White Heat (23 page)

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“You really do think you’re all alone, that all these so-called strings on your heart are only one way.”

“Oh, no, Ace,” she said on a laugh. “Don’t turn this around. This was about
you.
” She tapped him lightly on the nose with her finger.

“It always is when you don’t want it to be about
you.
” He tapped her back. “This is going to terrify you, I’m sure, but we’re all just as attached to you as you are to us.”

Her gaze flew to his, and he could see the uncertainty, the heartbreaking need to believe in what he’d just said. Cupping her face again, he leaned in and put his forehead to hers. “What do you think about that?”

“That it’s nothing a good pair of scissors wouldn’t take care of. Just one snip—” She made the motion of cutting with her hand. “And presto, we’re all set free.”

“And what would the fun be in that?”

“Fun?
Fun?
” She got to her feet again and tossed her hands in the air. “You think all this yo-yoing on the heartstrings is
fun
? You’ve been through hell and back, and you can still say that?”

Hell, yes, he opened his mouth to say, but the vet poked her head out and smiled. “Lucifer?”

D
riving out of San Diego Junior College, Brody reached over and squeezed Nina’s hand. The green hills around them were in bloom with flowers of all shapes and hues, bobbing gently in the afternoon ocean breeze, and he felt damn good. “Happy?”

“Beyond.” She looked down at the receipt for tuition paid, tuition that was much cheaper than at the university. “Now we just need to find that address they gave me, for the inexpensive housing.”

“About that…” He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed her palm, eyeing her over their joined fingers, wondering how she would take this. “I was thinking…

“Ooh, thinking were you?” she teased, and leaning in, kissed him on the throat. “I like it when you do that.”

“There’s a house for rent right near where my brother—”

“Yes, but you know I cannot afford a house.”

“—which is extremely close to the university—”

“—where I am not going yet,” Nina pointed out.

“No.” He took a deep breath. Smiled. “But I am.”

“What?” She stared at him. “Brody—”

“I have my degree, but I need to get certified. For teaching. I could do that at the university. Then I could get a teaching job, too.”

“Pull over.”

Dread filled him. He’d screwed up, and now she wanted to run away. “Nina—”

“
Pull over.
Please,” she added, and when he did, she gripped his face, looking deeply into his eyes. “What is this?”

“I don’t like worrying,” he said. “About Griffin, about you—”

“I never asked you to worry about me.”

“I know that.” He kissed her to make sure she would be quiet. “I don’t like worrying,” he repeated, “and I’m not crazy about the ridiculous yearning I have to get off my ass and teach. But it’s there.”

“You really want to teach?”

“I always meant to. At first because I thought it would be easy, but later because I liked people. It just turns out I liked being lazy more. But now…my family is looking at me as if I’m all grown up, and you know what?” He shook his head, then grinned. He kissed her again simply because he could. “I like that they’re looking at me that way. I like it a lot. I want to be that man everyone thinks I am. I want to be that man you seem to, by some miracle, have fallen for…the man who’s fallen for you in return.”

Her eyes narrowed. The crystal bracelets on her wrist jangled when she pointed a finger at him. “If you are messing with me, I’ll—”

He caught her finger. “You think I’m
messing
with you?”

“Yes. You’re…how do you say…
sweet-talking.
So I’ll sleep with you.” Looking baffled, she shook her head. “But I’ve slept with you, and I liked it. I know I will want to sleep with you again, so—”

“I am not…
sweet-talking
you,” he said, appalled.

“So you’ve never sweet-talked a woman before?”

“No.
Yes.
But that was before you,” he said, more confused than ever. “Look, I know it sounds crazy, but I feel as if I’ve known you forever. I just want to be with you, Nina.”

She was still eyeing him with a little mistrust as traffic whizzed by them. “If that’s true, you’d have no problem coming home with me to see my father, to explain to him what I’ve done about getting set up here to live.”

“Yes,” he said so quickly she blinked.

“Really? You’ll…face Tom?”

“Absolutely.” He kissed her, then pulled back. “I’m just so glad you’re here, Nina. With me. I’m so sorry I let you come here alone. You’ll never have to be alone again.”

