Who I Am (17 page)

Now she threw back her head and laughed, but it was a cynical laugh and I was getting worried. Then just as quickly she sobered and stared back into the mirror again. “Look at us, girl!” She pointed to our reflections (and I must admit my hair looked blonder than ever, my eyes a washed-out shade of blue–it was kind a scary really). “You honestly think we're not so different? Well, I think you're nuts. Certifiable even.”

“Color is only skin deep, Natala. You peel it away and we'd look just alike underneath.”

“Yeah, we'd look like something out of a Freddy Krueger movie.”

Now this made me laugh. “Yeah, I suppose we would.” But I could tell she was almost smiling now too. “Look, I know you've probably got a hundred reasons to dislike white people, Natala.”

“Make that a million and you'd be closer.”

“Okay, how about a bizillion then? But the thing is, you
don't really know me or any other white person–not really. And I just wish you were willing to get to know us–one person at a time–before you made up your mind about everyone.”

She held her head high. “And what if you're no different? What if you're just like all the rest of them I'm-better-'n-you white crackers that go around walking all over folks? What then, Miz Caitlin O'Conner?”

“Well, then at least you'll know what you're talking about. But I'm betting you'll be surprised.”

She rolled her eyes. “So what are you suggesting? You think maybe you and me should get all cozy and sweet? You want me to start calling you girlfriend?”

I smiled. “Not unless you want to.” Then I thought for a moment. “Hey, how about this? How about if we go hang out at the mall together this Friday night? If you're not busy, that is. If you want I can even pick you up–or we can just meet–whatever. Maybe Anna or Jenny or Beanie could come too. And you could bring some of your friends if you want. Maybe Shonda would like to come.”

She just kept looking at me, as if she didn't really trust me. “I'll think about it.”

I smiled at her again. “Good. Let me know, okay?”

And so I'm feeling slightly hopeful that maybe, just maybe, we'll actually make some progress here. I suspect that underneath all that hardness, Natala is hurting inside. I'm sure she needs God way more than she could possibly realize. And I'm going to be praying for her for the rest of the week.

I hadn't seen much of Natala the past couple days, but today she stopped me in the hallway and told me that she and some friends would meet me at the mall–at the food court at seven. “And if you don't show–”

“Don't worry, Natala, I'll be there. Really.”

Beanie had to work tonight and Anna already had a date with Joel, but Jenny agreed to come. We thought we might just visit with the girls for an hour or so and then maybe see if they want to take in a movie that's just released. (It's kind of a childish movie, but Jenny and I wanted to see it anyway.) As it turned out, it was only Natala and Shonda who showed up, and I could tell by their expressions they already had their defenses up–as if they expected us to do something totally lame.

But to our relief, after a few minutes, everyone started to loosen up a little (and I must give Jenny most of the credit here; she was fantastic at cracking jokes and getting everyone to just chill). And once Natala and Shonda relaxed, we realized that these girls were a whole lot of fun. I mean, some of their jokes were a little on the raunchy side and their language wasn't exactly “church-friendly” (after all, they're not Christians), but for the most part they were a total hoot. And I think we all had a really good time. But when Jenny and I told them about the movie, they thought we were messing with them.

“That's a kiddy flick,” said Shonda, rolling her eyes
as she touched up her lip gloss.

“We know,” I began. “But we thought it'd be fun.”

Natala shook her head. “Well, I, for one, am sure not wasting my money on that stupid movie.”

“Hey, how about if we treat?” suggested Jenny.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “And that way if you don't like it, you won't be out anything.”

Natala narrowed her eyes. “You chicks serious? You want to take us to the movies? What's up with that?”

“It'd be fun. Why not?” Jenny checked her watch. “It's almost time. You guys coming?”

Shonda looked at Natala then shrugged. “Sure, if you want to waste your money on a stupid kids' movie. We'll come along.”

