Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (21 page)

WHY DOES MY BUTT ITCH SO MUCH?

If you are a sufferer of pruritus ani (itchy anus), you will relate to this question. Nobody likes to talk about it, but many of us know about the overwhelming, irresistible urge to scratch. It often happens at night and after a scratch and sniff, you are faced with one of the age-old dilemmas. Do you get out of bed and wash your smelly fingers?

Pruritus ani is a real and common condition. It is a chronic itching of the skin around the anus. The skin in that area becomes irritated from digestive products in the stool and this leads to an itchy rash. Excessive wiping or scrubbing with soap and water can make it even worse.

For simple solutions, avoid further trauma to the area (no scratching, no scrubbing), don’t use soap of any kind on the anal area, and when wiping, use wet toilet paper, baby wipes, or a wet washcloth to blot the area clean.

Other things can cause itching in the perianal area including psoriasis, hemorrhoids, fungal infections, and pinworm. So if your itching persists, don’t be embarrassed at being bare-assed. Go see your doctor.

WHAT CAUSES A SPLIT STREAM WHEN YOU PEE?

The International Classification of Diseases, Ninth Revision, Clinical Modification (ICD-9-CM) is the official system of assigning codes to diagnoses associated with hospitals in the United States. In case you wanted to know, the code for splitting of the urinary stream is 788.61.

The split stream is a real condition, but this code doesn’t apply to you if you just occasionally wake up and pee in all directions like a sprinkler before it coalesces into a smooth even flow. This is probably cuased by some residual debris in the urinary tube (urethra). Persistent split stream can be caused by a scarring of the urinary opening (meatal stenosis) or damage to the urethra. Prostate infections or enlargement of the prostate can also cause splitting of your flow.

So, if this problem persists, go see the urologist—and, guys, remember to lift up the seat (and don’t forget to put it back down)!

ARE POINSETTIA PLANTS REALLY POISONOUS?

With all that yummy stuff to eat during the Christmas season, like roast goose and baked ham and candied yams, it’s a bit of a mystery to us why anyone would eat pointsettia plants. But people do seem to pass on the fruitcake and reach for the
Euphorbia pulcherrima
(that’s poinsettia for those of you who are botanically challenged). In the 2004 annual report of the American Association of Poison Control Centers Toxic Exposure Surveillance System, 2,206 poinsettia exposures were reported to poison control centers.

Here’s the lowdown on the poinsettia chow-down. It’s not going to kill you. Rumors of the lethal effects of the plant probably started back in 1919 when the two-year-old child of a U.S. army officer was thought to have died after ingesting poinsettia leaves. Upon investigation by the American Society of Florists, though, it was determined that the leaves were not responsible for the death of this child. But the misconception about the poisonous nature of this much maligned plant has persisted. A recent study by Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University determined that out of some 23,000 reported poinsettia exposures, there was essentially no toxicity of any kind.

If you’re heedlessly herbivorous, plan on eating the mistletoe after kissing your sweetheart underneath. That’s not toxic either.

CAN YOU GET LYME DISEASE FROM A REINDEER?

It looks like Santa’s elves might need to start checking each other for ticks. Leyner and I were unable to find a case report of an elf afflicted with Lyme disease, but we offer the following scientific analysis and deductive reasoning—Lyme disease is caused by the bacterium
Borrelia burgdorferi
and is transmitted by the bite of infected ticks. In the northeast of the United States,
Ixodes dammini
(the deer tick) is the chief carrier of this disease. Thus, we implicate deer in the spread of the ailment.

Now for the reindeer connection. Reindeer (
Rangifier tarandus
)—otherwise known as caribou—are medium-sized members of the deer family. Reindeer are found in many regions of the world, including Sweden. Guess what else is commonly found in Sweden? Buxom blond women eating pickled herring? Yes, that’s correct, but that has absolutely nothing to do with deer ticks. Guess again…Time’s up! You are correct, sir! Lyme disease. We also know that moose and roe deer, among other large mammals in Sweden, are vectors for Lyme disease. So it makes perfect sense that Dasher, Blitzen, and Rudolph might also be complicit.

