’re scaring me. Tell me what happened.”

“I saw something.” He stops, swallowing hard before he continues. “I was using the wasteroom like I told you, and Deshi came in while I was in the stall. I knew it was him because of his death cologne. It’s nauseating, worse than the last time we smelled it. Much worse.”

“And?”

“I stood on the disposal so he couldn’t see my feet. I don’t know why. So he did his business and went out to disinfect his hands and I peered out through the crack in the door. His face—” Lucas stops, paling further at the memory.

Patience isn’t easy right now, but he rewards mine by picking up the story again when he’s ready.

“The reflection in the mirror wasn’t his face. It was an Other. Deshi’s an Other.”

CHAPTER 23.

“No, he isn’t. He can’t be an Other, Lucas. We’ve spent time with him, talked with him. He’s a human Barbarus.” My voice climbs to a higher and higher pitch. Defeat washes through me even though part of me has known it since the night I Broke Mrs. Morgan.

“I’m telling you what I saw, Althea. He’s an Other hiding in human skin.”

A dark, unbidden realization slithers into my conscious mind. It makes me gasp out loud and grab Lucas’s arm for support.

“What is it?”

“What do you think it means that an Other chose to make his body smell like springtime? That his eyes are blue like ours but all wrong in his face? That he sought us out to latch onto, kids who are different, too?”

If possible, even more color drains out of his face, until he resembles a snowy winter day. My thoughts become his and my fears register.

His voice echoes the one screaming inside my head. “They know about us: how we smell, how old we are, that we’re Terms. The Others are here looking for us.”

“Why?”

It’s the biggest question of all and neither of us has the answer. We separate in front of the Crawfords’ house, parting ways with more ease than usual because we have another attempt at reaching the collection center scheduled. This time I have a plan to keep us from going in circles.

Back outside the boundary later that night, I point up at the sky. “How good are you at astronomy?”

“As good as anyone else who’s been taught that crap for two hours a day for ten years.”

“Me, too. So, the sun goes east to west, and the Archivist said walk into the afternoon sun. West. We just need to get our star bearings and make sure we walk in the right direction.”