Who I Am (11 page)

Beanie thinks Lynn's main problem is that she hasn't really given her heart to God yet. But Steph encouraged Lynn to come to church again and told her all about how messed up her own life had been just a couple years ago. And luckily, Lynn didn't lose her job, but she did get a warning. And because of all this, Beanie was actually considering moving back home–thinking she could help. And this kind of threw Jenny for a loop because she's not real eager to live alone. In fact, she even asked if I'd consider moving in with her. I told her I'd think about it, but after what my mom (and family) has been through lately, I'd kind a like to stick around. Besides, I'll probably be away at college next year. And even though we don't always get along so great, I do love my family and want to be with them for a while longer. So I'll probably have to tell Jenny no. I'm not sure whether it's such a good idea for Beanie to move back with Lynn, but then it's not really my decision, so I'm keeping my concerns to myself. Besides, I've been amazed at how spiritually strong Beanie has gotten in the last six months, so who knows.
Maybe she'd be a good influence on her mom. Anyway, I'm praying that all these things will work out for the best.

I'm still praying the Jabez prayer, and I can tell that it's making me feel more relaxed about the future. It's like I'm starting to believe for some really big things. I mean, why couldn't God just pour all kinds of money into my Mexican dump ministry idea? I remember how cool it was when we came back last summer, and everyone was really generous. And that's continued, but it seems that each month there is less (like it's dwindling away). So now I'm cooking up some ideas for fund-raising and getting the word out. Even though my ideas aren't really big or promising, I believe God can bless them and make them into something way bigger than I could ever do on my own. So it's kind of exciting!

I helped Beanie move back home today. And for the first time in a long time, we really spent a lot of time together. But before I go into all that, I must put down a certain new occurrence that's just totally blown me away!

Remember how Jenny was getting kind of freaked about living alone if Beanie decided to go home? Well, right after we heard the news about Beanie's mom falling off the bandwagon, Jenny found out that her parents were splitting up. Apparently Mrs. Lambert discovered that her husband was having another affair. (Jenny said she'd been suspicious since the last time.) Anyway, her
mother just sort of flipped out, and as a result her dad left. And Jenny said that after that her mom pretty much had a breakdown. So, what's up with moms these days? It's like they're either getting sick, getting drunk, or going nuts. Well, not really, but it's funny how all three of us have had to deal with mom troubles lately. As a precaution, I asked Anna how her mom was doing (we still haven't met yet), and she said nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary but that she'd be keeping her eye on her–just in case!

Anyway in the midst of flipping out, Mrs. Lambert called Jenny Thursday night and just totally fell apart on the phone, sobbing and swearing and everything! And poor Jenny went home to help calm her mother down. And for the first time (since forever, Jenny said), they sat down and really talked–honestly and openly (no masks, no games). Afterward Jenny agreed to move back home, but only under certain conditions. And her mom was so broken up that she actually agreed
to everything.
And so Jenny has been home ever since! And she says so far it's going okay and her mom's doing better.

Jenny thinks the reason her mom had been so hard on her before (back when Jenny had anorexia) was because she was so freaked out over her husband's unpredictable behavior. (She'd suspected he was messing around back then too.) And Jenny thinks her mom was just trying to keep everything in their home under control–which proved absolutely useless in the long run. But here's the clincher (something only God could do!): Mrs.
Lambert actually agreed to attend church with Jenny (that was one of Jenny's conditions). Pretty funny, huh? First, Mrs. Lambert wouldn't even allow Jenny to go to church, and then just six months later, she agrees to go to church with Jenny. Now really, only God could do something like that. And so it's entirely possible that both Jenny's and Beanie's moms might actually be at church this Sunday. Although Beanie said she's not holding her breath.

Anyway back to Beanie. After we got her all moved in (and I must say Lynn's a much better housekeeper these days), we went out for coffee and had a nice long talk. I could tell something was bugging her–something besides moving back in with her mom. It turned out to be Joel.

“He's really a great guy,” she told me over mochas. “But I think I'm going to have to break it off.”

I asked her why and she explained that the more time they spent alone, the more carried away it seemed things were getting–physically.