“That’s quite a promise.”

“It’s one I can keep.”

Her smile went soft and dreamy and genuine, and his heart, already snagged, tipped right on its side.

Two hours after finding Lucifer with a coating of flour all over him, Lyndie was back at her little guest-house in Del Mar, opening the door for the man carrying her kitten with the splinted paw. “Here, I’ll take him.”

But when she reached out her hands for the sleepy kitten—who’d made a huge pest out of himself at the hospital, requiring drugs before he’d let the doctor wrap his foreleg—Griffin Moore, wildland firefighter, onetime hotshot and all-around shockingly sexy man eyed her with amusement as he shook his head. “No way,” he said. “If I give you this cat now, you’ll shut the door on me.”

“Well, I do have a broken kitten to look after.”

“Lucifer is going to sleep.” Gently he nudged Lyndie into her own front door, kicked it shut behind them, and set the cat down on her couch.

Then he turned to Lyndie. “So. You asked me about being ready for this.”

She stared at him, then let out a little laugh. “You don’t seem to ever dance into a subject with subtleness do you?”

“I’m not much of a dancer.” He looked into her eyes. “I didn’t think I was ready for this, not after losing so much.”

An arrow to her heart. “I know. Look…you’ve loved before. You’ve
been
loved before.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah. But…I haven’t. I don’t know if I even
can.
”

“It’s not something you think about or decide.” He reached for her hand before she could move out of reach, which she most definitely would have done. “You just…do.”

Right. But she just didn’t seem to have the ability to just…do.

“But…” He let out a long, slow breath. “I’m no longer that person I was.”

“Because…you blame yourself for what happened. Even though it wasn’t your fault.”

“Yeah. Because being alive when they aren’t messes with my head.”

She lifted a hand to his jaw. “It would mess with anyone’s head, Griffin.”

“But for how long?” He squeezed her fingers. “Christ, for how long?”

Her heart twisted. “I don’t know.” They gravitated a little closer, so that their bodies lightly brushed together. “Do you still…miss them so terribly?”

“It’s different now…” He rubbed his chest. “The ache is still there, it’s just…softer now.”

“I’m not good friend material.”

“Now there you’re flat-out wrong.” His eyes smiled. “But it’s not a friend I want tonight.”

“You still don’t want to talk about what happened?”

“No.”

“No?” she whispered.

“I want you. More than my next breath.”

“For tonight?”

“For tonight.”

Good. For tonight was right up her alley.

He put his hands on her. “All night.”

“You have quite the habit of doing that. Putting your hands on me.”

“Yeah.” He slid them from her arms down to her hands, which he squeezed before going even lower. Gripping her hips, he tugged her off balance so that she fell against him, then his hands slid around to cup a cheek in each palm.

She’d wanted this, she’d wanted him for tonight. But suddenly, with the force of a blow, she realized something fairly frightening.

She also wanted him for more. She wanted him to talk to her, to want her to be his friend. “Griffin—”

He stopped whatever she might have said with his mouth, inhaling her soft little moan, his hands sliding into her hair, holding her head against his. Then he pulled back to smile into her eyes. “Love that dreamy look you get on your face when I kiss you.”

“Yeah.” But she was dreamy with thinking how many nights they could have like this. If he only wanted. “Griffin—” She broke off with another moan when he began a series of wet hot kisses over her jaw, down her throat, along her collarbone…

Her top fell away from her body, and she let out a strangled laugh. “Honestly, I—”

He cupped her breasts, rasped his thumbs over her already swollen nipples. “Honestly…what?” A sound of pleasure escaped him at the feel of her. “You feel good.”

Her own eyes were crossed it felt so good. Then he bent his head, skimming her bra out of his way to suck her into his mouth.

Her knees wobbled but that didn’t seem to be a problem since he just used his strength to hold both of them up. “I’m trying to tell you something here, Ace.”

The sound of her zipper in the room seemed to echo in her head. Her trousers slid down her legs, leaving her in nothing but a dark blue cotton thong.

