Whiter Shades of Pale (18 page)

NOT Starbucks. This is some next generation coffee that you can’t even begin to understand right now.

Worn as an ironic tribute to the Spin Doctors. Hits on women by asking them if they are “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong.” If they don’t get the joke, they are not worth dating.

Worn as a tribute to the loggers of the Pacific Northwest. Though he does not support the idea of logging, he strongly supports the idea of rocking a sweet beard, being outside, and wearing plaid.

The sweater forms the backbone of the Seattle uniform. A properly made one should last well into your early forties.

Ready for a hike at a moment’s notice.

The sweater is an essential part of the white person wardrobe, so it is a very good idea to familiarize yourself with the different types of sweaters that are the most popular with white people.

When you approach the subject from the perspective of age, it’s essential that you combine very young and very old white people in the same group. This is because young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with fewer buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button-down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a T-shirt to create a “layered look.” This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, it is also a chance to show people that they own not one but two cool items of clothing.

White women will also purchase many small, thin sweaters that they can wear in combination with or on top of other clothes. Though you may think it would make more sense to just purchase a thicker sweater, these layers are considered to be stylish and they allow their wearers to achieve maximum temperature control.

Moving up in thickness and age, there is also the “ultrathick” sweater. Though you will find these at farmer’s markets and community gardens
throughout the country, they are most popular in the Pacific Northwest. These are often light brown or almost beige and weigh upwards of ten pounds. When you a see a white person walk into a bar or coffeeshop wearing one of these sweaters, you can tell how heavy it is by how much they are sweating when they take it off.

White people also appreciate the irony of ugly sweaters that usually feature things like reindeer and snowmen. (See
this page
for details on Ugly Sweater Parties.)

But regardless of the type of sweater, it is also good to be aware of the fact that finding a nice sweater at a thrift shop or Goodwill is considered a major event in the life of a white person. Scoring a quality garment that makes it into the regular rotation for under $10 is a story that white people will tell for up to five years after it happens. Therefore, if you are seeking white friendship it is a good idea to do one of two things: go to dozens of thrift shops in hopes of finding a dream sweater, or buy a new one, remove the label, and make up a story about how you found it at a Goodwill in a bad neighborhood that “hadn’t been picked clean by hipsters.”

Christopher Guest is a famous director who has made such movies as
Waiting for Guffman, A Mighty Wind
, and
Best in Show
. He also co-wrote and acted in a movie called
This Is Spinal Tap
, which is generally regarded as one of the most popular movies in all of white history.

His film style is often described as “mockumentary.” Basically it’s just like a documentary except that it is perfectly acceptable—and in fact encouraged—to laugh at the pretentious protagonists. The same actions that would get you kicked out of a home screening of
Food, Inc
. will get you invited back for a screening of
A Mighty Wind
.

Waiting for Guffman
is about a small-town production of a play,
Best in
Show
is about people who compete in dog shows, and
A Mighty Wind
looks at folk musicians.

These movies are so beloved by white people because they make fun of people who take things too far. However, determining where exactly that line is can be fraught with danger and consequences. So while it’s okay to laugh at a white person who enters their dog in a dog show, it is
not
okay to laugh at a white person who refers to their dog as a child and treats it as such. It is acceptable to laugh at a white person who is taking their small-town theater production very seriously, but it is
not
acceptable to laugh at someone’s child who is taking their first off-Broadway production seriously.

When it comes to folk music, it’s okay to laugh at everyone. Even the most serious of white people recognize what a mistake that was.

Rather than try to add to the comedy of these movies, your best bet around white people is to simply profess your love for all that Christopher Guest has done. If you want to take it to the next level, you should casually say, “I heard Christopher Guest is going to be directing an indie version of
Spinal Tap
; it’s set in Portland.”