So the four of us went to see a kiddy movie. Piled high with our tubs of buttery popcorn, Reese's Pieces, and giant-sized sodas, we all trooped in and sat down with a bunch of wiggly grade-schoolers and their parents and watched a goofy movie about a neurotic dog who wanted to save the world. And when it was all said and done, both Shonda and Natala were surprised at how much they enjoyed it, and Jenny and I tried not to appear overly smug.

“See,” I gently jabbed Natala in the arm as we left, “you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.”

She made a face. “Well, it's hard not to do something that's been happening to you for your whole life.”

Then we piled into my car and went out for coffee and donuts (like we needed more sugar!), and Jenny and
I told them all about the upcoming cultural fair that we're planning. I explained how Joel and Anna are putting together an African-American booth, and they both seemed fairly interested.

“Do you think they need any stuff?” asked Shonda, suddenly catching the vision. “I mean, my dad's got this big old trunk full of things from the sixties–like newspaper clippings and pictures of Martin Luther King, Jr.–you know, from the Civil Rights movement.”

“Yeah, you should tell Joel about it. I'll bet he could use some of it.”

“My mom was involved in all that too,” said Natala in what almost seemed a hostile tone.

“The Civil Rights movement?” asked Jenny as she dunked her jelly roll into her coffee.

“Yeah, I guess she was a teenager then, but she was in a couple of the big marches. One time, I heard her telling my aunt about the time that they got hosed down.”

“Hosed down?” asked Jenny.

“Yeah, policemen and firemen were trying to break up the march and they used fire hoses–going full blast. My mom said that it just knocked them right over and stung like heck.” Natala glared at us as if we were personally responsible.

“That's so horrible,” I said. “I can't even imagine what that must've felt like.”

“Yeah, and even though it was a peaceful protest, my mom said the police shot tear gas right into the crowd
and used clubs and everything.”

I sighed. “Hearing about stuff like that makes me understand why you have some serious hostility and resentment toward white people.” I paused for a moment, studying their faces. And then I said something that I hadn't planned, and I wasn't even sure why I said it. It just seemed right. “And, you know, even though I wasn't around when all that crud happened, I'm really, really sorry.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jenny chimed in.

And it was a weird moment right then, like something even bigger than I could understand had transpired. And both Shonda and Natala kind of nodded and acted like maybe they forgave us (which still seems weird because I know Jenny and I aren't personally responsible). But then we all just sat there, real quiet for a bit.

Then Natala spoke up. “I guess it helps some hearing you say that. I don't know exactly why, but it does.” Then she reached up and gave us both a high five. “Now, I'm not promising that I'll always mind my manners around you crackers,” she said, with a sparkle in her eye. “I mean ya gotta know that old habits die hard. But I'll try to remember that you're not like the rest of the crackers out there.”

And so I suppose that's a start. And to be perfectly honest, I have to admit that I've been almost as judgmental of Natala as she was of me. Oh, not based on her skin color, that's no big deal…but more because of her actions. I mean, she's a real in-your-face sort of girl–the
kind I might normally try to avoid. But now I'm seeing that actions aren't all that much different than skin color–because actions don't always reveal what's inside a person. And I can see how girls like Natala and Chloe (and even Beanie back in the old days) use an exterior layer of toughness and hardness and even meanness to hide those tender places that can get hurt deep inside. I suppose it's just a survival skill that they've adopted over the years. I'd probably be more like them–if not for God, that is. I think it's only because of His hand on my life that I'm able to take the pain (and I admit I haven't had a whole lot–not like some people). But when it does come my way, it seems like it's cushioned by God's love, and in time I can even use it to learn from. But without God, I'm sure I'd start building up that same hard, tough shell to protect myself too.