“Lyndie, God.” His fingers traced the line of cotton down her backside, dallying there, making her very glad he was so incredibly strong that he could hold them both upright.

“You’re wet,” he murmured with husky delight, dipping into that wetness. “Are you wet for me, Lyndie?”

“I—” She bit her lip to keep from gasping as he found her happy little party spot, leaving her only a whisper away from begging. “Yes.” And even before he pressed his body close, then closer, she was lost, and far before he scooped her up and took her into her bedroom, setting her down on the mattress and covering her body with his, taking her to heights only he could, she was found.

Simple and terrifying as that.

The next morning, Lyndie woke up and found herself tangled up with Griffin’s bare, extremely warm, extremely hard body. She was spooned up against his chest, his arms around her. He had one large palm supporting her breast, a thigh between hers and her butt up against a most impressive erection.

The memories of last night filled her, and her insides quivered, which made no sense at all. By now he should have been long gone out of her bed, because no matter what he’d shown her last night, they’d both agreed, this had been a one-night thing.

Even if, secretly, she’d wanted to welsh on that agreement. But in the light of day, she knew the truth. Lyndie Anderson didn’t do anything but love ’em and leave ’em.

But she still wanted to stretch and purr like the damn kitten sitting on the floor of her room staring at her right this very minute. “Shh,” she whispered, acknowledging Lucifer had actually behaved himself quite nicely last night, leaving Griffin and her alone for the most part—except for that one time when he’d pounced her curling toes at a most inopportune moment.

He didn’t seem to be bothered by his broken paw or the wrappings at all, which had been good, because it had allowed her to concentrate on other things.

Such as Griffin’s hot bod. She wanted to turn over and devour him one inch at a time. She wanted him to devour her back.

In his sleep, he nuzzled at her neck…oh, yeah, she could get used to that. Damn it, there were those strings again, on the heart she hadn’t ever expected to open up and want to share. Uncomfortable, she shifted, and his arms tightened on her slightly, then relaxed with his even breathing in her ear.

Stupid, stupid,
she thought, fighting the odd urge to turn over and not just gobble him up, but to hold on tight, to hug him. No. This wasn’t happening. She absolutely wasn’t going to fall for this man, no matter the bittersweet ache right between her breasts, suspiciously near the organ thumping hard at the thought.

Too much, too fast, and to avoid giving in to temptation, she slipped out of the bed, stalking naked through her living room to her kitchen for sustenance—a walk that took all of three seconds in the small guesthouse.

Last night, the two of them had riffled through her kitchen, starving, having burned all their energy up in her bed. And her shower. And on the floor.

In the hallway on their way to the kitchen.

She nearly dove back into bed with the intent to beg him to start all over again, but thankfully, her pager, left on the counter, went off, vibrating across the tile, reminding her she had a life that didn’t include time for a man.

Ridiculously relieved for the reminder, she read Sam’s text message to get her “sweet little behind” in gear for a flight to Mexico.

Flight…or Griffin?

Flight,
she decided, grabbing up the clothes Griffin had stripped her out of the night before.

Because when push came to shove, flying was much safer than Griffin.

Griffin rolled over, arms already reaching out for Lyndie, not really surprised to find her side of the bed cold. The woman had probably woken up in his arms in full-blown panic mode and run for the hills, or wherever she took off to in order to be alone. He could understand the sentiment. He felt a little panicked himself.

He got out of bed, wishing he had her back here, warm and soft and naked, but showered instead. Lucifer was gone, too, so he drove back to his own beach house, wondering why it felt that so much was out of his reach.

There he found one thing that
was
within his reach if he wanted. Jake Rawlins had called. The SDFD appreciated his honesty, they liked his resume. Jake wanted Griffin’s experience, all of it.

He wanted him to come to work.

Talk about panic.

T
he walk to Lyndie’s plane was punctuated by Lucifer’s unhappy mews from the carrier he hated with all his being. The morning was cool and foggy, and her footsteps slapped into the puddles of rain that had fallen the night before as she walked the tarmac.

At her plane, she looked around. Sam had promised to have some rich guy waiting for her with some big cargo of supplies that he’d donated to San Puebla for the ranchers who’d lost everything.

