Who Are You Meant to Be? (40 page)

Practice:
Write down feelings that you tend to struggle with expressing in a constructive fashion or even feeling. Make a note about how you deal with them (e.g., “Whenever I feel angry, I smile so that no one knows.” “Whenever I feel afraid, I tell myself I’m stupid and shouldn’t feel that way.” “I laugh when I feel uncomfortable to hide it.”). Write down what you will do instead the next time you are experiencing this emotion.

Solve issues, not emotions:
When the SA System is engaged, we separate issues or frustrated needs from what we feel about them. We are curious, we ask questions, and we negotiate to get our needs met. The SP brain, however, doesn’t want to problem solve; it just wants to survive. By acknowledging our emotions, identifying the actual issue, and negotiating to get our needs met, we strengthen our SA System and get a better result for everyone involved. When our SA System is fully engaged, it decides the best way to deal with the issue. When you find yourself judging something that is happening, notice how it does little more than add fuel to the fire of your emotions. Asking questions will shift you from your reaction to understanding what is happening and doing something constructive about it.

Practice:
Write down some recent examples of when you couldn’t separate issues from feelings. List the feelings you were focusing on as well as the actual issue(s) (e.g., “angry, left out—I did not get to have a say in the plans”). Identify what you might do differently in the same situation next time to get at the issues (e.g., questions you might have asked, what you might have negotiated for, rephrasing what you heard to ensure it is what was meant).

Respond, don’t react:
Not all emotions, feelings, or impulses are really worth responding to. However, when we react as though they are, we can create a great deal of emotional drama without anything actually going on. When our three brains (rational, emotional, and instinctual) are working together the way they should, we ask ourselves whether we are reacting to our emotions or to the situation. Instead of letting our feelings determine our behavior, we think about what the best action is in the face of disappointments, setback, and conflict. When we are upset, we don’t just lash out, burst into tears, or call everyone we know to defame the other person. Instead, we let the rational brain name what the issue is instead of making our emotions the issue.

Practice:
Write down some of the things you usually react to that you would like respond to more effectively (e.g., “I always react when my son doesn’t tell me about projects in time to get them done.” “I get mad at myself when I don’t tell others what I want.” “I cut the other person off when I feel hurt or disappointed.”). Indicate what you will do the next time to respond rather than react.

A Final Look at Where You Are Today

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

—Confucius

The purpose of this chapter was to encourage reflection—on life at home, at work or school, socially, and during leisure—to determine whether you are getting your predominant need met and the extent to which you are living in your SP System. Before moving on to chapter 15 and the next steps in the Roadmap, review your notes and consider the following questions:

• Did you skip completing any section that made you feel uncomfortable?
  
• Did you withhold writing down any of your thoughts or experiences?
  
• Did you try to tell a particular story about yourself, presenting either an overly positive or an overly negative view?
  
• Did you find yourself being dishonest with yourself when you answered the questions?
  
• Was there anything that you didn’t understand or were confused about?
  
• Did you find yourself becoming frustrated, agitated, or judgmental with the process (e.g., did you find yourself thinking, “This is stupid, what’s the point? Can we just get on to the actions I need to take?”)?
  
• Did you find it difficult to stay focused on doing the exercises, or were you easily distracted by your environment?
  
• Did you find yourself bored, disengaged, or disinterested with the activities?
  
• Did you find yourself discouraged or tell yourself this was too hard?