So far this has been
a cool week. we've hung out with Natala and Shonda a little more, although Natala still plays tough chick from time to time. I try not to let her hurt my feelings though. And it seems like Shonda is a little more interested in hearing about God. Of course, she acts all sort of mellow and laid-back about it–kind of ho-hum. If Natala is listening, she won't even go there. I'm sure Shonda's trying to protect her tough-girl image. Just the same we've invited both girls (once again) to come to the fellowship on Saturday night. And we tried to make it clear that for the next few weeks we'll be mostly working on things for the cultural fair, so I don't think it should be too intimidating for either of them. Anyway, they said they'd think about it, and I'm betting they'll be there.

On the way home from work tonight, Anna told me that she's worried about Jewel. Apparently Jamal broke
up with her this week, and she's really devastated by the whole thing. Anna said she wasn't even at school today, and Anna doesn't think it's because she's sick. Anyway she asked me to pray for her. And without thinking I mentioned to Anna that this is exactly the sort of thing that really bugs me about dating.

“I just hate seeing my friends get all bummed when someone breaks up. I mean, who needs all that heartache?”

“Yeah, well, isn't it just a fact of life?”

“I don't know.” I glanced over at her, suddenly remembering she was in a pretty serious relationship and it was only last week that she'd freely admitted to me that she was “really in love with Joel and hoped that they'd get married someday,” for Pete's sake! I mean, who really knows who they're going to marry when they're barely out of high school? okay, maybe some people do. But I just don't get that.

So anyway, for Anna's sake I piped down about the whole thing. And I told her I'd be praying for Jewel, but in reality I'll be praying for her too. Because the truth of the matter is, I feel pretty certain that Joel isn't as committed to their relationship as Anna. He just doesn't seem to look at her the way I remember he used to look at Beanie. And even now, sometimes when Anna's not around, it looks like Joel's flirting with Beanie. And Beanie just acts like they're good friends (because she really does like Joel), but I think Joel is thinking there might be something more there. And it seems highly likely that sooner or
later Anna is going to get hurt–and maybe badly. But I guess I should remember that she has God to fall on. I mean, it was only a year ago that Josh dumped me, and in many ways it was that very thing that really solidified my relationship with God. Maybe it's just like that Bible verse says, maybe all things really do work for the good when you love God and try to do what He wants you to do. (Well, that's my own paraphrase, but I think it pretty much says it.) So maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and pray more.

Man, my prayer list is getting long. I used to feel bad sometimes because I was only praying about one sentence (or even less) for each person on my list–either because I was about to fall asleep or else I just couldn't think of anything really great to pray. But then I decided to just pray randomly from my list. Now I sort of read over the names, and when one pops up I pray specifically for that person. Sometimes I just pray the Jabez prayer, but other times it feels like God is leading me to pray something else. But this way everyone gets prayed for eventually. And it's a lot more fun than just feeling like I'm going down the grocery list, saying “God bless Beanie, God bless Jenny…yada, yada…,” which really must make God want to take a snooze!

As a result it feels like God is giving me some really cool things to pray for–things I don't think I could've thought of all on my own. And anyway, praying has suddenly become more of an adventure lately. I think I may even start writing down some of the things I'm praying for–just to see if
they really happen. But who would've thought that something as simple as prayer could be so cool!

Today when I got to school I could immediately tell something was wrong. It's like everyone was sort of clustered in these little groups with really sad faces. I spotted Anna by her locker and went over to see what was up and heard the sad news.

Anna turned to me with tears running down her face. “Jewel Garcia tried to commit suicide last night.”

“You're kidding?” I felt waves of shock running through me. I mean, I'd actually been praying for her–just last night. “What do you mean ‘tried’?”

Anna let out a little sob, and I put my arms around her and hugged her. “Is she alive?” I asked quietly.

Anna stepped back and nodded soberly. “She's in ICU right now, but she might not make it.” Then she broke into sobs again, and Natala came up and told me the rest of the story.

“It's all Jamal's fault,” she said angrily. “That boy just doesn't know how to break up with a girl. Take it from me–been there, done that! Anyway, Jewel was really torn up about it, and she got a hold of her brother's gun–he's involved in…well, you know–and she just let herself have it right in the head.”