WHY DOES TURKEY MAKE YOU SO SLEEPY?

You have just scarfed down several pounds of turkey, six scoops of yams, a terrine full of mashed potatoes, eight ounces of tangy cranberry sauce, half a green bean casserole, and several large hunks of pumpkin pie. And you wonder why you just fell asleep on the couch with the Dallas Cowboys pummeling their hapless opponent by forty-three points, as your uncle Howard drones on soporifically yet again about his chance encounter with Milton Berle on a Florida golf course five decades ago.

It’s very common for people to report drowsiness after eating the traditional Thanksgiving meal. And it’s equally common for the armchair expert in the family to blame it on the turkey and the tryptophan. L-tryptophan is an amino acid that helps the body produce the B vitamin niacin, which promotes the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that acts as a calming agent in your brain.

L-tryptophan is naturally found in turkey protein, but a typical serving of turkey contains a similar amount of L-tryptophan as found in an average serving of chicken and ground meat. So it’s probably not the turkey.

It’s most likely that the enormity of the meal itself is precipitating that postprandial prostration. Thanksgiving gluttony causes a variety of digestive substances to jump into action and ultimately leads to increased blood flow and metabolic rate for digestion.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH TINY TIM IN
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
?

Tiny Tim Cratchit is one of the most poignant characters in the history of Christmas literature and movies. For many people he is the very embodiment of physical disability, and few can forget his sweet and saintly disposition. He represented for author Charles Dickens the wretched state of children in Victorian England. What actually afflicted this character, though, and made him dependent on that crutch and hideous frame of metal and leather on his legs and lower back?

Although Dickens never reveals specifically what ails the poor, undersized lad, medical experts generally have three opinions. Tiny Tim possibly suffered from distal renal tubular acidosis (Type 1), a disorder that is characterized by growth failure, and, left untreated, will result in fractures, muscle weakness, and ultimately kidney failure and death. This is an uncommon disease. The two other possibilities were much more prevalent at the time that Dickens wrote his classic holiday tale. Rickets, a vitamin D deficiency, would have resulted in Tiny Tim’s soft bones, muscle weakness, and stunted growth. It has also been speculated that Tiny Tim was afflicted by Pott’s disease, which is tuberculosis of the spine.

Thanks to the reformed Scrooge’s redemptive revelations, Tiny Tim is granted a new lease on life and given the opportunity to celebrate Christmases Yet to Come. “God bless us, every one!”

WHAT IF SANTA WERE LACTOSE INTOLERANT?

So you sneak downstairs to get a glimpse of Santa scarfing the cookies and milk you so lovingly left for him. Instead, you see an empty plate and glass, and you hear a groaning coming from behind the half-closed door of the powder room. You approach the room and peek in…. There’s Santa, his red pants at his knees. Helooks up, grimacing, and says, “That wasn’t soy milk, was it? I just found out I’m lactose intolerant.”

Lactose intolerance is the inability to digest lactose, the primary sugar found in milk. Lactose intolerance is caused by a shortage of the enzyme lactase that breaks down milk sugar into two simpler forms of sugar called glucose and galactose. Common symptoms of lactose intolerance include nausea, cramps, bloating, gas, and diarrhea.

Were our fanciful scenario true and Santa did develop a serious lactose intolerance and subsequent gastrointestinal upset, children of the world need not worry. Lactase enzyme is available over the counter to help people digest dairy products. Lactose-reduced products can also be found today at most supermarkets and grocery stores. Other options include soy milk and rice milk. And some dairy products are naturally low in lactose, like Swiss cheese and cottage cheese.

So you could always just leave Santa a plate of Swiss cheese. Believe me, he’ll eat it.

IS IT TRUE THAT THERE ARE MORE SUICIDES DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON?

