Whiter Shades of Pale (22 page)

Bangs. Zooey Deschanel and Jenny Lewis had no influence on this decision.

Relaxed expression from not working.

Ray-Bans required for survival.

American Apparel shirt counts as charitable contribution in L.A. County.

Hand has typed thirty-two pages of a screenplay about “hipsters.”

Body due to membership in $500-per-month gym near beach.

Television is one of the keys to a white person’s heart. A proper reference to
Arrested Development
and the lending of a
Wire
season on DVD are considered two of the easiest and most cost-effective ways of getting a white person to like you. But with both of those shows off the air, their utility is being quickly depleted. Thankfully, there is
Mad Men
.

Mad Men
is a TV show on cable with low ratings, multiple awards, critical praise, and full seasons available on DVD. It’s no surprise white people love it. And while you could apply the previously mentioned techniques to gain white friendship,
Mad Men
offers an entirely new world of possibilities.

The show is set in the early 1960s and features meticulous art direction that strives to make the show as historically accurate as possible. This veracity makes the show especially vulnerable to one of white people’s favorite activities on earth: finding mistakes. And as is always the case with white people, the harder someone strives for accuracy, the happier a white person is to prove them wrong.

“Oh yeah, it’s a great show, don’t get me wrong. But you’d think at least one person would have known that those IBM Selectric typewriters didn’t come out until 1961. I mean, it’s so obvious.”

But it is not recommended that you start searching for mistakes on the show. Doing so would require spending a massive amount of time on the Internet. Also, if you point out errors that other white people missed, they might be intimidated by you.

Instead, the best way to use
Mad Men
is to suggest or host a themed party.

When you say the words “We should have a
Mad Men
party,” white people will immediately latch on to the idea and begin planning. By the end of the day, they will have picked proper attire and emailed you a drink and hors d’oeuvre menu. In the days and weeks leading up to the party, white people will be thinking of clever ways to make the party as authentic as possible.

Remember, parties are fun, but historically accurate themed parties are legendary.

During the actual event you should constantly mention how much people used to smoke and drink back then. A few white people will lament the days when they could smoke anywhere, then another white person will say something about cancer and it will get awkward. At this point you should try to steer the conversation back to cocktails and how good everyone looks in their vintage clothes.

The party should essentially run itself. However, you can severely curtail the amount of fun by saying, “I’m glad this isn’t really 1960 or else I’d be serving all of you.”

White people often find truth to be very depressing at themed parties.

White people can do powerful things with their eyes: cast judgment, indicate scorn, and obnoxiously roll them when someone says something they don’t agree with. Yet in spite of these powers, they are not immune to the dangers of the sun. White people must wear sunglasses. But what may surprise you is that while white people will spend upwards of three months finding a perfect pair of unique prescription frames, they have no such requirement for sunglasses.

Right now, all white people are either wearing or coveting a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses.

These sunglasses are so popular now that you cannot swing a canvas bag at a farmer’s market without hitting a pair. In fact, at outdoor gatherings you should count the number of Wayfarers so you can determine exactly how white the event is. If you see no Wayfarers you are either at a country music concert or you are indoors.

White people love these Ray-Bans because they were very popular in the 1960s and the 1980s. This gives them a historical relevance and allows white people to classify them as “timeless.” That way when they purchase these sunglasses they can talk about how they were inspired by the fashion and music of these bygone eras. When a white person says this, you should just nod and mention how they look like a young Johnny Cash, a dead Beach Boy, Audrey Hepburn, or an extra from a John Hughes movie. This will make them happy and likely to give you their old expensive sunglasses, which you can sell for profit.

Under no circumstances should you imply that white people purchased their sunglasses because of celebrities who are not dead or because they saw them on other white people they think are cool. This will make them very upset. White people need to believe that they cannot be persuaded to do anything.

A statement like “Man, it’s pretty amazing how sixty-five people at this outdoor concert all decided to get their sunglasses at exactly the same time” should only be directed at a white person who is not wearing Wayfarers. This will make them feel better about not fitting in, but it will also make them self-conscious about their plan to buy a pair.