“You're probably just going to say ‘I told you so.’” She eyed me cautiously, her head tipped down.

I shook my head and wiped a finger through the whipped cream and licked it off. “Nope.”

“Well, I won't hold it against you.”

“Sorry, but I'm not even going there.” I grinned at her but kept my mouth shut. (See, I have learned a thing or two lately.)

“Anyway, as much as I like him, I don't think it's doing either of us any good to keep going like this.” She sighed
deeply. “I don't want it to end up like it was with Zach where we both just hated each other for a long time. And I sure don't want to take any chances getting pregnant. Besides, I made a promise to God, and right now it feels like I'm seriously flirting with danger.”

I nodded, still unable to comment (it's like God had my tongue!)

“We were supposed to go out tonight, but I'm going to call up and cancel. I plan to explain the whole thing to him, but I'm worried…”

“Worried?”

“Well, lately we've been taking a little heat…for being a mixed couple, you know. And I don't want him to think that's why I'm breaking up.”

“But you're going to explain everything.”

“Yeah, but I can tell he's sensitive about the whole thing. I mean, sometimes he even acts like he's inferior or something–which just totally blows me away. If anyone is inferior in this relationship, it'd be me.”

“Why's that?”

“Well, for one thing Joel probably has the highest GPA in the school–a solid four-point with hard classes. And he comes from a good family–I mean, they remind me of the old reruns of the Cosbys. His dad teaches at the community college and his mom is an RN. His two older brothers are both in good colleges; the oldest one's about to graduate with a doctorate!” She wrinkled up her nose. “And me, well, I'm just poor white trash.”

“Oh, Beanie–”

“I know his mother doesn't like me at all, and his dad's only polite because he's such a nice guy. I'm sure they'll be totally relieved to hear the news.”

“But Joel won't.”

Beanie shrugged. “Oh, he'll have plenty of other girls chasing after him.”

“Like Natala?” I raised my brows, curious to see if Beanie would react.

“Joel wouldn't have anything to do with someone like her.”

“Yeah, I know. And for his sake, I hope he'll just chill a while. Maybe you guys can just be friends.”

Beanie laughed. “Yeah, you know how much guys like to hear that kind of talk.”

I smiled. “Yeah, I remember when I told Josh that. But you know it's worked out over time. We still are good friends.”

Beanie looked hopeful. “I wish that would happen with Joel and me. You know it's still awkward between me and Zach, not that we ever see each other anymore. But just those few times we did, well, it never felt quite right.”

“Do you guys ever write anymore?”

“Not since around Christmas when he told me he was seeing another girl. I guess I took that as a hint that we were history.”

“That's too bad. It would've been nice if you could still be friends.”

“Well, it's not that we're enemies. But I just think it's best we let ourselves part ways.”

“So were you pretty sad when you heard that?”

“I suppose. I probably wore Jenny's ears out whining about it for a few days–you were gone at that missions conference then. But when Joel asked me out, I sort of just pushed old Zach aside. And to be honest, I haven't really thought about him much since then.”

“Kind of a rebound romance?”

Beanie frowned. “No, I don't think so. I really do like Joel–a lot. In fact, part of me can't believe I'm actually breaking up.” She shook her head. “But the stronger part–the part that's sold-out for God–won't let me not.” She downed the last of her mocha. “And so that's what I get to do when I get home.”

I told her I'd pray for her–that it'd all go well. And I have been. I was kind of hoping she'd call, but she might just need to work this out on her own (between her and God, I mean). It's funny thinking of Beanie and Jenny both living back home again. Before they seemed so old and independent. Now they seem more like regular girls–like me. Beanie and I agreed to stop by every day to check on my grandma's cats and things. But it's only for a couple more weeks. So I guess this is all for the best.