Instead, she found Brody and…“Nina?”

Nina, looking quite American in her hip-hugging cargo pants, tank top, and silver hoops, smiled. “No other.”

Brody bent and put his face to Lucifer’s. “Hey, kitty.” He looked up at Lyndie. “Thanks for giving us a ride back to San Puebla. You’re going to come in handy, as apparently you’re the only one who can coax Tom out of a bad mood. And believe me, he’s in a bad mood.”

Lyndie shook her head. “No go. I’m supposed to be picking up some rich kid who’s spending his daddy’s money. There’s some big cargo of supplies for…” She trailed off when Brody gestured behind him, to a pallet of boxes being loaded into her plane by a couple of airport staff.

She blinked. “
You’re
the rich kid?”

“’Fraid so. We needed a ride.”

“You ever hear of
public
airlines?”

He smiled his charming smile and Lyndie vowed it wouldn’t work on her.

“We could have gone that route,” he said, waiting while a loud jet zoomed past them before speaking again. “But it’d have taken forever and a day. Travel through Mexico, especially that region as you know, isn’t always timely. Plus, you’re the best there is.” He smiled again.

“The best in buttering up Tom, you mean.” But she sighed. All those supplies he’d brought would go a long way…“Wait. You and Griffin are brothers…”

“Yes. Still.”

Her frown deepened. “But I didn’t know you were…”

“Rich?”

“Well…yeah.”

“Just the parentals. Technically, I’m poor as poor can be, though for years I did love to pretend to be wealthy. I went through a good chunk of Dad’s money in those years.” He sighed in fond memory.

Nina grinned at him, her dark eyes sparkling with affection. “But now…”

“Now I’m reformed. The love of a good woman will do that for a man.”

Lyndie divided a shocked glance between them. Another plane buzzed them.
“Love?”
Nina’s dreamy smile was answer enough. “Oh, man.”

“Love,” Brody confirmed, as if it wasn’t all over his face. “Now, of course, I’m going to have to earn my money the old-fashioned way.”

Lyndie shook her head. “So you really got your parents to donate a bunch of stuff just so I’d fly you guys home?”

“Home.” Brody tried the word out on his tongue and nodded. “Yeah, I could happily call Mexico home. But nope, we’re just visiting. For now, anyway. I called Sam and tried to buy you as a pilot and he said no go unless I contributed to Hope International in some way…so a quick call to Dad, and voila…here we are.”

“Okay.” Lyndie moved toward her plane. “Let’s just do this.”

Nina caught up with her and grabbed her wrist. “Hold up.”

“Why?”

“I just wanted to say thanks.”

“For…?”

“For everything.”

“I didn’t do anything but give you shit.” But she stopped. “I’d ask you if you’re happy but it’s all over your face.”

“Are you happy for me?”

A million quick glib replies crossed Lyndie’s tongue, but she found herself letting out another sigh, and, as she searched Nina’s face, a genuine smile as well. “I’ll admit to being jealous of that grin you’re wearing.”

“Really?” Nina looked speculative. “You had one on just like it when you first got here.”

Lyndie opened her mouth, then thought about last night, and promptly shut it again.

“Uh huh.” Now Nina looked downright amused. “You see any sexy firefighters lately? Maybe sleep with one?”

“This is about you.” Lyndie moved away with Lucifer in tow. “And let’s not forget, you want me on your side. At least until I back you up with your father.”

“Avoidance…” Nina
tsked.
“Not good for the soul.”

What was going to be good for her soul was getting the hell out of here, at least until she could think straight about last night.

And it had been just one night, just more scratching of that itch they always generated in each other.

And if she repeated it to herself often enough, maybe she’d start to believe it.

“Mew.”

“Yeah.” She looked down at the kitten that had been nothing but a burden and, oddly enough, felt a warmth spread inside her. The damn thing was just so cute. She tried to summon up irritation at all the expense and hassle he’d created, and instead had only that silly warmth she couldn’t really explain. “Well, if I have to have someone else in my life other than myself,” she murmured. “I suppose it could be you.”

