Who I Am (8 page)

I do know this one thing for sure though: I do love Josh. Now I may not actually be in love with him (although I'm not so sure I'm not either). But I do love him as a brother and as a dear friend. And I guess that means I really want whatever's best for him (even if it doesn't appear to be best for me). And I do know the very best thing for him (or anyone for that matter) is to take our really tough decisions to God and ask Him to lead and guide us. And so that's exactly what I'll write back to Josh. The funny thing is, it's just the kind of thing he would write to me. I guess sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know. But isn't that what brothers and sisters are for?

On the way home from work, I had to drive really carefully since it was starting to rain and sleet and cars were spinning out all over the place. So as I puttered along, I mentioned Josh's e-mail to Anna. (I really hadn't meant to, but I suppose I was still slightly concerned that I hadn't heard back from him yet.) And bringing up Josh, of course, naturally led into my whole nondating thing (which I don't particularly enjoy sharing with others–just because it usually entails so much explaining, plus I've discovered lately how it can come across as judgmental or superior to some people). So I tried to tiptoe around the whole thing a little, hoping we'd quickly move on to something else. But as it turned out, Anna was really interested in the whole thing. And she was surprisingly understanding and really easy to talk to.

“Yeah, I've never really dated much,” she admitted. “Mostly because I've been pretty shy. But to be honest, the few times I did go out–usually on a double date with Jewel and her boyfriend at the time–it would usually turn into a real disaster.” She groaned as if remembering something particularly bad.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It's like all the rules change when you're on a date. And suddenly there's all these expectations, and one thing leads to another, and before you know it you feel like you're in over your head–”

“And going down fast!” Anna added. Then we both laughed.

“I don't mind going out in groups so much,” I told her, remembering the times when Beanie and Zach and Josh and I did things together. Sometimes it was kind of fun. “But then if some of the other couples get too serious, it can get a little uncomfortable.”

“Tell me about it!” She shook her head. “Going out with Jewel and her various boyfriends was usually worse than being stuck in the front row of the movie theater during a really raunchy sex scene.”

I had to laugh at that picture.

“But I think it could be different,” she said wistfully. “I mean, I think I'd like to go out on a really good date sometime, with a guy who's not a setup, a guy who I really like. I think that could be fun.”

I just shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose–maybe under the right conditions.” Although I was really thinking
maybe not.
Well, okay, maybe if I were older and seriously thinking about marriage–maybe then it'd be okay. I think I could imagine some kind of mature dating (like if I was engaged), and in a way it sounds like it could be fun going out with the man you love and plan to marry. But even so, we'd have to keep God in the center of our relationship.

So anyway, we'd reached her house by then and I waited as usual for her to reach into the back and grab her pack, but then she paused. “You know, Caitlin, I feel kind of bad that I've never asked you to come inside.”

“Oh, that's okay–”

“No.” She shook her head. “It's
not
okay. Because in the past couple days, I feel like God is showing me that I need to let go of some things–like my pride for one thing.” She sighed. “You see, it's my pride that doesn't want you to see where I live–or meet my mom. And I know that's wrong.”

I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder. “You know, Anna, if it makes you feel any better, Beanie and I have been really good friends for years. And it took her quite a while before she let me see where she lived. And it's pretty bad where she lived–most likely much worse than your home.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't usually tell anyone. But her place was usually pretty filthy, and Beanie's mom was almost always stoned or drunk. And then her boyfriends would come and go, and well, just take my word for it–it was bad.”

Anna nodded. “I know homes that are like that–maybe worse.”

“You won't repeat this to anyone, will you?”

She shook her head. “No way. But next time you come to pick me up, our apartment number is 14D. Just come on up and knock on the door–if you want to, that is.”

I smiled. “Sure, I'd like to see where you live.”

She kind of cringed.

“Really, Anna. You'd be surprised at how much I've hung out at Beanie's house over the years. I guess I'm a lot tougher than I look.”

I waved and watched as she dashed toward her building, getting pelted by sleet that was falling even faster now. But what I said was the truth. After I'd gotten over my initial shock at Beanie's, I always found it kind of fascinating. It was like walking into a whole different world. Besides that, you never felt like you had to keep your feet off the furniture or be real careful not to spill things. (It was about the same time when my mom picked out this really light-colored carpet for our whole house, and she made us take off our shoes before walking on it. Plus you really have to watch things like grape juice or colored soda–thank goodness, she's mellowed out a little since then.) So being in a place that's more relaxed was always kind of fun–not to mention interesting. Anyway, I'm glad Anna feels comfortable enough to invite me over. And I think when I see where she lives, I'll probably even understand her better too.

As I was getting ready for school this morning, I had on the Christian radio station as usual, and they were giving out free concert tickets to the seventh caller. So I decided to give it a try–and guess what? The next thing I know I'm on the air and the lucky winner of two
Rachael Lampa
concert tickets! I totally couldn't believe it. The concert's this Sunday night, and although I'd really wanted to go, I decided I couldn't spare the money (especially since I'm now trying to save for both college and the kids in Mexico). And anyway, it almost seemed like these tickets were like a special valentine from God. Yeah, I know that probably sounds silly, but since I'm out of the dating and romance scene, I like the idea of God giving me a valentine! I decided to invite Anna to join me (since she probably won't have any boys giving her a valentine today either).

I should've known that inviting Anna might make Beanie or Jenny jealous. But I couldn't take them both, and besides, they seem pretty happy in their own little world right now. And they've both got dates for the Valentine's dance tomorrow. I remember the dance last year (ugh!), and to be perfectly honest, I don't feel too bad about not going. Okay, maybe just a slight twinge of envy, but winning these concert tickets really helped take the edge off it. Anna is so excited and I promised to loan her my Rachael Lampa CD so she could get familiar with
the songs. Rachael is about our age–maybe even younger. But she really sings for the Lord and she's totally amazing!