Well, talk about a lose
-lose situation. I mean, when Beanie was going out with Joel she had a few kids (the Natala types) giving her grief just because they were a “mixed couple.” So she splits with him and now a few kids are giving her a hard time for breaking Joel's heart. But I must admit that Joel seems like a shadow of his former self these days. At first I thought it might be because basketball season is over (and I think he enjoyed the limelight a little). But now I honestly think it's because he really had it bad for Beanie (which is actually kind of sweet because usually guys act all tough about stuff like that). I asked Beanie if this made her feel good (I mean, in a bad sort of way), and she got really ticked at me. I guess I deserved it. Then she told me in no uncertain terms that breaking up with Joel had made her absolutely miserable and if it weren't for God, she'd be back with him right now. But then she lightened
up and said that despite feeling totally crummy for Joel's sake, she knows this whole thing was good for her. And she thinks she learned some good things and has grown a lot too. Now personally, I'm pretty sure I'd prefer a less painful way to grow. But who's to say what's best for someone else? And I didn't want to discourage her.

“I think you've grown a lot, Beanie,” I assured her, probably hoping to get back into her good graces. “I mean, honestly, I've been totally amazed by you–especially lately.”

She looked at me like I was pulling her leg. “You're serious?”

I nodded. “Like how about that night when Natala laid into you. Man, Anna and I talked about that whole scene for a long time afterward. We were so impressed by your self-control.”

“Well, did I ever tell you that Natala actually apologized to me last week? I guess you could call it an apology.” Beanie frowned. “I mean, she made it perfectly clear that she was only sorry for hitting me, but that she still stood by her opposition to my relationship with Joel.”

“Yeah, and now she's giving you grief for breaking his heart. Kinda flaky if you ask me.”

Beanie shrugged. “Yeah, sometimes you just can't win.”

“Well, don't let it get you down. I know that God is proud of you.”

By then it was time for us to go to a college recruiting meeting that I'd talked her into signing up for last week. It was for this small private college a couple hundred
miles from here that we'd never really heard much about before, but we figured if it got us out of history, hey, why not? As it turned out we were the only two there. Kind of embarrassing, but we sure got a lot of attention. And the funny thing is, we were both really impressed with what we heard, and it turned out the college is a Christian liberal arts school. The woman representing the college seemed really interested in us (of course, that's her job), but she even invited us to an open house for potential students during spring break, which is next week. (If we go we can actually stay on campus and see what it's really like.) I was getting pretty interested, but then Beanie cut straight to the point with the lady, explaining how she had hardly anything saved up for college and even though she might get a small academic scholarship at graduation, she felt certain she'd never be able to afford tuition at a private school.

“The truth is, I'll be doing well to afford community college,” Beanie said frowning. “And my mom can't help me at all.”

“Yeah, and I was figuring maybe I'd head for the state university,” I added, as reality set in.

But then the woman told us all about their generous scholarship program (which she felt certain we both had the grades to qualify for), and she explained how we might be able to get a financial aid package plus supplement with on-campus jobs to cover the rest of our expenses. Suddenly we're both thinking maybe it could
happen after all! And as we walked back to class, I told Beanie all about the Jabez prayer (she'd had to work the Sunday when Tony preached on it), and I told her I'd lend her my book because it seemed to directly apply to this whole college dilemma.

“Because God can afford any college,” I told her. “And if He wants us to go to an expensive, private school, well then He'll have to get us the funding–somehow. But if we just assume it costs too much and don't even bother to ask, well then we'll never really know.”

Beanie's really interested both in this college and the Jabez prayer now. (I plan to give her the book tomorrow.) But the thing is, I'm thinking it could be that God set this whole thing up for us on purpose, and maybe He does want us to go to a Christian college together. I mean, who knows? It could happen. And for the first time in long time I'm feeling pretty excited about going to college. Now isn't that weird?

I told Anna all about the college on the way to work, and then she started getting really interested too. So I came home and e-mailed the college and asked them to send all their brochures and things to Anna. I'm thinking it'd be so cool if the three of us could go there together–maybe even share a room. But why stop with three? Maybe Jenny'd like to come too! The idea of doing something like this sounds so totally cool right now. And it's funny because it seems like not that long ago I thought college would just be a waste of time because I wanted to be a missionary. Now I'm thinking it's probably just
another step toward getting where God wants me to go–but it might be a fun step at that!