She’d have sworn Lucifer smiled at that but then she heard Brody whoop out a hello to someone, and that warmth that had just spread throughout her insides froze up solid.

Griffin. She could hear the low murmur of his voice as he greeted both Nina and Brody.

He’d come. He’d come after her.

She stared at her plane while her thoughts raced. What did that mean? Was it possible he could be having some of these same crazy thoughts she was, that maybe, just maybe, there could be something much more serious going on here than just mind-blowing sex? Since she knew it was all over her face, she kept her back to him as she moved inside her plane to set Lucifer down—

“Hey.”

Slowly she turned around and looked into the same eyes she’d looked into while she’d had an earth-shattering orgasm only a few hours before. “Hey yourself.” Her heart leapt into her throat, pitifully ready to leap out onto her sleeve with the slightest provocation.

“You left without a word this morning,” he said.

“Sam paged me, and you were sleeping so peacefully…”

“Thanks to you,” he said with a sexy little smile.

Because all that brilliant wattage made her want to jump his bones again, she looked away. “You didn’t have to come all the way out here—”

“Yeah, I did.”

“That’s awfully sweet, but it’s early, and I’ll be back—”

“No, you don’t understand. I
had
to come out here.”

Okay, that had a stupid grin splitting her face. God, it hurt to have fallen for him, but it felt so incredibly good at the same time—

“Brody called me. He said I had to get—and I am quoting here—’my ass in gear and haul on down here’ if I wanted a ride to San Puebla.”

She went still. What did this have to do with him coming here for her? “Why would you need a ride to San Puebla?”

Griffin shrugged. “He was pretty mum on that, just insisting I be here or else. Said he’d clear it all up for me once we got there.”

So he hadn’t come for her at all. Which led her to the next, and more powerful realization, one she’d already known but hadn’t faced—she’d fallen.

He hadn’t.

He still tortured himself over the deaths of his crew and likely always would. Well. She’d wanted to know what love felt like, and now she knew. She just never imagined it would be like this. So…devastating.

He reached for her hand.

Oh, no. He couldn’t touch her, not now. “Outta my way, Ace,” she said, pulling back. “We’re running late.” Forcing herself to turn away, she started barking orders. When she had everyone hopping, she stared sightlessly at Lucifer. “I still have you,” she whispered. He would be enough. He would.

“Hey.” Griffin came up behind her, gently squeezed her waist. “You okay?”

She stiffened. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you won’t look at me.”

Oh, that. Pasting an inscrutable look on her face, she turned and looked right at him, giving him a smile, only called such because she bared her teeth.

His gaze held hers for a long, uncomfortable moment during which she had the oddest feeling that he could see everything she thought, everything in her heart, and she began to panic.

“Lyndie,” he said softly, with enough regret that she backed up, holding up a hand.

“No, don’t,” she said. “Don’t you dare—”

“Wait.” He grabbed her, held her still. “I have to, we have to.” He cupped her face with his free hand, looking tortured. “God, Lyndie. I’m an idiot. You thought I came here this morning for you—”

“I didn’t think anything.”

“Stop it.” He touched his forehead to hers. “Christ. I’m so sorry. I’m…I’m a little slow on the uptake when it comes to matters of the heart these days. I’m just taking this land of the living thing one day at a time, and—”

“I know.” She closed her eyes. “I
know
—”

“I mean, there’s no doubt I
am
living again. And…and enjoying it very much. Last night—”

The guilt and misery on his face killed her. “It’s okay, it’s okay that you are, Griffin.”

“I look at you,” he said in a rough voice, “And I see how you forge ahead with life no matter what it hands to you, and it gets to me. You get to me.”

“But…?” She took a step back, waiting for the shoe to fall. “Because I definitely hear a big ‘but’ at the end of that sentence.”

“But…” His eyes were sad, so sad she felt her own sting. “I’m not as brave as you—” He smiled at her choked laugh. “I’m not.”

“Are you kidding me? You put your life on the line every day on your job and you’re not brave?”

“Not when it comes to matters of the heart,” he said very seriously, and kissed her so softly, with so much heart, her own cracked. “I thought I could do it, I thought I could give it all, over and over again, but it turns out I can’t.”