But after hearing the news, Beanie took me aside right after lunch. “What's up with you, Caitlin?” she asked in an irritated voice as we walked to our American lit class.

“Huh?”

“I mean, why are you acting so chilly to me lately?”

“What do you mean?”

“It's like we're hardly even friends anymore.”

“Beanie,” I began, “you'll always be my friend. You know that. But you've got to admit your life's been pretty full up lately.”

She considered this. “Yeah, I suppose it seems that way.”

“Seems that way?”

“Well, I know I've been pretty busy with work and Joel and Jenny and stuff. But I don't ever want to lose my friendship with you, Cate.” And I'm pretty sure her eyes were getting misty just then. Maybe mine were too.

So right there in the Language Arts hallway, I hugged her. “Beanie, you know you'll never lose me. You've been the best friend I've ever had–and I really hope it always stays that way.”

“Really?” She looked seriously surprised.

“Of course! I hope we're still friends when we're wrinkly, stooped-over, little, white-haired old ladies.”

She laughed. And although it might not seem like such a big deal, it made me feel good inside that
Beanie still cared. I mean, I thought she probably did. But sometimes you just don't know for sure. Sometimes it's best to say these things out loud (even if you think the other person should know). And then we made a promise to do something special together soon–just the two of us.

“Just for the record, I do think it's cool how you and Anna have become so close. And I think Anna is really nice,” she said quietly as we found seats. “But I guess I was a little jealous.”

That's when Mr. Babcock started to lecture, or I'm sure I would've confessed to her all about my own recent and petty jealousies.

I finally got an e-mail from Josh. Yes, I know he's been busy with classes and whatever. And it's not like I just sit at my computer and wait for that little electronic voice to say “You've got mail!” Well, not exactly. But I guess I have checked it pretty regularly lately. Anyway, Josh thanked me for my response and told me that it sounded very mature and spiritual and that it helped him. Then he told me that he'd felt it was the right thing to take that girl (Anita) to the dance, but that he explained to her it wasn't like a romantic date or anything. And apparently she was perfectly fine with that. Then he reminded me of how it was okay for the apostle peter to eat those foods. And how this was a little like that, and I suppose it all makes sense.

Anyway, I e-mailed back and told him that it sounded like he'd done the right thing, and perhaps, if a situation like that came up for me, I'd do the same thing too. Now, to be perfectly honest, I might've just tossed in that last line to see if he had any reaction to it. But before I could stop myself, I'd already hit the send button. Oh, well. I'm sure God can help me sort it out later. I'd also told him about winning the concert tickets and my new friendship with Anna. So hopefully he won't think the whole e-mail was about this dating thing. Because quite frankly, I'd like to move on now!

I felt uncomfortable leaving for the concert this afternoon because my mom was feeling kind of bad and Dad's been out of town on business for a few days (until tomorrow) and Ben was at a friend's house. So I called Aunt Steph and told her about my concern, even worrying as I did that I was sounding all paranoid again.

“What do you mean by feeling bad, Cate?” she asked.

“Well, she's been in bed most of the day and she says she feels kind of crampy and achy.”

Steph groaned.

“Does that sound serious?”

“Did you tell her you were calling me?”

“Yeah, but she told me not to. She keeps saying she'll be just fine and not to worry. But I do feel worried. Maybe I should just stay home with her.”

“No, Cate, you go to that concert. I'll leave Oli with Tony and come over and visit with your mom for a while.” “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. You and Anna go and have fun. And don't worry so much, honey, okay?”

So I went ahead and picked up Anna at five (the concert was in the city–about ninety minutes from here). And we got there just in time to grab a bite to eat, park, and get our seats–which were in the THIRD row! And it was a totally awesome concert. Anna even cried (actually I think I did too), and it was just the greatest. I'm sure we were both on a real high coming home, and as a result the trip flew by.

Well, it was after midnight by the time I got home, but Tony's car was parked out in front and the lights were still on in the house, and suddenly I just knew something was wrong. I ran into the house to find little Oliver asleep under a blanket on the couch and Tony and Ben in the kitchen making cocoa.

“What's going on?” I demanded when I saw Ben's redrimmed eyes, like he'd been crying real hard. “Where's Mom?”

“Everything's okay,” said Tony. “Sit down and I'll explain.”

So I sat down with my stomach twisting and turning and my hands shaking because I just totally knew something was wrong with Mom and I should've stayed home with her. Tony placed a mug of cocoa in front of me and then told me that Steph had taken Mom to
the emergency room a few hours ago, and that Mom had an ectopic pregnancy, which he explained was when the fertilized egg gets stuck outside the womb. I glanced over at Ben and he seemed to understand all this, and I felt thankful that Tony had been here to handle this.

“But is she okay?” I felt my eyes filling with tears now.

“They've already operated on her and she's in recovery now.”

“Is the baby okay?”

He looked down at the table and shook his head. “There was no chance of saving the baby. It had probably died several days ago. She just didn't know it at the time.”

“Poor Mom.” The tears started sliding down my cheeks now as I remembered her excitement about having a baby. And then I remembered my rotten attitude (even if I did manage to keep it under cover), and the tears started coming faster. “But maybe she can get pregnant again.”

Tony cleared his throat, then glanced at Ben. “Well, I was waiting to tell you both this at the same time. But there's another problem too.”

“What?” I felt my throat choking up now.

“Well, when they opened her up they discovered the reason for the problem. It seems your mother had a tumor.”