We hate to say this as writers, but you shouldn’t always believe what you read. The press and electronic media have persistently promulgated the myth that people are more likely to kill themselves at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s than at any other time of the year. Over 30 percent of news reports on the subject still disseminate this misinformation. The myth is fueled by a kind of counterintuitive logic that severely depressed people become even more deeply depressed during this period of enforced good cheer. Not only does this turn out false, but there are actually fewer suicides during the holiday season than other times of the year. Data collected by the National Center for Health Statistics indicates that suicide rates are actually at their lowest in December, while peaking in the spring and fall. The speculation is that, at holiday time, people with a tendency toward depression have a stronger support system of family and friends than they would otherwise.

CAN YOUR TONGUE GET STUCK ON A FROZEN POLE?

Do you remember the classic 1983 movie
A Christmas Story,
in which nine-year-old Ralph “Ralphie” Parker and his loyal friend Flick are faced with a “triple-dog-dare,” and poor Flick ends up sticking his tongue to a frozen flagpole until the fire department comes to the rescue?

What’s the scientific explanation for this classic frozen faux pas? It’s simple. Metal is a very good conductor of cold, and on a frigid winter’s day, it’s likely that most metal objects outside—including fences, mailboxes, and utility poles—are cold enough to reach temperatures that are significantly below freezing. If you’re enough of a blockhead to actually accept this triple-dog-dare, here’s what will happen. When you put your moist tongue against the frozen metal surface, the moisture on your tongue rapidly freezes and sticks to the metal.

If the quaint stupidity of this practice really appeals to you, buy the action figure. Yes, that’s right! There’s a Flick figure that comes with a “frozen” flagpole that magnetically attracts Flick’s outstretched tongue. That way you can get all of the pleasure, with none of the pain.

CAN YOU GET DRUNK FROM EATING RUM CAKE?

A couple of shots of Jack Daniels and a beer will do the trick much more efficiently. But if you want to drown your sorrows in rum cake, it all depends on how you prepare it and how much you eat. Here’s a chart of the percentage of alcohol left in dishes following various methods of preparation.

Source: U.S. Department of Agriculture

After perusing several reliable rum cake recipes, we found that you usually put in about a half cup of rum and bake for approximately 1 hour. In the end, there’d probably be less than an ounce of alcohol left in the entire cake. So you’d have to have either a very low tolerance for alcohol or the capacity to consume an outlandish amount of baked goods to get hammered on rum cake.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A MORBIDLY OBESE MAN GOT STUCK IN A CHIMNEY?

This question is an obvious attempt to diss Santa Claus.

First of all, Santa’s ability to nimbly traverse rooftops, and maneuver himself down and then back up chimney stacks and through flues, hearths, and fireplaces of all sorts—all the while carrying an enormously heavy bag of gifts—obviously demonstrates an athleticism and an agility for a big man that belies the very meaning of “morbidly obese.” (The term morbidly obese is applicable to people who are 50 to 100 percent—or 100 pounds—above their ideal body weight OR who have a body mass index value (BMI) greater than 39.)

At a juncture in his career, when you’d expect him to be slowing down, Santa is actually putting up mind-boggling stats that surpass anything he’s achieved thus far. Just compare him to other mythic icons, like Hercules or Popeye or Mothra, at similar stages in their lives. After completing his record-breaking 12th Labor (bringing Cerberus up from Hades), Hercules, by his own admission, was unable to maintain the intense drive that had distinguished his career. Popeye, of course, retired and opened up a chain of fast-food restaurants. And Mothra was lured to his death by a giant porch lightbulb constructed by Japanese scientists.

During Christmas of 2005, Santa delivered some 3.9 billion toys, shattering the mark he’d set the previous season. This has, predictably, fueled scurrilous and completely unsubstantiated rumors of steroid use.

For the record, Santa Claus has adamantly denied ever using steroids or performance-enhancing drugs of any kind, and he has offered to submit himself to year-round random testing.