“I understand that about you.”

“You shouldn’t.” He dropped his hands and stepped back from her. “You shouldn’t.”

“But…” But nothing, because he turned away. She let her voice trail off, because what was she going to do, beg him? Hell, no.

Okay, hell, yes. “So that’s it?” she asked his broad shoulders. “We share what, a few laughs. A bed. And maybe I share some of myself, my past, because you coax me to do so, damn it…but you don’t have to do the same?”

He went still, then faced her. “I never meant to hurt you.”

She knew that, but it wasn’t enough. Not anymore.

Brody and Nina got on board then, and in a few minutes they were in the air, flying toward Mexico, toward the village where it had all begun. Fitting, then, Lyndie thought, keeping her chin high, her eyes clear, that this is where it would all end.

Because after this, she was done. With Griffin, she’d put it all out there in a way she never had before. She’d fallen, and fallen hard, and in the process, she’d also gotten burned, but it was done and she couldn’t change it.

The day was a glorious one, and she concentrated on that, on the pure joy of the flying, on the unmistakable love flowing between Nina and Brody, and for long moments at a time, it was enough.

They came to the Barranca del Cobre and the Sierra Tarahumara. Such incredible beauty. The canyons, the peaks, the immense, remote wilderness of it all.

And then they came to the burned acreage. The smoke had cleared, and they all pressed close to the window, looking down in somber silence at the loss. Blackened landscape. Ghostlike shadows that once used to be trees. Five destroyed ranches.

And then San Puebla, still intact. Safe, because of their efforts.

That lifted their spirits back up. Brody jokingly carried Nina off the plane. Lyndie sat up front figuring Griffin would follow them, but instead he held back.

Well, she didn’t plan to wait for him. She jumped down ahead of him, and would have walked away if he hadn’t grabbed her hand.

Her back still to him, she stilled. “I really have to—”

“The fire in Idaho.”

She closed her eyes at the rough angst in his voice. She knew, she understood what it cost him to want to talk about it, but damn it, she couldn’t help it if she wished things could have been different—

“You’ve asked me about it, and I’ve shut you out. I shut you out even when I wouldn’t let you do the same—”

“It doesn’t matter—”

“It matters,” he said grimly. “It matters a lot. I want to tell you about it. I want you to know it all. Please…let me tell you.”

“Why?” She made herself look at him. “Why now?”

“Because I need to.”

Everything within her softened, and she sighed, reaching for his hand.

“I wasn’t the supervisor for the crew that was lost.” He stared at their joined hands. “I should have been, I wanted to be, but there was a scheduling mess up, and sometimes, especially within the fire community, there’s no arguing with the powers that be.”

“I know what happened wasn’t your fault.”

“Yeah.” He rubbed his eyes. “We’d been there for three weeks. Out in the middle of nowhere, with tents and army rations. We were exhausted. Beyond exhausted.”

“Sounds like a nightmare.”

“It was. I was supervising a crew on the other side of a firebreak from Greg and the others. My gut told me the weather was changing, my weather kit confirmed it. But when I radioed headquarters, they told us to hold our positions. They…demanded it.”

She couldn’t imagine the conditions he’d faced. “Why?”

“Because we’d been out there too long already. By all reports, we were close to containment and they were feeling federal pressure to wrap it up.” He let out a long breath. “So I followed directions like a blind soldier, despite my screaming instincts. And the cold front blew in, the winds whipped through the canyons and caught us with no way out.”

Lyndie’s heart wrenched at the misery on his face. “You couldn’t have done anything differently. Not with the pressures you were all under.”

“If the scheduling switch hadn’t happened, if the weather report about the cold front had made its way down the line, if I’d listened to myself, if we hadn’t all been so exhausted—” He lifted a shoulder. “Lots of what-ifs, but I’m tired of thinking about them, dreaming about them. Mistakes were made, people died. It was…a tragedy, a terrible tragedy. But I’m learning to live with it. Even, apparently, learning to talk about it.” He offered her the saddest, most heart-wrenching smile she’d ever seen. “I just wanted you to know.”